#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Meghan Brown

Trying to change is hard. 

This whole "Metamorphosis" idea came from a sense of deep dissatisfaction with my life as it stood. I didn't want to be the heartbreak girl, the writer who wasn't writing, the disorganized slob buried in dirty laundry who borrowed stuff and never gave it back. I wanted to be me, but better. 

And it turns out that being better? Is hard. 

Lately it feels like there are too many balls in the air. I can exercise or I can go to the store or I can work on my play. I can make a good, healthy dinner or I can send out submission packets or I can organize my closet. I've spent the last month trying to hit zero so that I can focus on moving forward... but sometimes even that seems out of reach. 

Yesterday I tackled my "Nervous List", the list of tasks that I've been avoiding because they involve some element of anxiety (...usually simply because I've gone too long without doing them). I sent some overdue emails, got my car smogged, oil changed, and washed, spent a million dollars at Target buying things that I needed weeks ago. I caught up on all of my work stuff, made a concrete writing plan, went item by item through my bank balance. Then I came home and cleaned every square inch of my house. Floors, bathrooms, fridge, you name it. I washed every last dish in the sink. Spotless. 

For the first time since everything changed, I felt really, really ready. 

Which, of course, is when fate decided to throw a curveball. 

Last night something happened that could have derailed me. Last night I had an opportunity to move backwards to something safer. Something familiar. Something that I've missed more that I knew I was capable of missing anything. Something that might have soothed the wounded part at the expense of the focused one.

And I didn't take it. 

I chose the new me. The me that's struggling. The me that's striving. I chose to stay committed to the person that hasn't quite formed yet. The one who's coming. I chose to have faith that I wouldn't be where I was if it wasn't the absolute right thing. I chose to trust myself.

Which was the moment that I knew. We've been changing all this time. There's been a metamorphosis after all. 

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Meghan on twitter

and check out her tumblr over yonder!

#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Meghan Brown

We're three weeks into the official "Metamorphosis Project", which seems a good time as any for a quick
check-in.

Refresher: I'm looking to fix my life up by focusing on three main goals. Lose 12lbs by my birthday, be in a position to start looking for a legit writing agent by January 2nd, 2012, and live like the kind of grown-up I want to be on a day-to-day basis.

Goal One: Skinny Minnie
I've lost 5.1lbs in three weeks through a combination of CONSTANT WALKING (seriously, SO MUCH WALKING) and being completely obsessed with counting Weight Watchers points. I've gotten a LOT better about buying groceries before I'm in total OMG-FRIDGE-IS-BARREN-PLEASE-GET-ME-CHIPOTLE-BEFORE-I-STARVE-TO-DEATH mode, which has probably been the biggest breakthrough so far. I've also committed to eating three small meals a day (plus snacks!) and have made a real effort to try and cut out most processed foods in favor of fruits and veggies. Sample daily menu:

Breakfast: Two eggs with veggies and chicken apple sausage (or a bowl of Special K Fruit & Yogurt cereal with 1% milk if I don't have a ton of time)

Snack: Banana or apple

Lunch: Massive salad with pita bread and hummus (or a Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisine, though I'm trying to wean myself off)

Snack: Grapes, apple, squash (I've been cooking a LOT of squash)

Dinner: Mahi Mahi (frozen from Costco) with BBQ sauce and a veggie (or Boca Burger, or Salmon fillet)

Not too fancy or interesting... but SUCH an improvement. The best part is that I'm not feeling hungry all the time. I get 30 WW points per day, and usually hit that EXACT limit (if not a few points shy) without feeling deprived in the slightest.

I'm not getting too excited mainly because I'm well aware the first few pounds are the easiest to lose, and aren't really an indicator of how well I'm going to stick with it. I will say that this is the first time I'm seeing the potential for a legitimate change in long-term behavior. I'm eating at home a lot more, spending less, and finding myself more fulfilled by the food that I'm eating. Overall? Net win.

Goal Two: Writing like a Motherfucker
While I haven't quite lived up to the (overly) high standard I set for myself, I have been focusing a lot more on long-term projects instead of letting ideas overwhelm me and shutting down. I'm focusing primarily on film and tv writing, and am starting to really HUSTLE (hence, the massive social media blitz of late).

