#NerdsUnite: The Gospel According to John (My Teenage Daughter)

<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>

Question this week: What dating advice would you give to your teenage daughter?

Oh boy, this is a great question. Honestly, every man dreads the day he has a teenage daughter. I’ll give you a couple of reasons why. For starters, he worries that he won’t be able to connect with her due to some of the obstacles between male and female in thinking and feeling. He won’t be able to relate to her. Won’t know what to say to her. How to play with her. How to handle boyfriends. The list is endless.

I thought good and hard about this and I tried to come up with the right things to say, but the truth is, there are no right things to say. Nothing can prepare anyone for this moment. It’s like being asked to do “the birds and the bees.”

I’m going to try something a little different, however. I’m going to write this like a letter to her. So, here goes:

Hi Sweetheart,

It’s Dad. Obviously. I know you’re growing up and I know you’re starting to look at people (boys or girls, I don’t care) and you’re starting to have feelings for them.  You want to start dating, to start sharing time with them.

That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.

I just want you to know that I support you in your happiness. I want you to find that person who makes you happy and to be with them. But, I want you to know some things and to tell you some things that will help.

Don’t be in a rush. Please, for the love of all things, don’t rush it. Take your time in the relationship and work at it. Don’t feel like you have to make it happen and that a relationship will make you feel grown-up. It won’t. And don’t let the other person rush you either. In any regard. If they aren’t willing to accept a slow pace and they just want to get physical and that’s it, they’re not worth your time. It shows that they don’t respect you and if you don’t respect yourself enough to take a stand for how you feel and what you believe in, then they will walk all over you. And no daughter of mine will be walked over.

There’s a song that always helps me whenever I try to rush things or whenever I worry about things not happening fast enough, and it applies to dating too. I heard it first at a concert when grandpa and grandma were taking me around the country to look at colleges that were trying to scout me for track. It’s by an artist named Billy Joel, from his song Vienna:

Slow down, you crazy child 
you're so ambitious for a juvenile 
But then if you're so smart, tell me 
Why are you still so afraid? 

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? 
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out 
You've got so much to do and 
Only so many hours in a day 

But you know that when the truth is told.. 
That you can get what you want or you get old 
You're gonna kick off before you even 
Get halfway through 
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Vienna is whatever you want it to be, but you’re so young and you have so much life to live, don’t rush through it. You’ll get there.

Next, don’t think that the first relationship you’ll have will be the only one. I know that these relationships exist, I do. My parents met in high school and they’ve been together ever since. But, just because that happened for them, doesn’t mean it will happen for you. I know that that’s a hard fact to swallow, but trust me it was harder when I went through it.

I met this girl, beautiful girl, wonderful girl, who I latched onto. We were inseparable. We did so much together and we shared so many memories, we were blinded by each other. While I don’t regret my time with her one bit, all four and a half years we dated, I do regret that by rushing into the relationship I entrenched myself in it.

Oddly enough, it took her parents asking her to date other people to see if she was really happy with me to see that we had blinded ourselves to the problems in our own relationship. This was so difficult. I thought that I would marry this woman, that we would grow old together, but at the end of the day we broke up and moved on. But because we were so blinded by each other, we forgot about being honest with each other and ourselves.

I’m not saying that you have to date every single person who asks you out or that you should go around breaking hearts just because you need to experience different things, but know that if something isn’t working out and there are problems, it may be time to move on if they don’t get better or you find yourself losing interest. It’s hard doing something for other people, but it’s even harder doing something like that for yourself. You’ll feel mean, rotten and bad. But at the end of the day, you’ll be doing both of you a favor, because it’s not fair for them to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them anymore, and it’s not fair to you to be with a person you don’t want to be with anymore.

If you spend all your time with one person and you’re not open to the possibility that someone else might come along, then you may miss out on the one you’re meant to be with. This could take a long time, but the key is to remember that if you’re not happy, then they won’t be happy. So, be with the person that makes you happy, and that finding them may take some time and that they might not be the first person you meet.

Be honest. Don’t ever think that you have to avoid a topic for the other person’s sake if it genuinely concerns you. If something is on your mind, say it. That goes for them too. If something is on their mind and they don’t want to talk about it, remember it later. Not talking about something that is important is just another way of ignoring the problem. Never ignore a problem. Talk them out, communicate, be smart.

