#EpicFind: Deep ... Deep ... Inside Craigslist

OOOHH craigslist, you are totes poached pumpernickel on my poppy seed bagel. MMMM BAGEL!!!!!!!!

Looky looky what I just found on Craigslist ...

It says ... AND I QUOTE:

Need help with a duck

---

I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck - thats the short story

I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year.

She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean.

Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears.

Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office.....

Is there an online dating service for ducks?

Hey I've heard them all.

Lemme know....

Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious :)

**************** UPDATE ******************

Thank you Craigslist people who have sent me a link to

plentyofduck

I probably misrepresented the hen as well... in heat or something..... (SORRY HEN)

Well, of course it took about 2 minutes to find a greenhead and they are a happy couple.. See Pic #2

Now.. I'm changing gears...

I'm having a fundraiser so that they can get a room... and do what they are doing now..... not in my pool...........

If you STILL want to relocate the ducks, they need a honeymoon suite..... somewhere else...

Glad someone (something) is making the best of this warm evening

THIS IS NOT A JOKE !!!!!!!!!


************* LAST UPDATE ******************

WOW ...... this went way out of hand...

NO I WILL NOT MAKE A PORN DUCK SITE!!!!!!!!!!! You Craigslist >>>&^&&^%&% ... people scare me.... read a book or something

#epic

#EpicFind: Deep ... Deep ... Inside Craigslist

OOOHHH Craigslist!!! You are the viola to my virginal vortex of red sugar free vines. ::sigh::

Looky looky what I just found ...

It says ... AND I QUOTE ...

Once Upon a Hanson Fan

When I was fifteen, I really thought I'd marry Taylor Hanson. No, not just like every other fifteen-year-old Hanson fan, circa 1995, but REALLY.

Plan failed. Now I've found my old, embarrassing collection of Hanson crap and I want it out of my house. Here's what your new collection includes:

- Ten or so VHS tapes of Hanson appearances, including two official Hanson-released tour videos, "Tulsa, Tokyo & The Middle of Nowhere" & "The Road to Albertane." (My mother cannot be blamed for encouraging this obsession.)
- A cassette tape of Hanson radio interviews, songs, crap, etc. (I win for most devoted fan.)
- Four cd cases (cds not included) of their first-released albums. (Sorry, but I still rock out to their Christmas album, "Snowed In.")
- Two BIG albums FULL of Hanson clippings, posters, other crap, etc. (Except the one my mom tore up because I refused to sing my older sister "Happy Birthday" one year.)


If you or any of your "friends" love, once loved, or plan to eventually love this band, PLEASE take this stuff off my hand. It holds enough sentimental value that I don't want to just chuck it into my recyclables bin, and god knows Goodwill won't appreciate the hard work that went into this collection. I mean shit, if you even SORT OF like Hanson, or just want to give your boss the most awesome of joke gifts. TAKE IT. And immediately. I will hand it over happily. Even if you just want to see it all out of morbid curiosity and plan on giving it to a homeless person...

Well, no, don't do that. That's mean. Just take my crap.

#epic

#EpicFind: Deep ... Deep ... Inside Craigslist

Ohhhhhhh sweet ... sweet ... sweet Craigslist. Do you ever stop giving? Like ever? Does awesomeness just organically pour out from your core? *sigh*

Looky looky what I just found on Craigslist...

It says ... AND I QUOTE:

Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.

WANTED:

One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives.

We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem!

Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for "precious". This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only.

#epic

#EpicFind: Deep ... Deep ... Inside Craigslist

Way to make my life Mr. Craig with your epic list! Looky looky what I just found ...

It says, AND I QUOTE:

Seeking Bodyguard named Betty

I am a Paul Simon fan in my mid thirties. As my name is Al, for the past 20 years I've been searching for a friend named Betty with whom I could sing the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al." Imagine how much fun we could have singing along with the lyrics and pointing at each other when our names are mentioned! We could sing it together on road trips with the windows down, at home with our stereos cracked loud, we can smile at each other knowingly when it's played in gas stations and grocery stores and text each other when we're apart and it comes on the radio. I'm especially looking forward to acting out our own version of the classic Paul Simon Chevy Chase music video. We can post it on Youtube!

Just to be clear, I'm not really looking for a bodyguard (that's a lyric from the song haha!) just a friend named Betty.

If you want we could maybe sing other Paul Simon songs at some point but I'd really rather we stick with our namesakes You Can Call Me Al. Of course I want proof your name is really Betty so when we meet I'll need to see a state issued photo ID with that name. I'll also accept Elizabeth, Roberta or Beatrix.

Please write back soon I can't wait to hang out
Sincerely
-Your long lost pal!!!


#amazing

#EpicFind: Deep ... Deep ... Inside Craigslist

Oh craigslist. Sweet craigslist. You're like a fine wine, you get weirder with age.

Looky looky what I just found ...

it says ... AND I QUOTE:

1986 Chevy conversion van stolen from my shed in Springfield on Sunday.
DESCRIPTION: dark grey color, side and back rear windows covered in silver duck tape, and sprayed
over with black spray paint.
**I was planning on turning it into bus for my church, that's why the windows look like that.
people know me would back me up on that so I'm not worried about it.

VERY PERSONAL private, personal items inside
1- two sets of police-style handcuffs... very valuable. steel locks. I have the key ,so you can't use them anyway, I would really love to have these back for sentimentel reasons.
2- There might also be some old magazines too maybe, but they aren't mine.
My neighbor asked me to store them inside of my van so his wife wouldn'tcatch him looking at them, they are not mine, but I would like them back so he doesn't get in any kind of trouble for looking at that sort of thing. We all sin, but god knows our heart! (corinthians 5-17)

**There is some home-made like VCR tapes too that aren't mine. believe me, I go to church all the time, and people who know me will tell you that I would NEVER look at stuff like that,
but it would be real nice if I could just return them to their rightful owner so people don't think I look
at crap like that. God knows that I don't and that's what's important.
Please let me know if you have seen this vehicle!! This really hurt my plans for the weekend
any information would be appreciated! God Bless! 

#amazing