Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Third Date Syndrome)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

I really only entered the dating scene hardcore for the first time in 2009.  Life was so much simpler back then.  I was listening to 3OH!3.  Unbelievably, Community and Modern Family weren’t even shows yet, and I’m glad they are here now.  Neither was The Cleveland Show though, so you win some and you lose some.

I was late to the game, but jumped into the dating pool with both feet.  Fresh off of the first, only, and longest-lasting relationship of my life, I moved to L.A. to start fresh three years ago and I have learned a lot in that time.  Things such as:

-        Be honest when you want to end a relationship.  Don’t pussy-foot around the issue, it’s easier to just be straight-up with the person when you’re just not that interested.

-        Don’t eat a ton of food at a Super Bowl party and then go over to a girl’s house and eat dinner.

-        Sometimes girls will use you for sex, and it’s not a bad thing. 

-        Don’t get blackout drunk and then call a girl you kind of like but have only been hanging out with for two weeks.  You might never find out what you said.

-        Don’t get heavily attached emotionally to a girl that only wants to be friends unless you’re sure that you are cool with being friends.  Find out within the first couple of weeks where you really stand because she’s already made up her mind.

-        After being in a monogamous relationship for two years, you remember how much condoms really suck but I’ll be damned if they aren’t worth it as compared to the consequences of not using a condom and being unlucky just one time.

-        Match.com has zero benefits over OkCupid and yet it costs like $30 a month.

-        I have never tried PlentyOfFish, but I’ve heard the same thing about that site. 

-        The best way to a girl’s heart is by fixing YOU before you try fixing anyone else.  All the issues you’ve got in relationships or finding a significant other start from within and the more you focus on bettering yourself, the easier dating will be.

-        If a girl is on OkCupid Mobile while in your bed, take that as a sign that this is goodbye.

Yes, this is my life.  Never let it be said that I hold back on the follies of it.

Which perfectly leads me to “Third Date Syndrome,” the potential disease of my dating life currently.  I have been on many first dates in the last three years.  I’ve been on OkCupid for probably a little over a year, and most of the first dates have come during that time.  I’ve met a lot of interesting girls and some not-so-interesting girls, but with every date you should learn something.

Every person that you make a relationship with, no matter how small, should have some effect on your life. 

In a way, we are all marbles on a wobbly board, knocking each other back and forth and changing positions while not always being aware of how a marble on the other side of the board is going to eventually move us.  You might only go out on one date with “Diane” but isn’t it likely that the 30 minutes you spent with her has taught you something? 

Maybe it’s that you don’t like the name Diane.  Maybe it’s that you didn’t think that particular coffee shop was a good place for a date.  Maybe it’s that you actually want to go ahead with the operation and change your name to Diane.  It could be anything.  But most likely it’s the sex change thing.

Either way, everyone we come into contact with can teach us something.  Something about ourselves, the world, and how we interact in that world.  Over three years of dating, I’ve learned a lot but I’ve also learned that I still know very little.

I’ve gone a lot of first dates.  I’ve gone on a few second dates.  But I’ve been shit out of luck on third dates for awhile.  I got Third Date Syndrome.

There’s a lot of reasons a person can acquire this syndrome.  For one, I obviously haven’t met anyone that I’ve clicked with on that level.  Secondly, I haven’t been too pushy on any of the relationships that I have started.  The last girl that I went out with more than two times was gorgeous and in retrospect seemed like she would be an awesome companion.  Even after a few dates she was showing a lot of interest in me and doing nice things for me. 

It’s not that I didn’t like her.  It’s not that I wasn’t being nice to her too.  I was just being very passive about the whole situation.  Eventually, it got to the point where I just realized I hadn’t talked to her in like a week and then I texted her and got no response.  That was that.

To be honest, my personal heartbreaks from the past have made it hard for me to attach to anyone else.  It’s not that I wouldn’t like to, it’s more like I just forgot how.  Mentally, how do I get back to the point where I have a crush on a girl again?