Don’t spend all your time with that person. I know you want to spend every waking minute with them and when you’re apart it feels like there’s a piece of you missing, but revel in the freedom that you have. A relationship is not two people in one life, it is two lives being shared by two people. If your lives cross over so much that you end up not having any identity other than just “You Two,” you’re doing something wrong.

Take some time to do stuff for you. Have a girls’ night. Go out on your own and find people who share similar interests. If your partner likes those too, then great! But it doesn’t mean that they have to be the only person you hang around. You’ll find that if you spend all your time together, you’ll have nothing to talk about because you both know everything that happened. But, if you spend time doing your own things, then when you do get together you’ll have plenty to talk about and share. And maybe they’ll be able to help you with something you thought you couldn’t do by yourself.

Don’t worry about wondering if you’re in love or not. I did that and it sucks. The only advice that I can give is that you’ll know you’re in love when all the songs make sense. It’s something I heard one time and honestly, that’s the best advice I can give. Don’t expect it to be like anything you’ve seen or read about. Don’t expect to feel a certain way, don’t expect anything. You’ll know in your own way because everyone is different and everyone has their own way of feeling it.

Also, dating is never like the movies, it never will be, and fairytale romances are just that, fairytales. Do not expect a prince charming, do not expect to be treated like a princess. You aren’t one. And they aren’t princes or knights in shining armor or warrior princesses or whatever.  You are a person, just like everyone else and so are they. Treat them with respect and understanding and if they treat you the same way, then they’re good enough to date you. If they don’t treat you with respect and understanding, they’re not worth your time.

You will make mistakes. So will they. Don’t write them off right away because they screwed up once or twice. Talk to them about it and why you felt hurt. Don’t be ashamed when they do the same thing. Relationships take work and time and mistakes. Communicate, be smart and realize that nobody is perfect. Neither are you. Do not place yourself above anyone else. The moment you do that, no one will be good enough and you will be looking forever. I guarantee it.

Honey, there’s so much more that I want to talk about with you, but there’s just so much that you have to experience on your own too. I can only prepare you. Just remember: be honest, don’t rush, be understanding, take time for yourself, and communicate. Those are the most important things. I love you so much, sweetie. I want you to be happy and I know that you will be.

And if anyone ever hurts you I will break their legs. I’m your father, not a saint.

Love,

Dad

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!

#NerdsUnite: The Gospel According to John (Do you believe in monogamy?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>

Question: Do you believe in monogamy?

Absolutely. I really really do. This partially has to do with my folks being together for so freaking long and seeing other people together for so long. Granted, I’ve seen relationships fall apart in and outside of my family so I know that not everything works out that way and I acknowledge that. However, I think monogamy exists just as naturally as polyamorous relationships and “open” relationships.

It’s funny, my girlfriend and I were talking about this a while back because we both know a lot of couples or individuals that are polyamorous or in open relationships. What are these things, for those of you who are not familiar? These relationships allow the two engaged in it to have multiple partners, lover, significant others, but still continue to be with a specific person.

Now, what is the benefit of these specific types of relationships? I have no idea, and to be honest I’ve not seen more than one actually work well without someone in the relationship feeling misled, mistreated and betrayed. The same can happen in a monogamous relationship, don’t get me wrong, but why would you need multiple partners, lovers and etc.?

Okay, let’s look at why people say they don’t believe in monogamy.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person.”

“I would get tired of the same person for that long.”

“It doesn’t feel natural.”

“I’m just attracted to so many people, being with one person makes me feel like I’ll cheat because I’m attracted to so many people.”

The reasons go on and on and on and I’ve heard them all. Here are my responses to the ones above however,

“If you don’t feel that way, that’s totally fine and if you can find someone else that feels that way then I think you’re going to have a happy relationship or multiple relationships. However, I think the problem will arise with the other relationships and making sure those people are comfortable with you being with multiple people. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants to be Number Two. If you can find people who are comfortable with that, then you’re gold!”

“You would get tired of the same person for that long? If you think you’re going to get tired of a person, maybe you shouldn’t enter in a relationship with them. If you still want to boink them, that’s a different story, but try explaining to them that you just want to sleep with them and not date them and see how that works. If they’re cool with it, then have fun, but I can guarantee that a majority of people will feel used and or insulted that you just want to sleep with them and not be romantically involved. It’s kind of a backhanded compliment in my opinion. Also, it’s entirely possible to be with someone and then realize you don’t want to be with them after a period of time. I completely understand that and that’s what happens in most relationships. However, if there is doubt at the very beginning, don’t jump into that pool.”

