#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Telling The Story of Our Ending

Ein and II've wanted to tell the story of our breakup since I started writing back in May. I've been scared to. Really scared. The way our relationship ended was bullshit. My ex was horrible to me, he really was. But I still can't forget that for 7 entire years he was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my partner in crime, the guy that helped me in any way that I asked him to, the person who taught me about comics, anime and showed me so many movies that I had somehow not yet seen. He helped me come out of my shell, become social. He made me dinner all the time. We got a cat and then got a dog together. We went from not having any money to finally being able to the things we wanted. We moved from Tallahassee to Orlando to Los Angeles together. He called my mother Mom and she got him cards that said Son. We picked out our children's names. I thought I could actually do the whole parenting thing if it was with him by my side. I told him I couldn't wait until the day when I would wake up and see him and our son watching Spiderman cartoons together. We planned to always be in each other's lives.

Not only did we not get that but I got the most fucked up break up from him. I know that there are no easy break ups, that no matter what they suck. But I deserved better from this person. I deserved some fucking respect. So I feel like in telling this story it makes his assholeness public. That there is no going back. I can never get back together with him if I tell all of you what he did to me. I guess that's a good thing but I can still see a whole 7 years of awesomeness in my mind. What do you do with that? 7 years of great marred by 6 months of suck. Does it negate everything else? Do people not fuck up? Everyone makes mistakes. Jesus knew it, you know it, I know it. But people get pissed at Rihanna when she makes contact with Chris Brown.

I was hoping I would make it through this awful anniversary without too much heartache. I'm in a much better place than I was even a month ago. I got the most disturbing phone call Sunday morning from an acquaintance. "Are (my ex) and (mutual friend) dating now? I saw them together at a party last night..." Great, just great. They probably aren't but I'm done with this awkward situation. I do not need this. Also, I will NOT be going to the West Hollywood Carnival (flamboyant term simply meaning "closing down Santa Monica Boulevard") this year as I did last year and the year before that. I need to make this year different.

I just saw him for the first time in almost two months to give him papers from the filing cabinet and for him to drop off our dog. We had an awkward hug. He looked at me and asked, "Are you going to cry?" "I already am", I responded. He put the bag he was holding down and gave me a real hug. We stood there like that for a bit. We talked about his family. He mentioned there is a new Miyazaki film. I don't know if he was hoping I would say that we have to watch it together. I'll just take my sweet time getting to it. I still haven't even watched How I Met Your Mother without him. I asked him what his costume is this year. He said, "I'm just being me" and held up his phone to show me a picture. It was a picture of him dressed normally, but with devil horns. Very emo, but it shows how this person knows they have made some epic mistakes in the last year, he's incredibly guilt ridden. Ah, I miss him. But I like not hurting anymore more.

At least I have my doggie Einstein now! Oh, I've missed my little boy Ein so much!

I honestly can't believe it has been a whole year since my life got completely turned upside down and everything I thought I had, I didn't. I want to write everything out to help me and to help anyone out there who feels like they are the only one who has had something awful like this happen to them. I spoke to him a few months back about how guilty I felt about putting our lives out there for people to read. He actually gave me his blessing to write it all out. So, to mark this occasion, I'll put it all out there.

Just go easy on me if I can't say no to him in the future. I was 100% ready to say "for better or worse...I do". He is the love of my life after all.

Stay tuned nerds.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Challenge: 36 hours alone

If you're thinking that this doesn't seem to be much of a challenge, well, maybe you are lucky enough to have never gotten so attached to someone that when they exited your life you felt completely lost. It's overwhelming to then have that person infect every second of your thoughts. Then, try and sit still. I haven't really sat still in almost a year. Some weeks I have gone out every night of the week. Before that, when I was in a relationship, I stayed in almost every night of the week. Jen is out of town this weekend for her date with @StevenBWard, so I have the place to myself. Perfect time to present myself with another challenge (the 1st being that I went on my first date in 8 years on Sunday!). Sitting still now drives me completely crazy, I always feel that I need to keep movin', keep shakin'!

