#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Missouri)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

I think Megan knew luring me on a mini-golf date was going to be a bit of a challenge. So when she stumbled upon a pirate-themed course — “Pirate’s Cove” — in Branson, Missouri, she piped up (because who ever turns down a themed event? Not me) and within hours I was meeting Jake on the course.

Quiet, unimposing and rather unassuming, Jake was anything but typical for a first date that was going to be filmed. Admittedly, while the men I’ve gone out with have been unique snowflakes, if they were books we were studying in literature class we’d be able to pick out a theme through them all: outgoing.

Taciturn as he was, I decided to just be myself and bounced into Pirate’s Cove Golf to get swinging. Jake was actually good at mini-golf — as in, he could hit below par without effort and seemed very at ease (whereas I clocked my ball into a gurgling creek on my second stroke). He seemed rather happy to let me drive the conversation, though he actively did not want to join me in my favorite part of mini-golf: running around the green pretending I’m the ball and swooping up on inclines and hills.

Our skill differences wound up being the great equalizer between us. I asked for pointers in between my chatter, and he warmed up to talking through the subject of mini-golf technique. Soon we’d moved on from putting and were into the meat of the dating sandwich: past experiences.

Jake proclaimed he was “jaded” about relationships. As it turns out, he’d been married briefly as a young adult and after realizing people change, relationships take work and that marriage is hard, he had decided it was not for him. So instead, Jake has been working on himself for the past few years, making sure people like him for him and not for how he looks or what he has. (He’d grown out his hair Jesus-style and said that before he had a beard and long hair, he’d get hit on a lot, and now was often left alone).

Jake was intriguing — slow to warm up, obviously intelligent, well spoken and very rational — and because I liked him as a human being, I deeply wanted to find his ex-wife and shake her a bit for really changing not just his outlook on life, but his current life trajectory. I don’t think that relationships are necessarily bad, or that finding somebody who will grow with you and accept you as you change is unrealistic. I think that in any partnership, you can demonstrate love, kindness and empathy day in and day out, even when it’s hard.

A lot of guys — my ex included — have taken an emotional bruising from long-term relationships. God, emotional bruising sounds too easy. These men have taken seemingly insurmountable blows to their ability to trust or understand the possible inherent goodness of people. Obviously these aren’t the only two guys in the world who have gone through an experience like this, and there seems to be a void of information for them about how they move forward.

Which makes me wonder … what is the role future girlfriends (or just dates) play for men with these backstories? Did one decent date maybe help Jake feel like there’s hope for him yet? Did a rational relationship with me help my ex feel that maybe it’s possible for him to try trusting someone again? Or is a series required, a set of positive experiences over and over again?

-

*Yes, of course, women have this problem too. But we’re offered books (I Used to Miss Him But My Aim is Improving), movies (He’s Just Not That Into You, Valentine’s Day, Under the Tuscan Sun to name a few) and a social structure of friends that provide tools for getting over it.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Arkansas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Admittedly, I’m not sure how I feel about the open relationship lifestyle (despite having dated someone in an O.R. last year and found benefits to it). The non-judgmental part of me thinks polyamory is for someone else and I’m glad people find what makes them happy in life. And there’s a piece of me that, despite my Dan Savage adoringness, deeply thinks perhaps polyamory is a hedonistic, selfish, immature way to exist.

When a polyamorous man in Arkansas agreed to go out with me, my first thought was “Holy molasses, was it rude that I didn’t invite his wife and girlfriend too?” What worried me most about going out with a polyamorous man was simply the logistics of polyamory. Everything else was merely a first date in the purest sense of the term: Meet. Eat. Walk. The usual.

And I guess what I have to say is this: my date was very nice. Super nice. Like, “come crash on our floor if you and Megs don’t have a place to stay” nice. Like, “Oh, be sure to check out this vista that’s hard to find up the hill if you want an amazing panorama of the city” nice. And, “I’m out of touch for a few hours, my girlfriend wanted to see a movie and then I have to go back to work” nice. And while I wanted to believe in his niceness and considerateness were just part of who he was – someone who was generous, giving, friendly, helpful, and kind – as the date wound up, I couldn’t help but think it was all a ploy.

