#WTF: A stranger just texted me a pic of his ween.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover’s @JenSquard

I know I’m not lifecasting anymore, and I know this is an off the wall post, but this made me laugh so hard that I squirted a little pee, so I thought I would share.

It started with this:

 Not long after I posted that I got a text from a number I didn’t know.  Here is our dialogue:

What kind of naughty mommy happenings?

Who is this?  Your name isn’t showing up, just your number.

Thaddeus.  Saw ur post on fb. Ur pics are amazing. Tried lookin at ur domain but it won’t open.

Oh, thanks. Naughty mommy happenings would just be my honest opinion about being a mommy and the crazy things my kids do, stuff like that.  I haven’t bought a domain yet though, still deciding on a name.  You can go to www.talknerdytomelover.com and search #NaughtyMommy Happenings, there are a bunch of mine there.

Ohhh.  Gotcha.  Well that’s not naughty silly.  Just do mommyhappenings.  Or are u the naughty mommy?! Ha

Nah, that’s boring.  It would be my take on it, I’m not a traditional mom, I say and do naughty things, and take a diff approach. Yeah I’m the naughty mommy.

What naughty things?  I couldn’t forsee that judging a book by its cover.  Non traditional is good though.

Things like how my kids drive me crazy, how being a mom isn’t all roses, just raw honesty that other moms don’t share.

That’s not naughty lol. But yeah parenting is not what the books say it is.

Then he sent me a picture of his weiner!  Aaaah, come on, what the fuck, man?!?  I suppose that I could have seen that coming, but those texts were pretty nice...and I also know that if you have your phone number on Facebook that weirdos are bound to call you, I just forgot that it was on there.  Dang. 

So here’s the brilliant part: 

Not at all how most hubbys would react.  Most guys would get mad, threaten the dude, ask for his number...mine asks me to take a second look and evaluate it!  Love that man! 

So I responded with: 

Like I said on FB, I DON’T want it to be confused with porn.  Thanks for the laugh, though.

Now ur a naughty mommy. :)

You’re right, man, that was the first weiner I have ever seen.  I am now officially naughty. 

Dudes - to say it again - women are NOT, I repeat NOT turned on by the site of a penis.  Like ever.  Unless it sprouts limbs and starts cleaning the house. 

Aaaah, a day in my life...never as boring as I hope for.  Oh, and just for future reference - the word naughty can mean things other than sex.

#justsayin

#NaughtyMommy Happenings - how to properly watch Dora the Explorer

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I have three little ones running around this house, so we watch a lot of Nick Jr.  Dora, Diego, Max & Ruby, Bubble Guppies....there are tons of them that aren't nearly as good as I remember cartoons being.  Maybe it's because they are shows for preschoolers, but man, they are dull. 

To make it easier on myself I like to answer their questions in my head with grownup answers.  I also create elaborate backstories for all of the characters that fits with the storyline.  In my mind, they spice berries are a code name for ecstacy, and it was stolen by the mermaids that are running a multi-layer prostitution ring that has actually hired the sidekick to do the cleanup work....basically I just lay an episode of Law & Order over the entire thing.  It's good stuff, and really makes these ridiculous shows bearable - you should try it! 

The only show I don't have to do that to is Spongebob - that show is so completely off the wall and hilarious that it entertains me on it's own.  Well done Spongebob, well done.

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The #truth about mother/baby bonds

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I know what a lot of you are thinking - “I understand it, my dogs are just like my kids.”  I know because I used to be that guy.  And trust me, you don’t know.  And it’s not something that I can really explain or describe fully, either, but I will do my best.  

See what I mean? Ugly and gross.So many women talk about the first time they see their baby - how beautiful they are, the life changing emotions, and the immediate and overwhelming sense of love.  Well, it doesn’t happen that way for everyone.  At all.  

Babies are gross.  Don’t forget that I am a biologist, can dissect a brain without wearing gloves and have eaten guinea pig.  But newborns are seriously gross - they come out of your uterus, first of all, and they are grayish and slimy and covered in a thick layer of white sticky stuff.  When I had my first baby I told the midwife that I really wanted her to be wiped off before they laid her on me, and it was still not enough.  

When they handed her to me for the first time, my very first thought was “she is so ugly”.  You go your entire pregnancy with a terrible fear of having an ugly baby...and babies are almost always ugly.  Especially if they are born naturally...or mine, apparently.  I had a hard labor, and her head was super squished and really bruised - you could barely see her eyes.  We just sat there staring at each other, and I couldn’t help thinking “this is it?  I went through all of that for this?”  The bond was NOT immediate, obviously.  And she smelled like raw chicken, not even joking.  

I felt like such a terrible mom!  You are supposed to cry when you have a baby, and love them so much that you can’t stand to have them away from you.  I mostly A face only a mother could love...eventually. Kidding, totally kidding.felt disappointed and relieved that it was over.  Right after that they took her and my hubby to give her a bath and get her less grossified, and I had to go in for surgery, so I didn’t see her for another couple of hours, which is FOREVER in the land of babies.  Once I got her back the love started growing a little more, and that love hasn’t stopped growing since then (even when she drew on every surface of her room with a sharpie).  

So we are all different, I suppose, but it’s not all roses like it is for some women.  I’ve had three kids, and it has been the same for all of them.  I love them because they are mine, but the deep, kill a person, kill yourself love that you have for your kids took time.  Not a year, but a couple of days. 

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#NaughtyMommy Happenings: Kids can be fun!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Sometimes having kids is a bummer.  They can be a major pain in the buns, and it is the most time consuming, stressful and thankless job on the planet.  Butttttttt, sometimes it is AWESOME!  Anika and I just had a little makeup session, and she did a pretty good job!  She's three...girls are fun!

#NaughtyMommy Happenings: Dead or Asleep?

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

When you have kids...no, wait...when  you have more than one kid, you start to look at things differently.  With your first baby you are all neurotic and tender.  With number two, well, not so much.  

When my oldest was a baby, I would spend hours getting her to go to sleep, and when I would finally feel comfortable enough to lay her down, I would sneak back in to make sure she was breathing twenty minutes later.  It’s just a part of being a new mom - babies die in their cribs all the time.  SIDS is a real thing, and they can just stop breathing.  And there really is no coming back from something like that, I’m pretty sure.  

Now that I have a hundred kids (or three, whatever), I am less psycho about it.  I still check on them all at night before I go to bed, give them little sleepy kisses and make sure they are breathing.  But sometimes...I let them sleep.  In the morning if one of them sleeps longer than normal, I let them.  If naptime turns into three hours of sleep instead of the normal two, I let it happen.  

But here’s the nutso in the butso part - I worry.  A lot.  I worry more about them sleeping an extra hour than I worry about them doing any other thing.  This is the hard part about being a mom of lots of kids, I NEVER get quiet time.  EVER ever ever.  I can count on one hand the number of times they have all been sleeping at the same time during the day, or even just the two big ones sleeping at the same time during the day.  So any chance I get I take it for sure.  But in my mind I constantly wonder if they are asleep or if they are dead.  Dead or asleep?  I want to go check, but if I do I risk waking them up and losing the few minutes of quiet(er) time.  But if they aren’t breathing, I risk losing those few extra minutes of revival and CPR time.  It’s a constand either or, weighing the options and risks.  Stupid stressful.

No joke, that is what moms think about.  Now you know.

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