#FootFetish: I just got topped from the bottom (an exploration in domination)

SOOOOOO if you guys haven't heard, I have accepted my first foot slave.

Yep, true story. It all started as a joke with a tweet regarding my feet hurting and genuinely grew into this enormous thing.

I obviously have dominant traits as someone who runs a business and is a fucking pitbull in the field - but in my personal life I could not be more zen and more of a hippie. I really do love love love just flitting about seeing where life takes me, and sexually speaking being very submissive.

I've never been a dom in my personal life, but figured instead of being freaked out by all of the emails I got with guys asking to rub my feet, I could actually explore the culture and report back my findings from a very honest perspective.

The result after my first session?

I. FUCKING. LOVED. IT.

I posted on it for both this site, and in my Suicide Girl's column - but hadn't talked to the guy much after. It had less to do with him and more to do with genuine life busy-ness.

THEENNNN a few days ago I got this email ...

I read it while I was out so I forgot to respond at first ... but I just filed it away figuring I'd get to it at some point.

Then, on Thursday I got this message on Facebook from a reader of this site reminding me once again of the slave ...

Him: Hey there, do you respond to messages? I'd be interested in how your foot slave exploration is going? As a man with a foot fetish, I noticed a few things in your initial article that resulted in you losing out a little bit !

Me: What do u mean

Him: Ok, well, from the outset, you're in charge Jen.

"He didn't want me to speak to him or address him at all - I was instructed to ignore him and be mean to him as much as possible."

You should never be INSTRUCTED. You're the domme, he is the sub. You're completely in control and should feel comfortable to do things however you like. You shouldn't be here just to fulfil his fantasies. You should get the maximum pleasure out of this situation. Everything should be about you.

Also, he wants you to be really dominant with him, but he'll never tell you this outright during the act. He'll only do it in advance, as mentioned above. During it, he'll hint at it.

Things like 'I hate that we have to cut this short, he says as he stops, but I have to go now.' - He doesn't want to leave. He's here for you. He wants you to tell him that you don't give a shit whether he has to go or not, he's here for YOUR pleasure right now, and he'll be allowed to leave when YOU say he can. But he won't say that outright, because he wants to hear it come from you.

Interesting.

I then popped on my iPhone and immediately sent him back this message ...

I then popped back on Facebook on my iPad ...

Me: Amazing! I just reprimanded him via email.

Him: You don't have to thank me Jen, like I said, you're in charge, this is all about you. Another thing, I read on one of your tweets that you initially thought he stood you up. Not acceptable, it should be a privilege to be allowed to massage and pamper your feet and he should be available at a click of your fingers. Whenever you want a foot massage, you should be comfortable in demanding one, not whenever he is 'free'. If he can't meet your expectations, then trust me, you'll be able to easily replace his arse, there are plenty of foot guys that would beg for the privilege.

You threaten him with that damn right he'll be right there.

Seconds later I got this email on my iPhone ...

SUCCESS!!! I thought as I got back on my iPad ...

Me: Exact email: If you want to continue with me in any regard - do yourself a favor
and never ever address me that way in any capacity. You are here to
please me; The details of your incompetence does not interest me. I
will give you a time and you will accept or I move on. Period end of
sentence.

Him: That email is exactly how you should feel comfortable talking to him. However, is that email in response to something in particular, as I've only read your article on your initial meeting? Has he stood you up again?!

Me: He said he wasn't sure if he could continue seeing me based on his schedule. I didn't respond because I was genuinely busy. But now I finally did w that

Him: You have a lot of power Jen. He wasn't sure? Yeah, I've tried that one in the past too. The reason I said it was because I wanted her to tell me that it didn't matter whether I wasn't sure or not, I should be available to her whenever she wanted. You probably have guys lining up now.

I don't know how familiar you are with the whole thing, but do you know that some girls make a lot of money out of this?

Me: I'm not interested in money. It is helping me find my voice.

Him: Yep, I understand that, and I wasn't suggesting that you should be looking for money from it. I just meant that, there are girls making money from it, because the guys are willing to pay it to be treated in a particular way. I actually have a lot of respect for you for how open minded about the whole thing you were, and trust me, a lot of people feel the same way after seeing your article.

