<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Me? Date?
I've been single for over 5 months now and I just can't bring myself to go on a date. I still hang out with my ex all the time and I'm pissed scared to go on a first date as I technically never really have. The last time I was single I was 20 and in college. At that stage of life it wasn't so official. So even talking to someone at a bar is a big deal for me. As I've started to dip my toe in the dating pool, I've had some funny encounters with guys (there have, of course, been positive encounters as well).
Jen kindly, but firmly pushed me to open an OKCupid account. OkCupid has just been a place for me to secretly blush and do nothing; men write to me, I kinda freak, smile and then never write them back. I just can't bring myself to do it. I've been really impressed by how sweet a lot of guys are out there. Especially impressed because this is Los Angeles; a city I partially blame for my breakup. I've been amazed at how not a single email that I have received has been overtly sexually suggestive. In fact, so far I've only gotten one negative email. In response to the question about what I'm doing with my life I wrote in that I work on HTML all day (btw, love the logic of HTML, the rainbow of colors that Dreamweaver makes and watching my edits in the code render in design mode), I got this:
Dude, I can't write you back...girls aren't taught to read and write, remember?
There's only been one other occasion so far of a guy being douchy to me. While out at the local bar with Jen a group of guys start chatting us up. One of the guys starts talking to me and eventually we land on what we each do for work. I give him a brief description of what I do (Email Marketing: a lot of proofing, a lot of HTML). He tells me what he does, graphic design work for a porn something or other. Then he makes what is one of the largest faux pas (certainly in the professional realm); he asks me how much money I make.
I'm not into this dude. Regardless, I've very out of practice at talking to dudes. I got nervous and I actually answered him. It was one of those moments where you have an out of body experience. You can hear the words coming out of your mouth and at the same time you are screaming at yourself, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
And then he makes it worse. "Really? That's how much I make. Wait, you make the same amount as I do, doing what you do? That's not fair."
At this point I was so done with this conversation. But somehow I find myself reassuring him that it's okay that he's making this amount. I told him that he doesn't know exactly what goes into my job and that there are other factors that go into how much someone gets paid. I ask him if this is his first job out of college. He says yes. I explain to him that this is my third job and I have more work experience than him. Apparently, I have more tact than him as well. I was so insulted and also annoyed at myself for going down this route of conversation.
Guys, this isn't going to work. This isn't the playground. If you punch me in the arm or throw sand in my face, you'll get my attention, but it won't be positive.
Even when guys are nice, I often don't make things easy for myself.
I'm constantly at war with my Jewish side, I'm half bagel. I get anxious and stressed out really easily (pot helps stabilize). Like talking to dudes isn't hard enough, throw in the amazing ability to always be nervous. Also, I'm a complete control freak (to the point where I hardly ever get drunk). I greatly prefer approaching a guy that I know I'm into then have some dude that I'm not really vibing come over and talk to me. I feel like the situation is out of my hands. So when they do, I pretty much wig out. So yeah, even when I'm not into a guy, actually especially when I'm not sure that I'm into them, I freak. When it's a good, organic conversation I can soar over mountaintops. But I stumble in LA potholes when they come up to me.
So, as I've mentioned, I get so effing nervous at bars and clubs. Back in March I went out with some girlfriends and we ended up downtown. We bar hopped for a bit before landing at a cheesy club. Clubs have never and will never be my thing (which is ironic because I grew up in Miami/Fort Lauderdale) and this one was especially not my style. It looked like a poor imitation of Las Vegas. I decide at the go that anyone hanging out here is prolly not for me (not very open, huh?). After we all get our drinks I notice this one dude staring me down. I promptly freaked out. I tried my hardest to avoid this guy. At one point I could really tell he was about to make his move. I then literally bolted, grabbing a friend and telling her I needed to use the bathroom. As I walked by he tried to even talk to me and I just kept walking (it was really loud, to him it was completely plausible that I just didn't hear him, I'm not a complete bitch)!
This other dude came over and made polite conversation. I finagled my way outta there! He wasn't a bad looking dude, but I was three weeks out of a 7 year relationship - damaged goods! He then came up to me again a bit later and this time there was no way out. My friend literally kicked me in the butt to push me in his direction! I learned he was studying to be a doctor, which scored him some points, but overall if I can't talk to you about music, movies, TV, anime or comics I'm not really down. Even so, I got really nervous. I was drinking a vodka tonic in this hard plastic cup. The kind that kinda looks like glass. I got so nervous talking to a dude I wasn't even into that I cracked the cup all the way down the side! My mind immediately went into damage control mode as I waited for my wrist and arm to get covered with liquid. For whatever reason, it didn't all immediately leak out everywhere (Are you there God? It's me, Julie). I quickly threw the rest of the drink back and laughed inside all while maintaining the conversation.
All part of the Julie charm, lol. I'm not worried though, I know when it's right I'll shine. Now if I could just make myself return an email on OkCupid...
...Baby steps, Jules, you'll get there.
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Friday, August 19, 2011 at 10:56AM
Trying on dresses in September 2010
