#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Get Me Outta Here!

I think I’ll always love my ex but I’m finally at the point of frustration with the whole situation. It’s not that I can’t handle seeing him once a week and then function fine the rest of the week, it’s that I feel as though I am stuck in limbo. My friend just got out of a 6 year relationship and is going out on a date tonight. Theirs was a bit more on again off again whereas ours wasn’t, but still. Already going on a date!! I think the issue for me might lie in the fact that I don’t have any experience going out with someone just once or twice and that’s it. Or with having a fuck buddy that wasn’t previously a boyfriend. I just have so little dating experience.

My feelings of frustration were brought on because of my trip to New Jersey. First off, I had the best time! It was so great to see my family! AAAnd we had an amazing seafood fest! So yummy. I’m born and raised in Florida but NJ feels more like home then Florida does. My brother and I stayed up for two hours talking about how our parents ripped us off by moving the family to Florida and away from everyone.

When it comes to living in Los Angeles, it can be kinda tough. I often feel that I’m near the bottom of the food chain out here, career wise. Just something that tends to be in the back of my mind, on the flip it’s also very inspiring to be around so many ambitious people. Well, out there, they treated me as though I was a fucking rock star. It was pretty great. So, the seafood fest was also my cousin’s birthday and he invited at least 10 dudes over. They were all so un-LA. Like, I’m pretty sure not a one of them would have known the term “start-up”. Pretty refreshing. I gave a big friendly hello to this one guy but soon I felt myself immediately revert and put up a wall. Plus, I was honestly more interested in seeing my family and spending time with them. My brother noticed that I wasn’t hanging out with any of my cousin’s friends and asked, “Why aren’t they talking to you?”. I explained that my energy wasn’t open and he nodded in understanding, “That’s what I thought”, he replied. Well, at one point the guy that I had said hi to sat down next to my 80+ year old Nana and starting talking to her (so effing adorable!) and then roped me into the conversation. I was attracted to him but I think it was more about how he’s NOT like the people I interact with on a daily basis. Such a Jersey boy!! He has a large Phillies tattoo on his leg and told me he didn’t think he could ever leave the state. It just made me think about family and how I’m so far away from mine and now so far away from starting my own. So, as my usual, I did nothing to actually show him that I thought it would be fun to hang out. He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the night and I gave him an answer I don’t regret, “Hanging out here!”. He and his friend left shortly after. I don’t think no matter what I would have left the party. But I do wish that had I talked to him more and acted more interested. Someone across the country to hang out with, which duh Julie, means no commitment. The Universe gave me what I was looking for and I shot it down.

I guess L.A. really makes me miss nature. I stood outside before a storm reveling in feeling the pressure drop and the wind pick up while watching the dark clouds roll in. I was in love with all of the trees everywhere and made sure to hang out with the trees for a bit. Since sexual frustration starting setting in at this time, I also spent some time thinking about the logistics of trying to have sex in a wooded area (I’m thinking that a blanket is required, but then it’s planned and that’s boring). Oh, and then, in my head, while having sex, it starts raining (something that also sounds better than it actually is in reality).

My ex texted me a few days ago asking for the url to "Jen's website". I asked him why and he told me that he wanted to turn his book into a blog and he wanted to see it as a reference. EEK! I’d like for him to get to a better place before reading all of my writings. I just told him to check out wordpress and tumblr. He said he hoped that him starting a blog didn’t upset me. Quite the opposite!!! It makes me feel so much better about putting our life out there for the public to read. I stress out about how everything I say about him would make him feel and how people that I know IRL that read my writings will look at me (obviously the cathartic process of writing and positive validation far outweigh these worries).

Last weekend I was hanging out with some coworkers and for about 5 minutes of conversation my situation was discussed (any longer and I would have been annoyed, I love writing about all of this, hate talking about it). One of my friends starting talking about when she almost got back together with an ex. He was making her breakfast or dinner and she was sitting there and got this overwhelming feeling of “Get Me Outta Here!” and then preceded to come up with a bullshit excuse to leave. He started crying and got very upset but she had to go. I hung out with my ex on Sunday and while I always have a nice time, I started to experience the “Get Me Outta Here!” feeling. I seriously could hear her voice in my head. Over the month of August he’s started to realize that I’m pulling away. I’ve been avoiding a straight to the punch conversation with him because I didn’t want to have to be the bad guy. I know I’m not but I didn’t want to have to see him cry. Wednesday night he texted me to ask if I had weekend plans. I replied, “workin on some stuff”. I guess he figured I was being elusive and replied, “I feel like this is all kinda one sided. So I’ll back off…”.

Thank you, thank you for doing that for me so I didn’t have to be the one to say it!

It’s now Thursday and Labor Day weekend is looming. I’m feeling really stressed out and levels of depression are creeping up that I’ve been able to hold at bay for some time. I hate holiday weekends. Haven’t enjoyed one since 2010. They just represent this gaping amount of time that I need to fill. It takes an extreme amount of energy for this loner to reach out to people and make plans. It is draining. Yet, I’m still currently unable to just chill by myself and be cool with it. It’s like I’m constantly trying to prove to myself that I can do this, I can make friends and be a social being. That being said, it took a lot to stop seeing my ex right before the holiday weekend.

Aaaaand I cried at my desk for the first time in months.

I love you, but I’m sorry, I’m too tired to keep this going.

#brokenheart

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

"You Read Comic Books? Seriously? That's So Hot."

Kevin Herman's recent posts about geek chic got me thinking about mine and how it really does help in the dating scene.

I first realized this a couple months back. It's March and I'm about 3 weeks out of my 7 1/2 year relationship. I'm at a bar in Silverlake and I've found myself talking to this guy (Yay! First out of the relationship bar chat with a dude). The topic finds its way to Hayao Miyazaki films (Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle), which are some of my favorites.
<Seriously, you need to see these beautiful and always well done movies!>

I could see the surprise in this guy's face that I was a girl AND so honestly enamored with these films. It was right then that I realized my ex had given me a wonderful gift, he had made me into a full on nerd!

I was already pretty nerdy in my own right before him; loved Neil Gaiman, The Sandman series, Sailor Moon, Æon Flux, The Max, Star Wars, Star Trek (yeah, I like both - deal), Syfy channel, Sliders, watched the BeastMaster series on Saturdays, was a huge book worm and even bigger music lover.

My older brother is my original nerd sensei. I grew up watching Star Wars with him and played Dungeons & Dragons (my character was an Elf, btw).

My dad, brother and I would watch Star Trek and Next Gen together all the time. I may even have had a tiny crush on Commander Riker (so manly!). And LeVar Burton!! I would have followed that guy to the ends of the earth after growing up watching Reading Rainbow (ultimate childhood bookworm show). I loved Next Gen so much that after it ended, I never watched another Star Trek series. I can recite the opening credits in my sleep and know the slight differences between the two.

I think my ex made me into a well rounded nerd when he introduced me to comics, anime and Japanese culture, the bliss of Mario Kart, Marx brothers, Woody Allen and Bruce Campbell. He taught me the difference between Marvel vs. DC and rewatched so many movies with me to catch me up to speed. I can't tell you how many of our conversations went like this:

Him: "You've NEVER seen ______?? How have you made it this far without having seen this?
Me: "I dunno, I spent a lot of time watching weird indie movies as a teenager."
Him: "I just can't believe you've never seen it!"

When I first signed up for OkCupid I was so amazed by what dudes chose to pull out of my profile and comment on. The majority of messages I've received comment about all of my nerdities:



Both dudes are referring to the shirt I'm wearing in the pic above, and yes, my Pembroke Welsh Corgi is named Ein, after the data dog in Cowboy Bebop (which far and away gets the most comments).

Note the master shield from when my ex and I were Link and Zelda.
Speaking of my dog...


Ooohhh I feel bad just rereading this one. This is one of two (haha two! I'm the biggest chickenshit ever [the other dude was dressed in a Harry Potter costume and I more or less told him that was hot]) guys that I actually wrote back. He even wanted to hang out with both of our dogs. I felt so bad using the dog as a connection with someone. I felt like a liar. He thinks I named my dog Ein, but technically my ex did. Yes, I was 200% onboard, but not my idea. My cat's name however was my idea. Her name is Luna. And then we tacked on Faye. Luna Faye's a bit more Faye than Luna, she used to scratch us a lot.


Back to Bebop:



FTR: "Tank!" is the best opening theme song. Ever. I was anti-anime when my ex started watching and it was this song that first piqued my interest (big music lover, remember?). And I love the ending, even though it's sad. Every piece of that show is genius.

Remember what I said about Miyazaki?



It's a toss up between Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away.

General anime notes:

I was stoned when we watched this and I can barely remember it.

A couple celebrate the "Just Julie" interests:

Finally, comics! Prior to my ex the only comics I read were Garfield and The Sandman.

I'm currently reading The Saga of Rex (or technically looking at pretty pictures since a fox is the protagonist and there is no dialog) and I need to get back into air.

Ahhhh, the age old question: Marvel or DC? The only possible argument greater could be Star Wars or Star Trek. I'm gonna say as far as old school comic heroes go, Marvel, baby. Nerdy love = saying to your man "Go get 'em tiger". I also really dig Anita Blake. But I'm a goth at heart (no really, I wore all black in high school) and I just love, love Vertigo, which is DC.

It's almost too easy. All I have to do is mention comic books or anime and dudes lose it. Their eyes get all wide and they look at me in amazement.

Obviously, I wear my nerd flag on my forehead. I got a sad letter from a dude about this topic in the vice-versa, which I guess explains all of the above comments:


It bums me out that guys can't be out there about this kinda stuff. But yeah, I guess lots of chicks aren't into anime and comics.

I feel guilty that my geeky qualities, accumulated through my years with my ex, are a huge part of what attracts men to me.

But I know that a girl out there will meet him and think, "Wow, this guy has great taste in music!".

I guess we made each other better people, culturally speaking that is.

See you later Space Cowboy...

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Social Media + Dating - When does it turn obsessive?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jen. She's a graphic designer by day and a serial monogamist by night that lives across the pond in the UK. She's currently in a relationship of 8 years, and her dating record prior had been puddle jumps from 3 months here ... to 3 months there. These are her thoughts on life, love, and all things nerd. Hit it Jen!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jen Randall

“Oh look, that guy I went on a date with just checked in to the restaurant down the street on Foursquare, do you think it would be too much if I went down and pretended I go there all the time?”

Don’t pretend like you’ve never done it.

When dating we obsess.  Over everything.  “Ohmygod he didn’t call me today but he did text me 3 times but do you think that means he doesn’t like me, I mean, he posted on Britney’s Facebook wall and not mine, what does that mean?”

Sitting at your desk at work, smartphone half hidden by paperwork so you can see it but the rest of the office can’t, anxiously waiting for a :::beep::: or a little flash of light.  You went on a second date last night and you like the guy/girl so now the obsessing shall begin:

• Looking at your cell phone approximately every 2.37 minutes because s/he said s/he’d call

• Force refreshing your emails...because s/he might’ve emailed!?

• Checking your call history at least half an hour...because your cell phone was in your bag and the banana you took for lunch might’ve answered it by mistake

• Longingly staring at your cell phone and willing something to appear...and when it does it’s a badly typed text from your mum telling you you’re laundry is ready to be collected.

• Checking Twitter because this is the 21st century and who wouldn’t tweet you to make a date!?

• Calling your voicemail at home in case he left a voicemail there.

• Logging into Facebook to see if s/he’s online and if s/he is then why isn’t s/he contacting you!?

• Refresh your Facebook to see if s/he’s created and event inviting you on a date.

• Checking his Facebook profile to see if there’s been any activity.

• Checking Foursquare to see if s/he’s checked in locally

• You hit desperation point (mirage in the desert style) and so check Instagram, Flickr, WhatsApp, Google+ and Last.fm to see if you can get any clues of what s/he’s been up to or where s/he is.

• And my personal favourite...texting a ‘friend’ but ‘accidentally’ sending it to him/her and then quickly following it up with a “ohmygodimsosorry that was meant for my friend but I sent it to you by mistake” text...we know it wasn’t a mistake....and so does your mate...and then to make it worse you have to repeat all of the above for at least another 3 weeks if s/he doesn’t reply.

• Then after 3 weeks of obsessing you check obituary's and call hospitals to make sure s/he didn’t die - those first 2 dates were really special to you!

As well as obsessing we plan and we over-think.  I’m definitely not just talking about girls either.  In my experience, and I’m talking about my guy friends here, guys seem to over think stuff like the ‘3-day rule’ (i.e. not calling too soon) because they don’t want to seem too keen or desperate or whatever.  GUYS!  Just call her!  You’re making the obsession worse and if you’re not careful the most awesome girl in with world is going to come off as a complete psychopath because YOU’RE MAKING HER CRAZY.

The solution to obsessing is over-dating.  Did your mum ever tell you there are plenty more fish in the sea? Well, what she should really have told you was “there are plenty of fish in the sea so make sure you (non-exclusively) date a salmon, trout, sea bass and red snapper all at the same time...and if you have enough energy you could try a rainbow trout, mackerel and halibut as well”.  See, mum’s are wise (but really that was my idea, not my mum’s, I don’t even think she’s ever told me there are more fish in the sea, Dad took charge of dating advice and it was generally summed up by “don’t date; boys smell and are weird”).

So ladies and gents, it’s simple, make date plans for 6 out of 7 days and :::heypresto::: you have too many dates on your mind to even think about whether you’re being called post-date!

#thatisall

Click here to follow Jen on Twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

I Can't Adjust.

I feel awful this week. I'm so frustrated with life. With every.single.aspect. of my life.

I still miss my ex (duh!) and that there is no easy answer for that situation. I either just deal with missing him until the pain subsides or get back together with him and deal with everyone thinking I'm an idiot. Ugh, that's not even an option. I can't even get back together with him. I can't if he keeps his current job. I am not able to be a part of his life while he works there. Period. He just started working in a different (better) department and is hoping to get promoted again. I don't even want to compete against working on Marvel movies (which was a life goal for him). He came by the other night to collect some mail and as I listened to him talking about future plans at this company my heart just fell. I can't ask him to leave since I can't guarantee that even if he did I would want to be with him again, I wouldn't want him to resent me. This is the whole reason we moved out to Los Angeles! He's complained so much about the job in the past that I was hoping he would organically leave the company on his own accord.

His job literally haunts me. I can't even go anywhere without seeing fucking movie posters for every movie his company has worked on! It's December, I'm in Florida, dying inside and there are movie posters everywhere for Gulliver's Travels. It's April and Thor posters are all over Hollywood. Rinse and repeat with Captain America. It's torture! And the fact that it's stuff I like, that people expect me to see and talk to me about is just so painful.

For the rest of time his name will be on the credits with hers. Always.

Yet, I still can't even comprehend the concept of dating. Of dealing with someone else's shit. Not right now.

My self-esteem is just hovering, up and down, up and down. Being left by the person you love most in the world does a nice job of making you feel like shit.

I'm worried that I am not attractive enough to get the attention of guys that I find attractive. I have horrible self esteem issues, not with my body, but with my face, or even more specifically, my nose. I think about getting a nose job at least once a week.

Then there are a couple of random things that are bothering me:

• High School reunion: Yes, it's $500 for a plane ticket that I really don't have the money for but I really don't want to go because practically everyone is married or at least in a relationship. It's sad that I'm surely more successful than many of these people and yet this one aspect makes me feel ashamed (it's a trade-off; my success and my ex's success and the fast-paced LA lifestyle that cost us our relationship vs. slower suburban lifestyle with more time to spend with family).
• Friend's wedding. Super excited for her. Not jealous or angry that I didn't get married. Just sad that I have to go alone.My ex's good friend (whom I've known now for 8 years) is getting married and I can't celebrate with him.

I'm also just freaking out over completely normal things that I am just completely not used to:

• Dudes at work showing interest in me. One dude sometimes says things to me that are kinda inappropriate and since I've only known him since I've been single I wonder if he would pull that shit if I was engaged/married.
• Friends and co-workers making comments about me and this other guy I work with. I want to be like, "Yo! Get outta ma bizznizz people!"
• People offering to fix me up. I know they're trying to help but it makes me feel like I'm something broken that people want to fix.
• Having to turn dudes down because I'm not interested (I'm not interested in anyone right now, don't take it personally)

Adjusting to this new life is exhausting.

My survivor mode is wearing off. This weird abundance of energy that I had after the shock is slowing down. The extra passion I had for life, the need to prove myself is wearing off and I'm left feeling tired and hopeless.

I'm literally getting physically exhausted by trying to hang out with people. I just want to turn my back on the world and be alone. But then Ill complain about being lonely, lol. This is usually when I dream about running away and living out the rest of my days in Key West; fishing everyday for food and ending the day with a beer at sundown.

In brighter news - I went skydiving on Sunday!! And it was awesome!

Need some help nerds: What should I say moving forward when people ask me why I came out to LA? The real reason is because of my ex. I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS ANYMORE! People give me this "Oh, guess it didn't work out" look. I super hate lying, but I'm willing to give it a go.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Me? Date?

I've been single for over 5 months now and I just can't bring myself to go on a date. I still hang out with my ex all the time and I'm pissed scared to go on a first date as I technically never really have. The last time I was single I was 20 and in college. At that stage of life it wasn't so official. So even talking to someone at a bar is a big deal for me. As I've started to dip my toe in the dating pool, I've had some funny encounters with guys (there have, of course, been positive encounters as well).

Jen kindly, but firmly pushed me to open an OKCupid account. OkCupid has just been a place for me to secretly blush and do nothing; men write to me, I kinda freak, smile and then never write them back. I just can't bring myself to do it. I've been really impressed by how sweet a lot of guys are out there. Especially impressed because this is Los Angeles; a city I partially blame for my breakup. I've been amazed at how not a single email that I have received has been overtly sexually suggestive. In fact, so far I've only gotten one negative email. In response to the question about what I'm doing with my life I wrote in that I work on HTML all day (btw, love the logic of HTML, the rainbow of colors that Dreamweaver makes and watching my edits in the code render in design mode), I got this:  


Dude, I can't write you back...girls aren't taught to read and write, remember?

There's only been one other occasion so far of a guy being douchy to me. While out at the local bar with Jen a group of guys start chatting us up. One of the guys starts talking to me and eventually we land on what we each do for work. I give him a brief description of what I do (Email Marketing: a lot of proofing, a lot of HTML). He tells me what he does, graphic design work for a porn something or other. Then he makes what is one of the largest faux pas (certainly in the professional realm); he asks me how much money I make.

I'm not into this dude. Regardless, I've very out of practice at talking to dudes. I got nervous and I actually answered him. It was one of those moments where you have an out of body experience. You can hear the words coming out of your mouth and at the same time you are screaming at yourself, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

And then he makes it worse. "Really? That's how much I make. Wait, you make the same amount as I do, doing what you do? That's not fair."

At this point I was so done with this conversation. But somehow I find myself reassuring him that it's okay that he's making this amount. I told him that he doesn't know exactly what goes into my job and that there are other factors that go into how much someone gets paid. I ask him if this is his first job out of college. He says yes. I explain to him that this is my third job and I have more work experience than him. Apparently, I have more tact than him as well. I was so insulted and also annoyed at myself for going down this route of conversation.

Guys, this isn't going to work. This isn't the playground. If you punch me in the arm or throw sand in my face, you'll get my attention, but it won't be positive.

Even when guys are nice, I often don't make things easy for myself.

I'm constantly at war with my Jewish side, I'm half bagel. I get anxious and stressed out really easily (pot helps stabilize). Like talking to dudes isn't hard enough, throw in the amazing ability to always be nervous. Also, I'm a complete control freak (to the point where I hardly ever get drunk). I greatly prefer approaching a guy that I know I'm into then have some dude that I'm not really vibing come over and talk to me. I feel like the situation is out of my hands. So when they do, I pretty much wig out. So yeah, even when I'm not into a guy, actually especially when I'm not sure that I'm into them, I freak. When it's a good, organic conversation I can soar over mountaintops. But I stumble in LA potholes when they come up to me.

So, as I've mentioned, I get so effing nervous at bars and clubs. Back in March I went out with some girlfriends and we ended up downtown. We bar hopped for a bit before landing at a cheesy club. Clubs have never and will never be my thing (which is ironic because I grew up in Miami/Fort Lauderdale) and this one was especially not my style. It looked like a poor imitation of Las Vegas. I decide at the go that anyone hanging out here is prolly not for me (not very open, huh?). After we all get our drinks I notice this one dude staring me down. I promptly freaked out. I tried my hardest to avoid this guy. At one point I could really tell he was about to make his move. I then literally bolted, grabbing a friend and telling her I needed to use the bathroom. As I walked by he tried to even talk to me and I just kept walking (it was really loud, to him it was completely plausible that I just didn't hear him, I'm not a complete bitch)!

This other dude came over and made polite conversation. I finagled my way outta there! He wasn't a bad looking dude, but I was three weeks out of a 7 year relationship - damaged goods! He then came up to me again a bit later and this time there was no way out. My friend literally kicked me in the butt to push me in his direction! I learned he was studying to be a doctor, which scored him some points, but overall if I can't talk to you about music, movies, TV, anime or comics I'm not really down. Even so, I got really nervous. I was drinking a vodka tonic in this hard plastic cup. The kind that kinda looks like glass. I got so nervous talking to a dude I wasn't even into that I cracked the cup all the way down the side! My mind immediately went into damage control mode as I waited for my wrist and arm to get covered with liquid. For whatever reason, it didn't all immediately leak out everywhere (Are you there God? It's me, Julie). I quickly threw the rest of the drink back and laughed inside all while maintaining the conversation.

All part of the Julie charm, lol. I'm not worried though, I know when it's right I'll shine. Now if I could just make myself return an email on OkCupid...

...Baby steps, Jules, you'll get there.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter