#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (the return of Autumn)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I should have known I was asking for trouble when I announced that my alter ego "Autumn" wanted to come out to play. The minute I chose to put on my one and only pair of red shoes, with polka dots, I must have subconsciously known that I was in for a night of shenanigans. When I ordered a lemon drop with a sugar rim, I knew I was making a choice to go down a road that I had not traveled in a very long time. 

"Autumn" is the part of me that I keep under wraps almost all the time. She is wild, uninhibited, and down right naughty. Anyone who has met my alter ego "Autumn" will tell you that she is trouble. "Autumn" has been locked up deep inside me for about 3.5 years. I am a single woman for the first time in a decade. I dipped my toes in the cold water with "Trainer", I cut the chord with "Someone", and I had been on my"6 Month NO MAN Mission" for close to three months. I was ready for her to come back, with a vengeance. 

When "Dirty Bob" and I showed up at the second bar, I knew I was in for it. Not only was "Trainer" there, but so was "Spiritual Gangster" (he is another story, for another time) with his roommates who are also adorable. Suddenly I felt like a dude, I felt like the player of the bunch as I fluttered between the two groups of men and flirted gratuitously with all of them. "Autumn" was out in full force. By the end of the night, I had a very cute man dancing for me, not with me, for me. That's right, and it was f'n glorious. Much to my dismay, "Trainer" left with another girl. Chances are, he got sick of watching me flirt with other guys. It's a good thing because if  "Trainer" hadn't left with the blonde du jour  "Autumn" probably would have ended up doing something with him that I would regret in the morning.

Saturday was a harsh reality. I got called into work the morning after drinking hard alcohol for the first time in years and unleashing the beast that is "Autumn". I suppose I was being taught a lesson. In fact I would wager to bet that I am still being taught a lesson about my good ole pal "Autumn". I think the Karma Police came to get me. After Friday night, I had the worst two days at work ever, followed by my one and only cold in the past year. The positive spin on this story is that last week I was worried that I may be forming a drinking problem, Friday night cured that for me. I have had no desire to touch alcohol since that night. Victory! 

In all seriousness though, I am happy that "Autumn" made a cameo appearance during my " 6 Month No Man Mission" because having her around taught me a valuable lesson about this mission. The more I tell myself that I can't have something, the more I want it. By me putting myself on this mission, I have been denying a part of me that exists, and it just isn't natural for me to inflict such harshness on myself. It's like I was a girl who just got out of her strict catholic parents house for the first time on Friday night. The most important thing I learned is that the wild single life is not for this girl. So, what now you may be wondering? I don't know. I am taking it day by day. I do not plan to just go out and have sex and get all hot and heavy in a relationship, but I am also not going to close myself off the way I was-because I don't want to see "Autumn" again. If I continue to force myself to be a perfect angel, my devil is bound to rear her gorgeous head again, and that isn't safe for anyone, but mostly it isn't safe for me.

My name is Tiffany, and I have now entered the land of Autumn and Everything After...

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (damn you hollywood)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

In an attempt to take my mind off of life last night I rented a movie. I opted for "Friends with Benefits" featuring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. The movie was really good, definitely a chick flick. It was funny and heart warming, plus it had Justin Timberlake in it which is never a bad thing in my opinion. The problem is, just like every other romantic comedy or love story out there it made me long for unrealistic ideals in love. Ironically, the movie often touched on the fact that movies make women in particular want things that just don't happen in real life, yet it had the typical happy; epic love story ending. Damn you, Hollywood!

The movie got me thinking about the whole concept of "friends with benefits". I have never had such a thing because I am just not built that way, but damn I would love to have someone who is my best friend and also my lover. Wait, isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be like? See, I don't get it. What is the point of "friends with benefits"? If a person is your best friend, you can't wait to hang out with them, AND you have amazing sex why wouldn't you want to just make it into a relationship? I am  utterly perplexed by the whole concept. However, at this point in my mission; after not being touched for what feels like a hundred years; knowing that I am emotionally unavailable for an epic love story right now; a F.W.B type situation doesn't sound too bad. Simmer down boys, it is not gonna happen! 6 month no man mission is in full effect.

At the end of this movie I found myself tipsy off a glass of red wine, texting my ex because I was nostalgic, and wishing for my own epic love story featuring me and a sexy leading man who starts out as my friend and turns into my forever. Damn you, Hollywood!

