<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Derek - I met him when I was professor for a day at CSF. Really rad dude, and he wants to come on board to help explain to us nerdy folk the wild world of sports. Smart dude, and knows his shizzy shiznat. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT DEREK!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DerekJ_AllDay
Welcome back for part two of my fantasy football breakdown! Search the site using my twitter handle @DerekJ_AllDay to find all my posts including part 1. This post will cover rounds 6-10, and part 3 will be 11-16. Due to how difficult it is to create these rankings I am adding a third post.
It’s always really fun to draft for the first five rounds, but it is also really easy to make good choices early on. Championship teams are created by the production they drafted in the later rounds. That is why researching rounds 6-16 is just as important as 1-5! So let us begin with round 6.
Round 6. #51 (46) Marques Colston WR, #52 (54) Stevan Ridley RB, #53 (55) Percy Harvin WR, #54 (48) Miles Austin WR, #55 (56) Antonio Gates TE, #56 (57) Dwayne Bowe WR, #57 (52) Johnathan Stewart RB, #58 (59) Jeremy Maclin WR, #59 (60) Steve Johnson WR, #60 (64) Philip Rivers QB
There is some serious value here, but some players have more risk than others. The first that comes to mind is Ridley, who has never been a starter before. He clearly has potential and the Patriots feel he can run the ball, but nobody really knows what he will do when game one comes. It is tough for Austin and Gates to stay healthy, but when they are on the field they can be the best at their positions.
Round 7. #61 (73) Matt Ryan QB, #62 (58) Shonn Greene RB, #63 (61) Vernon Davis TE, #64 (63) Denarius Thomas WR, #65 (65) Beanie Wells RB, #66 (68) Eric Decker WR, #67 (69) Jermichael Finley TE, #68 (66) Antonio Brown WR, #69 (64) Roy Helu RB, #70 (71) DeSean Jackson WR
You may notice that I tend to value quarterbacks highly, and for good reason. Everybody needs one strong QB. They get the most points and can carry your team at times, so I rank them highly. Obviously, if you already drafted a QB first round, you can ignore the QB rankings until you want a backup.
I flat out love the WR talent available in this round. Decker has a strong repertoire with Peyton already and DeSean Jackson is a lazy pro bowler that has something to prove this year. Antonio Brown is a great young talent that could take over the number one receiver role. Then, we see Finley at the TE position. Green Bay has a million options which can hurt sometimes, but in the case of Finley I believe it helps. Teams will forget about him sometimes and even as a TE he can make some big plays.
Round 8. #71 (67) Ben Tate RB, #72 (82) Deangelo Williams RB, #73 (70) Doug Martin RB, #74 (74) Robert Meachem WR, #75 (78) Torrey Smith WR, #76 (77) Pierre Garcon WR, #77 (79) Ben Roethlisberger QB, #78 (75) Michael Bush RB, #79 (76) CJ Spiller RB, #80 (80) Steve Smith WR.
At this point you are looking at a lot of backup RBs and some quality WR/TEs. De/St and K still hasn’t come into play
I can’t say I am particularly thrilled about these players, but you will find some valuable WRs here.
Aaron Hernandez really should be ranked higher, and now that I look back on it he may even be seventh round material. He plays “behind” Gronkowski, but the Pats often times line up with two TEs or give Gronk a breather. This gives Hernandez plenty of time to make catches and produce for a fantasy team. Once again, plenty of late WR talent.
Round 10. #91 (90) Toby Gerhart RB, #92 (92) Donald Brown RB, #93 (94) Michael Crabtree WR, #94 (93) Tony Gonzalez TE, #95 (95) David Wilson RB, #96 (98) Nate Washington WR, #97 (96) Kenny Britt WR, #98 (99) Jay Cutler QB, #99 (100) Robert Griffin III QB, #100 (97) Shane Vereen RB.
Late QB value here big time. RG3 might be the Cam Newton of last year and break out as a top fantasy performer, but he also might be a bust. Frankly, he won’t be Newton but he will definitely be better than many pure passers. RG3 runs quite a bit and that will give him those extra points he needs to be a great QB play.
Thanks for reading again guys! Tweet me @DerekJ_AllDay. Part 3 next week.
I'm not quite sure how it happened, or why - but somewhere along the way this year (I'm hoping it's only been since this year) I've stopped being happy.
It's one of those things that sneaks up on you btw without you even realizing it and through validation and lack of acceptance of your truth does it magnify.
I kept thinking over and over that if I just got to that next level professionally I would feel differently. Then, on Friday, I had what should have been one of the greatest nights of my life, but because I had no one to share it with - it hit me like a ton of bricks with how isolated and unhappy I am in my personal life.
I then woke up this morning with this COMPLETE head to toe SUUURRRRGGGGGGEEEEE of holy shit! holy shit! holy shit! I'm DELIRIOUSLY unhappy!!! THIS IS GREAT!!!
I then started jumping around on my bed and even on my run this morning - I just had this feeling of ... HONESTY ... that I haven't had in quite some time.
I then meditated on it a bit and discovered that I had intertwined my gratitude within my happiness. I will be GRATEFUL TIL.THE.DAY.I.DIE. for everyone reading this website, and for allowing me to share my passion with you all every day ... but psychologically speaking I figured if I did talk about it, or complain in any way it would be misinterpreted as a lack of appreciation for this gift that you all gave me.
Gratitude and happiness are two ENTIRELY different things all together!!! Being a word nerd, I then decided to wiki the actual meaning of the words ...
Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
Gratitude, thankfulness, gratefulness, or appreciation is a feeling, from the heart or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.
Look at that!! Happiness is a state of well being while gratitude is the thankfulness and appreciation. One comes from the heart, the other is a state of well being psychologically.
I will ALWAYS be grateful for this amazing gift, but my gratitude isn't contingent upon my own personal happiness.
Now that I've addressed what I'm feeling (the first step is always admitting there is a problem), I now have to identify my next doable actions.
My bliss resonates in ...
Volunteering. I love love love volunteering at this soup kitchen in Hollywood called Gett Love, yet I haven't been in MONTHS and I have no idea why. I LOVE sweeping a floor, doing mundane menial tasks, and seeing shiny happy faces knowing that today I actually made a difference in someone's life. Next doable action: contact the organizer and get on the schedule for this week.
Running. I need to make sure I run at least 5 times a week. Starting every morning off with 1.5 mile jog preps me for my day and keeps me more on my toes. I need to make sure I keep making this a priority. Next doable action: Went for a jog this morning!
Traveling. I need to figure out a way to work in my budget traveling at least once a month. I love love love getting out and exploring, yet I always make it dependent upon a sponsor - I need to change that. Next doable action: Identify the places I want to go.
Dancing. I've been dancing since I was two, yet I never dance anymore!! In my early 20s I used to go clubbing all the time so no matter what I would always end up on the dance floor ... now though, as I'm older and have literally NO interest in clubbing - I have lost my outlet of dance. That's NOT OKAY!!! Next doable action: Last weekend I met a new friend (who is a total roll dog, btw) and she is a professional dancer. I just texted her and asked for an adventure this weekend. She said she was game!!!
Sex. I haven't had sex in over a month, nor have I even been masturbating!! I don't know what happened to me that I literally just shut off everything for myself sexually. Exploring my body is SUPER important - I just also have to be cautious and monitor the casual nature of intercourse to make sure it's not creating a superficial connection. Next doable action: uh, me?
My journey in the last almost three years has taught me that everything in life is reflective. From the people that you are coming in contact with (even casually) to the friends you keep and the people you are dating - it's ALL rooted in you and what YOU are sending out to the universe.
How can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship or even have an intimate relationships with friends until I am resonating on that level myself???!?!!?!?!
Things are never, ever, just handed to you in life. You, first, have to show up to your own life and declare what you want followed by the next doable actions it takes to facilitate said desire.
My core issues right now resonate in intimacy. I can't be intimate though with anyone else until I'm first intimate with myself. How could I have EVER been intimate with myself until I was resonating on more of a truthful manner?
Again, I genuinely do believe upon reflection that it came from this appeasement I was sending to you all to not be misinterpreted as a lack of gratitude ... but now I'm saying FUCK THAT SHIT!! Hells to the eff yeah I'm grateful, but I'm not happy right now ... and that's NOT okay.
How can I be a good friend, lover, or sister unless I am honest with myself first and aware of what I am sending out to the universe (again everything is reflective). Life has to has to has to have a balance. In my case, I'm NEVER going to be truly happy professionally until I learn to balance things more with my personal life. I had theoretically what should have been the GREEEEAATTTEEEESSSTTTT night of my life and instead it was all ... nada. Literally I had one of the emptiest weekends I have had in a while. (It was peppered in with some very awesome moments and conversations, but mostly it was SOOOOO no bueno.)
I COULDN'T EVEN PLAY STREET FIGHTER!!!
I'm also SUPER excited with the timing on all of this because I'm taking this big leadership workshop next week. It's kind of like a secret society that you can only get into this place through knowing someone - but basically it takes "successful people" (in whatever the that means as again success is terribly personal) and pushes them to the next level. Literally it's a 5 day course and they warn you that there are loads of tissues for everyone.
I've obvi hit a lot of blocks in the last few months, but now it's time to breakthrough!!!! I've ALREADY become more truthful with myself, so a breakthrough is ABSSOLLUUTTEELLLLYYY going to be inevitable.
Dude, even on my orientation call with the peeps I was explaining to the guy that I had trouble with intimacy and he laughed saying, sweetie, you're going to make so many new friends here. We're all like you!!
Ah-maze-ing and AGAIN with the reflectiveness of life!!!! Because I am so willing to just LEAP to this next step all of these other things just keep showing up!!!
Onward and upward, nerderinos. God this honesty could not FEEL more amazing!!
Lessons learned:
1) Gratitude and happiness are two different things.
2) Happiness isn't contingent upon people or circumstances - only your own emotional state.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
It came yet again while I slept, I awoke to yet another Facebook thing. I tell you Facebook is the worst. There it was a single status, “I feel like the guy I like, doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do.” In that my world came crashing down. Obviously, that was not a line about me. I had lost and I sent her a message saying such. How could you keep me in tow when you were chasing someone. See I always thought we were vying for her affection. Turns out she had her heart set on this bartender. I told her I never had a chance, if she was chasing someone else. I left for work and got an Email later that day apologizing for her fault at not letting me know the whole situation better. That I really deserved to have been the victor. I was everything she should want in a guy, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I have taken to understanding that statement as... I’m fucking retarded. Trust me I have had many a girl tell me such. I tried staying friends with her via Facebook after that, but she would post pictures of her and him and it would crush me. This all came after my final trip to see her, where she had introduced me to Adele. Thus where this rant on Adele came from. She had also convinced me to help her win a Trip to a resort based on a love story. Which I had actually penned going so far as to detail how we got engaged as she had made it clear we would need to be to fool those in charge of the trip. So there I was heart-broken, beaten, and lost. With a fake narrative of how I could have won her as my wife. Over the next three months I put my life back together and saw another girl for a bit. My heart just wasn’t there and I stopped that before she got more attached. I vowed never to go back to Wichita again.
Just because my life always seems to throw me into things I guess it decided I had things I needed to resolve. I ended up winning a competition my work had thrown for best dish for a list of new menu items. I work for Carlos O’Kelly’s, a Mexican restaurant chain that started here in Kansas and as luck would have it is located officially in Wichita. OF COURSE!!!! Well I wanted to take a vacation and get away from all this crazy shit. I took off for LA to visit my friends out there and for Doll’s Birthday. I had Facebooked Ophelia a while back that I felt that I had gotten better and I wish we could re-start our friendship. Why throw away 10 years for no decent reason other than a failed romance. She had actually messaged Cherry to ask her opinion on the matter. At this point Cherry HATED her. She asked me what to say back. I told her it was cool and so she never answered. Which is a very Cherry thing to do. While I was in LA hanging out with Jen Friel at the Beanery I got a notification on my phone. She wanted to re-friend me on Facebook. Jen can tell you my whole countenance changed in an instant. I had no idea what to do and of course asked Jen her opinion. I re-friended her, why have that spoil a vacation. She had accompanied it with a short, “Hope we can be friends again and I miss you.” message. When I ran into Jason Bateman she commented on that as well. She was back in my life. My friends were not excited. I was rather confused as well to her sudden desire to be all buddy-buddy.
This happening of course in LA while I am with Doll, whom I was still attracted to as well. So that was burdensome. Doll was in a way the reason Simone and I broke up. While I was in LA the time before that, Simone’s jealousy of Doll was so intense that it nearly ruined that trip. I had at the time talked her down from that, only to have it flare up after the pictures of Jen, Doll, and some of my other LA friends hit Facebook. I am telling you when it comes to relationships, Facebook is destructive to me. It comes from my hatred of censoring my life. See I am a fiercely loyal man. You would never have to worry about me cheating on you even if the chance was there. Still I have a lot of very attractive friends. This plays to making a girl rather uncomfortable. Oh well the girl I’m looking for will trust me and I won’t ever give her a reason not to. Upon returning to Kansas I told her about my forced trip to Wichita for this commercial and she said she would like to meet up and catch up. Cautiously, I found myself driving back to that evil town to face the girl that had torn me to pieces in a vicious love game.
Next up part 7 - Falling For The 5th Time, #facepalm
Woah. Pardon me for a moment - I just got back from a super super super intense session with the Modern Day Shaman @realityadjacent. Brain is all over the place, and I'm going to be writing from an extremely honest place.
Even more honest than usual.
Truth: I'm very frustrated with my life.
There, I said it. Now let me explain why ...
So, I recently started working out of the incubator/ co-work space @iola and everythings been SO FREAKING GREAT here. I love love love the energy of the workspace, the people here are rad, I'm challenged intellectually and I'm able to juggle 75 things at once since there is SO much opportunity here.
On Friday, io hosted a #Tech4Obama event hosted by Hill Harper and Sharon Lawrence. I lead the team in both a physical sense (connecting the dots to make sure that bottom line shit got done) and in a technical sense implementing all of the social media components and then during the actual event monitoring the online reputation management in addition to engaging with the audience.
It was great!! The event went off super smoothly and to my UNBELIEVABLE delight we even got the hashtag to trend in Los Angeles.
Getting something to trend on twitter has been a personal life goal of mine since I started on the micro-blogging site in 2009. There is no "set" way to do it, since there is no algorithm ... rather (at least this used to be the case forgive me if things have changed) there are people that actually monitor the trends and manually push it out. Twitter strives to stay on the pulse and just because a lot of people are using a specific hashtag doesn't mean it's actually going to trend. You have to not only engineer it as much as you can from a social perspective but there is a level of just keeping your fingers crossed and pray that it gets pushed through.
Of course, you can buy a promoted trending tweet but when I last glanced at the rate card in 2011, the cost for a 24 hour promo ran over 100-120K and due to the demand there were rumors of it doubling. Twitter being such a popular site getting something to trend will get an ENORMOUS amount of eye balls and it is an ENORMOUS feat if you are able to accomplish it organically.
I literally teared up when I saw that I was able to do it. No joke. I was in the back of io in the little booths and my eyes actually watered because it was such a personal and proud thing to lead a team and to have such success with everything.
The event organizers and everyone at io were obviously INSANELY thrilled with everything (even announcing it on the speaker) ... dudes we had 1.28 million impressions in just a few hours!!
... and because of the hard work I was then invited to Hill Harper's home for the VIP after party getting to kick it with everyone.
I then got to mix and mingle with everyone even having a wonderful, wonderful conversation with Sharon Lawrence.
I'm a really big fan, I said as I approached asking for a picture ...
She is SO much more beautiful in person, btw!!
We then started talking about social media and what I did for the event. I briefly told her my background and my story and she turned with one look said - have you monetized your eggs yet?
I started laughing as I almost choked on my wine. I took a step back, lowered my head, and said wow, I cannot believe Sharon Lawrence just asked me that.
Your genes are going to be worth a lot, she said. Your kids are going to be little geniuses!!
We chatted for about a half hour but then the event was winding down and Hill gave us a mini-tour and we were then all sent on our way.
As I walked back down to the bus stop I sat and pondered how I wanted to celebrate.
STREET FIGHTER, I thought!! I wanna play arcade Street Fighter!!
I then went over to the Surly Goat in WeHo (the door guy loves that I literally just go in to play Street Fighter) and unfortunately because the game was out of order - I left a few moments later heading back home.
This is the greatest night of my life, I thought. I achieved a goal I've been going after for 3 years.
The more that I thought about everything though the more that I realized the weight of that statement.
This. Is. The. Greatest. Night. Of. My. Life.
There was no one to share it with, and frankly, the majority of people I talked to had literally no idea what I was even talking about.
I then walked home alone and questioned my life.
What am I doing this all for? Who am I doing all of this for?
Writing, producing, and managing the brand makes me UNBELIEVABLY satisfied on a professional level, but it pains me greatly personally. I don't cultivate friendships, I date like mad and meet up with readers of the site but after all of this time I STILL don't have a lot of close friends and I am STILL no closer to a relationship of meaning. I want friends (and true friends, not just people who want things from me), and I WANT an intimate relationship.
I want to get married in the next 5 years. I want to have kids.
Advisors tell me over and over not to do it and to stay single for as long as I can ... but this is maddening. I don't like being angsty nor do I find it any more inspiring than being happy. You are only ever as good as the people you have around to share things with you. The proudest moment of my life from both a personal and professional level was right there ... and all it wanted to do was make me cry.
I was grateful for being honest with myself that I was unhappy but I was unsure with what to do about it.
I'm not ever going to stop what I do. This brand will one day have a series of lifecasters and I will be just a very small part of something bigger - but I'm ready for more. I'm CRAAAVVVINNNNNNGGGGG it.
I then fell asleep and on Saturday (after a day of rocking out to Just Dance) I headed over to a party at Antonio's house.
I got to talking to his friends, (all of whom are INSANELY smart) and his best friend actually analyized me for the Briggs Meyer test.
Oh, you're a classic ENJT.
What's that I asked?
He then took out his iPhone and started reading ...
The Executive
As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people.
ENTJs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a corporate nature. ENTJs are usually successful in the business world, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural corporate leaders.
There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. ENTJs, like many types, have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Unlike other types, ENTJs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as the ENTJ. The ENTJ needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, the ENTJ will be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. This may be a real problem for the ENTJ, who may be deprived of important information and collaboration from others. In their personal world, it can make some ENTJs overbearing as spouses or parents.
The ENTJ has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for them as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement, which the ENTJ would do well to avoid.
ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. The ENTJ who has not developed their Intuition will make decisions too hastily, without understanding all of the issues and possible solutions. On the other hand, an ENTJ who has not developed their Thinking side will have difficulty applying logic to their insights, and will often make poor decisions. In that case, they may have brilliant ideas and insight into situations, but they may have little skill at determining how to act upon their understanding, or their actions may be inconsistent. An ENTJ who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.
Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the ENTJ, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.
ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren't too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ.
ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run. They're likely to place much emphasis on their children being well-educated and structured, to desire a congenial and devoted relationship with their spouse. At home, the ENTJ needs to be in charge as much as he or she does in their career. The ENTJ is likely best paired with someone who has a strong self-image, who is also a Thinking type. Because the ENTJ is primarily focused on their careers, some ENTJs have a problem with being constantly absent from home, physically or mentally.
The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don't forget to remain balanced in their lives. They are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.
The assessment COMPLETELY freaked me out - it's 100% me. ESPECIALLY with the quick at making a decision and being an efficiency freak.
I then got to talking to some people, and ... I don't know. Everything felt very "scene." I utterly utterly utterly adored talking to Antonio's friends who are hands down some of the most interesting people I have ever met - but again, everything felt very "empty."
Antonio had asked me prior not to be overly touchy as there were females there that were interested in him and he didn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt.
Totally get it ... but the entire experience gave me an interesting observation.
The men loved me. Within the first 30 seconds I literally had 5 people offer me a drink (I accepted one from Antonio though) - but the women weren't sure what to do with me.
As I was helping some people down from the roof deck, one of the women snapped back at me and said, um, there are railings we are fine.
Wow, I thought. Alrite.
It was this unspoken pissing contest and I'm not sure how I was ever even entered into it. Antonio literally could not have paid less attention to me, and I was by no means flirting with even a SINGLE guy ... the entire situation confused me.
Normally too, I would have ZERO problem snapping right back with a comeback or some sort of witty remark - but I had no idea who these people were to Antonio. Sure, I had been introduced to his best friends, but some of the peripheral people I didn't know and out of respect to him I wasn't going to say anything.
Yet another hollow experience, I thought.
I'm obviously elated ANY TIME I get to spend with Antonio - but it just wasn't my scene. My favorite part of the entire evening was when I got to chat with one of his best friends in from NY. He was so smart, and so witty - I could see why he and Antonio were such good friends.
All the rest of it though, the glowsticks, the caddy remarks, I was over it. Everything felt so "Hollywood."
I don't need Antonio to prove my value to these people. I speak my truth and I own my value.
Whether or not the women chose to see that is absolutely out of my control.
Having been picked on for the majority of my life it is something I'm normally used to dealing with, but again, out of respect I didn't want to warrant it with a response - I simply just had to swallow the pill.
Something that is EXTREMELY difficult to do for someone with no filter.
A big group of us then all went to the beach the next day, and as everyone was playing in the water - I just zenned out.
What am I doing with my life, I thought?
I'm finally at this place where I legitimately do feel extremely successful - yet I'm still not as happy as I'd like to be.
There are still so many pieces missing to my life and I am so unsure of what to do next.
I then realized how cyclical this all is.
I am at the exact same spot I was 3 years ago when I launched this site.
I am in a new "life cycle," I thought. I'm ready to move onto doing other things, I'm ready to take another step, I'm ready to lead an even more authentic life.
Again, professionally speaking I could not BEEEE happier (and more scared) doing what I do. That part of my life has a big fat check next to it. Personally, however, I'm empty. I don't have anyone to share things with.
This morning I took all of those thoughts into my session with the Shaman and almost immediately I started sobbing in his office.
I briefly went over the story of Antonio and within seconds of opening my mouth, he stops me.
Your voice is so different right now. We've been working together for almost a year (and talked at GREAT lengths all about relationships), yet I've never heard that tone in your voice before.
He stopped me again. That depends on your definition of connection then does it not?
You're right, I thought.
I then explained to him that the only way I can see staying sane is to stay very Zen with the situation as a whole.
He's a very complex person, I said. I can't push, I can only speak my truth keeping my side of the street clean. I am TREMENDOUSLY enjoying my time spent with him, and on a very matter of fact level I can feel him literally opening my heart up. I didn't even know I could connect intimately like this with another person and while I don't believe in soul mates I do believe that knowing you can experience something like this once means it can happen again.
Whether I spend more time with Antonio or not - it can't matter.
I need to experience only the present moment, while articulating my truth and not have it be contingent upon any expectations.
We then went into our session (he does about a half hour of reiki as I drift off into a meditative transe) and afterwards I asked him about my energy.
Do I feel any different to you?
What do you mean? he asked.
I feel so different now. (I haven't seen the Shaman since before I started dating Antonio.)
I can tell you that you are much more level and open, but your solar plexes and your stomach - it's longing.
I know, I said still holding back tears. I'm much more emotional now than I ever have been. I'm starting to feel alive again - I'm just so scared at the same time. Before, I had a goal with an idea for this website. What do I do with my personal life? How are there achievable goals in something so seemingly intangible?
He then smiled as he gave me a big hug saying, you'll get through this.
ANNNNDDDD there you have it. I'm not happy with my personal life right now and I'm not sure what to do about it. I love love love spending time with Antonio but he can't be my only intimate relationship - it's not his responsibility, it's mine.
Damn you self work. This shit doesn't get any easier.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012 at 6:01AM
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DerekJ_AllDay