As I write this, I have a second date with a girl tonight.  I really want it to go as well as the first date went or better.  I want it to go so well that tomorrow I tell myself “Damn son, I wanna see that gurl again. YOU KNOW?! NAH MEAN!!!!!” (My inner monologue is narrated by Method Man.)

But there’s no guarantee that I will think that.  There’s no guarantee that she’ll be thinking something like that.  There’s no guarantee that I’m cured of Third Date Syndrome, and even if I am, will I just find out that I now suffer from Fourth Date Syndrome?

Well, life and dating aren’t about guarantees.  If you spend your life putting stock into guarantees, you’ll find out that life is sorely lacking.  It’s about taking a leap of faith. 

I just need to learn how to do that again.  Just like I learned to turn my phone off and hide the battery before I start to drink heavily. 

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

(For parts 2 and 3 on my story of losing 150 lbs, please check out my blog!)

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (The Honest Story of How I Lost 150 lbs)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

The story of my dating life as I tell it on TNTML would be somewhat incomplete if I didn’t explain how I got here.  How did I find myself as a single, 29-year-old male in Los Angeles? 

This isn’t my life story, but it is the story of my life.  I’d like to think I’m not defined by any one thing, but my struggles with weight are a major part of who I am.  On my blog, I’ll be chronicling how I gained weight (more than once) and how I ultimately lost 150 pounds to become nearly the man I am today.  This is part one… Growing Up Fat.  Because this is a long story, I’ll detail the other parts on kennethauthor.com and then get back to my dating stories next week.  (Lots happening there too!)

The most personal of all my personal stories is about being fat.  I don’t want to use words like “obese” or “overweight” or “tubber tubber belly rubber” because that’s not what my affliction is called.  It’s called being fat, and growing up I was one of the fattest kids in school.

I don’t think anybody can know how something like that starts if it’s all you’ve ever known.  From my earliest memories (of which there are few, and mostly spotty at best because apparently I was a stoner from the time I was three?) I have always been a big kid.  Not just in width, but also in height.

To put it in perspective, because I have no damn clue how tall I was at any age, I am 6’6″ now and I haven’t grown much since early in high school.  This height advantage proved to be somewhat of a disadvantage in terms of any efforts to trim up before I started hitting those critical puberty stages.  (Crossing my fingers that I hit puberty any day now.)

People would tell me, “You’ll thin out” or “It’s just baby fat.”

Nope, this is real fucking fat and the taller I get the more I expand.  I felt like I was some machine that needed to feed itself more food in order to survive.  I have more than once in my life been called a “bear” and not in the much more appealing homosexual way.

At least bears in the gay community are desired.  I was just a big ass dude.

So, there I sat (always sitting.  Fat, get it?) as a kid in elementary school – middle school – high school, as the big kid.  As the “huge” kid.  Not just fat.  Not just tall.  But a whole lot of both.

How does one cope with that?  Who the hell would my heroes be to look up to?  Baloo the Bear from TaleSpin?  Chunk from Goonies?  (A special “Fuck you” to anyone that told me to do the “Truffle Shuffle.”)  More importantly, how does a kid that’s 10 or 12 or 14 independently lose weight on his own accord?

It’s not as easy as it seems.  Kids need guidance for shit like that.  And it was fucking killing me that I was not skinny.  Seriously, it’s some depressing shit to grow up and have crushes, or see your friends get girlfriends, or want to be respected in sports and then have none of that.

I would have done anything to be skinny.

I can remember going over several ways to lose weight, one of which was inspired by Theodore in Alvin and the Chipmunks when he decided to steam up the bathroom and sweat it all out.

That didn’t work.  Damn you for being a cartoon.

I remember being inspired by the most random shit on television like a story about Hulk Hogan on Nickelodeon, or an episode of Head of the Class when the fat kid Dennis comes back from summer break looking even bigger and then reveals that he was hiding pillows in his clothes and had actually lost weight.

Fuckkkk… I want to pull pillows out of my clothes after summer break too.

But up until the time I was eighteen, I did not lose any weight.  I just packed and packed and stored more for the winter.  I played some football and some basketball, but those aren’t real workouts if you are supplementing them with McDonald’s.

I had small bits of “Okay, I’m going to go running!” but they never lasted very long.  I would starve myself for a day or two because I didn’t know any better.  None of it really mattered because I was too naive, too lazy, too hungry to stop the cycle.

I mean, have you had a Double-Quarter Pounder with Cheese?  That shit’s bomb and it’s half-a-pound.

When I was a senior in high school, I weighed myself and found that I was finally checking in at 300 lbs.  That’s a big number.  It’s a “milestone number.”  It’s the kind of number that no fat kid wants to see and it was an eye-opener.

I knew I had to do something about it and that I was no longer young enough to make excuses.  This is when I lost weight… for the first time.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: 3 different emails ... 3 different responses

First up, if you haven't read my OKC profile - you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I've received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn't in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K ... cool ... here we go ...

Eeh, this comes off as superly duperly cocky. "I don't think you could handle a date with me?" I would DIE before I ever sent that to a guy. Given, I have had my own douchey moments, but this one does nothing for me. 

Had he opened with, wow! Look at our compatibility (which to be honest wasn't even that high)! I'm moving back to LA in August, want to grab a drink? 

That would have worked. 

But also, why the fuck are you making plans in January for August? This is making my head hurt. I want to leave now. 

Actual Response: None

This is cool - he's complimentary, but outside of that does nothing for me. "If interested love to hear from you"? Fuck that shit man - grow a pair and say, I'm free this week - what's your schedule like, let's grab a drink!! None of this tip toeing around things ... it's OKC!!! Clearly I am on here because I am looking for a date, so go for it! 

Actual Response: None

Eh? What is this? ::facepalm::

Actual Response: None

Not a good week for me on OKC dudes. Not a good week ::sigh:: 

#thatisall

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Letter to my next girlfriend)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

I was on a date the other night when I came to the realization that I’m nearing the third anniversary of being single.

Almost three years since we broke up and I moved to Los Angeles.  Time really does fly when you’re busy as shit.

In that three years, there has only been one time when I thought I had met someone that I wanted to call my “girlfriend.”  Just one girl, and that turned out to be a disaster.  A mistake so terrible that I’m afraid I never want to call anyone “girlfriend” again.  (Unless it’s Queen Latifah.  YO WASSUP GIRLFREN’!)

Speaking of Living Single, that’s what I’ve been doing and I love it.  There are no rules on what you can or can’t do when you’re single.  You only hold yourself accountable.  It’s a matter of deciding what works for you and what doesn’t.  It’s not that I’m against being in a relationship, but I’ve really not felt anything special for anyone in a very long time and I’m not in a rush to do so right now.
When I am ready though, I have some requests for her.

Dear Next Girlfriend,

Wow, thanks for choosing me to be your Next Boyfriend!  I really look forward to starting this journey together, to getting to know even more about you, to peer into your soul, and to convincing you to let me go through the back door on my birthday.

You are a very sexy lady with a great personality and a quick wit.  I know this because I chose you to be my Next Girlfriend.  Talking to you is so easy, and I don’t mind feeling like the dumb one in the conversations sometimes.  Your intelligence is your sexiest quality.

Your ass is your second sexiest.

Anyways, there are just a few requests I have before we get serious about this relationship.  Let’s call them Relationquests.  These are going to be very helpful to us in order to have the best relationship possible.  One that’s both long-lasting and deep.  Here are my relationquests:

• I’m a sensitive guy sometimes, so treat me that way.  If that makes me a pussy, then I guess you can fuck me and call me a pussy.  I work very hard and take my work very seriously, and so when you tell me that it’s not good, I get hurt.  When you laugh at me for getting hurt, I get angry.  I don’t mind criticism, but make it constructive.  Don’t just be mean about it and think you’re being funny.
• Don’t make me meet your family or demand to meet my family, until I am ready.  Yeah, I am weird about family.  I get very anxious at the idea of taking that step.  It’s a doozy.  Be sensitive to the idea that I will meet your family when I am ready and don’t push me into it or I will retreat.  The first time that I ever saw my mom talk to my dad, I was 22-years-old.  We all have our hang-ups, so I guess you could call that mine.  I will treat your hang-ups with just as much respect.  
• My life is an open book.  I put it onto the internet, if you haven’t already noticed.  Now your life is an open book to by proxy.  I hope you are okay with that.
• Make me the first person you talk to in the morning, every morning.  I will do the same.  A simple “Good morning” text is all it takes, but it lets a person know that they’re number one, and now you’re number one.
• Don’t make me guess why you’re mad at me.  We all have good reasons to be angry.  Not everything is going to be honky-dorey 24/7.  We’re going to get into fights.  But the fight only gets worse when one person has to “Miss Cleo” the other persons thoughts.  I’ll respect your right to call me out on my shit or to be pissed off at me, but we’re going around in circles when you try to “send me a message” by giving me the silent treatment or whatever, rather than just tell me what the problem is.
• Take a compliment, but don’t go fishing.  You don’t need to fish.  We’re together, obviously I think you’re beautiful, smart, funny, so don’t feel bad about yourself or ever doubt that I don’t believe everything I just said.
• Seriously, about that thing I said early, it’s my birthday.  Please.
• Let me be jealous sometimes.  It just means that I kind of like you.  And you, be jealous sometimes… it tells me that you like me too.  We just won’t be accusatory.

These are just a few relationquests I have before we start this up.  Please feel free to send me yours as well and we can see how well they match up, or maybe find out beforehand before someone gets hurt.  I want this to work because it’s hard to give another person that much trust, especially every person you meet after your first real heart break.  But I’m willing to try with you.

Thanks dear.  P.S. – My Birthday is in December, so start getting prepared now for that present.

-Kenny

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (What you said, what I read)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

It’s time for another edition of everybody’s favorite game show, What You Said and What I Read!

Duh-duh-da-duuh.  Duh-duh-da-duhh.  Duh-duh-da-da-DA-duh, da-da-da-da-da-duh-duh-da-DUH!!!!

Our first dater.. COME ON DOWN!

Here is what YOU said!

Here is what I read!

“Possessions.  I love possessions.  Buy me things to win my heart.  Also, I am close with my family.  But first and FOREMOST… SHOES!”

There are so many of things about this first sentence that make me go “HMMM” 

First of all, she starts out her profile with what her shoes of choice are?  I could be outdated on what the current gender stereotypes are, but I think this would be more appropriate on a website where you were just trying to make some other ladies to be friends with.  I’m not sure why a guy would be super concerned with what your “shoes of choice” are.

GUY: “Hmm.  This chick seems cool.  Has two dogs.  Has a pretty smile.  Likes Guns N Roses.  But seriously though, what kind of shoes does she like?  How can someone fill out a profile and not talk about footwear?  Gimme a break lady.  Fill out the “Shoes” section of your profile first and then MAYBE I’ll drop you a line.”

Second of all, her shoes of choice are “Uggs, flip flops, chucks, workout shoes or my fancy high heels.”  So, your shoes of choice are… “All”? 

“My car of choice is two-door, four-door, convertible, hard-top, truck, jeep, SUV, ATV, motorcycle, unicycle, jet-ski, ski-doo, or my fancy bi-plane!”

Third of all, your self-summary reads as: 1. I love shoes.  2. I’m from Los Angeles.  3. I’m REALLY close to my family and friends. 4. I’m a photographer/artist.  5… I’m growing tired of reading at this point.

I mean, beyond the fact that she has listed shoes ahead of where she’s from, that she is close to her family, and what she does for a living, is one thing that’s very curious, but what really kills it for me is that her self-summary is one, long jumbled mess.  It’s the longest run-on sentence in the history of run-on sentences. 

I can’t keep up with it, I care not to continue.  I was actually so curious about it that I copy/pasted it into word and guess how many words her self-summary is.  542!!!!  If you’re wondering how long that is in comparison to what it looks like on screen, here is an idea: From what you’ve read in this very article by now, THIS is the 420^th word! (haha, that 420 was not planned.)