I have always said that I want my life to be like the movies, and I have to admit that it has been in a lot of ways, both good and bad. In fact my life story would make a pretty damn good movie. I have had amazing life experiences, happiness, heartbreak, and my share of epic love stories, but where is my happy ending? Yes, I mean this in more ways than one..he he.

My name is Tiffany, and I am a hopeless romantic who still believes in epic love stories with happy endings and I believe that mine is on it's way.

Damn you, Hollywood!

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (torched)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I had to dive deep for this post. I had to navigate my way back to the beginning of it all, I pulled up my playlist on Spotify titled “Circa 2008” and I went back there, to relive it, to feel it once again, and it still hurt, but not nearly as bad as it once did. In delving into this dark place I found the deep rooted reason I decided to embark on this journey. I didn’t embark on this mission because of my most recent break up, rather because of the demise of my marriage 4 years ago. It wasn’t until I was asked to tell more about this story that I had the realization that this is why I am on my 6 Month No Man Mission. As I went back “there”, as I jumped head first into the abyss of pain and loss, I  realized that instead of having raw, open wounds, the deep cuts that I inflicted upon myself and others are now healing. What once hurt to the touch, is now just a scar. That is pretty f’n powerful to me. I never thought I would ever heal from the hurt I caused, the loss, the regrets-but I am living proof that time really does heal all wounds.

Alright, so where do I begin? How do I turn this epically sad story into a blog post? There are so many standpoints that I have written this story from in my mind over the past 4 years. I could write it from the perspective of the betrayer who hates herself for her mistakes. I could write it from the perspective of a woman who has found passion and excitement in her life once again and is elated by the fire burning deep inside. I could write it from the perspective of a bored wife who couldn’t take another day of monotony. I could write it from the standpoint of a woman who is looking back with clarity, forgiveness, and wisdom. I have been lived each one of these roles. I could make this story sound very different depending on which role I choose. I choose the one that is in alignment with who I am today, where I am today, and what I’ve learned, but I will tell the story from each role.

I have to preface this whole story with the statement that it was very difficult for me to revisit this time in my life. I have many regrets that are still living deep within me that I don’t revisit often because it is too painful. I still very much love my ex husband. I will love him until my dying day. I still love my ex fiance. I will love him until my dying day. They are both wonderful men who treated me with pure, unconditional love, and I am extremely lucky to have shared a part of my life, and soul with them. I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned while being with them. I am humbled by the love they gave me. I am not making light of the situation, this is my story, from my perspective-the betrayer, the lover, the wife, the wise woman who still has much to learn.

Torched

His phone vibrated over and over again. He ignored it. We continued to kiss in the heat of passion. A million thoughts flooded my mind as Radiohead’s “Climbing Up the Walls” played in the background “I can’t believe I am kissing another man after 7 years” , “This feels so good, just like the movies” ,“I can’t believe we have the perfect soundtrack playing in the background”, “This is so epic and amazing”, “Oh, No, what have I done?”, “There is no turning back now”. His phone vibrated again, and again. “Go ahead and check it” I told him finally. He flipped open his silver Motorola Razor phone and made a face that I knew could only mean one thing. It was him. It was my husband. I will call him “Bo” for the purpose of this blog. “Bo” knew something was up. “Bo” and I were together for 7 years, married for 5. I had just told him 2 weeks prior to this night that I no longer wanted to be married to him. He had just moved out of the home we created together a short 10 days before. We were broken up, but for all intents and purposes I might as well have cheated on my “Bo”. The worst part is that “Bo” and “Someone” were friends. Sure, they were initially introduced as “weed buddies” and that is what I told myself when I was trying to live with the disgust of what I had done-fallen for and pursued one of “Bo’s” friends. It still makes me cringe when I think about it. “Someone”(my ex fiance) called “Bo” back on that fateful night. I could hear “Bo” screaming at him, “You’ve got some nerve, man”, “Send her down, NOW”. I was scared. “Bo” was outside of “Someones” apartment at 2:30 A.M on a Saturday. He was living in the same city as “Someone” since he had moved out of our home, and he had a hunch to drive past “Someones” house that night. As I paced around “Someones” apartment trying to compose myself and figure out what to do, I was in a panic. What would happen next? Is he going to do something crazy? I hated myself for what was happening. What had I done? My life had come crashing down before my eyes, and I had done the one thing I vowed to never do-cause my “Bo” pain.