On our date, we had a nice time, but not an electric one. After dinner at a local Thai place, we did a short tour of the city. First stop, a parking to see the skyline, which my date noted was a great place to make out (to which I’m sure I said something to double the awkwardness). Toward the end of our evening as we walked around the local college campus, the second Megan was distracted by a really pretty fountain (she likes shiny things), my date asked if he could kiss me.

He didn’t just go for it. And he didn’t even ask like he thought he would get a yes. He asked, like a pretend shy teenager, if he could steal one kiss. I balked and said, “Oh, no. This is a first date. I’m not going to do that.”

He asked why. I said that in the past — as a co-ed at college — I had felt the need to use kissing and yes, sex, to get boys to like me. And at this juncture in my life, I really didn’t feel like that was necessary, that I relished the freedom to choose not to kiss someone.

And his response? “Oh. Okay. I just really feel like I understand people and get to know them better when I kiss them. Don’t you agree?”

Wait. Really? It’s here in the date where, when looking back on it, I got frustrated and felt duped. What is it about the inside of my mouth that’s going to help you get me that couldn’t be covered over more conversation? In that instant, I felt as though this was a person who gave into desire without looking for long term consequences. Who thought he would be able to pull me in and had so much confidence that I had so little confidence that I would make out with him, maybe if he just pushed a little more and asked like someone inexperienced in dating and relationships (when all signs actually point the other way).

Maybe I’m being a little sensitive on this subject. It just felt strange. I wrapped up the date with a bad taste in my mouth. Not about open relationships, or about polyamory, but just about the guy himself.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Oklahoma)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

In the right venue, even a date with whom you know you’re not going to have a second date, let alone marry, can be rad. A venue like that comes around once a year to a city near most everyone in the country: the state fair.

Oklahoma does the fair right, though when my date, Derek, told me to meet him by the giant lumberjack, I wasn’t so sure as I am now. While standing on the boot of a very large statue (the second tribute to Paul Bunyan we’ve seen on this trip, now that I type about it), Derek came over to greet me, and into the fair we went.

A nice guy, Derek was a hipster stuck in a southern town. He raised chickens, had his own home, and I believe was working on brewing his own beer. Why he hadn’t headed for the hipster haven of the Pacific Northwest was beyond me. Regardless, he was congenial, nice, and not a challenge to chat with.

One Skyway ride, one Linkin Park-laden spinny ride, two fried pickles, three fried Oreos, one giant fried garlic mashed potato and one six-point beer were followed by the petting of a fawn who nibbled my skirt, some baby goats and a depressed-looking wallaby; soon after, Derek and I decided to say goodbye. He was a nice guy for all intents and purposes, and though we interacted well with one another, it was clear we made fabulous friends and nothing more (he even said so himself).

Date venue? Not bad. Not bad at all. We high-fived and agreed it was probably one of the best times either of us have ever had at the fair. Derek did drunk text me a few nights after the date to tell me about the bon fire he’d built in his back yard, along with photographs. Never sure what to do in those situations, I responded with “ha” and haven’t heard from him since. 

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Kansas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Come Kansas, it’d been awhile since Megan and I had seen “ethnic” food of any kind. Right, I know, we saw it in Wisconsin, but just trust me on this: when you’re from San Francisco, not having daily access to a burrito is bizarre.* So when Meg wanted to set me up with her cousin, who suggested a restaurant that served Dos Equis XX and enchilada sauce, no way was I looking a gift horse in the mouth.

I met the cousin on a small bridge connecting two walkways at the university he works at as an offensive football coach. He did not say much to me, so I let him and Meg chatter away while he led us to his apartment. Because yes, the cousin also happened to be our homestay in the tiny town of Emporia, Kansas. And within minutes, there I was: the pile of bags that make up my life at the moment, smelly running shoes and all. Not only was I going on a first date with Meg’s cousin, but I was going to be going home with him too, whether I wanted to or not.

This was either going to go so wrong, or so right.

I always have a backup plan when it comes to a first date. If things are going awkwardly and my conversational chatter falls flat, I start asking questions about dating. I know, this seems both intuitive and yet completely wrong at the same time; intuitive because hey, I’m making a movie about dating! But bat-guano insane because who the hey talks about dating on a first date?

See, a few days back Megan and I chatted about keeping things fresh and interesting by discussing the past, present, and future dating experiences of each of my dates. Skeptical about whether I could ask an absolute stranger about the first time he fell in love, I considered what that would look like. When you have nothing else to say to someone, you look for a common thread; and most everyone has at least a thought about love, whether or not they believe in it. The topic of love is not just a conversation starter — it’s the appetizer, main course, dessert and coffee afterward.

Interestingly though, my date with the cousin went so right, and thus actually left me not needing to rely on my backup plan. After sitting down, instead of feeling like an interview, it felt like I was on the epitome of a first date. We got to know each other. We bantered. We asked questions. He was so polite he even poured me my own salsa in case I didn’t like sharing things (hello, demonstrations of being considerate and thoughtful, though it was unnecessary).  As the restaurant closed down around us, we lingered over the last of our beers, and then of our water, until we were kicked out around the bewitching hour of 10pm.

And then, like any good first date, I went home with him and Megan, and the three of us sat on the couch watching ABC Family television shows.

*#firstworldproblem. I know.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Iowa)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Over a Scrabble board, EJ and I learned a few things from one another. He discovered that playing the world’s most beloved word game on a first date does not lead to inevitable awkwardness, as it had in his past. In turn, he told me about his concept of the “zero-th” date.

Scratch what you think a first date is — two people getting together for the first time, exchanging pleasantries while simultaneously attempting to suss out if each other is worth time out of their busy days, if they might be capable of spending the night together and laughing at the foibles prone to happen under the covers, if they have enough common ground to understand one another while not being sociopaths, co-dependent, addicted to painkillers, felons, or harboring batty wives in their attics (though who could blame Mr. Rochester, really?). What if, instead, the first date came about when you already knew you liked this person enough to spend more than an hour or two with them?

Enter the zero-th date.

The zero-th date is two people taking a break from their usual trajectory to orbit around one another. There is an hour or two at most of anticipatory conversation to see if they pass by without a second glance, collide and conquer, or find a balance and wobble back and forth based on their gravitational pull. It’s a date without expectation — and “date” is a term I use loosely here. It’s a meeting. Almost an appointment.

In the modeling world, they would call this appointment a go-see. You go and see if this person you met online or in a bar actually interests you live and in person. And then you leave. If one of you calls the other (fine, or texts …  but you really should call if you like the person) then on you go to a first date.

What I love about the zero-th date concept is it gives structure to expectations for all following encounters. Upon that initial meeting, you know you’re only going to see if you even get along with the person. Zero-th date, zero pressure. Then if a first date comes about, you know it’s supposed to be a romantic gesture.

Zero-th date folks. It’s gonna be huge.

EJ himself was intimidatingly intelligent. It’s funny to hang out with a person who does not know you at all. Like, at all. Dates are continually surprised by my expressions. Nary a date goes by that I don’t exclaim “Oh, Mylanta!” as they tell a surprising story — and this ultimately turns into them being shocked at my peculiar phraseology.

Of course, more than my lexicon has garnered questioning. There’s my over-apologetic nature (a friend once made me a mix CD entitled “I’m Sorry for Being Sorry,” which was a direct quote). My slight inability to do simple addition or subtraction without pictorially imagining the numerals in my head — or better yet, drawing them out in thin air with my index finger. And as EJ noticed, a complete lack of desire to win at Scrabble.*

Day after day, I engage in conversation — and even mores, first dates — with absolute strangers. And while I can’t tell you what parts of their personalities I hone in on that they and their friends rarely think about, it’s bizarre always to be explaining myself to people. Bizarre, but also rather introspective. It’s got me understanding what it is like to meet me, what makes an impression on people, and what impression it is that I want to leave on a person I may never see again. And even beyond that, I question my own personality. Do I like being this way? Do I want to stop? Should I? Why or why not?

Despite not wanting to make this project about changing my life, it looks like that may be happening whether I wanted it to or not. Such is the nature of adventures.

*This isn’t entirely true. What actually occurred was I realized I was winning by an increasing margin, and began feeling bad about it. EJ, having figured out I didn’t love winning and did love apologizing, asked how I felt about this. I said I wanted to feel good, but mostly I knew that even if I won, the fleeting feeling would be overshadowed by knowing that in my winning, someone else had lost.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.