Signed on for two particularly interesting projects this week. One is a short film for Thirsty Girl Films about a woman who becomes a quadriplegic, which is going to be awesome. My killer-inspiring friend Meg is directing, and I'll be co-writing with my friend Delia.

The second project is writing a pilot for the Comedy Central pilot contest. The amazing @iamrachelwho (who I met during the TNTML meet-up in San Diego!) and I went to lunch, and she gave me all the deets and asked if I'd be interested in working together... um, YES. Rachel is amazing and I couldn't be happier to get a DEADLINE. Plus, I love contests. SO much fun.

I've got two contest deadlines coming up in the next few days that I'm focusing on... so things are definitely starting to happen. I need to be careful because I tend to go OMG I NEED TO BE DOING EVERYTHING PERFECTLY RIGHT THE HELL NOW OR OTHERWISE I AM THE BIGGEST OF FAILURES WAH... and (shockingly!) that's not a super-conducive attitude. I'm focusing on reminding myself that PROCESS is important as well... and that these little steps will help add up to something greater.

Goal Three: Act like a Grown-up
OK. So... maybe we failed just a TEENY bit on this one.

Basically, my awful procrastination habits are still rearing their ugly heads. I still have not gotten to the post office. My car didn't get smog checked (or oil changed) (or, uh, washed) (though it did rain today! does that count?). I am out of silverware and underwear. My little house is sort of out of control.

BUT! Good news! Now that I'm confessing, I'm so embarrassed that I just went and moved my phone alarm up an hour tomorrow so I can do the dishes and a load of laundry before my writers meeting. Turning that new leaf over! (Yiiiikes.)

I don't know WHY it's so hard for me to be organized. I just... don't... want to be bothered? Is that a reason? I need to get better about looking at happiness in the long-term instead of the short term. In the short term, The Biggest Loser makes me WAY happier than doing dishes... but in the long term, I'm much more happy with a clean kitchen than I am with the fleeting memory of zoning out in front of my laptop.

I have been really good about not doing stupid things this past week, though that is primarily because I spent the two weeks prior doing REALLY stupid things and I needed a break. I've stopped responding to OKCupid messages and started really trying to figure my life out... for the past week, at least. Let's hope the introspective mood sticks around for awhile--I've got a lot to work on, and trying to figure out why, exactly, I've made certain choices is the only way that I'm going to be able to move forward.

So that's where I'm at. Where are you? Would love to hear about anyone else's progress / struggles with self-improvement. We're all in this together. Hit me up on twitter with any advice!

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Meghan on twitter

and check out her tumblr over yonder!

#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis (Open Letter to my ex)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Meghan Brown

There are days when I don’t miss you at all. 

It’s usually a busy day. Like always, I’m a little overextended. Neither here nor there. Driving all over the greater Los Angeles area. Locked in my car for hours on end, napping in the Starbucks parking lot, hauling my laptop from hotspot to hotspot. Work happens, friends happen, I call my mom, I try and make art go. Coffee dates in the morning, girl talk over beers in the evening. Connected and frantic and normal. 

And then I come home ready to crawl into you and you’re not here. 

(There are not nights when I don’t miss you.)

My biggest fear is the fear that you’ve forgotten. The fear that you won’t remember that I’m the only one who ever kissed you on the eyes. That my favorite freckle of yours is the one on your left eyelid. I don’t want you to forget that we always order green mussels right away at Midori, that Wednesdays are matinee movie days, that if we go to Palermo for the $7.25 special we can get the half carafe of wine, but that I’m lying when I say I’ll help you drink it. I don’t want you to forget about us singing along to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or going to the beach I don’t want you to forget the way I felt under your fingers I don’t want you to forget all those nights we laughed in bed and talked late into the night I don’t want you to forget that beginning, sleeping on the futon in Irvine, sneaking down to make out in the garage, showing up late to parties showing up late to class showing up late to the airport missing the movie completely because, I’m sorry, who cares? You’re right here. Where else is there?

Things weren’t as good at the end but they weren’t ever bad. I still loved every inch of you. Your lips on the back of my neck. Making plans. Do you remember your Valentine to me, 2010? I hope you do. I just looked at you and thought—wow. I really, really love this girl. Your hopeful words: Everything we want to achieve in life, we will achieve together. We are building a life together. Talking about getting married. Naming the children we didn’t know we’d never have. Listening to the right music and keeping our eyes open when we kissed through smiling lips. 

I really thought you were my soulmate. The bright white lights of our insides hooked into each other for all eternity. I thought that my hand would hold your wrinkled face. I thought that we would sleep curled around each other til the end of everything. 

But honey, I was wrong. 

You are not for me, it turns out. I am not for you. We are not for each other. You will not be coming back for me. And that’s OK too. I promise. 

I told my friend: if we go, we will not go for lack of love. And we didn’t. I’m proud of that. I am proud that we will always get to love each other all the way til the end. 

(We went through a period where instead of saying “I love you” before bed we’d say “I’ll love you forever” and we meant it and I’m glad. I’m glad that when that memory crosses my mind my heart literally aches for you. I’m glad because that means we meant it, and if we meant it maybe that means it’s true. Maybe that’s the kind of thing you can’t un-mean. The kind of saying you can’t un-say.)

So I will say it again. I will love you forever. You will always be the boy I loved first. You will be the one I loved best from 2005 to 2011. You will be the one who held me when I cried you will be the one who called me darlin you will be the one who leaned forward when I read, hanging on every word even though you’d heard it all before. 

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Meghan on twitter

and check out her tumblr over yonder!

#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis (a nerd's journey back from an unexpected life change)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Meghan Brown

After last week's call to action entry, I spent this week formulating an evil plan for personal fulfillment / world domination. I decided I needed to make some specific, concrete goals to make sure I was moving in the right direction. 

So I used Evernote (is anyone else using Evernote? BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOU SHOULD BE USING EVERNOTE) and made a massive list of exactly what I want out of my life, and what I needed to get there. Since I'm a major nerd for lists, I ended up with MASSIVE amounts of info, that I was then able to sort into three specific areas for growth: body, career, and lifestyle. I picked a clear, achievable goal for each aspect of my life that I'll be working my booty off to achieve by my 27th birthday, which is coming up FAST. 

Here are my three official goals: 

GOAL ONE: Healthily lose twelve pounds by December 28, 2011

I feel better, look better, and live better when I'm eating well and exercising. A big part of my big funk is that I've been feeling sluggish, unhealthy, and inactive. Eating like crap + sitting around whining = sad girl. Let's get back to fighting weight, shall we? 

I picked twelve pounds because my birthday is roughly twelve weeks away, which would mean the expectation would be to lose about a pound a week (totally doable with WW and exercise). Would I like to lose more? Uh, duh. 15 would be awesome. But I'll be super-stoked (and be able to wear my skinny jeans) at 12. 

Action items: Count WW points, focus on whole, healthy foods, and look for opportunities to exercise that don't make me want to stab myself in the eye. 

GOAL TWO: Have script samples completed by December 28th, 2011 in order to start submitting to writing agents starting January 2nd, 2012. 

Here's the thing. I'm a playwright. I write plays. And I love it! But the reason that I moved here was to shift my focus into writing for TV and film. So why haven't I done it?

...Because I've never done it before. 

Plays are easy for me. Short films are easy. A spec script or a pilot? Not easy! And what happens when something's not easy? I tend to give up immediately and run off to the corner to do something in my comfort zone. 

It's about to get uncomfortable. 

The next three months I'm going to be working on polishing one of my plays (we had a reading on Sunday and I'm OMG SO EXCITED to edit and I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON IT RIGHT NOW OR I MIGHT EXPLODE), but ALL OTHER WRITING is going to focus on film and TV. I have a few projects that I've already started, and the goal is to get solid drafts of all three finished before my birthday. This is perfect timing, because my work schedule is MAJORLY lightening, and I'll finally have an opportunity to FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. FOCUS.