“It doesn’t feel ‘natural?’ What’s natural? Do you know that animals practice monogamy? Oh yeah, totally. Barn owls, gibbon apes, penguins, coyotes, beavers and bald eagles are all monogamous. There are many more I just didn’t want to list them all. Saying you don’t think monogamy is natural is like saying you think that homosexuality is unnatural. But, if you’re using the animal kingdom as justification for your reason for monogamy not being natural, let’s look at some major examples that people use to justify.

Lions are like Mormons in the fact that the women are monogamous and the man is not. The main male lion in the pride has multiple wives who go and feed him and take care of the children. Why does this happen? The male lion is the one that protects the pride should they come under attack. Unless you’re saying that all of your girlfriends are giving you sex, love and companionship in exchange for protection, you’re relationship is not like a lion’s.

Bonobos. Okay, these little guys are really close to us in the genetic chain. I get why people use them as examples. However, look at the reason they engage in mass intercourse and multiple-partner relationships. They have sex to say hello, they have sex to settle arguments and they have sex just to have sex. That’s fine. I challenge you to find a community of individuals that is totally okay with having sex and then forgetting how they felt or why they were mad at you. If you can, then my friend you’ve found the Promised Land and I’m sure a huge group will follow you there.

Many bird species.  Okay, birds sleep with multiple partners because they’re programmed to find the mate that has the most desirable traits that will produce the best offspring. So, if you’re sleeping with a multitude of people because you’re trying to impregnate the women who have the best traits or you’re trying to get pregnant from the most desirable male with the best traits, then you’re like most animals and birds. If you’re not doing that, then you can’t use birds. I’m sorry.”

"Are you seriously that horny and or attracted to so many people that you can’t be happy with one person? Do you get sad with just one person? Is it that you get tired of a person sexually or disinterested in them as a person? I cannot honestly understand this reasoning to be involved in multiple people, but that’s just me. This goes along with the whole fear of having sex with the same person for the remainder of the relationship or the rest of your marriage thing. Is that so bad? Maybe you should date people who have the same sexual tastes as you, or someone who can actively try and satisfy your needs as you try and do the same thing. If that’s not something you’re willing to do, then I don’t know what to say and you really may just need to have sex with a lot of people. If that makes you happy and you don’t hurt people, then my friend go in peace and be happy.”

My main thing with these justifications is that there is one rule I have when it comes to these relationships that are polyamorous or open. Please, for the love of everything, do not dismiss the feelings of others. That’s how you become that asshole dude who sleeps around and cheats or the crazy girl who breaks guys’ hearts. We are humans, not animals. We have complex and often hard to express emotions. That is what separates us from them. We can communicate in other ways than having sex or mating displays. We talk. We have a complex language that allows us to become closer in more ways than just physical. Please, realize that.

If you’re going to engage in an open relationship or a polyamorous one, communicate with each person that this is the kind of thing you’re into. If someone is not down for that, then do not force the issue. If they are cool with it, then great! Enjoy each other! If, at some time, they start to have doubts, then don’t be mad. Not everyone may be comfortable with this lifestyle, or as I said before, not everyone likes being Number 2 for long. Or Number 6 for that matter.

Now, what do I think about monogamous relationships? I think the key to these is being honest. About everything. This requires communication. Now, I’m not talking about honesty in just thought and word, I’m talking in action too.

For example: Do not deny the fact that each of you will be attracted to multiple people as you see them. It’s just a fact of life. So my suggestion is the Museum Rule that my girlfriend and I have implemented. You can look at the art, you can admire the art, you can appreciate the art…but you can’t touch it and you can’t bring it home with you. So, she can look at guys, flirt with them every now and them, I can look at girls and admire their looks and flirt occasionally, but we never hide the fact that we have a boyfriend or girlfriend and we always come back to each other.

Monogamy requires self-control. Willpower. The ability to say, “No” and appreciate what you have. If you can openly communicate, be honest and if you implement the Museum Rule, then I think your monogamous relationship really can work and be very healthy. I really do. That’s my opinion at least.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!

#NerdsUnite: The Gospel According to John (to trim or not to trim? that is the question)

<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>

Question this week: Does pubic hair really matter to men and if so what is the preferred grooming method?

This…is a dicey question for every male to answer because it’s such a two-way street when it comes to this kind of thing. A guy can’t really ask for a specific thing or style here without offering to do the same for his partner, or vice versa so this relies heavily on communication.

