#Confession: I had sex with a married man (and btw, I don't regret it)

This was one of my favorite songs growing up. I only knew the 10,000 Maniacs version (that I played on my cassette player that didn't even have a rewind so when I wanted to hear the song again I had to fast forward on the other side). Patti Smith crushes it, and loved hearing the story behind the song on the Defiant Ones on HBO. 

Maestro ... 

Picture it. Tinder. July 31, 2016. Scene: Friel is seen zipped inside inside her onesie lounging on an oversized sofa chair snuggled next to her dog, Buster Brown. She sips her wine as she begins swiping ...

Last summer while swiping on Tinder, I came across a profile featuring a man in a suit with with his face deliberately hidden. Wondering what he had to hide, I clicked on his profile ... 

Actual screenshot 

I'm not sure what kept my interest in that exact moment - the radical honesty? the marketing of intelligence? I'm not the kind of person that would ever want a guy because he was "someone else's," in fact quite the opposite ... I'm more likely to ask for a threesome.

Surprising myself, I swiped right.

It was an instant match. Oh shit, I thought. 

<tangent> Talk Nerdy v.1.0 was all about welcoming situations that I wanted to explore while concurrently learning about myself. I'm solid on who I am at age 32, and I don't need to do that anymore. With each stroke (pun intended) I question if I am even going to publish this ... </tangent> 

Within seconds he messaged saying he couldn't stay on Tinder long (for obvious reasons).

Not needing long (that's what he said), my questions were Vin Diesel style fast and furious ...

Gray text (him): Hi 

Blue text (me): Hi. (the period was deliberate) 

Gray text: Have you read my profile? 

Blue text: Yes. Why cheat? Why even get married? It's so cowardly. 

Gray text: There's more to it than that. 

Blue text: OH I'M SURE (capitalization was also deliberate) 

He asked me to email him. (For obvious reasons he didn't want to keep talking through Tinder.) I waited a full 24 hours before sending this ... 

I wasn't sure what to say next. I wasn't sure I cared since I was more focused on getting ahead than receiving it ...

 

("more pictures" references more than what he had posted on Tinder, which again, omitted his face) 

The "horny" part was a test, I wanted to see what he would lead with.

Would he flat out show me his little Richard? Does he take a photo of his face? I was curious to find out. 

He sends me a photo of his chest which was congruent with the athleticism he advertised. 

The pose was neutral and confident. He didn't do one of these elbows out, hands clasped behind the head "come hither" style. Independent of the circumstances he was looking to place himself in (quite literally), I felt like I could learn from this guy. What? I wasn't sure, but he didn't operate in the "predictably index" I've known previously of "cheaters." 

<tangent> After over 7,500 blog posts, and an equal amount of zip codes I’ve taken “residence” in - people operate on a spectrum in my brain based upon the behavior I learned from people I've previously met. If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck, I got a duck, and I can’t be mad at a duck for not being a giraffe. I'm very rarely surprised in life in terms of people. This guy was genuine, this guy knew what he wanted, that equated to a power I was attracted to know more about. </tangent> 

Attraction aside, sex wasn't even entering into my brain at this point. The predictably index acts as a "chastity belt" of sorts. It takes me a really really really long time to finally have sex with someone based upon the fact that I've more likely than not had sex with this type of personality before! In four years I can count on less than two hands how many people I've slept with. NOT because I'm proud of that fact, quite the opposite actually. I find myself more often than not in a state of frustration and take said frustration out by using ... 

Porn is only .5% LESS frustrating than going to bed with a guy only wanting to dip out two seconds after he was done dipping in.

(I do however enjoy feeling another body on top of my body, like a sexual Thunder Shirt of sorts. It calms and soothes, but then I'm all YUP! Good - get off of me).

I confidently used self control as a sexual shield. I genuinely didn't give a fuck about getting fucked. I'm not surprised by personality types. I've seen it been there. Done that. And they're making a TV show. 

<tangent> Can we talk for a sec about how god awful porn is? The story lines, I mean, I want to write a porno just to give quality storytelling and proper narrative. OH, and then you watch the 10 second thumbnail and think YES! THIS IS GREAT ... 

... only to discover the tongue that you thought you were going to experience is not in fact native ... 

Maria, please tell me you made him work for it and didn't just give up your ... 

</tangent> 

Anywho, back to my own hooha ... he then sent me his KIK, and the convo continued over the course of a few days ... 

