#RealDeal: We accept the love we think we deserve

"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Fact: I have become obsessed with that quote. 

I first heard it in the trailer for Perks of Being a Wallflower, and obviously posted on it ... because that is what I do ... the simplicity of it though is the EPITOME of my current dating situation. 

So, I did the 103 dates in 9 months (accidentally) using the OKC algorithm and an 85% unpublished compatibility prerequisite, and all I discovered was that even using MATH I was attracted to emotionally unavailable guys. (The root of that meaning that they were all either just getting out of a relationship, or not looking to be in one in general.) 

My goal in dating so much was to break my pattern of dating douches and all I discovered was that I was the douche!!! 

I then started seeing a Modern Day Shaman, and he began opening my heart up again. 

Flash forward to April of this year, and who comes back into my life? Romeo, aka my first love.

I've always had feelings for him, but we fight like cats and dogs so we tend to drift in and out of each other's lives until one of us decides enough has been enough. 

Because I had been seeing the Shaman and because he was literally prying my heart open in an attempt to be more warm and loving, I genuinely genuinely thought he was responding to my change in energy. 

We met up, and a few days later I had invited him to our live stage show in Hollywood. 

He knew I was doing things with this site, but it's totally different to get to see how big all of it is in person, and see the audience and reactions - its kinda awesome, and I wanted to show him what I had been doing while we hadn't been talking. 

I remember telling my roomie at the time to look out for him in the audience (I showed her a picture of him) and to have her text me when he arrived letting me know he was here.

Less than a minute before I went on stage to do the opening monologue I text her. 

Is he here??????????????? I asked with 10 or more question marks. 

No, she replied with a frowny face. 

My eyes immediately began to well up with tears. 

I told him how much this meant to me, I told him ... why didn't he show up?? 

I then hear my name being called by the theater director.

I slap my face lightly. 

Snap out of it Friel. Showtime. I say to myself. 

I walked out on stage ... the brisk pace of my walk dried my eyes as I held the microphone. 

The show had been one of our best ones to date. I kept myself composed the entire time. 

<tangent> being an ice queen has its value in times of extreme emotion. i can immediately compartmentalize to make sure everything that i need to do still gets done. </tangent>

At the after party, I sent him a text letting him know where we were. (It was just next door.) 

I was still hopeful at this point that he would still show up, however I was deeply, deeply hurt. 

An hour later he texts me letting me know he had a bad day and was at a bar on Melrose. 

At that point, I had been drinking for a few hours so my response was simple and extremely curt. 
"Be. Here. Now." 
30 minutes later he arrived. 

We then talked, and he even spent the night. Romeo and I had been friends for 8 years at that point, but something in him changed greatly ... or more certainly it was I that changed. 

This person I once respected was so broken and such a DICK!!!! 

I knew based on my work with the shaman that I had to tell him my personal truth about how much I've always loved him despite us never being able to formally "date" - but his response to my letter made it all so much easier. 

THIS GUY IS SUCCHHHHHH ANNNNN ASSSSSSSSSSSHHHOOOOOLLLLLEEEEE!! 

Like, I love him. I'll always always always love him - but it was fucking HILARIOUS how easy he made all of it. 

We then had our "goodbye call" where I vehemently put a line in the sand and said no more. 

What did he do? 

A few weeks later text me testing the boundary. 

I kindly texted him back indicating how much I would always care for him but that we were definitely more than done and I didn't want to hear from him in the near future. 

Clearly the relationship had become parasitic and one of us had to end it. Even as a friendship ... as an anything ... we have chemistry there is obvi no denying it - but you have to learn when in life to walk away and when something GENUINELY isn't working. 

I would DIE before I let a guy treat me the way he was treating me. 

About a month later was Comic Con, and I was absolutely swept off my feet.

It was funny, a few times he kept asking me over and over if I was still involved with someone. I laughed every.single.time. saying genuinely for the first time ever - no. 

Romeo was always my biggest regret. I see now that if we had gotten together I wouldn't be here now with this website, but he meant a lot to me. Now to be faced with who he genuinely was as a person versus the reflection and idea of him ... I couldn't have been more turned off. 

Again, the love is always there. If he's ever stranded in a third world country I'd bail his ass out - but I'd absolutely never date him again. 

Either way, this person and I then got involved and on the emotional detachment level I had DEFINITELY met my match. 

This person was extremely, extremely closed off and pushed me away before we even had our first date. 

He's extremely confident but kept telling me that I was destined for more than he could ever offer and he didn't want to get hurt. 

I of course laughed, thinking this guy is fucking nuts. 

We then had a lovely courtship, but then one very very big rejection. 

He said he couldn't see me anymore, and we decided mutually to end with a lunch. 

That, of course, was just HOURS after the best worst Vegas trip of my life - but shortly after lunch I ALSO had another live show. 

I would like you to be there, I said as he stood by his car. 

No, he replied back. I have seen you enough today, I can't see your show he said. 

(He also refused to read the site instead having an employee or someone read it for him translating back what was being said.) 

I was heartbroken, again, but realized that I didn't want to push my luck, I was happy to have him back in my life in any regard. 

Now it has been over a month since we have seen each other and the conversations are becoming more and more distant and I am starting to feel like I am living in the "possibility" of something versuses being blissfully aware and grounded in the reality of everything. 

Why do I believe I am deserving of this shitty, shitty, love from guys? 

It's MIND BOGGLING how much I am willing to stand from guys out of what I call "loyalty." 

It's not freaking loyalty - it's GLUTTONY!! I'm a glutton for punishment with a penchant for pricks!!

FTR, it's not the dudes, it's MY tolerance of the scenario. 

I've genuinely reached a point in my life where I realize the best thing you can ever do for someone is to give them freedom to just be themselves, but this is bullshit man. Emotions and physical response to a person are so seemingly intangible yet THROUGH AND THROUGH I keep being presented with this pattern. 

Being conscious of it is definitely a sign that I am on a path to moving on, but it's so hard over and over opening yourself up to people only to find out they are just as closed off as you are. 

Albeit the last guy DID open my heart up a lot (the shaman even confirmed) - so I guess it's all still "the journey is the destination." 

Is self work ever done?? I mean really????

Excuse me, but now I just got invited to the Playboy Halloween Party, and I have to go invite a date. (total first, btw!! I've NEVER wanted to bring a date to a playboy party)  

Fall off the horse, get yo' butt right back up!!! 

I might not know where I am on my journey, but THAT I know to be true. 

AND - never invite a guy I'm dating to our live show. Clearly it never ends well. 

#kthxbye

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#NerdsUnite: Life after being able to spell entrepreneur

So, you're an entrepreneur, eh? Did it take you 100 spell checks to actually get the spelling right? 

Me too. 

In the emerging media, digital realm, being an "entrepreneur" has become the newest and sexiest thing a person can be.

Especially, btw, being a female. I can't TELL you how fast the eyebrows raise when I tell dudes at a bar that I run a website. Best. Pick. Up. Line. Ever. (and yes women need them too sometimes)

WINNING!! 

Either way, the cultural ignorance aside, can we please just talk about the emotional effects of being an entrepreneur? For reals - this shit ain't easy man. From the self discipline, to blinders you have to place on friends and family explaining to them "I just have to do this" ... none of this is easy.

I have been running this site now (boot strapping) for just shy of three years. In that time, I have slept in chairs, couches, airports, cars, showered in random peoples' homes, public bathrooms, eaten beef jerky for 30 days, eaten basically I could afford or barter, traveled all around the country being stranded MULTIPLE times - from the outside looking in, it sounds nuts and obviously SUPER adventurous. What I don't admit every day is that I am BAT SHIT scared out of my mind.

I genuinely never knew while I was bartering social media to live where my next meal was going to come from, or if I was even going to survive doing it. I just knew in my heart, and I knew in my soul that after spending 24 years in a massive, massive depression I was doing life wrong and that this crazy little adventure made me happy for the first time in my life. 

I've made a series of mistakes along the way, I've had multiple failures, but every.single.time. I got up in the morning and every.single.time. I said, okay, this isn't working - but what about this? It was only through a series of contstant trials and errors that things started to make sense, my voice started to emerge, and a business was then born. Even if you have a gnarly idea or concept, until you've got the figures and traffic to back it up it will always just remain a "good idea." 

The entire scene is maddening - not sexy. 

Right now, I am in the process of raising capital. The last week (and even all day yesterday) I've been meeting with strategic and private investors. See, the next move for this brand is going to be massive. I have this concept I've wanted to do for a while, that now after building out the team and building out the brand relationships it is ABSOLUTELY possible. To grow, I need more people; there is only so much you can grow with having 86,400 seconds in the day and remaining conscious about not burning out. 

I now spend a quarter of my day writing, a quarter of my day sending proposals to new sponsors, a quarter with investors, and a quarter still explaining to my parents what it is that I do. 

I can't express my gratitude to you all enough though. I even said in one of the meetings last night that I literally wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you guys. I'd still be writing, I'd still need for my soul this outlet, but the fact that you guys read us allowed this to become a business. You guys grew this brand!! Not me!! I could only place it in social media and hope and pray that it would go somewhere - it was all of you that talked about it, RTed, shared, told your friends. 

I am scared ... so scared ... every day - but this. girl. is. on. fire. and it's time for shit to get done. 

Pro tip: Turn off that little voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough, that you're not worthy and JUST.KEEP.ROCKING.IT!!! If you don't believe in you, there is NO way an investor, or potential business partner ever will. Everything.starts.with.you. Remember that. 

Thanks nerds, 

I love you so long time it hurts. 

But for reals though, please stop squeezing me. It hurts. 

Oh yeah and ... 

click the screenshot to comment on Facebook

xoxo <3 @JenFriel

#NerdsUnite: The Ramblings of a Raconteus (This is How We Do It)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Helenna. We met on twitter not too long ao, and she's totes mcgotes one rad chiquita banana with a flare for all things flair! That's right, Helenna here is what we call an artsy fartsy nerd. She's a poet, into all things dramatic arts, and she's going to come on board to write each week about her love of said drama. Well not like actual drama drama, like some cat fight shit - but you get the idea. I only have one thing left to say ... HIT IT HELENNA!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Helslevy

In last week’s post I posed the question “What the heck am I doing?”  This was meant to be both serious, and tongue in cheek helping to open a door to a discussion about the craziness of the entertainment business.  

I had asked for people to chime in and share what helps them stay focused on “the goal” when that goal seems very very far away perhaps in another galaxy entirely due to different factors like exhaustion, disappointment, general malaise with where one is in their career, or maybe because life is taking you in another direction entirely, but you aren’t sure which path to follow.  

In order to thrive, it’s all about always coming at things with a renewed focus and energy, and recommitting oneself every single day.  

Below is some of the great feedback I received: 

Dani: “I have on many occasions felt this way. The turning point for me was to remember that I LOVE what I do. It’s frustrating, but I love it. I remember to continue to have faith and that I put out what I get back. Blah, blah, blah very cliché positive Universe crap, but it does help me get back on track. Trying to be positive is a daily struggle but I do find that when I am throwing positive vibes out there I get auditions, interviews & bookings. Keep on fighting! It’s worth it. You know making your own projects and producing them gives you that power, channeling that amazing CEO quality. As for the clock ticking, I figured there are nannies, my mother in law to help with the children when life gets busy with auditions and filming. There are trainers to whip my butt into filming shape.”

Jackie: “For me, at the point in my life and in my career… “recommitting” each day usually involves me working out in some way. When I’m struggling through some difficult exercise, it reminds me of the challenges in my life and I feel motivated because, difficult or not, I’m doing it. Even on the days where all I do is take a walk, I take time to reflect and check in with myself.”

Kristen:  ”I feel this exact way from time to time. However, you asked how I keep up my momentum and I’ll tell you…

I agree with you that we folks who have the steam to power through day in and day out in this industry would *easily* make a huge impact in/running any other business of our choosing… and that is personally how I stay sane. 

I graduated college with a degree in art and a minor in acting. Talk about double whammy! I lasted about 9 months (of constant rejection and being told I was “really good” but not booking work) before I decided to make a shift. This life of creativity was great, but what was its purpose and where was I going… besides insane? I was missing validation. As an Aries, we cannot survive without it!

So, I chose to not be a struggling artist and I got a job in corporate America. I was still doing what I loved on the side, but that gave me time to grow my skills, talents and network of pals. Without the frustration of struggling for money or someone to love what I did. I had that at my day job. My job gave me the freedom and opportunity to move up the food chain and accomplish things as fast as I wanted to! I was an Art Director at age 25, worked my way up to managing people and huge projects (still do), etc. My resume isn’t the point here though, but I’m simply using my multi-faceted career as an example of how I allowed part of my time to be spent working in a capacity that would provide me with what I needed: validation. 

Validation that I kicked ass.

True, I grew out of the “office life” and working for another company, and now I work for myself doing freelance. The point is that I do think we all need to find an outlet outside this business that tends to our needs as people. Maybe it’s an animal shelter? Designing clothes? Setting up a charity? 

The truth is that the only time I am as depressed as you mention in your post is when I give up that world that keeps me steady and focus only on creation in art and entertainment. That’s when self-doubt sets in, rejection has a huge impact, and I constantly ask myself “am I good enough?” Just last week I had a nervous breakdown that forced me back to working with corporate clients… because they LOVE me, respect what I do, and provide me with constant validation that I have amazing skills and the ability to do great things. For the longest time I felt like that was “giving up,” but ya know what? I am even MORE productive as an artist because of it! That validation keeps me sane, feeling wanted, smart, talented, and it does wonders for my confidence and positive energy. I need all of that TO create! Plus it utilizes all of the things I am great at.

We can’t do much about the way this business is run. In entertainment, sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work… some people are just chosen to be here by others and that’s a reality. BUT if we follow simple “life rules” (ironically, life has no rules!) and our purpose remains to 1. have fun, 2. do what we love, and 3. provide a service to mankind, we ARE a success! I think we just need something extra on the side to keep us feeling like the rockstars we are.”

Amber: “I have definitely accomplished a lot this year (especially in the producing world) – and I have to admit I don’t have an accountability partner. I never really felt the need for one, as I check in with myself daily, if not hourly. I know that sounds extravagant, but it’s true. You should see my notepad on my iPhone. I also use workflowy.com to help my research and complete my daily, monthly and yearly goals. If it gets too overwhelming I give myself 24 hours to get away from it, feel sorry for myself, complain, or go to the beach, whatever I need to do, then the next morning I attack the to do list with a new fire. I am fortunate enough to have created a day job that I love (editing, over at editmonster.net), so I don’t hate life every day like I did when I was working at a 5 star hotel. Maybe it’s a first born child thing? I just figure out 3-6 things to take care of, sort them in to priority, do the smallest thing first, and then reward myself for completing all 6 tasks. If I have a monthly goal that doesn’t get completed, it becomes a daily goal the following month until it gets done. My first quarter was shaky and more unfocused, but by the end of the year I know exactly what I need more of.” 

Victoria: “So timely for so many of us. I’m definitely not in the age group that you refer to, I’m older but I definitely see myself in your article over and over again. It is about starting new every day, loving this life of entertainment, even though it’s all about uncertainty. The doubt comes in, the fear of “wasting our lives for something that may never happen” phobia, but also the excitement and the belief that we are in it for the long haul, because WE LOVE IT! This life, entertaining, being a part of an industry that we can use our imagination, etc. etc. etc. is something that I can’t imagine my life without. So we find our way, and keep redefining it as we go. Fall down, get back up, and get stronger in the process. Anyway, I ramble, but thanks for this article. I loved it.”

AJ: “Step 1: Get connected with your vision. What it is that you want? In the next week? Month? Year? For your life?

Step 2: Write it all down in the form of declaration. (ex: I am committed to revamping my actor website by November 1st)

Step 3: Wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and commit to what you will create that day. (ex: I commit to going to the gym by 11AM and reading a script by 3PM)

Making it happen will also strengthen your relationship with your word. Which will in turn increase the likelihood of sticking to your commitments.

I find reconnecting to my vision so powerful. THAT is what motivates me. …and if for some reason that’s not working… The other amazing tool is to “FOCUS OUT”. If you need a to be inspired, reminded why you’re here, reminded why you’re doing the things you’re doing… give it away, be generous, focus out on others instead of yourself. Volunteer, call a family member or friend you haven’t spoken with in a while, create something beautiful for someone and give it away, smile at strangers, the list goes on and on.”

Thank you again to everyone for their fantastic feedback!  

For me I’ve found that it’s all about keeping my eye on the horizon and putting one foot forward and then the other.  Sometimes the path is simple and clear, and other times I can barely see the horizon for the trees, but I know it’s there.  And after all, it’s all about the journey.  Sometimes even though those trees seem to be in my way all sinister and mean and laughing at me with a Tim Burton grin, they are actually a fun labyrinth-esque obstacle keeping me on my toes, making me appreciate the odyssey that much more.  

Until next time,

#xoxo hels

tweet me at: @helslevy

browse me at: helennasantoslevy.com

email me at: contacthelenna@gmail.com

Weird Al Says: #WTF?!

Every Chili’s restaurant has one picture hanging upside-down inside and it’s a challenge for the customers to find it.

This has been a moment of ... WTF?! 

#NerdsUnite: Finding Strength and Self-Worth

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

When I wrote my fuck you piece I wasn't sure what was going to come from it. Then at the end I realized so many truths about myself. I realized how far I still had to go and how many things I repress. I sometimes delude myself into thinking everybody experiences life the same way as me but I'm discovering more and more everyday how unique we all are. I'm realizing that my path is entirely my own and that owning it and living my own truth takes strength and that real growth comes with a fair amount of discomfort.

I know that I seek validation and I seek it a lot. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm asking for advice but really I'm looking for people to validate my decisions. Having understood that more, I feel I made some big steps this week. One of those was super hard.

Six months ago I started my first business. I have been fortunate enough to partner with a brilliant serial entrepreneur who has a number of substantial successes under her belt. Like most of the brilliant people I've known in my life her intelligence comes with quirks. Our relationship had reached a breaking point. There were many times where I repressed how I really felt and was left to dwell in my discontent internally. This frustration mounted and I had started on a predictable path. I slowly pulled away, I stopped working as hard and started venting my frustration in other ways. I would snap at her or I would take extra time getting ready in the morning to intentionally arrive late, because I wanted her to feel the irritation that I felt. And although the way I dealt with my feelings was childish, the reasons I was unhappy were perfectly legit. So I wrote a letter to my partner and said everything I was feeling.

There is no doubt that being an entrepreneur forces you to be a stronger person. It pokes at your weaknesses until it punctures you and you either mend yourself and become stronger, or flee. My weakness was that I didn't stand up for myself enough and it came from a lack of self-worth. I almost ran. In my letter to my partner I said I was willing to run, and after thinking about it more I realized that I had to fix some things about myself first. It wasn't time to run yet. During our meeting that followed the tears welled in my eyes as I did what I rarely do, I stood up for my values and put myself first. I know that true growth will come with consistency and I think I'm ready to grow into someone who doesn't place their values at the wayside of others, but rather someone who holds strong in their priorities and through that strength is able to find synergy with the world.

In another big step, I yolo'd hard this week. When I started working at a hostel in Venice I thought the job would be a dream but unfortunately I was mistaken. This place exploits its employees and the owner is a dick. There are upsides like being right on the beach in Venice and the staff, but I rarely get to hang with the guests because I'm always working fucked up graveyard shifts that jack my sleep schedule and leave me constantly exhausted. It's also frustrating when the girl I was making serious headway with goes to bed with another guy because I wasn't able to hang and close the deal. It's happened more times than I can count.

So I've been passively looking for other opportunities and then at 2am during another graveyard shift the beautiful twitterverse provided some love. If you've read Jen's piece "I just checked into an orgy on Foursquare" then you may know who Dr. Suzy is. She's a Yale doctorate and sex therapist that’s appeared on HBO's Real Sex series and a number of other reputable media outlets. She was looking for a live-in editorial assistant. This job would entail me living in her 14,000 sq ft loft and writing content for a number of different channels. But the fun part is that every Saturday she has a live show that talks about everything from squirting to transgenderism. I would be at the show taking notes and prepping content for her and getting to enjoy the wild after parties that ensue.

As part of my growth I knew I needed to react on the guttural elation that struck me when I read the ad. So that night I wrote an extensive letter selling myself as the perfect fit that I knew I was. I trusted myself and went for it which was a big step for me.

I was excited to hear back the next evening that they wanted to interview me. I arrived the next night to her downtown speakeasy, as she calls it, and was greeted by a pretty little blond in her thong and push up bra. She escorted me to the bar and asked me to wait. As I sat there I looked around at the penises in every medium imaginable that lined the loft, there was a blow up pool in the middle of a living room area, a Sybian, and an 8 foot cross equipped with leather shackles. My excitement grew. I made it through the preliminary interview and headed for Dr. Suzy's office. I sat and she explained how private this place actually was and that six nights out of the week there was practically no one there except the staff. She continued to explain how special Saturday was to them and then nonchalantly stated that every once in a while they have an orgy. My excitement grew again. I left the interview feeling pretty confident that I'd make it to the next round and I did. The best part was that the Yalie picked me because of my writing. This compliment was a little surreal.

I arrived back at the speakeasy Saturday to take notes during their Domination Nation episode of the Dr. Suzy Show. Three professionals from The Dominion showed up-one domme, one submissive, one switch-as well as a porn star couple. The show proceeded and I watched as the sub was spanked and caned to her fulfillment. Her ass was tomato red by the time she was dragged to the cross by her collar and the shackles were placed around her wrists and ankles. The pornstar couple took the stage and received a lesson in spanking that ended in them exchanging oral sex. All this happened while the submissive squealed in happiness as she was flogged and slapped on the cross. It was unfortunate that I had to leave back to Venice to finish a shift at the hostel. I'm still awaiting confirmation that I got the job, but I'm optimistic.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com