Friday night after work I found myself feeling exhausted. Yes, Jen and I did go out the night before, but didn't even party hard. I think I'm gonna stay in and conk out before midnight. Here's where I start my challenge: stay in, don't hang out with anyone, slow down and take some time to relax and be with myself.

October 21, 2011, 10:30pm - Start texting with a friend from high school, my closest male friend Pablo. He just got out of a 5 year relationship. He wants to start dating but since there is actually hope of them getting back together, doesn't want to hurt her feelings by dating a friend or anyone where it will get back to her. I suggest OKCupid to him and open it up on my phone.

11:05pm - For whatever stupid reason, I search for my ex on okc, knowing that he uses the same username for everything. And I find him. FML!

11:12pm - Well, I'm awake now so I call Pablo.

3:00am - Hang up with Pablo (which for him is 6 in the morning!).

October 22,2011, 11:00am - Wake up, instantly start stalking on facebook, trying to figure out if my ex did in fact travel to Florida for a wedding or not (I'm suspicious he doesn't want to let my see our dog anymore and if he is in Florida and didn't let me watch the dog I'm going to be very upset). Results are inconclusive. I start to feel like I am going to be very depressed today and then decide that I do not want to go down that path. I let myself feel these sad feeling and then push them away. This is like what you learn in meditating, you will never not have thoughts, you have to acknowledge them and move on.

11:30am - Spend time on OKC trying to land a 2nd date for my 30 day challenge. Get frustrated.

12:15pm - Go to yoga, which kicks off my Saturday ritual. Good chance to recenter for the week.

2:00pm - Stop by Subway after yoga and get my usual. I decide this is most definitely a day to get a chocolate chip cookie.

2:10pm -call another high school friend, who also just got out of a long term relationship, Beth, and talk to her about finding ex on OKC.

2:27pm - Begin my post yoga tradition: eat sub, jam out (James Morrison "Wonderful World"), smoke pot, and watch Parenthood.

3:45pm - Hear a song that is now my theme song: Laura Jensen "Single Girls". I can't even believe how much this one song encapsulates my life in the past 7 months.

4:00pm - I think about going to visit my neighbor and then remember what I am trying to accomplish today.

4:05pm - Smoke more pot. Eat my subway chocolate chip cookie.

4:08pm - Back on OKC. Have to write someone back. Don't want to. Augustana's "I Still Ain't Over You" plays in the background as a write this dude back who's profile I looked at earlier today.

4:35pm - Doing some yoga arm balances. Remember I was totes in the middle of writing this post. Whoops.

4:53pm - Go get the mail. Something for Jen and something for my ex. Poo.

5:03pm - Dance around house. Practice ballroom dance steps. Relive days when part of a swing dance troupe.

5:05pm - Watch The Secret Circle.

6:03pm - Call yet another friend from high school and catch up, discuss her upcoming wedding. Watch sun set from my kitchen window.

7:31pm - Call Mom back, talk about ex.

7:47pm - Realize how late it is and that I need to procure some food before it gets even later.

8:22pm - Look up and see that I've spent a half hour on OKC. I'm really trying here, but I just don't really dig this whole online dating thing.

8:45pm - Pick up food, come home and watch Jersey Shore while eating.

9:20pm - Pause show and start thinking about my ex. I have a lot of day dreams that start with "I wish I could go back to a year ago today". There are literally only days left where I can even think that. I found out about everything on Halloween night. I don't even care that things weren't even that amazing a year ago. I just wish I could go back in time and give my ex the biggest squeeze and just hold him tight. Not even to try and change anything, just because at the time I could do that and it wouldn't be all weird like it would be now.

9:50pm - Decide I can't do this to myself and that I need a greater distraction than TV to keep my mind off of him.

10:00pm - Wander around the house for a bit, end up back on the couch, and close the night with 2 hours of TV.

October 23, 2011, 11:11am - Holy crap, I slept this late? Sunday mornings have yet to get easier for me. You never get used to waking up alone it seems.