I know a lot of guys who want the completely shaven look, partially because of the porn industry and it’s fascination with the fad. They may have their own reasons but that’s their business. I find several problems arise when this is the preferred method for the man in the relationship.

I know many girls who feel like having the completely shaven look makes them feel like they’re a little girl and not a woman, and it unnerves them to think that a grown man could want that. I can understand that feeling. I’m also sure that, if they don’t feel that particular way about it, it’s a lot of work and also probably painful for some.

Then we get into the wonderful world of style in this area and quite frankly I can’t take this question serious enough to describe each and every style of grooming down there. Suffice it to say that if you’re really interested in learning about this, there’s the wide world of the internet to inform you on all of the lovely styles.

I’ve heard dozens of guys complain about doing it themselves for their own personal preference. The most colloquial term is “trimming the banzai tree” which I find hilarious and probably apt for anybody doing this sort of thing. So, I get it, doing this sort of thing is a long process, it’s hard to do and often times painful.

I’m going to be honest with you; this is an entirely subjective subject to personal preference between both parties. What I am going to say is you should really talk about this thing if it is a huge deal for you. If what is going on down there is so distracting to you that you can’t do your business, maybe you’re focusing on the wrong thing?

Regardless, it really shouldn’t matter what’s going on down there. Think about it. We probably only started doing something like this because someone somewhere got self-conscious about how they looked and decided to change it up. Just like Adam and Eve putting on clothes.

If you feel weird or feel like your business is not the best looking thing, that’s on you and you can do whatever you want to it. It’s your body. If you’re doing something because your partner told you to do it, then that might not be the best reason.

However, if you don’t have a problem shaving down there or grooming down there, then by all means, do something that your partner likes or that you feel comfortable with. It’s just like doing your hair or putting on make-up if you think about it. Just remember that it is your body and you can choose to do with it what you will.

There is no preferred method, there is no right way to g0 about it and there is no law or rule for this. There’s a flavor of ice cream for each person and there’s the kind of ice cream that people feel good about scooping out. You just got to find the right person who will scoop your flavor, if that makes sense to you.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!

#NerdsUnite: The Gospel According to John (biggest deal breaker?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>

Question this week: What is the biggest deal breaker you have when dating a girl?

If a girl does not communicate with me, it's a deal breaker. Seriously, that's the final say in the matter. I cannot, cannot, be in a relationship with a person who does not communicate with me in any shape or form about important things.

Now, I’m going to do something that I’ve never previously done before on the site. I’m going to talk about my past relationships.

I know! I know, I hear you gasping in the audience and I’m sure several of you thought of me as genderless cyborg monstrosity that had no genitalia. Up until about 7 months ago you would be totally correct. About the cyborg thing, not the genitalia. I use the bathroom.

To get that image out of you head, here’s a song to go with this post, okay? 

The reason I never delved into my own relationships on the site was because they had no relevance to what I was writing about the majority of the time. Though I think some of these questions are Jen’s way of trying to get me to talk about them, because every so often she yells at me and tries to tell me that I should write about my relationship experiences on the site for you all. I’m on to you Ms. Friel.

However, the reason that I’m going to talk about two very particular ones right now is because they emphasize what I mean about communication very well and I can’t think of better examples than these two instances. I will not name names, I respect these women far too much and the privacy of their lives to do that. However, both of them know and knew that this was a problem for us, so talking about communication issues will not be anything new if (by some infinitesimal chance they actually read the site) they will not be offended because I said these things to their faces and in person.

Now, I’m debating using pseudonyms or whatever for these women but honestly I’m not clever enough for that (really I am, but the names that come to mind are so ridiculous that its borderline hilarious and it won’t get the point across). So we’ll stick to designations such as Woman 1 and Woman 2. W1 and W2 for short. This is not in an attempt to dehumanize them, again, this is to protect their identities.

W1 was a girl I had dated for four years, since sophomore year in high school and we continued to date through college till our sophomore year there when we ended up breaking up. So far that’s been the longest relationship that I’ve had.

What I didn’t see at the time was our inability to communicate properly. Granted, we talked very well, we were extremely close after four years and could talk about most anything. It was certain things that I didn’t notice till the end of our relationship that made me realize that that was not something I wanted.

W1 had a habit of letting me decide most of what we did and not talking about certain personal issues unless I pried them from her. These were important things that really mattered in our relationship and often times just trivial things that would have not had an impact on us at all.