 Seriously, I know that I can be long-winded, but her self-summary is over 100 more words than what you have read in this article.  And it’s only stuff about her.  And most of it is filler information. 

You have a whole lot of profile to fill out that will help explain who you are, don’t try and smush it all in at once.  And yes, that IS what she said. 

Sorry dater, see ya later.

Next dater, COOMMMEE.  ONNNNN.. DOWNNN!!!!!!

Here is what YOU said!

Here is what I read!

“Favourite.  Favourite.  Favourite. Murder. Death. Kill.”

The best way to describe my last 10 minutes is in novel form:

Kenny was perusing OkCupid profiles, clicking around and looking for people that had something interesting, funny, or witty to say. 

:click: :click: :click:

He slumped in his chair, symbolically flipping through the pages of the women of Los Angeles, the single souls of thousands of others that were looking for that one connection that would dutifully make all the other connections seem inconsequential and flimsy in comparison.  If he had only known what the next click would bring, he may have never tried this online search to begin with.

:click:

“Oh, here is an interesting profile,” he thought to himself.  “This girl’s got that Echo Park-ness to her.  Hipster, purple hair, into music and art.”

He doesn’t mind any of those things.  He likes girls that are a bit “on the edge” and she certainly was representing herself in this way.  Then he came across a single word that changed everything.

“Favourite”

“Oh, is she British?  Canadian?  That would be cool.  I love British girls.”

But Kenny continued to look through the profile to find some hint that she was from across the pond.  He found no evidence that she was.  He tried to stay calm, but frantically he continued his search for some semblance of proof that said she was not American.  Instead he found the word again.  And again.

He was trying to keep his calm, but sweat consumed his brow and his heart began to race.

“WHY IS SHE WRITING THAT WORD LIKE THAT?!  WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?!” Kenny screamed out, in a panic, in a crisis.  It took every fiber of his being to not pick up the computer and smash it into a million pieces and then pick up those pieces and smash each one into a million more.  “If the internet is a series of cables and wires, then I will spend until my dying day pulling those wires and cutting those cables so that no person would ever dare to be use a word like “favourite” or “colour” unless that person came from a country that put u’s into those words!” 

He reached into his desk drawer for the pint of whiskey tucked behind the files and without taking the time to grab a glass he screwed off the cap.  He didn’t even put the cap down, he just let it fall out of his hand as he tipped the glass container into his mouth and let the sweet taste of calmness drain down his throat. 

This would not be a day he would soon forgive, but maybe some time in the future he can forget.

“I pray I forget.”

DUH-DUH-DA-DUH!  FINAL DATER COME ON DOWWWWWNNNN!!!!!!

Here is what YOU said!

Here is what I read!

“I like to state the obvious.  I have no standards.”

The “You should message me if: You want to” is one of the most common “You should message me if” statements, right ahead of knowing the difference between there, their, and they’re.

I don’t really get it.  If I had gotten to the end of the profile and was undecided, then this certainly isn’t going to change my mind.  It sort of just states the obvious, like saying, “You should not message me if you’re a serial killer.”

I think this section is one of the most skipped to sections of anything on OKC and for good reason.  People want to see a summarization of how you match to them and I think that’s why OKC put it at the end.  Like, “In conclusion…” 

For whatever reason, once I put up a list of things I like and dislike in a girl, or a list of preferences, I started to get a lot more messages TO me rather than just sending OUT messages.  I don’t get nearly as many messages as a hot girl would, but I probably get the same amount of messages that Kathy Bates would.  Which is a lot for a guy like me!

Girls looked at that section and said “Oh hey, most of those are me!” and then would message me saying something like “Hey, most of those are me!”  People want to look for something to relate to or something that makes them feel like a match to somebody else.  It’s one thing for me to list a bunch of stuff about ME throughout my whole profile but then at the end I list things about YOU.  That’s the key, when I start to talk about YOU then you feel a lot more comfortable.  Girls don’t typically do the “ask a guy out first” thing but they might if you make them feel comfortable right out of the gate.  My most successful dates came when the girl made initial contact, and that all started with the “You should message me if” section becoming more specific and not just “You want to.”

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!