Me: Yay life!

Him: You may not be familiar with the phrase 'topping from the bottom' - if not, you may find this an interesting read in your journey - http://voices.yahoo.com/dominance-submission-explaining-topping-the-654712.html

Me: That's exactly what he is doing. Thank u

With that epiphany I quickly realized what I had to do. I popped back on my iPhone and sent this email ...

I then decided for me to fully adapt to the "character" I had to dissociate to step outside of my own boundaries and FULLY step outside of my own comfort zone. Again, I am all for jelly beans and free love - the notion of me being a bitch like this in my personal life is COMPLETELY foreign.

So, I shall from this point on be referred to as Mistress Jennifer in this space.

His next assignment is going to be getting me a pair of shoes I can wear when I walk all over him, and a riding crop built to properly punish him when he's been a bad boy.

It's fascinating though how much you just have to LET GO in this space. There is no right, or wrong - I can't stop half way through and ask for directions ... like I did with starting this business I just have to listen to my gut, drown out all of the previous domestication and unleash my animal.

PUUUURRRRRR ... Mistress Jennifer is on the prowl and YOUR SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET OWNED!! BOOM!!

<tangent> When in full dom mode, do not speak to people outside of the fetish world. After sending those emails I was still sending work emails and let's just say ... I was more "curt" than usual. HAHAHA AMAZING!!! </tangent>

Here's to uncovering more of my personal truth nerderinos! THIS IS SO FREAKING EXCITING!!

#yaylife

Oh and PS. Here's my OKC sex slave vid I made earlier this year. I get so many emails on OKC about it ... thanks for reaching out!!

#NerdsUnite: 6 lies you were told about high school

AHHH June - the time where a fresh brood of teens break free into the "real world" and explore the limitless potential placed in front of them.

::DEEP BREATH:: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wait, limitless? Sure! If you believe you are limitless!!

I am here today to tell the class of 2012 all the shit I wished someone had told me having graduated in 2002!

::cue song - scooby doo beginning::

1) Lie: High school is the greatest time of your life.

Truth: Surviving high school is a badge of honor.

I grew up watching Saved By The Bell- I have no idea what kids are watching now-a-days, but in Saved By The Bell era of life, high school seemed like this blessed place where all of your classmates were UNBELIEVABLY attractive, life's problems were solved in 22 minutes or less, and somehow you had enough time allocated in-between classes that you could actually kick it at places like The Max.

This is not the case.

No one will ever tell you that high school sucks; I don't know if it is because people are painfully optimistic and somehow don't want to "taint" the future generations into their potential ... but let me tell you, everyone that I've talked to since in social media has agreed ... HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! So if you survived and were able to graduate ... CONGRATS!!! Go you!!! You've now just gotten over the worst part of your life, rock on!!! Life gets SOOO much better when you have a bank account and you can actually choose where you pay rent and pick your friends.

2) Lie: Popularity matters.

Truth: Popular kids in school make the least interesting adults ... they failed to cultivate character and a personality as a kid because everything was handed to them (this is of course an outsider looking in perspective - no doubt all kids struggle to some degree). The geeks, nerds, freaks, and loners will actually rule the earth. Look, here is an email I got last year by the most popular guy in my middle school ...

This guy didn't even know my name in school ... now he reads my website?

People never knew who I was in high school. I wasn't even a nerd, I was a nobody. I was an EXTREME loner who literally had one friend that I saw outside of school property. Albeit I had recently moved to what I call my "hometown" in 8th grade, I never ever felt like I fit in in CT. If this is you, trust me, you're not alone. Life outside of your hometown IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!! I've lived in NYC for a year (when I was 17), and LA for the last 8 years and am literally the happiest camper EVER!!! In life you need to find your own level of crazy. For me that was in Los Angeles where the lattes are expensive, the sun shines 24/7, and the people are well ... just as weird as I am! Find your like energy, and be fearless enough to not look back!!!

3) Lie: You must go to college to have a successful career.

Truth: Follow. Your. Gut. Always. No matter how young or old, it will never ever steer you wrong.

Do you own thing always, and follow your gut. Mine told me growing up that I needed to live in CA - so at 19 I drove cross country for three days with my dad in my 2000 white cavalier convertible and never looked back. I found an apartment on craigslist, gave myself 30 days with $300 (my rent was $425 so I literally had 30 days) and threw caution to the wind.

(Did I mention that my first job was working for Jerry Bruckheimer? Or that my first apartment was furnished by Bob Barker after winning on the Price is Right?)

I never went to college (although I have spoken at guest lectures). I didn't mean to be "cool or rebellious" in fact, it was an INCREDIBLY difficult decision to tell people while I was still in school that I was "going to be doing my own thing." Absolutely EVERYONE thought I would be this epic failure because of the town that I grew up in and the preconceived standards that were set for all the alumni. By me paving my own way however I am the ULTIMATE outside the box thinker. For reals, I literally get paid right now to not think like everyone else. I couldn't do it, to be honest with you, even if I tried - but everything that I do is from this creative bliss that I experience from paving my own way for the last 10 years. This doesn't make me special, only awesome, but for those who may be seeking an alternative path ... all that I have to say is FOLLOW. YOUR. GUT. You already know the answers to every question that could ever be inside of you, it is your obligation however to speak your personal truth and to let go and be free exploring said alternatives.

4) Lie: Sex for the first time is magical.

Truth: Losing your virginity is not like it is in the movies - it is in fact more emotional than you will expect.

My virginity was a burden. I hated hated hated being a virgin especially because I finished high school at 16 and was about to move to NYC. I literally lost mine to a guy I met at a skeezy pool hall on the Berlin Turnpike in a cheap motel room after my junior prom. True story - you can read about it here.

I don't know why Hollywood wants us to believe it is this "grand" and "magical" moment in our lives ... because for me in a very first hand experience it was painful, awkward, and filled with a lot of ... "wait, that's it?" moments.

Adults will tell you over and over that you should wait - and they are right to a certain degree, but not for the reasons you may think. See, losing your virginity is actually an incredibly emotional experience for a female. I am FEROCIOUSLY logical, and even for me, the SECOND I lost it I wondered why no one talked about what we actually feel like afterwards. Both of my parents (who are still happily married) were high school sweethearts, so they were literally each other's ones onlys and everythings - but for me, here I was experiencing this new thing, telling no one, and feeling this ... void. Parents want to think they are "cool enough" to find out about when their teen loses their V card, but trust me .... NOOOOO TEEN EVERRRRRR wants to tell their parents they gave it up; even at 27 it still makes me shiver, and I publish my sex life online!!! 

I don't know how I'd describe losing virginity to my own daughter - but all I can say is it's never not weird. Sex in your teens is horrible. I only had it once and all I experienced was extreme pain and a phone that never rang again. Sex gets easier as you get older and come into your own skin and your own body but in your teens you can NOT expect fireworks, bells, or magic ... instead expect a few confused days wondering why everyone made such a big fuss over it all in the first place, and a general sense of "what now" when it is all over and done with.

Health class and lifeskills prepare you for the physical practice of safe sex, but not the emotional ramifications of it. For that ... rely on your friends, if you are lucky enough to have them, if not chat rooms are AWESOME!

5) Lie: Blend in with the crowd, and follow the trends set forth by your peers. Make fun of those who don't follow or say nothing.  

Truth: Embrace your awesome.

I desperately wanted to fit in in school. I literally would have given a kidney to be noticed by the popular crowd for a day. Given, this comes from my own lack of fitting in with my family, it was only magnified in school by being labeled as such a weirdo. Those skills that I developed in high school only taught me how to become an extroverted introvert in life. Had I not started talking to the kids seated around me in classes no one EEEVVEERRR would have started talking to me, which would have lead me down an even MORE depressed path and god only knows what else. I had to had to had to pipe up in every class and befriend the people sitting around me against my own wishes which TO THIS DAY is my saving grace.

I can't tell you how many people are SHOOOCCKKKKEEEEEDD when I tell them that I am a PAINFUL introvert. Had I not had those experiences in high school I never, EVER would be able to run this brand and literally be a public face and a leader for this brand. I may be reluctant at times but had it not been for those years forcing myself to friend my neighbor there is not a SHADOW OF A DOUBT that I wouldn't be where I am today.

Embrace your weirdness, embrace your awesome. The things your peers will make fun of you for in high school will only make you interesting as an adult. Had I changed any part of my personality growing up it wouldn't make me the person that I am today - so rock on with said weirdness and freaking OWN YOUR AWESOME!!! Trust, it's hard now, but it pays off ... literally!! =)

smiles.

6) Lie: Like in school, showing up is half the grade.

Truth: Showing up guarantees you nothing in the real world.

My generation LOOOVVEEEDD participatory medals. I don't know if it was Dr. Spock, or whatever fancy pants Dr. that said all kids need to be encouraged - but let me tell you this judging by what I've seen from my peers in social media, I'm not sure that worked.

My parents KICKED. OUR. ASSES. growing up, and my brother now works at the Pentagon and I run a company including this loverly website. My parents, of course, were always encouraging, but my parents NEVER did our homework - instead they made us sit at the kitchen table until we figured it out, and wouldn't give us a "medal" just for showing up ... only if we actually WON and worked our ASSES off for it.

Participatory medals teach kids that just by showing up to class or just by showing up for life people will tell you that you are wonderful and we should all appreciate you.

Newsflash: People. Are. Insular. Beings. AND. DO. NOT. CARE. ABOUT. YOU.

I've documented over 103 dates in 9 months and have taken public transportation in Los Angeles for over 500 days, and all that I have learned is that we are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS in our own heads and to develop this psyche from the womb that people will embrace you merely for existing is a FARCE!!!

GET. OFF. YOUR. FUCKING. ASS. AND WORK.

No one handed me this brand. I work TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY SEVEN DAYS A WEEK for the last 2.5 years launching this baby and all of our extended properties. I hustle hard ... so hard ... and my own reward for said hustle is the fact that I can close my eyes at the end of the day and feel rewarded because I am speaking my own personal truth and KNOWING so through and through that today, I did my best.

By "doing what you are told" and by "showing up for life" you will ALWAYS be mediocre. People NEVER do great things by playing by the rules - to be great one must CREATE their own rules.

Think outside the box, challenge your current state of consciousness by doing things that you are afraid of, and no matter what - don't EVER expect people to hand you things. Keep your head low, work really hard, and be INCREDIBLY kind, and humble. Then, and ONLY THEN, will amazing things happen.

Rock on nerds ... you deserve it.

#nerdsunite

Words of Wisdom with @Jesus_m_christ

#Nerdsunite: Confessions of a Videogame Journalist

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy John. We started talking on the twitter not too long ago, and then he reached out and asked if he could write for us regarding his journey through the nerdy realm. I was all DUDDEEE!! That's so raaaddd!! And now, here we are. Like right now, in real time, this is happening. Pretty cool huh? HIT IT JOHN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JohnSollitto

Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks, right? I won’t talk about E3 so much but I will direct you to my site where you can see all the awesome stuff that my team has worked on! Let me just say that it was successful all around and absolutely a blast. I got to do some AWESOME stuff and feel what it’s like to finally be a professional, met some awesome people and even got to interview my hero in the industry, Adam Sessler! It was fantastic.

HOWEVER, not all was candy and roses. One of the most controversial things to happen at E3 was the backlash from the Tomb Raider game demo. Lara Croft was assaulted, physically and sexually in the, whom she promptly blows the head off of. I mean she takes a pistol to this guy’s forehead and knocks his skull open. Boom.

Now, in the demo, Lara is not raped, but she is indeed close to being raped and many people were upset about this. Rightly so, that’s a little intense for a video game, especially when it’s your character almost being raped. It was a little unsettling. I was surprised at the amount of times rape was bandied about in L.A. Noir but that’s a cop game and honestly that happens a lot so they went for realism and delivered.

Players and fans were upset because they felt it turned Lara into a hardened adventurer into a helpless girl. The aim was to make Lara someone you wanted to protect but they ended up alienating and offending a lot more people.

After E3 there was also some talk of eliminating the “booth babes.” I’m honestly not sure where the article was or where I saw it but I think it was somewhere on Twitter. Regardless, the idea behind doing this was to change the mentality behind E3. Instead of trying to use sex to sell games, some believe that the games themselves should be the main focus. Obviously, right? Also, it’s very male-centric to thinking that only men go to E3 and “booth babes” are all they need to get them interested in their product. When now more than like 40% of the market is female, obviously it would be better to make the expo less misogynistic.