After a few minutes I finally got the courage to call “Bo” and try to talk to him. He was out of his mind livid, I can’t blame him. I would be too. “Bo” screamed at me, saying things like “You’re so predictable” “I knew it” “How could you?” in addition to lots of other things that I don’t care to repeat. He finally left after he realized that I wasn’t going to come down to talk to him in that state of mind. All I could picture is him sitting in the corner of our living room holding and oozy when I got home. He assured me that he would not be at our house and that he wanted nothing at all to do with me ever again.

Ouch. It hurts like hell to revisit this.

This night was the night that my entire life for 7 years went up in flames. It is the night that I took a match to the life I knew and torched the whole thing. This is just the beginning of the story of “The Day That Everything Became Nothing”.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (sex with the ex)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I'm not gonna lie, I have been missing my ex. Well, let me be clear, add an s to the ex, and that is really what I have been missing. Yes, I am a human being and I miss s-ex. Sex with the ex that is. I am on my "6monthnomanmission" but I am very good at justifying things. In my mind, on a cold lonely night, my NO MAN mission does not apply to my ex. I mean, really what is the harm in hooking up with the only person I have been intimate with for close to 4 years? Yes, I see the flaws in this plan.

Deep down, if I'm being honest, I think a part of me is on this mission because I don't want to ever go through what I went through when I left my husband. I left my husband who I was with for 7 years and immediately started dating my now ex fiance'. That did damage that is beyond repair to all parties involved. It has taken me close to 4 years, a lot of heartache, and a hell of a lot of demon fighting for me to finally forgive myself for that decision. So, when I ended my relationship with my fiance' I felt all warm and cozy inside knowing that I would not be hurting him like that because I am on my NO MAN mission. By "no man mission" I mean no man except my ex. That works, right? Wrong!

I get weak sometimes, let's be honest, a lot of times, and I end up texting my ex. Last week, texting turned into sexting. Because I know where my ex has been, and I know what we have together in that department, I could definitely justify a night in his bed. I would have done it too. Thank God I was just 2 short days away from my brazilian wax appointment or else I would have jumped right back down the crazy rabbit hole that is our relationship. Long live, Vanity!

Looking back, I am so happy that I let my vanity keep me from going over there. I still miss s-ex a lot, but I am starting to feel a little more sane these days and going over and spending a night in bed romping with him would send me into a tailspin all over again. So, what did I do? I deleted his number from my phone. Yes, I do know his number by heart, but if it isn't programmed in my phone then it will be a little more difficult for me to contact him. Just a little, but if I have to dial his number every time I want to text or call him, I will be reminded of why I took his number out in the first place.

My name is Tiffany, I miss s-ex...but I won't do it. 6monthNOMAN (including my ex)mission in FULL effect.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

Editors note: This is amazing that you're starting to uncover more of the root of your addiction to love and men. Can you tell us more about your husband and what happened?? ROCK ON!! Thank you for being so brave!! xoxo

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (hands)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

Did you ever hear that you can tell the size of a guys penis by his hands? Well, I have and as a result I have been studying men’s hands for years. As soon as I think a guy is cute, I look at his hands. Short, thin fingers=short thin penis. Long, thick fingers=long thick penis. You get the picture? As women, we are kind of just hoping for the luck of the draw. We can’t really predict what they have going on down there, unless you look at their hands. It is tried and true. Try it, see for yourself. I would love to hear your feedback. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to waste my time with a guy who has short, thin fingers, ya know what I mean?! That is terrible, vain, and only slightly, true.

These days I look at hands a lot more, because after 2 ½ long months of no sex, I am dying over here. It is kind of ridiculous really. Don’t even get me started on becoming the Master of My Domain, that is a whole blog post in and of itself. Actually, now that I think of it, it is quite appropriate that I named this entry “hands”.

The point is, I am like a dog in heat. I hate this NO MAN mission, but I love it. Right now, a man could have the perfect hands eh, hmm “Ken” and it won’t matter. See, I am keeping myself out of trouble by being on this mission. I have even been a good girl and not indulging my ex when he sexts me. I am so proud of my progress and  I found an amazing outlet for all of this sexual frustration. Working out. It really helps to “work it out” in some weird way.

I’m all talk really, I wouldn’t shun a guy because of his hands...but don’t think I am not looking, because I am. So, if you see my eyes looking at your hands, you will know what I’m thinking.

My name is Tiffany, I love man hands, and I am really f’n thankful I am on this mission.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!