For example: We’re sitting in her dorm and watching a movie, we just finished lunch and I’m lazing about there with her next to me, when I notice her crying silently. Not, like, tears streaming down her face. More, single tear here, but completely teary-eyed.

Fearing the worst, since it was not a sad movie, I pause it and look at her, concerned and ask her what’s wrong. She says it’s nothing and that we should keep watching the movie, but I learned at a very early age that when a woman says “It’s nothing” and she is visibly upset, it is not nothing. Word to the wise, there.

After about 10 minutes of “sweetie you’re crying it’s obviously not nothing,” she finally fesses up that she wants to go for a walk outside. That’s it. Just, take a walk with me around campus.

“That’s it? That’s why you’re upset? Why didn’t you say anything before?! We could have watched this movie any time, I own it! Why didn’t you say something?”

“Well, I wanted  you to be happy and you wanted to watch the movie, so I said yes.”

You can analyze that conversation for yourself and figure out our entire relationship pretty much from that conversation. Needless to say we went outside and then everything was fine, but that moment really stuck in my mind on a level of poor communication that I didn’t know existed.

Personally, I love it when the woman in the relationship has an opinion and knows what she wants. TELL ME. Seriously. I don’t want to make all the freaking decisions here, because then I’m responsible for everything and it’s not a relationship. Having one person decide everything and the other not speak up is two people doing everything one person wants. That’s no relationship in my book.

Guys and gals should not be afraid of expressing their feelings, wants and needs in a relationship. That’s basic communication on a primal level between human beings. If you have a problem, or trouble, doing that, then you need to work on that. Why? Well, W2 will show you.

I met W2 at an event with mutual friends and we hit it off right away. We had similar interests, we had a lot of fun together and we got real close real fast. We’d only known each other as long as we’d been dating, about four months or so, and around that time I started to notice that she had become distant and somewhat cold in the way we interacted.

I asked her what the problem was, if something was wrong, and again I went to red alert when I heard the phrase, “It’s nothing, I’m fine.” ALL HANDS, BATTLE STATIONS!!!

After some time, I found out the source of the issue was that I had said some rather inappropriate and insensitive things over the course of the last few months, which I can totally believe because often times I’m an idiot and I let my mouth run before I think, but they were not intentionally bad. They were just things that rubbed her the wrong way when I said them.

I could understand that. What I didn’t understand was why she had not said anything and was now telling me she had no feelings for me anymore because of those things that had happened and I was out of the loop.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to change who you were for me. If that’s who you are, that’s fine, but I’m not interested in that.”

Now, this is a dangerous and often times misused phrase. Not wanting to change someone is completely alright and no one should strive to change the man or woman they’re in a relationship with. But, that doesn’t mean you stop trying to talk to them about things that upset you.

Just because you don’t like a type of joke or don’t like one the other person cusses, doesn’t mean that they will then suddenly stop doing it and change their personality for you. No, what they should do, is respect your feelings and refrain from doing that around you, while then going back to their friends and saying those jokes and cussing all they want because that’s who they are.

I often say that social interaction is very much like stand-up comedy: You have to know your audience. Don’t say the incredibly racist Jew joke that you know at a Synagogue. Be respectful. However, if you’re with a group of people who know that you’re not a racist and are by no means being a malicious individual and find that joke hilarious, then by all means, say the joke.

Then W2 said this, which is a big no-no for me:

“I want someone who will know what I want and like without me having to say it and without us having to talk about it every time.”

This, ladies and gentlemen both, is an unrealistic expectation for a partner in a relationship. If you expect someone to know what you want at all times and what you like and don’t like, you better be fucking dating a mind-reader. Otherwise, you are going to have conversations about these things and you need to prepare for it.

Relationships are not like the movies where two people are so in tune and so made for each other that they know every little thing to avoid. No one is like that. People will screw up, people will say dumb things and at some point you’ll have to have a conversation about something with them along the lines of “Dude, what the fuck was that?” or “Oh my god, why did you say that to my mother?”

Shit just happens okay?

Now, what you should learn from my experiences with W1 and W2 is this: Communication is key for a healthy relationship to flourish and grow. You need to be able to express yourself to this person because if you’re going to be sharing time and your life with them, they need to respect your wants and needs. And you will need to respect their wants and needs. That also means you need to listen to them. If you don’t listen to them, you’ll miss important information that either will help you avoid incidents that are embarrassing, or learn something wonderfully fun and new about them that will make you more fond of them.