Action items: Schedule clear writing time, mark progress, and set realistic short-term goals. DON'T BURN OUT. STICK WITH IT EVEN IF IT'S HARD. 

GOAL THREE: Craft habits that allow me to live like the grown-up I want to be by December 28th, 2011. 

This one's a little harder to define. What does live like a grown-up mean? 

Well let me tell you. 

In my mind, grown-ups do their dishes more than once a week. They floss their teeth nightly and pay their bills on time. They figure out their finances, get their cars smog-checked, and make sure to run a brush through their hair before leaving the house. 

I am not a grown-up. 

And I don't want to be just any grown-up. I want to be the grown-up who finds time to read, the grown-up who isn't afraid of new experiences and can network like a champ. I want to be a grown-up who works on her issues instead of burying them, who knows that vulnerability can be strength and that being courageous is different than being fearless. 

This goal is about being my best self, and not allowing myself to slip into negative habits and patterns. I made a long, long list (from now on: THE LIST) of small changes that will make a big difference (will be covering the details of this list in next week's post), and am focusing on DOING IT NOW. I am the queen of ignoring an unpaid parking ticket until it's past due. NO MORE. DO IT NOW, WOMAN.

Action items: "Get My Shit Together Sundays" = once-a-week cleaning / bill-paying / car-handling time. Increased attention paid to THE LIST. Remember that small changes are significant!

So there you have it. Three specific things. 

What are yours? What are you doing to change your life for the better? All thoughts and suggestions appreciated!!!!

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Meghan on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

I can't do this anymore. 

My life is a total wreck, and I'm sick of it. 

Let's back up: a few months ago, everything was beyond awesome. I was writing up a storm, running all over LA with the love of my life, planning on moving to Europe for a year for a ridiculous job opportunity, and generally feeling like things were pretty peachy. In May, I got a kick-ass, crazy-lucrative, life-changing opportunity that took me to NYC for a month. After I got back, the boyfriend and I were going to move into an awesome sublet in Los Feliz for the summer before heading to Switzerland together in the fall. 

Life. Was. Good. 

Until all of a sudden it wasn't. 

The job in Switzerland fell through last minute. I lost out on a second job opportunity that I'd figured I'd had in the bag. The sublet we were going to move into suddenly vanished. And then... my boyfriend and I broke up. 

I wish there was a way to write it that didn't make it look so pedestrian. It's such a common, bland sentence. We broke up. Ugh. 

When he moved out and away (to where? I'm not 100% sure), it didn't just feel like the end of a relationship. It felt like the end of... well, me. The me I was used to, at least. Despite my massive, crushing, sadness... there was a part of me that felt a little excited.Anything could happen now, I remember thing. Anything. 

And here's the sad part: nothing did. 

I've been almost totally paralyzed for the past three and a half months. 

The hard truth: I'm twenty-six years old, hitting my fourth anniversary in a part-time job that has literally nothing to do with how I want to spend my life. I've morphed from a total go-getter hustler into a writer who doesn't even write, much less promote. I've stopped exercising, started eating horribly, gained a ton of weight (on top of the fifteen pounds of "love chub" I'd accrued during the past four years of my relationship), and stopped even trying to look cute. Earlier this week, my Internet got cut off because I hadn't paid the bill in three months out of sheer disorganization. I couldn't call to get the Internet turned back on because my phone was broken, and I'd been too exhausted to take it in and get it fixed. 

I feel depressed, lethargic, disorganized, and utterly and completely listless.

And I can't do this anymore.

I turn twenty-seven on December 28th. I cannot turn twenty-seven feeling like this. 

That means I have slightly less than three months to get my shit together. 

I can't sit around whining anymore. It's not cute. I am a strong, passionate person... and it's about time I started acting like it. You only get one life. I've spent almost four months wasting day after day feeling hopeless and lost and regretful. Time to let that go.

One reason that I've responded so deeply to Jen and TNTML is that the site revolves around the idea of owning your shit and living life on your own terms. I want to be ecstatic about how I'm living my life. I want to wake up thrilled and passionate and excited, the way that I used to before everything started spiraling. 

So. No more crying on the couch. It's go time. Let's do this. 

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite