#RealDeal: I'm not sure that love can really conquer all

What a really gnarly week this has been. For reals, obviously getting your heart broken never feels good, but this sort of re-birth and awakening upon further analysis has been SPECTACULAR. 

I only cried yesterday for 15 minutes!! MASSIVE improvement from all day Sunday when I was still reminding myself to inhale and exhale. 

I've said this before, I'll say it again - this site is such a blessing and curse. Blessing in the fact that the second I tell guys I'm back "on the prowl" I have a rebound rate of less than 24 hours, and a curse in that I have to filter out the guys that I date and check out their intentions. It's HORRIBLE being manipulated by a dude who is just trying to become a "character" in your story. Those dudes just want to be written about to appease their own ego and they ALWAYS end up totally hurting me. I get played like a freaking violin!! I have a bullshit meter like no other, and I do throw a few "tests" in but it's still hard documenting your life in real time and not have the outcome manipulated. 

<tangent> Even in some of the emails people were sending me yesterday, they kept asking how all of this was even real ... I'm like chiiiilllllldddddd the truth is SO much stranger than fiction. Yes, all of my stories are 100% truthful with many many many witnesses, location based social media checkins, etc. I'm just ferociously conscious about only dictating my personal experience and my personal opinion within all of the experiences. Just because I choose to make my private life public doesn't mean that everyone in my life is comfortable with that as well.  </tangent> 

I have to say though in general, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself at handling heartbreak. I keep checking my emotions to make sure that I'm not just suppressing them and I genuinely feel pretty good about things. I can't stop thinking about him obvi, but I think it's easier knowing that we are at least going to stay good friends, and knowing that he's still in my corner if I need anything. Like I said yesterday, I've NEVER felt so protected and intellectually stimulated by someone. Again, I don't say that to sound elitist but my brain fires off on all cylinders all day every day. I genuinely don't MEAN to run circles around guys, but I can't help it - it's who I am and how my brain works and to deny that is to deny a big part of who I am. 

I catch myself periodically thinking though that "love conquers all" but I'm not sure how healthy that statement is. IMHO, based on what I've learned about consciousness and self awareness in the last almost 3 years, if you truly had selfless love and no attachment - you should have no problem understanding that sometimes things just aren't going to work out. 

Look at mine and Antonio's positions from a logical perspective: 

1) 27 almost 28 year old girl. New business owner. New Media Personality/ Lifecaster. Public. Wants to get married. Wants to have kids. 

2) 46. Nearing the end of his career. Very private. Already been married. Doesn't want kids. 

What in those two sentences matches up? The only thing Antonio and I had in common was this crazy passion for one another and the fact that we're both uber smart. Literally ... nothing else. How can I speak my own personal truth and he speak his when we have such a limiting common denominator? Sure Disney, Hallmark and all other means of commercialized versions of love want us to believe otherwise - but how can you still speak your personal truth (which is the key to true happiness) when it differs so much from someone else? I know that love requires a compromise, but where is the line between a healthy compromise and a deal breaker? If someone doesn't want kids they shouldn't be forced to have them but for Antonio to make me happy I'd have to have his baby.

How is that okay for him and his personal truth? Doesn't make sense, right? 

The root of the pain in this heartbreak came from expectation. I EXPECTED to have those things with Antonio based on my feelings for him. Because we were both so alarmingly transparent with each other from our very first date he quickly realized that our truths didn't match so rather than string me along he did an act of selfless love and just set me free. 

Now with NEWER expectations set (a friendship), I can now focus on that and enjoying our time together and not trying to analyze him and figure out what the future would hold. The future is now!!!! Life is happening in the now.

You have an obligation to show up for your own life every day and live it in as truthful of a manner to yourself as possible. 
This goes for friendships, relationships, family dynamic - EVERYTHING!!!! 

THAT is the root of the human experience!!!

Do you have any idea how much I would have resented Antonio if he strung me along for years and years? I love the guy SO FREAKING MUCH and I'm SO FREAKING LOYAL he never evveerrrrr would have been able to shake me. 

We want to grasp onto these guys that we have these feelings for, but why? Those feelings are only rooted in emotional recognition (I learned this in the 103 dates in 9 months attracting only emotionally unavailable men), so what does that attachment and that wanting to grasp onto something say about us? 

Where is the lack in me? What do I need to become more aware of? 

Time to head back to the Modern Day Shaman @realityadjacent!! 

On that note, tonight I'm meeting up with my old neighbor who took me to work for my one shift at the strip club. Remember when my tires got slashed right before my shift as a cocktail waitress? Yep, true story. (read here) He randomly friended me on Facebook this week and when I saw the name I was like I know this guy ... I know this guy ... HOLY SHIT!! I haven't seen him in over 4 years. 

And then on THURSDAY I'm headed to VEGAS for just the night for a date!! Unlike Antonio, this isn't a date starting in LA and ending up in Vegas, this is just a guy that asked me out and I said yes (once I knew I'd have my own hotel room). I wasn't going to have any dates this week to give myself enough time to process things, but might as well just get back up with a bang.

I'm done with casual sex, I'm done with all the BS - time to have some zen through the art of adventure (as @itsmejoolie says)! 

Oh and one more thing ... 

click the screen capture to read the comments on Facebook

#thatisall

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#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Madonna - Gang Bang

What's kicking loverbugs?

Long time no private chat.

Here ... grab a cup o'joe and stay a while.

Anywho, as usual, we've got loads going on. I just got back from a bartered adventure where I spent the weekend on this private winery owned by this big celebrity photographer. He is literally one of the nicest people ever, but also figured out a way to rent out his house to all of the shoots that he does, and that in turn pays his mortage. It's insane ... he's a very very very smart guy and it was incredibly inspiring since I'd like to have something like that when I raise a family. Look at this property!!!

This is the house from one of the Bachelors, and a Chris Brown video was shot there last weekend. The house is pretty much used 24/7. Very very very smart duderino.

Here I am drinking wine on said property ...

I had initially wanted to have a White Trash weekend at the winery, but because it was so friggen cold - I just settled for some hoodie rocking, converse wearing good times.

AHHHHHHHHH My anxiety right now is through the roof. I needed this getaway so friggen bad.

So, there's been a lot going on right now behind the scenes that I haven't been able to talk about. Not out of wanting to keep anything from you guys, but just with this level of uncertainty on what makes sense and what my next actions should be. I've been meeting with a bunch of TV peeps on projects, ANNND even today will be auditioning to be a panelist on this pretty popular show. It's all so fantastic, and all so wonderful - but this is LaLaLand. Peeps here dig kissing your ass, and I want to make sure that no matter what all of this is something I GENUINELY want to do, and it is something that will GENUINELY help this brand grow onto bigger and better things. I'm happier than a pig and shit right now with this site as is. We're still working on the redesign, but pretty much once that gets up - I will have ZERO complaints about this entire site. I have spent over 15,000 hours in the last 2.5 years working on it - and it's my baby.

It's hard though having all of these opportunities come to you, and you having to sit there and decide what makes sense and what doesn't. I turn back though to working with the Modern Day Shaman, and my own studying of Zen Buddhism, and I am reminded that the answers to every question we ever have in life are already inside of us. I already know all the answers to anything I could ever be asked in life; I'm already living my dream, I'm already living my bliss. Now is just the fun part of structuring a company, hiring a team, and going off into who knows what. My focus, however, needs to continue to stay in the now. My journey is the one that I will experience today in the next 86,400 seconds.

Dudes, I friggen lost my MACBOOK PRO this past weekend, and GENUINELY didn't even bat an eye. If this isn't some next level nirvana shit I don't know what is!!

<tangent> I had all of my gear on my back since I was getting picked up to go to the winery from my last meeting on Friday, and I got caught in this SUPPPEERRR gnarly downpour. I've been in LA for 8 years, and this was just ... horrific. My macbook pro was 3 compartments deep, and the ONLY tech toy to actually get water damage. My ipad was fine, all my cameras, even my electric blanket snuggie - all good. Macbook pro? No bueno. I fortunately always always always have at least one back up mac, so I'm fine for now - but will DEF be looking to upgrade to a new Macbook Pro and Macbook air in the next few months. </tangent>

It's just all so exciting. Everything is here, everything is happening now. I just have to stay present and listen. Fortunately, I got SO MUCH FREAKING SLEEP at the winery that I am that much more prepared for whatever life has for me this week. 

Actual couch I slept on bartering location based social media advice.

I'M FRIGGEN READY FOR YOU LIFE!!!

#BRINGIT

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

Since the age of 14 I have been in one long term relationship or another. During my most recent break up after 3 1/2 years I decided it is time to take myself off the market for the next 6 months. This will not be an easy task for a boy crazy girl like myself. I am absolutely in love with being in love. I am a HUGE flirt. I love the feelings of butterflies in my stomach, the euphoric feelings when navigating a new love, the excitement, the newness of falling in love. These are the reasons I always end up in a relationship. I have never been the kind of girl that likes to date multiple guys, I won't jump in bed with just anybody. I love LOVE. I crave it, I live for it.

Because I am such a hopeless romantic I jump in head first when I get those feelings and think that they will last forever. They never do from my past experiences and scientifically it has been proven that after a couple years those feelings fade. All sparks fade out. When those initial feelings go away I am left bored, lonely, unfulfilled and looking for that next euphoric feeling. It's like a drug for me, it is my addiction. Yep, I am like the song Addicted to Love. My name is Tiffany and I am addicted to love.

So, this is my outlet to chronicle my "6 month NO MAN mission". What is this mission exactly? Well as much as I would like to have a gray area, there isn't one. It means for 6 months starting on December 15, 2011 I will not date. Does it mean no making out, no sex, nothing, I lament? The answer is yes, much to my dismay because I can't imagine no intimate contact with another human for 6 months, but this is my mission, my growing time. Even as I type this I get a tightness in my chest because to be quite honest, I don't know how I will do it for 6 long months. No dating, no making out, no sex...only friends..EEEEEK..

I realize that in order to be good for a relationship one must be content with being alone. One must know what it is like to endure long lonely nights, to be okay with ALONE. So far I have not had any experience in that department. Even if I wasn't in a long term relationship and "single" I had a guy in tow. 2011 was an incredibly transforming year for me so why not take that transformation a step further and overcome my addiction to being in love? Shit this sucks. There should be a support group like AA for this sort of disease!

In this blog I intend to share my experiences, the good bad and the ugly moments. Will I be honest if I fall off the wagon? Yes, as much as it will suck to admit my defeats, I will. I have several people holding me accountable to this "6 month NO MAN mission" because just like any other addict, I am weak when it comes to my addiction. I am not completely closing myself off to possibilities because if Mr. Right comes along I won't shun him, but he will have to hang around and be my friend for the next 6 months. The bigger challenge will be for me to resist if Mr. Right comes along. 6 months Tiff, be strong!

Men, I will be available to date on June 15, 2012. Too bad Mars will be leaving my sign a few weeks later. Of course I would choose the one time that Mars stays in my sign for 8 months rather than the usual 7 weeks making me irresistible to do a "6 month no man mission". Why can't I ever just take the easy road in life? Not my style, never has been.

I special thanks to JK for giving me the idea to do this. Right now I curse you for it, but I'm sure someday I will thank you!

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#FoodForThought: The Adventures of Fanny and Olive (gettin' figgy with it)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fanny. No really - that is her actual name. She is a massive massive massive foodie, and would like to share with you all the adventures on all of the things she puts in her mouth. Wait, no - not like that ... I mean ... well, you know what I mean. Aw shucks, just hit it already Fanny ... </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fanny Slater

as you may have all heard by now, my time in los angeles is about to come to an end.  in just two short weeks from tomorrow, olive and i are packing up our pots, pans, coffee mugs, and coors light and headed for the east coast.  prepare yourself, i'm about to hit you with a cliche.  you know that quote you generally find inside a fortune cookie or written on a homeless person's sign: "it's not about the destination, it's about the journey."  well, i've found that to be very true in my life recently.  i was once someone who was terrified of change.  i mean ANY kind of change.  i literally dropped to my knees at the side of my parents' red volvo at eight years old when they sold our beloved car.  when i was seven, i had a red flannel shirt (what?! you?!) that i wore for about three years straight until all the buttons had fallen off and the sleeves were so tattered and ripped that they barely went past my elbows.  

in short--i usually like to stick with what's in my comfort zone.  moving out to los angeles was doing exactly the opposite of that.  i wasn't doing it as a permanent location change, it was just something i had always wanted to do.  so i did.  i believe you should do something until it doesn't make sense anymore.  that time came for me a few months ago when i realized that i was prepared to move onto something new.  the foodie in me is ready to move to a smaller town and be in a place where i can continue to grow as a person and expand my passion for cooking and writing.  when i moved to the west coast, i got a lot of feedback from people telling me that it was courageous of me to actually pick up and follow my dreams.  i'm now doing the same thing back in the other direction, and i can only hope that this will inspire all of you.  if you're sitting on some kind of dream--no matter what it is or where it will take you--know that all you have to do is stand up, walk out the front door, and make it happen.  

along the same lines of doing things out of your comfort zone, today i'd like to give you a recipe that's probably something you thought you would never make.  it sounds a little fancy, and it certainly seems daunting to make it yourself--but it's as easy as this:

homemade fig jam

making your own jam does not mean that you have to wear a ruffly apron and start collecting mason jars.  it's simply a quick, easy, fresh way to turn fruit into spreadable form.  i know that there are thousands of store-bought jams and jellies that come without preservatives, but creating something like this from scratch offers you the opportunity of knowing everything that went into it.  since we're talking about conquering fears and a go-big-or-go-home attitude, let's just go straight for the fanciest of them all.  fig jam.  mine was a balsamic-fig jam, but you can opt for plain if you like.  this was fabulous on frozen yogurt or mixed into oatmeal, but in my opinion--it doesn't get much better than goat cheese and fig jam crostini.

for the crostini:

-slice a baguette into rounds, brush or spray lightly with butter and toast at 350 until golden.