11:30am - Make coffee, finally put away the dishes that Jen washed.

12:00pm - TV, internet, and coffee....yeah for Sunday mornings...err afternoons.

1:10pm - Eat lunch followed by a tangerine. Check out Nothing Rhymes with Orange on facebook. Giggle.

1:30pm - 10 minute meditation. Need help so I burn incense, put on some music and light a candle to look at in case I want to open my eyes.

1:45pm - Shower.

2:30pm - Get dressed because in three hours I will be going to a concert!!!

3:30pm - Start Phase II of getting my room in order (phase I was me building a bookshelf and putting all of my books out of boxes and onto the shelves), which involves going through a large box of clothes that I haven't even looked at in over a year. This project should take me right up to 5:30 when @christinadeleon gets here to go to the concert with me.

I did it! I think it was important for me to take some me time, slow down, get a lot of sleep and just have fun doing nothing. I feel relaxed and I got the DVR down from 89%.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

This is What My Breakup Sounds Like

As I've said before, music is everything to me. As time has gone on, I've acquired a new soundtrack to the heart ache and my current life experiences.

The Seatbelts "Adieu"
"I stand alone, and watch you fade away like clouds
High up and in the sky
I'm strong and so cold
As I stand alone
Goodbye, So long, Adieu."
Cowboy Bebop has a big place in my heart and the soundtrack does as well. Saying good-bye sounds so final, it's easier to say in another language.

Lady Gaga "Bad Romance"
I'm super late to the game with Gaga. I don't usually take pop stars seriously. But this is one bad-ass bitch. There's nothing more gratifying that singing along when she says, "Cause I'm a free bitch baby!"

Cults "Abducted"
"He tore me apart because I really loved him
He took my heart away and left me to bleed out, bleed out
He broke my heart because I really loved him
He took it all away and left me to bleed out, bleed out"

Lissie "When I'm Alone With You"
"Remind me of home when you're around me. The next time you leave don't go without me. No, don't go. No. Yeah! Cuz you make me feel, you make me feel, that you are the one, you are the one. And when I'm alone with you, you make me feel and you make me feel. Yeah when I'm alone with you you are the one and you are the one."
For the part in us that screams, "Please don't go!!"

Delta Spirit "Bushwack Blues"
While I love, love DS this isn't really my soundtrack. It's his. For him it's all in the line "Because my love is strong And my heart is weak after all". For me I like to think he also identifies with the line "Because I think of you In every girl I meet It's no relief"

Belle and Sebastian "Get Me Away From here I'm Dying"
I just want to escape from life sometimes. This song nails that feeling for me perfectly. It even plays in Forgetting Sarah Marshall when he's crying over her.

Sara Bareilles "Gravity"
"Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity"
She's not one of my favs... in fact if I hear "Love Song" one more time I'll explode but this song is amazing.

Dolorean "Country Clutter"
"If you find anything I left behind, well, you can have it"
The price of a break up can vary for each person, each couple. Sometimes you just don't care what got left in the other person's possession, as long as you are free.

Ahn Trio and Susie Suh "All I Want"
"Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short
But do you know
it doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day?
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got."
I recently went to an AHmazing vaudville burlesque show here in Hollywood with the awesome @christinadeleon and there was a beautiful heart wrenching performance to this song. The kind where you hold your breath until it's over. The dancers did such a good job acting that it made me believe they were going through a break up.

Britney Spears "Stronger"
Because you have to have something to dance to. =)

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

 I feel like I should give a bit of insight as to why I actually miss this person so much. The story of our engagement is a good one.

It was 2007 and my ex and I were home for the holidays and we decided to spend Christmas at his grandparent's house in Key Largo along with his father.

We started in Ft. Lauderdale at a holiday function that his mom's side of the family was throwing. These people just about ruined the surprise that had yet to come, but luckily my ex is a good actor and I'm gullible. One of the first people we spoke to at this party was his cousin who told us "Congratulations!". I was so confused, I remember going up to his mom and being like, "Do these people think I'm pregnant or something? What's going on?" I was so clueless, I had no idea, we were so poor I never even imagined he would get the money to buy the ring in order to propose. But his grandparents used to own a jewelry store and they had helped out with the ring. I'll never forget speaking with his grandmother and seeing her eyes ever so slightly watering as she smiled at me.