Let’s take a look at girls who are “slutshamed” or badgered for just being women in the gaming world. How effed up is that? I mean, it’s so terrible to believe that only men can enjoy gaming and that a woman is lying if she has any interest in gaming. Honestly, this is why gamers are looked down on as narrow-minded fools.

The amount of women I’ve met who play games is rather large, and not just play but enjoy and are enthusiastic about gaming. I mean, if you were at E3 this year, good gosh there were so many people there of all races and gender it was amazing! It was so heartwarming to see that. I mean, look at how many women actually work in the industry and make games!

What with female characters in games so overly voluptuous and sexy and the male characters so manly and ripped, it’s no wonder that the community grew up the way it did. I’m ashamed to say that it makes sense. But this is a new time and a new generation. Games are better graphically and plot-wise. Sometimes they’re even better games. But looking around, games are still carrying the same social messages and stigmas. Only recently have they been showing same-gender relationships that aren’t hot girl-on-girl porn. I think it’s time to equally represent men and women in games and in the gaming community so that we can advance as a culture.

I’m not saying that if games and gaming society suddenly changed that society would drastically as well, but I definitely think that a lot of people would think differently and it would be a step in the right direction.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Pursue with Courage (one nerd's journey through chemo & cancer)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Serena. She was one of my only friends growing up as we were play buddies at the lake in NH and I found out via Facebook while I was en route to a conference that Serena has cancer. She is here today to talk about her side of things and the journey this disease is taking her on. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT SERENA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Serena Neff

“There are people I’d like to settle into a drink with.  Not for the sole reason of getting drunk, but for the ritual of lubricating someone’s personality.”  ~Dave Matthews

There is an elephant in the room!  I repeat, there is an elephant.  Hello?  Anyone?  Anyone?  We’ll come back to that!

Tomorrow is a pretty big day: I finally meet with my oncologist.  We set up “a plan” or something like that.  Because we’re not done.  It seems we’re never done.

On Monday, I got my drain out, which was an I-want-to-barf-full-sweat-hot-mess kind of situation this time around (sexy?).  It was jammed in there, said the physician’s assistant, which it just code for, sorry but this is going to fucking hurt.

It fucking hurt.

I am going to share with you what she said to me, because… I can; I love you but you need to be with me and hear this one, if I was subjected to it, so can you be: pulling the tube out will feel the way a slimy pasta noodle feels when you swallow it halfway and then pull it out.  Sean was there, he heard it too.  Maybe don’t tell patients that.  That’s just gross.  Pasta may be ruined for me (wait, was that the point all along?  Pasta is in the bad carb category that can be associated with cancers; ah but wait there again, just about everything is blamed for or associated with cancer; no win here, it’s all circles now).  I’m a “1-2-3 but pull on 1″ kind of person (you know, keep counting so I don’t know what’s going on and my brain is still just following the numbers even as the pain sets in).

Well, anyway, it was at least out.  No results yet.  Would I like to set up genetic counseling?  Sure, why not.  I’m a scientist, I’m curious, I’d like to know more and help the scientific community.  And I’ve got some free time right now (I’m still on leave from work as we sort all of this out).  Let’s find out if I’m in the 10% of breast cancer patients that have the gene.  Because I’m so young, I’m eligible for counseling.  Cool?  I guess.  Yay, science, yay, research patient.

The elephant is this: this isn’t me but it’s totally me!  Do you get it?!  You don’t yet.  You shouldn’t yet.  It’s like a jedi mind trick or a fortune cookie from Yoda or a Confucious says sort of thing.  Let me explain.

I’ve gotten lots of feedback from so many people about my blog, it has been truly amazing.  I set this up so that you all have to make the choice to come here and learn more.  I will not put my shit on anyone.  But you can join me in the shit if you’d like (I do have a fondness for shit, don’t I?!).  I’m happy to have you!  And all are welcome.

One of the greatest things I’ve heard though is how stunned and/or surprised–maybe a better word?–many of you all are that I am 1) actually writing this and telling you everything and 2) that even though most of it is hard, it’s actually kind of funny and interesting and maybe even exciting to read.  Folks, I love you, I love…. that.