-top with room temperature goat cheese.

for the balsamic-fig jam (if you can find fresh figs, congratulations.  if not, regular dried black mission figs are fantastic for this):

1. slice ends off of figs (a 1 lb bag will make about two cups of jam) and chop into smaller pieces.

2. simmer figs with 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar, 1/2 cup water, 1 tsp vanilla, pinch of cinnamon over medium heat.

3. once the mixture comes to a boil, reduce the heat to low, and let it sit for another twenty minutes while the liquid evaporates (make sure to stir it every few minutes).

4. you want the texture to remain chunky, but you can use a potato masher to break some of the bigger pieces of fig down and give it more of a jam-like consistency.

5. take it off the heat and stir in 1 tbsp of fresh lemon juice.

-top crostini with cooled fig jam and lemon zest for color.

-optional: if you're feeling REALLY fancy, top crostini with reduced balsamic drizzle.

see, that wasn't so scary was it?  you just made your own jam!  FIG jam nonetheless.  congratulations, you're officially fancy.  just keep in mind that when the word gets out, you might have hungry fans demanding more homemade jam at all hours of the morning.

#nerdsunite

click here to check out more from Fanny! (heheheeheh her name is Fanny)

and follow her on twitter over yonder!

#NerdsUnite: Valentines Day For Dummies

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tribble. I met him through my buddy Daniel when we were in this social media job competition a few years back. Really rad kid, the job didn't work out for either of us, but we stayed friends and he connected me to his buddy Tribble who is on the CMT show Sweet Home Alabama. Like me, he's looking for love - just through a veerrrryyyyy different medium. He's here to tell you about his search and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TRIBBLE!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @TribbleReese

Hope everyone had an excellent Valentine’s Day this week. I had a hot date with this wonderful lady. 

Hopefully you got your fill of hearts, love, chocolate, roses and everything else associated with the “holiday.”

I never really knew the backstory behind V-Day besides the fact good old patron saint Valentine had something to do with it. Make sure to pay attention so you can impress that special someone by dropping some serious knowledge on them. Did Hallmark invent this holiday? Why’s it gotta get get all up in Black History Month’s biznass?

Valentine’s Day and my good friend patron Saint Valentine are quite the mystery. February apparently has always been the month of romance, and this special day has traces of both Christian and Ancient Roman tradition. Who knew? Not this guy. What’s so special about this Valentine character? How the hell did he get his own day? How do I get my own day?

The Catholics recognize a couple different dudes named Valentine or to quote Penny from “Happy Endings” (love that show) ‘Saint Valentine deVal Valentinus’. Apparently some say Valentine was a priest from Rome. When it was decided that single dudes made better soldiers than married men did, marriage was outlawed for young men. What a nut that Emperor Claudius was!

However, Valentine, being the romantic he was performed some secret weddings. Not sneaky enough, he was caught and sentenced to death. Ouch. I wonder how Valentine would do on a reality dating show. He’s definitely ballsy, he’s noble, buttttttt he’s too selfless. He was too busy helping others to worry about his own ass. Sorry Valentine, I think you would be eliminated pretty early. 

So you guys still with me? Some people think Valentine was killed for helping Christians escape really sketchy prisons. Like prisons in Tijuana, and trust me…you DO NOT want to go to a prison in Tijuana. My personal favorite is that while in jail, Valentine sent a note to a girl who frequently visited him. I wonder if he put it in a shoebox like back in elementary school. Nothing like giving your love a happy VD sneakily from your jail cell. And yes, February 14^th is the only day of the year Happy and VD go hand in in hand.

Whichever version is true, this Valentine was a pretty cool guy with strong morals. Nice guys don’t always finish last. Sometimes they get their own friggen day!

DISCLAIMER: Tribble Reese does not endorse the idea of breaking the law in order to get your own day.

So there it is folks. Valentines Day in a nutshell. How did you spend your Valentines Day? Full of love and happiness or heartache and pain? Either way, hit me up on Twitter @TribbleReese and let me know.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tribble on twitter