#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Not So Jazzed To Meet You)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

It finally happened y'all. A bad date. I've had such good luck with all of the dates I have been on. The guys have either been super attractive or successful or both. In an effort to get everything out of my system so that when I do get into a relationship, I'm ready, I thought I would do something funny/bad/irresponsible: go out on a date with a 24 year old.

First up, lemme talk about the site where I met this little darling, Jazzed. Back in October, Jen and I went to a promo party for this site which is cross promoted with the CBS Tv show Excused. Now, I admit, this is kinda genius marketing. A dating show attached to a dating site. Except for the fact that Jazzed, welllll, kinda sucks. I was suckered into downloading the iPhone app in order to receive a free pair of day-glow colored sun glasses. So as they plotted, since I already had the app on my phone, I went ahead and filled out my profile.

You are allowed to add numerous pictures of yourself, then there is a free form "About me and what I'm looking for" section, a "Tell Julie about you" section" where you select questions you would like people to answer, "In My own words" with the sub headers "What are your favorite TV shows?", "What are your favorite movies?", "what 3 words describe your perfect mate?", "Where did you grow up?", and "What drives you crazy?". Then there's a general details section just like on OK Cupid. The Jazzed approach makes it easier to fill out your profile, which makes it easily more generic.

Aside from the lack of quality guys that I've seen on here and the fact that you have to pay for it (I guess I got grandfathered in because I've never paid a cent), my least favorite thing about Jazzed is the cop outs it lets people take when contacting someone they are interested in. Instead of having to write to the other person, you can opt to send them a pre-written one sentence Ice breaker such as "Your profile got my attention...let's chat!" or "Your profile brought a smile to my face!" or even worse "Wink!". Lamesauce. It's like poking someone on facebook or even choosing someone on OKC. Another way to avoid actually writing to someone is to "like" a particular part of their profile or "nudge" them. The only things in my Jazzed inbox I ever looked at were messages.

So, a lot of what I have received has been ummm, let's just say not good. But this message caught my eye:

"Wow, Julie, you are the coolest. SUCH great taste, crazy gorgeous, and I could tell at a glance that you're a fun, positive person. I only wish I were a few years older."

I realized I had my age range set to 25-35 and that this dude was 24. Cute with bright blue eyes. But 24! So I didn't write him back. Two weeks later I got another message from him:

"You're still my favorite"

And then a third one!

"I've all but given up...but would still love to talk."

Okay, okay. His persistence actually had me intrigued. We sent some emails back and forth in December and then I forgot all about it and him. Then the other week, he wrote to me. I decided why the hell not? and gave him my number. I've done some pretty irresponsible things in the last couple of months, so I'll just pile this on top. I had no intention of ever seriously dating a 24 year old. We start texting and just like through the Jazzed emails he comes across as confidant and fun. It turned out he was well versed in the nerd universe, a big plus! He then invited me to go see a comedy/music performance for Don't Stop Or We'll Die with appearances by Paul Scheer, Jenny Slate and Sarah Silverman. Score! I love live shows.

So, here we go.

The very first inkling of the issues to come was from one of the text messages I received before the start of the date.

"The show is at 8:30, btw. Meet there around 8? I'm two months from having a car down here, or I'd pick you up."

I'm okay with this because I don't want a first date to see where I live anyways. Now, not having a car is not necessarily a deal breaker, but I just dated a guy for two months that didn't have a car and it was kinda annoying.

So I get there (The Largo at the Coronet) and due to my unfounded paranoia that I will not recognize the person I am supposed to be meeting I go back into the Jazzed app and look at his profile again. Wait a minute...wait just a minute...does he have a lazy eye? (Lordy lord, I'm sooo sorry that this will most certainly offend someone out there reading this) In his profile picture he's looking straight at you! Great, now I'm going to be attempting to not stare at this person's lazy eye.