This is who I have always been but I never wanted you to know, and unless you were on the inner circle you couldn’t know (don’t worry, there’s only like five people on the inner circle and don’t go fretting about and racking your brain wondering if you’re one of the five because I totally made that number up; it’s arbitrary but it sounded good).  I am locked up tight, in my shell, quite like a… hermit crab!  (I do believe Catie, Carter and Jill titled me that while working at Ocean Institute).  I do not share my business or personal life with but a few.  Now, we’re talking in depth about my BOOBS!  Yeah, folks, we’re still talking about boobs!  Boobs boobs boobs.  All day.  Implants, sizes, cancerous ones, silicone or saline.  We’re talking about blood and IVs, armpits, drugs, all sorts of lovely shit that has become my current life focus.

THAT’S THE ELEPHANT!

I know how I may seem to most, a bit mysterious, hard to crack, a tough little shit, thoughtful, judging, etc and I am but, obviously, there’s another side, there’s more.  I know everyone sees me slightly differently and uniquely each to themselves but some of those previously mentioned traits may be or should be on your list.  We’re all like onions really, lots and lots of layers.  In that, I am am no different than anyone else.  I just happened to be the case of the extremes: I’ve chosen to do a personality 180 (ok ok, more like a 110) and word vomit you with my great breast tissue issues.  It’s liberating, that’s why I do it.  And it’s also something more.

When you (ok, yeah, me, when I…) are given the news of “you have cancer” (without spending time talking out the facts and details and treatment options and plan), and you just hear that, your mind instantly goes into end-of-the-world overload and covers your highest priority topics.  For me that was:

1) I don’t get to have a family.  (Or get married, travel the world and live my life out) and

2) Have I lived as the person I wanted to be up to this point?  Have I let people in?  Have I shared?  Have I allowed myself to be supported?

Mostly, have I let people know who I really am?

One thing I’ve always struggled with is feeling misunderstood.  There’s a shit-ton more going on in my head than I ever express and I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts properly.  Plus, who really wants to hear my shit?  We’ve all got our own shit too and quite frankly, I like to use our time together to figure you out and not the other way around (hey, I’m a psych minor, I’m always trying to figure people out)!  Here, I have the time to think it, write it, read it and edit it.  And even go back and fix it.  Like twelve times if necessary.  Or just leave it and say fuck it.  Maybe don’t let children read this.  I do curse a lot.

Before we all fall apart, I want you to know that I do not have any current plans to die anytime in the near future.  As you know, I’ve got shit to do!  I’ve since had many chats with Doctors–factoring in the importance of having a family–and surgeries–getting rid of the bad stuff as much as possible–and I know that I have time, time to do all or most of those things in number one and tell you about me for number two (no poop jokes, uh, sorry, that was uncharacteristic of me; no SHIT jokes).

Blogging in this format is ironic to me because it is such a thing of our generation, it’s what we d0, but it sure aint what I do.  We network, we chat, we are whiz kids on computers.  I can check on 50 friends on any given day and see wassup via F-book.  Information flows like crazy in our world.  We’re spoiled in this (I still admire the power and old school connections found in snail mail and sharing actual books, wondering how many people before me handled the letter or the book and where these items traveled… every piece could tell its own story and it allows humans to remember the importance of physical connection, of touch, even if they are not aware that it’s happening).  In this belief, blogging my life story to people I know and interact with daily isn’t something I would ever fathom to do under normal conditions; it’s too… vulnerable.

But, like I said, it’s liberating.  To cast the net, hold my breath and see what comes up has been energizing, lifting, wonderful.  You’re all out there.  So many of you said such kind words and helpful things, sent me books with answers and flowers that make me happy.  You’re all taking this shitty journey with me (and it’s actually not really that shitty anymore since we packed the party bus full of friends, music and booze!).  You have elevated my mood and kept my head above water.  When I’m gearing up for yet another Doctors visit and writing out all my 20 questions, you’re all in the back of my head (and actually quite literally on my phone, computer, street, town, state, doorstep, local bar, state of birth, boat, my mom’s phone, etc) as a captive audience waiting for me to just come back and tell you, that yes, yes, I’m still here and I’m still a feisty shit sticking around to not only kick some cancer ass but to also work on that long ass to-do list that includes family, marriage, career, LIFE!  Shit.  Sheeeeiiiit.  :)

I started this in part too because: I was exhausted from saying the same story over and over; it’s an awkward topic that you lovely souls may have a hard time hearing about and conjuring words that would magically make the bad cancer cells go away; and I wanted it, I needed it, to be my story from my mouth.

