#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (growing pains)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012 at 1:04PM<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission
This weekend was the first time during my entire "6 Month NO MAN mission" that I was truly "man free".
Friday night was wonderful. I had a near perfect day on Saturday, and I attribute it to the fact that I didn't make any plans, rather I just went wherever my spirit called. I couldn't have predicted just how awesome my day would be on Saturday. I knew inside that I should just go home at the end of it, but I didn't listen to my spirit. Instead I agreed to join my beautiful "Blue" for drinks at the premier date spot in Encinitas. I made two mistakes simultaneously. First of all, choosing to go out when I knew that a peaceful night at home was what my spirit called for. Second, thinking it would be a good idea to go to a date spot to have drinks when I am single, alone, with no prospects of new love, and totally missing life in relationship-town.
I arrived first and as I looked around, the high that I was riding from my amazing day quickly went on a steady decline. Everywhere I looked were couples, people on first dates, people on third dates, groups of couples having a nice dinner together, and there I was alone. By the time "Blue" arrived I was so anxious that I could hardly hold a conversation with her. I was so preoccupied with people watching and wondering if the love of my life was going to walk through the door, (all the while knowing that he wouldn't) that I couldn't just be present with her. After the first glass of wine, I was feeling better so I ordered us another round as well as a ridiculously gluttonous dessert-which I ate every last bite of, alone. Half way through the second drink, "Blue" was texting her new man, making plans for him to pick her up. I started to panic, knowing that I could not drive home because I am tiny and definitely over the legal limit, knowing that she was going to get swooped up by her man and I was painfully alone. It didn't help that within the past 24 hours I had began texting with my ex again for the first time in a month because it was his birthday. I could feel my shoulders tensing up, and my heart falling into my stomach. I felt trapped. Trapped in the cold reality of truly being "man free". I have to be honest, I really don't like being "man free".
So, here I am half way through my "6 Month NO MAN mission" and I feel like for the first time I am actually doing what I planned to do on this mission-and I don't like it. I'm sure it is just a transitional thing, I will settle into this place and get used to it, but for now, I am bummed out. I am clearly aware of the lessons that I am learning right now and I know it is all part of a very transformational process for me, but growing hurts. That's why the term "growing pains" exists. I am having growing pains. I think what did me in last night is the fact that for the first time I didn't have a distraction. I have always had a guy that could distract me from the lonely feelings, so I never truly felt alone. Last night, I felt alone, and it is a good thing. As much as it sucked, I am glad that "Trainer" didn't answer me, or that "Someone" was at a concert, and that "Spiritual Gangster" was up to his own shenanigans. I needed to have a night like last night, to learn and grow.
The positive spin on this whole thing? There are lots of positives, but the biggest is that I'm not really alone. I have my homie Tim (baby daddy) and my beautiful son. Instead of taking a cab home, I called Tim and he came and picked me up, and brought my car home so that I could get to work in the morning. So, you see, I am not alone-but Tim and I have already had our time together, we are simply the best of friends...so I am still waiting, and longing for my one true love to appear in my life. I know that as long as I am hoping for him, he won't show up. I realize this, but I am nothing if not blatantly honest, so I have no problem admitting that truly all I want in my life is- LOVE- real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other, love.
My name is Tiffany and I am having growing pains.