I get into the place and text him. He walks out (and I recognize him right away of course!) and we both go in for The Confident Hug. We sit down at a table since the performance hall isn't open yet. He sits at an angle in an attempt to hide the eye. He's cute. Black rimmed glasses, cool blazer, good facial hair.

Conversation time. Here's where the awkward begins. In person, this guy is nothing like he is through emails/text. I'm guessing the lazy eye thing has a severe affect on his confidence. I ask him what he does for a living. I find out that he's unemployed. But! He does make money as a magician. As visions of JOB prancing onstage run through my head I somehow maintain a poker face of fake, pleasant interest and ask about The Magic castle. I ask him what part of town he lives in. He tells me and I then realize that it is different from what it says on his Jazzed profile. I ask him about this and learn that he has been staying at friend/family's houses. Meaning: he's homeless.

We go into the theater and continue to talk. I do the bulk of the work here, continuously finding new topics to discuss. He looks (pretty much) straight forward the whole time he talks to me while we're in the theater. Again, something that I am sure is a by-product of the lazy eye, but still hard to deal with on my end. The show is great! So, at least that part of the date is solid.

Afterwards, as we're walking out I suggest we go next door to the Roger Room and grab a drink. He gets an embarrassed look on his face and confesses that he doesn't have his ID. At this point I'm wondering if he's actually 24. Dear God, what if he's 20?! He says he lost it and that since he hasn't been driving in the short amount of time that he's been in LA it hasn't been an issue. He says I should know of some places we can go where he won't get carded because this is my hood. No dude, I don't commonly categorize bars in my head by cards/doesn't card since I am a 29 year old woman and the majority of my friends are in their mid to upper twenties.

Not drinking isn't the biggest deal to me, I suggest walking over to Coffee Bean and he makes a comment about the date getting downgraded. Sheesh buddy, YOU forgot YOUR ID, be a good sport, make the best of things, like I am trying to do. We walk up the street looking for options, places we could potentially get a drink without being IDed (this is freaking impossible, BTW, he's actually 24 and looks 20 and I'm 29 and look 24 - we're getting IDed). After not finding anything, we start walking towards Coffee Bean. I still feel like I am carrying the conversation the whole way.

We get to Coffee Bean and I order a drink, he finally decides he doesn't want anything. He then attempts to pay the whole $3.25 for my coffee. HIS.CARD.GETS.DECLINED. He was beyond embarrassed. At this point, the date was all a big joke to me so I didn't even bat an eye. I try not to react, I'm not about to do anything to make this dude feel worse. He gets a water and we go and sit outside. Again, the whole time we are sitting out here and talking he is not looking at me, but looking straight ahead. That makes me more uncomfortable than anything else.

After laughing at this lady that is actually wiping both of her sweatered Pomeranian’s asses outside of Coffee Bean (have some damn children already lady!!) we walk back to my car.

I give him a hug goodbye and then ask how he is getting home. He tells me his is going to walk to the Metro station to get to the other side of the hill. That's almost 4 miles away from where we are. In my head I let out a huge sigh and outloud I tell him to get in my car, I'm not going to let him walk that far. I drop him off at The Metro and I drive off, literally laughing my ass off at what just happened. "That's what you get Julie, that's what you get. A 24 year old... What was I thinking?"

He texted me a few days later and I did my normal bitch move of simply not responding. Then he texted me on Saturday "Hey Julie, I get if you weren't feeling it (I was for the record, and think you're incredibly cool, funny, sexy)..." I felt bad and answered, I figured I am supposed to be the more mature one, I should act it. I wanted to tell him "Really, you were feeling it? Because I couldn't tell, you seemed completely uninterested the whole time". I'm going to chalk this up to youth, inexperience and thus, nerves. I responded and told him "I had a fun time last week, I just recognize that you and I are in different places in life" I then let him know he was now friend-zoned. He was bummed but seemed to handle it okay. At least his text responses were mature.

You earned a point there, kid.

Then he was really bummed that I wouldn't be going to this event with him this week and that he had to pull strings to get a plus one. I told him I would go with him but he would have to be okay with us just going as friends. I think he was bummed, but he agreed. We went and saw a screening of Signs "interrupted" by Doug Benson! Ed Helms was one of his guests. I just so happen to have a death wish for M. Night Shamalongadingdong (especially after he shat on my favorite show ever Avatar: The Last Airbender) so it was hilarious to watch them rip apart the movie! Then then was an intermission before the viewing of Ed Helms' new movie Jeff, Who Lives At Home (which was freakin great!). While me and 24 were hanging outside drinking beer we smoked a joint with Doug Benson! YES! Then he showed me a magic trick. He was really good (plus, I was really stoned). We had some awkward social moments that were exacerbated by the pot and ended with us both laughing. Like when he left his bag under his seat after the first movie and we realized that people weren't keeping their old seats for the second feature. He didn't want to walk past everyone in the aisle and get it. I shrugged and got it for him. I playfully gave him a hard time to get him to laugh at himself. I grew up being incredibly awkward, so I get it. It's kinda endearing, but definitely not something I want to date. I again drove him to the Metro and honestly thanked him for a great night. As I drove away, I wished I knew some cute 20 year old to hook him up with. I would love to be his wing girl.

So I turned an awkward first date into an awkward friendship. I'm okay with how it all went down. It all adds up to living life and gives me a funny story to tell.

And I will be deleting the Jazzed app off of my phone. Because I'm just not.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Doc, Can you help me?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

People say that it makes you a stronger person to actually admit that you need help and to ask for it. When you're that person and you're the one that has to admit that you need help, you understand this but it doesn't make it any easier to say, "Yeah, life got so hard that I had to start seeing someone".

I decided last year that I owed it to myself and to my family and friends to try everything that I could to resolve my emotions surrounding this breakup and my new life.

I'm a very private person IRL (err, I used to be!). Or rather, I don't talk about myself a lot in social situations. If you ask me a question I have no problem answering it but it's just not in my personality to go on and on about what I did last weekend or whatev. That said, when my whole life got turned upside down, I could not, would not shut up!! I was telling people about my breakup when previously I probably hadn't even talked to them about the actual relationship prior to the breakup. To the point where once I got a handle on things I was super embarrassed. Some of my co-workers just did not need to know certain details. Ugh, oh well, I'm not hard on myself for this. My life was crumbling and so was I. Other friends heard it all. Every. single. detail. They also had to counsel me through every decision and guide me through the pain. They also had to endure the way I was so hopeful that we would figure out a way to make it work.

My mom had it the worst of all. I love this woman so much. So, so, very much. From November 1, 2010 to maybe some time in June 2011? I called her every day. No really, everyday. I honestly don't think she minded because I'm sure it allows her to still feel needed and moms with empty nests love that but it couldn't of been easy for her to listen to me go on and on and on about my problems.

That said, I realized that I couldn't put this burden on the people that I loved anymore. The stress of a break up or divorce is so great that you can't go through it without a support system, but even your support system may need a break.

I won't soon forget being at Comic Con with Jen and telling her about my decision to start therapy. I said the whole sentence at regular volume except for the word "therapy". She smiled and said, "Julie, it's okay that you're going to go to.." and then she lowered her voice, poking fun at me "...therapy". I laughed, knowing she right, that I was being silly.

Starting in August I began seeing a therapist. My initial thought? I wish I had done this sooner! I thought back to my wedding month, March and the month after he moved out, April. I was so distraught!

Still, the first couple of sessions I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. After a couple of sessions and explaining all of the back story of our relationship/breakup, I started wondering what the hell I was going to talk about each week. One particular week, nothing major had taken place that week and we ended up talking about my childhood, not that I don't think many of my issues start there, but I didn't see the point in paying money for that kind of discussion. But by 9/6, I had a 5 tissue day.
Meaning I actually finally let myself cry enough to go through 5 tissues. I had stopped crying in everyday life by that point. The sadness hadn't stopped but I literally lost the ability to cry anymore. I had expelled so many tears in the past months that even when I wanted to cry, I couldn't. Except for when I was in therapy. This marked the first time I really looked forward to going.

Since then, I really enjoy going each week. I'm lucky to have a really cool therapist that I dig on a personal level, too. Recovery isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Often, just when I think I have everything figured out, something happens that makes me grateful that I have him to go talk to. He mostly just talks me through stuff, only twice has he told me I should/shouldn’t do something. The first time, back in January, he told me that it was important for me to stay single for at least 6 more months (true! But hard to hear) and the second time he encouraged me to have a conversation with someone.

Having an unbiased person to listen can be super helpful. They don't know your ex, your best friend, your parents, your anyone. They're not friends with your ex or have a personal attachment to you that would change an opinion of a situation. They're just there to be objective.

Also, if you are in a relationship where one party has cheated and you guys are trying to make things work, please, please go to couple's counseling! I feel like there's no way to work through all of the emotions without that unbiased person there to listen to you both.

Him and I also tackled another aspect of accepting help. I have suffered from depression my whole life and this breakup forced me to really get a handle on it. I didn't want to live life sad anymore. I'm very scared of prescription drugs, but also very scared of always feeling blue, so I started taking an anti-depressant and I have a prescription for Xanax, though I rarely take it. The first time I held a box cutter to my wrist I was 10. 10! I was superly socially awkward at that age and couldn't fit in with anyone. Admitting that I have to take an anti-depressant is a hard one for me, there are a lot of people who judge others for being on medication or who think if you can just figure your life out, you'll be okay. But isn't it better for me to get that shit under control than staring at the knives in my kitchen?

I think so.

If you are going through a hard time in your life or life just seems harder than it should be I seriously recommend doing something for yourself and at least giving it a shot.

It's hard to ask for help. It's harder not to.

nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Adieu: The End)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Catch up on the story: read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V Part VI, Part VII and Part VIII of our ending.

February 2011

I think that my ex wanted to do the right thing. I know that he thought about our life together and the children we wanted to have. I've personally never witnessed someone so torn about anything before. In previous months it ate at his soul, he drank so so much. In February, it was like he had come to accept that he was an asshole. His heart was split in half and because she was in his life every day at work, it was impossible for him to move past her, for us to move past her. We both knew this but we both wanted to make sure we really gave this one last shot before giving up on over 7 years and on the rest of our lives together. While it hurt and one part of me thought I should have more respect for myself, another part of me wanted to fight for love. This girl has such a black heart, I knew she would never really love him, and that this was a game to her. But it felt like those two were against me, like I was outnumbered.

It didn't feel like he really tried. The worst part is, when you're with someone for 7 years, you can pick up on the smallest of details. This escalated to a whole new level a behavior of mine that I am beyond not proud of - going through all of his personal stuff. When someone looks you in the face and lies to you and you KNOW they are lying but you have no proof, you start to go crazy. I had already been going through his receipts for clues but then I went through everything: facebook, his email, and the worst, I hacked into his bank account. I could really see what he was up to that way.

Then one day I remembered something. He and I were on a family phone plan! Hello! I can see everything he's doing. I took screen shots of all of their texts and phone calls as evidence. He had integrated the deletion of their texts and phone calls into his everyday routine. But here was the proof that the communication was still going on.

This leads to the core problem of what to do with the information found. How do I know that you weren't actually at a bar tonight when you said that you were? A couple of reasons:

1) When you answered my phone call there was no "bar noise" behind you
2) The way that you said, “I’m paying my tab right now". I could hear the bullshit in your voice, that you were making this up. AND you turned your head to say it to someone else to you because your voice faded a bit mid way through the sentence.
3) Checked your bank statement, no transaction that night.

FUCKING. TORTURE.

It was that night that I considered tracking his phone so I could see where he was. I was one click away from complete and total crazy. Truthfully, the only thing that stopped me was knowing that if he found out it would be over on the spot. I consider this moment a personal low (this is so embarrassing to admit that I did this shit, BTW).

February 12, 2011

I went to yoga class on Saturday morning. This yoga instructor is just amazing. She always says really inspirational stuff at the beginning of every class. I had been feeling horrible for pretty obvious reasons. Then she starts speaking about the Veil of Maya. She compared it to a smoky glass shower door, that you can't see through to yourself clearly. And that she hoped that through our practice we could clear that fog. "Maybe, by the end of class, you can just poke a hole through it and see back to your true self."
Then during class, it hit me, a wonderful epiphany. I realized that a big part of the reason I felt so awful was not just because of what he was doing, but what I was doing! I wasn't being myself!! I am a horrible liar and thus 95% of the time, I just don't. My soul was being ripped apart by my snooping. I decided I would come clean Tuesday after Valentine's Day.

February 14, 2011

This whole time I was waiting for him to make some romantic gesture. Even just send a girl some flowers! But it never happened. I asked him about this once."Why aren't you even trying to win me back over?" He told me that if he did something like that, he wanted to be 100% behind it. So if it happened I would know it was legit. Well, it never happened. When Valentine's Day hit I was so sad. Now he would "have to" do something nice for me but only because of this stupid fucking holiday. (Seriously, I think VDay is the WORST thing ever! You don't need this day if you are in a relationship and it's a whole day that makes anyone that is sans partner feel like shit. WTF!) He came home from work that night and started to cook me dinner. Sigh, that boy can cook. Back when we were a happy couple, this would have been my idea of heaven. We spent so much time in the kitchen together, talking and smoking while cooking. God, I miss that. On this night, I went into my room and cried. He would never be doing this for me if it wasn't for the damn holiday. He made the best Chicken Marsala he ever made that night.

February 15, 2011

I was so nervous to sit down with him and come clean. I thought it could even possibly be the end of everything right then and there. But I knew that in order to be true to myself I had to do it. He took it pretty well. He said he was really disappointed in me but he had to know that my behavior was his fault. I felt so much better after coming clean.

February 21, 2011

It was President's Day and we had the day off. We made plans to hang out with another couple, Justin and Karen, and go to Disneyland together. It was A GREAT DAY! The four of us had so much fun together. We even got our standard compliment from them - that we were a great couple to hang out with, we weren't all clingy or secretive. We laughed so much that day and held each other while in line for rides. We ended the night back at our place talking about music and listening to Cat Stevens (one of my favs). Perfect.

February 22, 2011

I get a phone call from him while I'm at work around 4. He tells me that he wants to say goodbye to Karen before she flies back home so he is going to go to Justin's house for a bit after work. There is nothing fishy about his story. I just know that he isn't telling me something. Just a feeling. Just this amazing ability because I know him so well to be able to pick up on pauses he makes or the tone of his voice, I don't even know, his own mother wouldn’t have been able to pick up on it.

He gets home that night and I just have to know what actually happened that night. Like the sneaky bitch I had become I waited until bedtime. I stood in the doorway of the bathroom and  watched him put toothpaste on his toothbrush. The moment he put the toothbrush into his mouth I went right into the bedroom, picked up his iPhone, pressed messages and went right to Justin's messages. Right there it said that my ex and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be over at 6. AHHHH! Not only had she been there but quite possibly they went over to Justin's house together. I immediately confronted him. He was so disgusted that the moment he turned his back I was going through his phone. I was disgusted that he could not stop hanging out with her. We got into a MASSIVE fight and he broke up with me for the last time.

February 23, 2011

He came home from work and told me that he had spoken to a friend and he was going to spend the night at his place on Thursday, which meant that tonight was it, the last night we would spend in our bed together. "I would have gone there tonight but I really wanted to be here. I hope that's okay." I shook my head yes. I wanted him here more than anything.

In that moment I saw him. The man that I loved, back after all those months. I could see him in his eyes again. It hurt to see that he was still in there somewhere and yet it felt good to know that he still loved me and that this hurt him, too.

We knew the next chapter of our lives was going to be extremely difficult, although that word doesn't really begin to describe what it takes to unravel two lives from one another. Especially when you have been together for over 7 years, lived together for 5 and had planned on living your lives out with one another. Moving out, splitting up everything you own, the financial burden of replacing the stuff the other person kept, joint custody of the cat and dog, the list goes on. On top of all that, neither one of us would be able to let the other one go for months (all documented in my writings here).

That night, I lay on my side and he cuddled up behind me, the cat on my left and the dog on his right. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I let myself be present and enjoy the moment, this moment that had happened so many, many times before was now precious. I closed my eyes, felt his arms around me and drifted off, knowing it was our last night together as a couple.

#Adieu

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Maybe We Will Be Okay?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's ItsMeJoolie

Catch up on the story: read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI and Part VII of our ending.

January 17, 2011

After the 500 Days of Summer tour and the great couple of days that we have had it's time to have The Talk. I was on edge from the moment that we got back home from downtown. Was he going to move back in? Were we going to try and make this work?

He had moved in with a mutual female friend. Her lease was coming to an end that month and they were in talks about officially becoming roommates. This infuriated me. We were in a sensitive situation and I last thing I felt we needed was more fucking stress on making a decision concerning our relationship and the rest of our lives. I was so bitter towards her for this additional stress. It was bad enough that we were supposed to get married in two months.

That was a whole other thing. So everything that has been happening is bad enough, right? But add to all of this the pressure that we are supposed to say I Do to each other....so stressful. So we have The Talk and make two major decisions:

1) He is going to move back in and we are going to try and move forward.
2) We are going to cancel the wedding. He thinks that this is no way for us to get married and that it has been tainted.

January 20, 2011

When he moves back in I feel such relief. After living with him for 5 years (plus the two years prior we were almost always at each other's places) it just feels unbelievably weird to not have him in my daily life. With him home I feel so much relief.

I tell him if he wants to call off the wedding, he needs to be the one to contact the venue and cancel. I just can't bring myself to do it and I don't feel like I should have to given the circumstances.

January 24, 2011

Dear Julie and Xxxx,

We are so sorry that you two are having troubles. This confirms our conversation that your wedding is cancelled for Mar 20 2011. I am so very sorry for the troubles in your relationship, I will pray for your love to grow and strengthen. We look forward to your rebooking. Xxxx is hopeful for possible October this year. I would particularly cherish the opportunity of making all your dreams come true at that time.

Thank you for your kind words Xxxx and your understanding and agreement that we have to keep the non refundable wedding date lock in fee to cover all our losses on the blocked rooms and lost wedding date.  With your agreement and confirmation within 24 hour we will waive any further charges and we will start refunding your guests reservations. Please confirm this agreement and email.

You better believe I cried my fucking heart out after that hit my Inbox. No one should ever have to return a wedding dress. I wouldn't even wish that on the bitch he cheated on me with.

So what does it take to move forward after one party fucks the other party over so monumentally? Well, both people have to really want it. You can't try just because you think it's the right thing to do. I really tried. I made some serious fucking changes. Things he had complained about for years. But I probably should have actually done those things years prior. Too little, too late. He on the other hand, was still so torn. We had so much history together and I do believe that he wanted the life with me but you can't control your heart. He had very strong feelings for her. I don’t believe he tried. At all.

Here's a confession for you: I am a horrible cuddler. I have been told this not only by not just this ex but the one before him. My lack of cuddling skills was a HUGE issue for my ex. Huge. (This is just the worst because it's hard to control something you do when sleeping. I cannot help it if I roll over in the middle of the night. Or if I get hot from someone's body heat. Or if my neck cramps and it wakes me up.) A switch was made in my brain though. I was so GRATEFUL to have him back in my bed that I actually liked him holding me while we slept. It was nice to know he was there. So that was fixed.

Our sex life: I don't think there was ever a week where there wasn't some form of sexual activity at least 4 out of the 7 days of the week but it had gotten routine. However, ever since back in November when we realized things were falling apart our sex life had become amazing. Extremely passionate. Fixed.

Next up. Our social lives. We had spent a lot of our time in Los Angeles not going out a lot. At first we didn't have a lot of money. Then after he got the job, we were in different cities for happy hour and I didn't have a car. He had somehow gotten it into his head that I liked staying in every night (while it is true that I am naturally a homebody, this was and is not true). Part of the reason that things with him and her had been able to escalate as they did was because we weren't hanging out together anymore. Everyone in his office knew what was going on and what he had done. I was super, super embarrassed by this. I originally didn't want to hang out with any of them. But in my desperation, I conceded and started hanging out with his coworkers. I actually ended up really liking some of them and having a good time. Also, around this time his friend Mark started hanging out with us a lot. He and his girlfriend had just broken up and he was NOT handling it well. It was a relief for me to not be the one going on and on about my break up. He thought it was amazing that we were trying to make it work, not giving up. He crashed at our house a lot. I thought of us as the heartbreak club. The three of us would do our damn best to deal with the pain. We played a lot of Mario Kart. I had never realized how cathartic video games could be. Everything happens so quickly, giving you zero opportunity to think about your problems. Fixed.

She and he worked together so she was still in his life. Every day. At this point I couldn't even ask him to leave his job because I didn't know if we would be together next week. Which made it impossible for me to move on.

I could still tell that he was a million miles away from me though. That things had changed. That his heart did not belong exclusively to me anymore.

Next up: We keep trying but it just doesn’t work.

#nerdsunite

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#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Nice Guys Finish Last With Me)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Yep. I'm that girl. When did I become this way? Is it because of my ex? I was super intimidated by him (he's very vocal, funny, super confident). I can't recall.
I am such a bitch to guys. I don't know why. I don't think I am a bitch in any other instance of life. But if I am not interested in a guy...I just shut down. The nice part of me just turns off. I will stop answering their text messages. I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).

The moment I can 100% tell a guy is in to me, I am no longer interested. I lose all respect for them. Is that a weird self esteem issue or something? You actually like me, so you suck? Or I guess guys aren't the only ones who like the chase.

You guys remember those 3 dates I was publicly challenged to go on? All three of them were totally into me. I totally just stopped responding to all three of their texts. I have no idea why I'm like this.

Date #3, super cool dude. We had plenty in common. What made me want to meet him was one stand out line in his OKC profile. Under 'books' he listed "The Man Inside Me" by Tobias Funke. Sold! I love Arrested Development. Love, love, love it. Our first date together was a good one. We had a cool, witty repoire with one another, too. But I didn't feel a thing towards the guy. I actually really wanted to. He even sent me a link to the Star Trek: Next Generation complete DVD set. How cute is that?!? I go out on one more what the hey OKC date and meet a guy I really like, but I know may not be the best for me. I am instantly and strongly attracted to this guy. I decide in defiance of myself that I need to go out on another date with Date #3. He asks if he can pick me up. At the time since I had pretty much only been on first dates, no dude had picked me up for a date, so this was cool. Plus, I super duper hate driving. So, Point for him! I say okay. As we walk over to his car, I notice his license plate. Something like Lucile2. OMG, another Arrested reference! (I meant to take a picture and ended up forgetting to, damn.) Another Point! He takes me to this really cool place for dinner and pays. Point! We go to the Griffith Observatory and make jokes as we wait for the pendulum to knock over the little blocks. Point! And yet, at the end of the night, I thought about kissing him and just wasn't feeling it. I was very disappointed in myself.

Sooooo, this is dating, huh?

I realized that attraction is something that you can't count on, it just randomly happens. It’s something you can’t plan for or expect even when everything else is lined up perfectly. There have been other nice guys since Date #3 and I just see right through them. The only person this really hurts is me. I am the one who is missing out.

Eh, it’ll work out. My nerdy, yet confident boy who doesn’t come on too strong is out there.

Right?

#juliesdatingadventure

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I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).