And so it is.

After my drain removal and no pathology reports to be shared from my mastectomy, I was mentally starting to plan for tomorrow’s visit to the oncologist.  Thankfully, Dorien, the Physician’s Assistant, called Tuesday to say that the pathology reports were in and she wanted me to be even more prepared for Friday with questions based on these results.

Oh, the results?

I will level with you: they are OK but not great.  They took every bit of breast tissue out of there (I think, but I will ask tomorrow for sure) and they got almost all clear margins.  Almost.  Fucking almost.  Except on one area where the Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) went–within the duct (pretty sure totally within, not on the outside of the duct, gotta ask)–all the way to the end or edge or margin (the cut/removed tissue from mastectomy surgery).  This means that there was not a section of cancer-free cells that they could definitely say, yes, we got it, because we have a clean margin free of evil and corruption.

In my scientific theory, if you took all my breast tissue then what’s left for DCIS to spread too?  Did the semi-evil cells (invasive cells are full evil, they did not find those on the margins thankfully) get to the end and look at each other, shrug and say “fuck, we’re outta pipeline, we’re done burrowing here lets go infect new tubes”, then, “OH SHIT, THE SURGICAL KNIFE, WE’RE DONE FOR!”  My cancer for sure has personality and spunk (it is my cancer after all).

I still don’t quite know how DCIS becomes invasive or how all that works and if DCIS can jump ship, reconfigure it’s DNA and say, “let’s go F up her pec muscle or do a quick change to pure evil and pick a new organ to harass and infest” (you know, you know, more questions for tomorrow!).  I don’t even know if the Doctors have all the answers.  But I think they have a plan (or many plans with lots of statistics and I, yet again, get to… HAVE to… choose something; I choose “don’t die,” to me, that’s simple; stop asking for more complicated decisions).

And from that section you can see how eloquently I take complicated biology information and make it user friendly, voices and personalities and all, as an interpreter and naturalist!

**Disclaimer: I am a marine biologist who deals in whales; not at all as a medical doctor and/or oncologist.

AKA: I am constantly trying to understand this myself and then try to regurgitate it for you.  Oh, the reading!

Well, folks, I imagine that quote at the beginning sounds real good right about now: time to settle into a drink and lubricate some personalities.  We’re deep complicated people (unless your shallow and simple) and that’s what makes being Homo sapiens so fun!  Thank you for supporting me in all of this.  Reading is supporting.  Sharing is supporting.  I’ve realized as a writer (there, I said it, it’s scary but I said it) it is very important to have not just an audience but an engaged one.  And I see it when you leave comments or Like it on Facebook or re-post the link or just visit the page (I have site stats!  3,800 clicks to this site; and Mom and Ash, I know you both clicked it like 400 of those times, so, thanks!).

To conclude, I want to specifically thank my Godparents Carol and Craig.  Ethan and I went to your Makawao church today, Craig, it’s beautiful and with amazing views (we even saw your name on the placard!).  And Carol, especially, shows to me how God may be hiding in the details too, in His ironies: Carol and Craig lived on Maui multiple times because they fell in love with each other there and with the beauty of the islands… I now live there (here, actually, for me) and found my love there (Scupper!  Just kidding, Sean Michael Sultan ;0)… a few years ago Carol went through–began–her battle with breast cancer (double mastectomy, bonus points for the double, auntie, it hurts enough with just one!) and is now a survivor (with an imaginable many check ups that followed and continue to follow)… and now I am battling my cancer and planning my survivorship.

I know I know, I already am a survivor, kinda!  No Beyonce songs, please.

“Run your fingers through my soul.  For once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine and for once, just once, understand.”

#nerdsunite

click here to check out Serena's blog. Very powerful stuff.