 I don't like meeting people anymore. I've met a lot of them. I will 100% til the day I fucking die meet a reader of this site and say THANK YOU, but other than that - no. I'm good. I like my home, my dog, my wine, onesie, and Netflix.

The convo then went to what we were each studying. I had just discovered Revisionist History from Malcolm Gladwell, so I told him, and then he shared this ... 

Then came time for the photo exchange.

He referenced grooming preferences before sending his first photo. 

BTW, we are talking about his face and not his ...  

 

You can't tell in the screenshot, but I did SLIGHTLY unzip the onesie ... 

Over the next couple of weeks, we became each other's night night buddies. We'd talk about our days (our experiences in them, never the parties involved), and eventually once respect was earned from an intellectual perspective - things got sexualish. 

I wasn't about to let him know that I was following his command. I really was typing that before I read what he had written.

I didn't see his last message, my fingers quickly closed out KIK and opened up the google ... 

 Per Kinkly (appropriately named): 

There's a typo in this. It should read "does not make an effort to reciprocate."

I had never heard that term before August, but apparently let it seep into my subconscious when a boy I found attractive texted around my birthday (I won't date him because he's vegan, and I'm a massive. massive. carnivore. I did go on a #BJDiet afterall ... ) ... 

We never ended up meeting that day because I wound up going to a last minute work holiday party. I never viewed what I do as a "sacrifice" because I enjoy it so much, but in writing this post I am realizing how much sex I am missing out on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, FRIEL?!?!!??!

Anywho, back to the sex offered by something other than my own hand ... 

Our messages continued for two straight weeks before I finally agreed to meet up. He had already checked off the intelligent box, checked off the kinky box, would I actually let check off my own box? I wasn't sure, but invested enough in my night night buddy to find out. 

We agreed to meet during the day at a bar that is shockingly popular during the weekday. 

I can't remember who sat down first, I just remember we arrived around the same time (such nerds for being on time). For as open as I know I am sexually, when you share aspects about yourself before meeting someone IRL, there is like a weird disconnect. That's one of the reasons why I won't say more than two or three words to a guy on Tinder before/ if I know I want to meet him.

I know what I want, I want what I want, and I don't need to talk about it.

I've found that when I talk to someone too much online before meeting them I place a projection on who I think they are vs who I can figure out they are. We are shockingly transparent, and the older I get the easier it all is to see. 

We both ordered a bottle of cold beer (I ordered bud light, I can't remember what he ordered), and as he started talking - I tuned out the words that were coming out of his mouth. I can imagine he was narrating the steps it took for him to be able to arrive at this random bar that I picked on a weekday, but I didn't care. I just wanted/ needed to know what his motives were and if he was genuine. Everything I could tell about this guy was that he was honest, and yet here he was about to commit (from my perspective) the most dishonest act a person can do.

Cheating in general is no bueno in my eyes, cheating on your wife? Even worse. 

I started talking somewhere where it was logistically acceptable. I brought up the one thing we had yet to talk about, his wife. 

"Why cheat?" I asked point blank. 

"It's not what you think," he said quiet while leaning closer.

I paused, not saying anything verbally or physically. 

"We've tried counselling, she is going through something. I don't know what, but I'm also a man and have needs." 

"How do you know she's not cheating?" I asked honest and not judgy. 

"It's more physical on her end, I just know she's not." 

I still wasn't entirely sure, but I quickly asked another question ... "why not just get a divorce?" 

"Because of our family. She's an amazing mother, and great wife except for this one thing." 

My eyes said they understood, but it was hard to understand not having walked in those shoes. From my perspective, I wouldn't ever want to teach my children that a sexless marriage is okay. Sex is a HUGE part of intimacy, it's in fact one of the greatest parts. Here is this ONE THING that you share with this ONE OTHER human being. If that's not the definition of closeness, I don't know what is. Again, not being in that position I knew I couldn't relate, I could only listen. 

He continued to tell me about his experience in marriage, and all I could do was respect the guy. Here he was in this brief moment being "seen" not as a father or as a husband (particularly one that can be viewed as "failing" to a certain degree), he was just a guy that I thought was smart and easy to talk to. The intelligence factor is what I need to find someone attractive, so the fact that he had that AND he was (by any definition) commercially attractive AND I could tell he wasn't bullshitting me meant that I still wanted to know more. I still wasn't sold on sex, but I was more certain than ever that he more likely than not could change my mind. 

After we departed, he emailed ... 

Alrite, much like dudes after sex, that's all you get for now. Did I mention though, the next post will be written to this song ... 

It was so FANTASTICALLY dirty, and now that I've come this far, it would be a shame to stop ... 

#nerdsunite 

Click here to read part 2

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (How Soon Is Now?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's ItsMeJoolie

This past week marked a major milestone in my life. One year ago I became single. It's been one hell of a year: a year filled with relearning what normal feels like and having a lot of fun figuring it all out!

A big part of the healing process is putting yourself back out there. There are two meanings to that.

The first one is dating. That was scary as hell for me, all documented on this site. I had no idea how to go on a first date or how to end things when I just wasn't feeling it.

Then came the 2nd part of putting one's self out there. The idea of actually committing to another person. A year of being single and this is still the most horrifying thought to me. I can't even fathom being someone's girlfriend right now. Yes, of course, there are many aspects of being in a relationship that are nice and that I miss; consistent sex is probably at the top of that list followed by snuggling, someone to go see movies with, someone who prevents me from being the 3rd or 5th wheel, etc. But missing aspects of being in a relationship is certainly no reason to be in a relationship.

All of this got me thinking. How soon after a getting out of a long term relationship should you get into another relationship?

I have two close friends that got out of very long term relationships a few months after I did and they are both already in new ones. At first, that made me think something was wrong with me, but now I'm so grateful to still be single. I met a guy in November that I fell pretty hard for and while I didn't expect anything serious to come of it, it really made me take a step back and think about if I am ready for commitment in my life.

After I guess I discussed this person waaay too much with my therapist, he looked at me back in early January and said, "Julie, you need to be single for at least 6 more months". That was the harshest thing he has ever said to me. It made me freak because while I didn't want to jump into anything at the time, I'm also not the kind of person that runs away from love. I promptly got off of OKCupid, I figured I had enough going on in my romantic life.

Now, as I covered in my last post, that dude solved that problem for me because he ended things with me. In the long run, I think it's okay that it went down like that because I knew from week 2 that while I was crazy about him, he was very wrong for me. However, that rejection did leave me with a broken heart, which has left me even more scared than I already was at giving my heart over to someone else.

I worry about my trust issues. I think I need to be alone for a bit longer because I'm not sure if I will be able to trust anyone. More than that, I am not sure that I can handle more hurt in my life at this point. I just want to be happy and if being alone ultimately means that I can avoid hurt for some time, sign me up!

I'm most hesitant to get into a relationship because I have a very hard time keeping my own life going. I easily start spending all of my free time with my significant other. After all of the hard work I've done in the past year, I don't want to jeopardize my current life and friends for a guy.

Also, I'm boy crazy. When I was in my 7+ year relationship, I was so, so loyal. I never cheated, there were no close calls where I almost cheated and had to remove myself from a situation, I didn't even have flirtatious relationships with male friends or co-workers. I had on freakin' blinders. I never even looked or even considered other guys. Now, I look at all of them and on my ballsier nights, I look right at them and make eye contact. There are so many hot dudes out there. Now I understand why people are so hesitant to give up single life. Swoon!

I digress! The question is, how long does one wait to get into another relationship. I think most people would say that it's different for everyone, which is a pretty vague answer. I think one really has to ask themselves a series of questions:

Are you okay being single?
Can you hang out by yourself and not freak out? Self soothe?
Are you really into this person or do you just not want to be alone?
Are you comfortable with who you are?
Are you looking for someone to complete you?

A lot of people tell me that when I meet "the right person" I will just know it and everything else will fall into place. I like the idea of that but I think I need to make sure I'm the best version of me first and then find someone to complement her.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#Question: When you're dating someone, at what point do you kiss them upon greeting?

Question, nerds ...

This has actually come up a few times for me in my dating-ness, and I'm just genuinely curious if there is a cut and paste answer for this and maybe I just don't know.  

Q: At what point in dating someone do you greet them with a kiss instead of a hug?? 

Emphasis on the GREETING - I'm not talking about the end of the date (which should be played like Hitch with the 90/10). 

IMHO, after you have sex with someone you should totes be good to go with a kiss greeting. I have noticed though that sometimes dudes don't follow suit. Maybe it's because they're nervous, or don't want to over step a boundary? FYI, dude, if your penis has been in my vagina I am all game for a kiss greeting. 

I'm needing help in negating the awkward pause and half cheek kiss/ half hug. Help a nerd out, what do you guys do in this type of situation?? 

#love

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Ode To My Rebound)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

So, in the midst of writing about the ending of my breakup, I had something great happen to me. I met a boy and I actually really liked him. I was super scared to write about him because I knew it would make him uncomfortable and I didn't want to do something that would mess things up. Meeting him made me happy, scared, nervous, anxious, high on Cloud 9, excited. The point is, after everything that happened with my ex, I found out that I am capable of feeling. That my heart isn't completely damaged.

But like I said, I was also really scared. Numerous people around me, including my therapist, all said that it was waaaay too soon for me to be getting involved with someone. So, well over a month ago I wrote this piece:

Where Am I Going From Here?

When you're a serial monogamist being single is hard. Really hard. Actually, I was doing just fine with being single until I met someone that I actually liked and started dating. Then I wasn't fine. We went to a concert together and stood there, arms around each other. "OMG!" I thought, "I forgot how awesome this is. I have missed having someone to hold so much!". Other comforts were there, too. Waking up next to someone. There may be no greater joy in this world for me then waking up and looking over at someone and then snuggling up to them. That and I think morning sex is the best way to kick start your day. Even better than coffee.

That said, playing it cool may not be the serial monogamist's forte when they get a taste of that relationship crack. I live by my heart, I fall hard. I have moved twice to be with someone (although FTR, I always make sure there is plenty of value in the move for me, too). Every bit of my brain knows that you energetically need to play it cool to keep someone interested in you. That the moment you get needy or really want them, they sense it and you aren't as appealing anymore. Knowing this does not help my heart. It always wants more. I tell myself, girl, you've only been single for...well..officially since March..but kinda not really...so maybe since like August, so why are you already kinda getting serious with someone?

I've realized since I became single that I am a huge nurturer. That not having someone to take care of is fucking killing me. I've been living without my ex since March and I have cooked twice. I couldn't handle the idea of cooking for just me. It seemed so sad. And for me cooking is an extension of the soul. I don't want to put my sadness into my food. So it took me until the beginning of 2012, fucking 9 months later, to cook dinner just for myself.

So instead of dating more people, I've gone in the opposite direction. I've felt crazy for far too long, I just am not ready to be crazy again. Who am I kidding, it's too late. But anyhow, I temporarily deactivated my OKCupid account. I am supposed to be focusing on me, right? What's a normal amount of time to be single after getting out of a seven year relationship? Should I be fighting my feelings? Because my brain is screaming at me to not be involved with anyone, reminding myself of how I can do whatever the hell I want currently. I don't have to check in with anyone.

Ohhhhh, but waking up next to you..

#imintrouble

Well, unfortunately, he solved this dilemma for me.

Let me back up. I met him in November. After my roommate challenged me to go on 3 dates to get back into the saddle, I went on a fourth. I figured what the hey, I was already talking to him on OKCupid due to the whole 3 dates thing. Plus, he was super cute. And he liked Jeff Buckley and Cowboy Bebop. Dudes almost never like Jeff Buckley. We hit it off immediately. With previous guys if they even texted me too much after the date I would freak out. But I ended up hanging out with this guy the NEXT night. And I met some of his friends that night. Whoa. Less than a week later we had our third date. We hadn't kissed yet and I was extremely nervous. At that point I still hadn't kissed anyone since my ex fiance. He was really shy about it, it was super cute. When we finally did kiss, omg, I've never experienced something so wow before. We had a very epic make up session on the front patio of this bar and then we rushed back to my house. More epicness.

We spent two months together. It's not that long but it's long enough. There's a Vampire Weekend song, "I Think You're A Contra" and the opening line is "I had a feeling once that you and I/ Could tell each other everything for two months". Back when I was in my very long term relationship I used to laugh at that. Two months? That's nothing. Now I understand that the first two months can be an amazing, weird time.