Then on December 23, we went out on the boat fishing with his amazing grandfather (The man is about 80 years old and can catch a lobster on the ocean floor in 15 feet of water). When we got back it was clear that a lot of people had done the exact same thing that day. After everyone cleans their day's catch they throw the unwanteds over the edge of the dock. Then the stingrays swim by to feast. I walked over to the edge of the dock, laid down and watched the stingrays (and a nurse shark!) in delight. Then I helped clean the fish and we brought everything back to give to his grandmother to be made into a tropical holiday dinner the next night.

On Christmas Eve, after cocktails and dinner we were all just hanging out. It was around 6:00pm and I was on his grandmother's computer putzing around when my ex announced that he was going for a walk. Of course I chimed in with, "I'll go with you!" which is exactly what he was counting on.

As we often did when visiting we took a stroll down to the dock. We walked to the end where there is a single lamp. It's really beautiful there at night. I knew that since it was night there wouldn't be any stingrays still hanging out but I looked over the edge anyways. I turned around and there he was directly behind me crouched down. I couldn't see well as it was really dark. I walked over and kneeled down.

"What are you doing?"

"Julie, stand up" (we would laugh about this afterwards).

Then I saw the jewelry box and realized that he was not crouching, but was on one knee.

"OH! I stood up.

I remember how shocked and surprised I felt in that moment. And of course, how overwhelmingly happy I was as I said yes.

Neither of us even knew which hand the ring was supposed to go on (there's really no right or wrong with this, different cultures follow different rules). So he just put it on my right ring finger.

We walked back to his grandparent’s house. I remember laughing and asking, "What would you have done if I hadn't come out with you?" He said, "I was never worried, I knew that you would". When we got back his grandmother actually thought I said no because she didn't see the ring on my left hand. After she realized that we were in fact engaged she explained to both of us that the fourth finger of the left hand is considered to be the veina amoris or the "vein of love", which means that the veins are directly connected to the heart. His family had champagne and an engagement present waiting for us. I later wrote on myspace on December 30, 2007 that "it was the best Christmas present!"
 
It didn't last obviously. But, at least for that night, there was another person in this big world who thought that he wanted no one else in it but me.

I'll always have that.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

The Price Of Being A Loner

He was my everything.

It's saying to the person you are with, "No pressure or anything, hun, but you're my whole life."

I've realized that's a big reason why this breakup has hit me so hard. I let so very few people in. Now that I don't have a lover or a best friend, I'm really lonely.

My ex was a social crutch for me. He was so many things that I wanted to be. Charismatic, independent, funny and very social. I watched the way he interacted with people and took notes. When I first met him, my new social life was exciting. All of a sudden I had a whole new group of friends! Around the same time I met him I started to wait tables. There's nothing like walking up to a table of strangers and pretending to be their best friend to make you learn to open up.

I never fit in as a kid. Other kids just never got me. Summer day camp is a perfect childhood example of my social awkwardness. School was hard but I could usually find one or two people that liked me. Summer camp though? Not so much. (Thank goodness for the existence of books. They hid my face when no one wanted to play with me . They allowed me friends when I had none.) The summer day camp I went to was housed in a local middle school. We would often go over to the gym area and play racquetball . Some of us, either the girly or not so athletic types would hang out in the hallway and make lanyards. One day one of the counselors put his foot down and declared that all of us had to participate, that none of us could sit out making lanyards today. I was really bummed, but I went up to this one group that contained a friend and asked if I could join. The leader girl looked me right in the face and told me no, all with a smirk on her face. I asked around and couldn't find a group to join. I ended up hanging out with the female counselors doing guess what? Making lanyards. I remember being really surprised that they let me, but I also knew that they understood that I was the outcast.

The moment I stopped giving people that much power over me at 14, I was cool being a loner and made a bunch of friends. The moment you don't care, people want to be around you. But back to college. I had just ended my first year at Florida State and it didn't go so swell in that I barely made any friends my first year there. It was a complete social failure. And then I met him. It was like a way out of social rejection. He already had friends to hang out with. So, I let him make the friends and then I got to hang out with them with the added bonus that I didn't have to be the one to maintain the friendship. Perfect for someone who never seemed to get it right. Now, I'm not incapable of making friends and I definitely had my own circle from my restaurant job, but over the years it was just easier to hang with his friends. My ex is really funny and tells it like it is. Which is awesome because it filtered out the riff raff; the assholes and the high maintenance girls, buuuuut if that girl happens to be someone you work with and she is capable of making your life at work miserable because she's besties with the manager, having a boyfriend with no filter might just suck at times. Like I said, just easier to hang out with people who obviously liked his colorful personality, his friends.
 
Compound all of that with the fact that we moved a couple of times. After I finished up college at Florida State, he realized typical college wasn't for him and he wanted to go to an art/tech college in Orlando. Not my ideal city to live in, but I didn't have any sort of plan so I was cool with the move. So we started over, made all new friends. And then left them all and moved to Los Angeles so he could get into animation (again, I was more than down to move to LA. I looked at it as an adventure). The move to Los Angeles crippled me. We were so broke and thousands of miles away from all of our family and friends. I grew up in a very nice suburb outside of Fort Lauderdale. Everything was brand new. And clean. LA is not clean. It's smoggy and local businesses aren’t even allowed to hose off the area outside of their stores because it wastes water, just sweep it (some do anyways of course). It was a lot for me to take in. One of my first days there I saw a bum piss on the back of a bus stop bench. I freaked. My ex laughed and said, "Welcome to LA!" as I turned pale. So at this point I have no close friends because I keep moving away from them. The city intimidates me. Plus, I sold my car and we are now down to one car, a stick shift that I couldn't drive. Now I physically relied on him as well. 9 months after moving to Los Angeles, I got my current job. I just didn't feel like any of my coworkers liked me or were interested in hanging out with me. Plus, massive sized company and I had only ever worked at companies where there were about 50 employees total, so I felt invisible. My social anxiety kicked in at this point. Hard. I was convinced everyone hated me and I made myself miserable. More clinging to my ex. He very literally at this point became my everything.

When we were breaking up, I realized that I really didn't have anyone out here on this coast. There was work to be done. On ME and MY LIFE.

I've had no choice in recent months but to go outside of my comfort zone, drop the social anxiety that had been plaguing me for two years and make friends. And I have. I am very pleased with the way that once I really made an effort to meet new people I did. Once you open yourself to something and your energy reflects that change people recognize it.

Although, there's nothing like having tons of people around you to make you feel alone, like no one really knows you. No one out here really does know me. Except for him, the person who knows me better than anyone else on this entire planet. But I will continue to forge ahead and keep trying.  There is no other option. Sink or swim.

I can't stress enough how important it is in a long term relationship to keep your own identity! It is so easy to just melt together into one person. I've seen so many couples just slowly give up little pieces of themselves for the other person until they don't have their own identity. The tricky part about this is that in a way it feels so good to do this for another person. And who wants to think about the breakup when you're waist deep in love? Well, think of it this way: you are not only protecting yourself in case you and your other half break up but you are actually preserving the relationship by maintaining a level of mystique and thus keeping yourself interesting to the other party.

I was talking to one of my best friends the other week about this. She also just got out of a long term relationship (7 years). We are each other's sponsors, lol, for moral support.

Her: I can't believe how much I just gave up for her.

Me: Yeah, I know, like how do you forget about the most important person in your life? YOU!

Her: Seriously. I would have never gone to that awesome lecture if I was still with her. I would have rushed home instead. But ya know what? I know this is fucked up, but I would do it all over again if we got back together.

Me: Yeah, so would I. And that's what I'm afraid of.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter