<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>
Question: Do you believe in monogamy?
Absolutely. I really really do. This partially has to do with my folks being together for so freaking long and seeing other people together for so long. Granted, I’ve seen relationships fall apart in and outside of my family so I know that not everything works out that way and I acknowledge that. However, I think monogamy exists just as naturally as polyamorous relationships and “open” relationships.
It’s funny, my girlfriend and I were talking about this a while back because we both know a lot of couples or individuals that are polyamorous or in open relationships. What are these things, for those of you who are not familiar? These relationships allow the two engaged in it to have multiple partners, lover, significant others, but still continue to be with a specific person.
Now, what is the benefit of these specific types of relationships? I have no idea, and to be honest I’ve not seen more than one actually work well without someone in the relationship feeling misled, mistreated and betrayed. The same can happen in a monogamous relationship, don’t get me wrong, but why would you need multiple partners, lovers and etc.?
Okay, let’s look at why people say they don’t believe in monogamy.
“I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person.”
“I would get tired of the same person for that long.”
“It doesn’t feel natural.”
“I’m just attracted to so many people, being with one person makes me feel like I’ll cheat because I’m attracted to so many people.”
The reasons go on and on and on and I’ve heard them all. Here are my responses to the ones above however,
“If you don’t feel that way, that’s totally fine and if you can find someone else that feels that way then I think you’re going to have a happy relationship or multiple relationships. However, I think the problem will arise with the other relationships and making sure those people are comfortable with you being with multiple people. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants to be Number Two. If you can find people who are comfortable with that, then you’re gold!”
“You would get tired of the same person for that long? If you think you’re going to get tired of a person, maybe you shouldn’t enter in a relationship with them. If you still want to boink them, that’s a different story, but try explaining to them that you just want to sleep with them and not date them and see how that works. If they’re cool with it, then have fun, but I can guarantee that a majority of people will feel used and or insulted that you just want to sleep with them and not be romantically involved. It’s kind of a backhanded compliment in my opinion. Also, it’s entirely possible to be with someone and then realize you don’t want to be with them after a period of time. I completely understand that and that’s what happens in most relationships. However, if there is doubt at the very beginning, don’t jump into that pool.”
“It doesn’t feel ‘natural?’ What’s natural? Do you know that animals practice monogamy? Oh yeah, totally. Barn owls, gibbon apes, penguins, coyotes, beavers and bald eagles are all monogamous. There are many more I just didn’t want to list them all. Saying you don’t think monogamy is natural is like saying you think that homosexuality is unnatural. But, if you’re using the animal kingdom as justification for your reason for monogamy not being natural, let’s look at some major examples that people use to justify.
Lions are like Mormons in the fact that the women are monogamous and the man is not. The main male lion in the pride has multiple wives who go and feed him and take care of the children. Why does this happen? The male lion is the one that protects the pride should they come under attack. Unless you’re saying that all of your girlfriends are giving you sex, love and companionship in exchange for protection, you’re relationship is not like a lion’s.
Bonobos. Okay, these little guys are really close to us in the genetic chain. I get why people use them as examples. However, look at the reason they engage in mass intercourse and multiple-partner relationships. They have sex to say hello, they have sex to settle arguments and they have sex just to have sex. That’s fine. I challenge you to find a community of individuals that is totally okay with having sex and then forgetting how they felt or why they were mad at you. If you can, then my friend you’ve found the Promised Land and I’m sure a huge group will follow you there.
Many bird species. Okay, birds sleep with multiple partners because they’re programmed to find the mate that has the most desirable traits that will produce the best offspring. So, if you’re sleeping with a multitude of people because you’re trying to impregnate the women who have the best traits or you’re trying to get pregnant from the most desirable male with the best traits, then you’re like most animals and birds. If you’re not doing that, then you can’t use birds. I’m sorry.”
"Are you seriously that horny and or attracted to so many people that you can’t be happy with one person? Do you get sad with just one person? Is it that you get tired of a person sexually or disinterested in them as a person? I cannot honestly understand this reasoning to be involved in multiple people, but that’s just me. This goes along with the whole fear of having sex with the same person for the remainder of the relationship or the rest of your marriage thing. Is that so bad? Maybe you should date people who have the same sexual tastes as you, or someone who can actively try and satisfy your needs as you try and do the same thing. If that’s not something you’re willing to do, then I don’t know what to say and you really may just need to have sex with a lot of people. If that makes you happy and you don’t hurt people, then my friend go in peace and be happy.”
My main thing with these justifications is that there is one rule I have when it comes to these relationships that are polyamorous or open. Please, for the love of everything, do not dismiss the feelings of others. That’s how you become that asshole dude who sleeps around and cheats or the crazy girl who breaks guys’ hearts. We are humans, not animals. We have complex and often hard to express emotions. That is what separates us from them. We can communicate in other ways than having sex or mating displays. We talk. We have a complex language that allows us to become closer in more ways than just physical. Please, realize that.
If you’re going to engage in an open relationship or a polyamorous one, communicate with each person that this is the kind of thing you’re into. If someone is not down for that, then do not force the issue. If they are cool with it, then great! Enjoy each other! If, at some time, they start to have doubts, then don’t be mad. Not everyone may be comfortable with this lifestyle, or as I said before, not everyone likes being Number 2 for long. Or Number 6 for that matter.
Now, what do I think about monogamous relationships? I think the key to these is being honest. About everything. This requires communication. Now, I’m not talking about honesty in just thought and word, I’m talking in action too.
For example: Do not deny the fact that each of you will be attracted to multiple people as you see them. It’s just a fact of life. So my suggestion is the Museum Rule that my girlfriend and I have implemented. You can look at the art, you can admire the art, you can appreciate the art…but you can’t touch it and you can’t bring it home with you. So, she can look at guys, flirt with them every now and them, I can look at girls and admire their looks and flirt occasionally, but we never hide the fact that we have a boyfriend or girlfriend and we always come back to each other.
Monogamy requires self-control. Willpower. The ability to say, “No” and appreciate what you have. If you can openly communicate, be honest and if you implement the Museum Rule, then I think your monogamous relationship really can work and be very healthy. I really do. That’s my opinion at least.
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Monday, May 13, 2013 at 3:48PM
Everyone knows that women love confident men. The problem is that many guys, in their attempt to come across as confident and self-assured, fail to distinguish being confident from being a cocky asshole.