So, two months. I didn't even think about my ex. I even hoped that he had a girlfriend so that he could be happy. On our actual two month anniversary we hung out with a bunch of his friends, bar hopped and had a great night. Then right after two months I went to Vegas. He made actual effort to come over and see me the night before I was to leave. I would never have thought that would be the last time I would see him. But then he went to San Fran for a week and somewhere in that time, things changed for him. I tried to text him and hang out with him but I got blown off. After not seeing him for a month I assumed it was over. Then on Friday I got a phone call from him. I feel like an asshole because I got so excited when I saw his name on my phone. I feel like an asshole because he was calling me to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. He said that while he was away something picked back up with someone who has been in his life for some time and he felt like he really needed to see it through. But he also said he really liked hanging out with me and that we were good together?? And that "maybe our paths will cross paths again in the future =)". I don't know what the fuck all of that is suppose to mean. No matter how much it fucking kills me, our paths will not cross in the future. You chose someone else over me! I am not going to accept 2nd place in your life.

All this mere days before my first ever as an adult sans valentine Valentine's Day. Oh, and two weeks ago I found out that my ex has a girlfriend. Double blow to my heart.

I cannot help but feel like shit. Another man leaving me for another woman.

I find it very respectable that he had the balls to actually call me and tell me this. It's so hard to do that. It was just so fucking hard actually hearing someone say that they do not want to be with me. I never thought things with him would last but I thought it would be because he would freak out over the idea of commitment (he hasn't been in a serious anything in years). Or that he would want to date/have sex with other people. Never in a million would I have thought it would be because he was going to pursue something serious with someone else.

Despite the fact that I feel like shit and I am fucking crying, this really is an ode. I don't think I will ever understand what really happened with him or if I did something wrong but I am truly happy that I met him and was able to feel again. I gained another life experience that most people that are 29 have. Dating is so new and confusing to me. I got scared at one point about this blog - what would I write about when I ceased to want to write about my ex? But dating is so new to me and soooo fucking confusing that I do not think I will be short on material anytime soon.

So thank you! Thank you! Thank you for making my heart race, for the fun times, the great sex and for my realization that when I'm ready to be in a relationship I will be able to jump into it because I am not broken.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Nice Guys Finish Last With Me)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Yep. I'm that girl. When did I become this way? Is it because of my ex? I was super intimidated by him (he's very vocal, funny, super confident). I can't recall.
I am such a bitch to guys. I don't know why. I don't think I am a bitch in any other instance of life. But if I am not interested in a guy...I just shut down. The nice part of me just turns off. I will stop answering their text messages. I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).

The moment I can 100% tell a guy is in to me, I am no longer interested. I lose all respect for them. Is that a weird self esteem issue or something? You actually like me, so you suck? Or I guess guys aren't the only ones who like the chase.

You guys remember those 3 dates I was publicly challenged to go on? All three of them were totally into me. I totally just stopped responding to all three of their texts. I have no idea why I'm like this.

Date #3, super cool dude. We had plenty in common. What made me want to meet him was one stand out line in his OKC profile. Under 'books' he listed "The Man Inside Me" by Tobias Funke. Sold! I love Arrested Development. Love, love, love it. Our first date together was a good one. We had a cool, witty repoire with one another, too. But I didn't feel a thing towards the guy. I actually really wanted to. He even sent me a link to the Star Trek: Next Generation complete DVD set. How cute is that?!? I go out on one more what the hey OKC date and meet a guy I really like, but I know may not be the best for me. I am instantly and strongly attracted to this guy. I decide in defiance of myself that I need to go out on another date with Date #3. He asks if he can pick me up. At the time since I had pretty much only been on first dates, no dude had picked me up for a date, so this was cool. Plus, I super duper hate driving. So, Point for him! I say okay. As we walk over to his car, I notice his license plate. Something like Lucile2. OMG, another Arrested reference! (I meant to take a picture and ended up forgetting to, damn.) Another Point! He takes me to this really cool place for dinner and pays. Point! We go to the Griffith Observatory and make jokes as we wait for the pendulum to knock over the little blocks. Point! And yet, at the end of the night, I thought about kissing him and just wasn't feeling it. I was very disappointed in myself.

Sooooo, this is dating, huh?

I realized that attraction is something that you can't count on, it just randomly happens. It’s something you can’t plan for or expect even when everything else is lined up perfectly. There have been other nice guys since Date #3 and I just see right through them. The only person this really hurts is me. I am the one who is missing out.

Eh, it’ll work out. My nerdy, yet confident boy who doesn’t come on too strong is out there.

Right?

#juliesdatingadventure

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).I know that is mean (I swear, I’m going to stop this behavior).