Be prepared to not get this right. Be prepared to talk a lot with someone. That’s the best thing you can do to avoid awkward situations or arguments about one or the other doing something stupid. Above all, relax about it too. You’re supposed to enjoy this person and their company. If you don’t like communicating with them or it’s difficult, maybe they’re not right for you. Spend some time working on it, but if you don’t see it getting better, then you might need to move on.

Communication, it’s a deal-breaker and a deal-maker. Remember that.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!

#NerdsUnite: The gospel according to @JohnSollitto

<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>

Question this week: What do you think is the sexiest quality in a woman?

This is an interesting question as attraction has a lot of connotations in current society. A person can be “attractive” if they are stable and secure in life, if they are physically and aesthetically pleasing or if they exhibit traits that a person finds enjoyable and preferable over others. In the most basic sense, not everyone finds the same thing attractive, but there is one thing that I believe every man and woman finds attractive: confidence.

Confidence itself is a sub-category in the Attraction Scale because of the many different forms it takes. Confidence in self, confidence in skill, confidence in knowledge and yadda yadda. Personally, confidence in self is the thing that I find most attractive and “sexiest” about a woman. Yet, there are thorns to each rose and we’ll cover those in a second.

As usual, I’ll try and provide examples of what I mean in a humorous manner because honestly I explain things better when it’s funny to me. I don’t find much humor in this next example, but give me a few lines and I’m sure I’ll get a joke out of it somewhere.

Animals. Animals breed off of confidence. Complex courting rituals and shows of strength or ability are all displays of confidence. In this case, an animal is displaying its confidence in itself by showing that it knows it is the best breeding partner for the mate it is seeking. “Look at me, check out this awesome ass plumage. Don’t you want some of this?” Not ass-plumage, but you get the idea. That’s what birds do!

Rams?  “Hey, see that other guy over there? Watch me knock him the hell out with my incredible strength and horns. I am the best mate for you because I am the most powerful.” And then the lady ram is like, “Oh Mr. Male Ram, you’re so strong and powerful. How could I refuse you?” And then they live happily ever after.

Now, this is a really basic sense of what I mean. This doesn’t really translate into humans because this can be taken one of two ways. For example: “Hey baby. Aren’t I so sexy? Look at my muscles and my expensive clothing and my suave attitude. I’m clearly the best guy here for you.” If some jackhole came up to you and said that, you’d walk away and think he’s a narcissistic prick, right? The same goes for chicks! “Ugh, look at these girls here. None of them are good enough for you. Take me home.”

I’m only assuming that these are conversations that an incredible confident individual would say if they were confident in ego not in self. Usually people who are all about showing off and proving how good they are, are the ones least confident in themselves.

As for me, I find it sexy when a person says something like this, “I’m working at (x-job) and I really love it because of (reason-y). I tried out all of these other things but I think this is my passion and I love it.” I know what you’re thinking. If I found every person who loves their job sexy then I’d either be overwhelmed by the sexy or sad at the lack of sexy around me. But I shall dissect this to explain why I find this sexy.

I find it sexy because if a woman has taken the time to experiment with things and find out what she is truly passionate about and discovered a job that she really likes and stuck with it, that shows me that she’s found some of her own personal happiness and followed it. I want to be with someone who knows what makes them happy and who isn’t afraid to go for it because that’s who they are. That’s sexy.

Another example is if she doesn’t really care what she wears or if it’s “in-fashion.” If a girl wears clothes that she likes and she finds fit her personality, that is a part of her to me and just makes her sexier. Granted, we all have those conditions of hygiene and whatnot. Also, just because she’s sure of herself and sure of what she’s wearing makes her sexy, doesn’t mean I’ll be totally into her if she shows up wearing clown outfits all the time.

Confidence in self is about knowing who you are and being confident in that knowledge and not letting others get you down. Jen Friel is confident in herself because she knows who she is and what makes her happy.  That’s why so many guys and girls find her sexy.

Granted, not everyone knows everything about themselves or who they are and often times people don’t like themselves. I’ve been there and I totally get that. But just because you aren’t confident in yourself, doesn’t mean you won’t ever be. It means that you’re on the road there.  Take the time to really think about what you want and that will resonate. It’s kind of what Jen says about finding your own personal awesome. When you are confident in who you are and what you are happy about and what makes you happy, others gravitate to that and they notice that. It’s animal instinct. Remember the rams and the birds with the awesome-ass plumage? Course you do.

So remember guys and gals. Have confidence. Like that Sound of Music song.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!