#Confession: I had sex with a married man (and btw, I don't regret it)

This was one of my favorite songs growing up. I only knew the 10,000 Maniacs version (that I played on my cassette player that didn't even have a rewind so when I wanted to hear the song again I had to fast forward on the other side). Patti Smith crushes it, and loved hearing the story behind the song on the Defiant Ones on HBO. 

Maestro ... 

Picture it. Tinder. July 31, 2016. Scene: Friel is seen zipped inside inside her onesie lounging on an oversized sofa chair snuggled next to her dog, Buster Brown. She sips her wine as she begins swiping ...

Last summer while swiping on Tinder, I came across a profile featuring a man in a suit with with his face deliberately hidden. Wondering what he had to hide, I clicked on his profile ... 

Actual screenshot 

I'm not sure what kept my interest in that exact moment - the radical honesty? the marketing of intelligence? I'm not the kind of person that would ever want a guy because he was "someone else's," in fact quite the opposite ... I'm more likely to ask for a threesome.

Surprising myself, I swiped right.

It was an instant match. Oh shit, I thought. 

<tangent> Talk Nerdy v.1.0 was all about welcoming situations that I wanted to explore while concurrently learning about myself. I'm solid on who I am at age 32, and I don't need to do that anymore. With each stroke (pun intended) I question if I am even going to publish this ... </tangent> 

Within seconds he messaged saying he couldn't stay on Tinder long (for obvious reasons).

Not needing long (that's what he said), my questions were Vin Diesel style fast and furious ...

Gray text (him): Hi 

Blue text (me): Hi. (the period was deliberate) 

Gray text: Have you read my profile? 

Blue text: Yes. Why cheat? Why even get married? It's so cowardly. 

Gray text: There's more to it than that. 

Blue text: OH I'M SURE (capitalization was also deliberate) 

He asked me to email him. (For obvious reasons he didn't want to keep talking through Tinder.) I waited a full 24 hours before sending this ... 

I wasn't sure what to say next. I wasn't sure I cared since I was more focused on getting ahead than receiving it ...

 

("more pictures" references more than what he had posted on Tinder, which again, omitted his face) 

The "horny" part was a test, I wanted to see what he would lead with.

Would he flat out show me his little Richard? Does he take a photo of his face? I was curious to find out. 

He sends me a photo of his chest which was congruent with the athleticism he advertised. 

The pose was neutral and confident. He didn't do one of these elbows out, hands clasped behind the head "come hither" style. Independent of the circumstances he was looking to place himself in (quite literally), I felt like I could learn from this guy. What? I wasn't sure, but he didn't operate in the "predictably index" I've known previously of "cheaters." 

<tangent> After over 7,500 blog posts, and an equal amount of zip codes I’ve taken “residence” in - people operate on a spectrum in my brain based upon the behavior I learned from people I've previously met. If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck, I got a duck, and I can’t be mad at a duck for not being a giraffe. I'm very rarely surprised in life in terms of people. This guy was genuine, this guy knew what he wanted, that equated to a power I was attracted to know more about. </tangent> 

Attraction aside, sex wasn't even entering into my brain at this point. The predictably index acts as a "chastity belt" of sorts. It takes me a really really really long time to finally have sex with someone based upon the fact that I've more likely than not had sex with this type of personality before! In four years I can count on less than two hands how many people I've slept with. NOT because I'm proud of that fact, quite the opposite actually. I find myself more often than not in a state of frustration and take said frustration out by using ... 

Porn is only .5% LESS frustrating than going to bed with a guy only wanting to dip out two seconds after he was done dipping in.

(I do however enjoy feeling another body on top of my body, like a sexual Thunder Shirt of sorts. It calms and soothes, but then I'm all YUP! Good - get off of me).

I confidently used self control as a sexual shield. I genuinely didn't give a fuck about getting fucked. I'm not surprised by personality types. I've seen it been there. Done that. And they're making a TV show. 

<tangent> Can we talk for a sec about how god awful porn is? The story lines, I mean, I want to write a porno just to give quality storytelling and proper narrative. OH, and then you watch the 10 second thumbnail and think YES! THIS IS GREAT ... 

... only to discover the tongue that you thought you were going to experience is not in fact native ... 

Maria, please tell me you made him work for it and didn't just give up your ... 

</tangent> 

Anywho, back to my own hooha ... he then sent me his KIK, and the convo continued over the course of a few days ... 

 I don't like meeting people anymore. I've met a lot of them. I will 100% til the day I fucking die meet a reader of this site and say THANK YOU, but other than that - no. I'm good. I like my home, my dog, my wine, onesie, and Netflix.

The convo then went to what we were each studying. I had just discovered Revisionist History from Malcolm Gladwell, so I told him, and then he shared this ... 

Then came time for the photo exchange.

He referenced grooming preferences before sending his first photo. 

BTW, we are talking about his face and not his ...  

 

You can't tell in the screenshot, but I did SLIGHTLY unzip the onesie ... 

Over the next couple of weeks, we became each other's night night buddies. We'd talk about our days (our experiences in them, never the parties involved), and eventually once respect was earned from an intellectual perspective - things got sexualish. 

I wasn't about to let him know that I was following his command. I really was typing that before I read what he had written.

I didn't see his last message, my fingers quickly closed out KIK and opened up the google ... 

 Per Kinkly (appropriately named): 

There's a typo in this. It should read "does not make an effort to reciprocate."

I had never heard that term before August, but apparently let it seep into my subconscious when a boy I found attractive texted around my birthday (I won't date him because he's vegan, and I'm a massive. massive. carnivore. I did go on a #BJDiet afterall ... ) ... 

We never ended up meeting that day because I wound up going to a last minute work holiday party. I never viewed what I do as a "sacrifice" because I enjoy it so much, but in writing this post I am realizing how much sex I am missing out on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, FRIEL?!?!!??!

Anywho, back to the sex offered by something other than my own hand ... 

Our messages continued for two straight weeks before I finally agreed to meet up. He had already checked off the intelligent box, checked off the kinky box, would I actually let check off my own box? I wasn't sure, but invested enough in my night night buddy to find out. 

We agreed to meet during the day at a bar that is shockingly popular during the weekday. 

I can't remember who sat down first, I just remember we arrived around the same time (such nerds for being on time). For as open as I know I am sexually, when you share aspects about yourself before meeting someone IRL, there is like a weird disconnect. That's one of the reasons why I won't say more than two or three words to a guy on Tinder before/ if I know I want to meet him.

I know what I want, I want what I want, and I don't need to talk about it.

I've found that when I talk to someone too much online before meeting them I place a projection on who I think they are vs who I can figure out they are. We are shockingly transparent, and the older I get the easier it all is to see. 

We both ordered a bottle of cold beer (I ordered bud light, I can't remember what he ordered), and as he started talking - I tuned out the words that were coming out of his mouth. I can imagine he was narrating the steps it took for him to be able to arrive at this random bar that I picked on a weekday, but I didn't care. I just wanted/ needed to know what his motives were and if he was genuine. Everything I could tell about this guy was that he was honest, and yet here he was about to commit (from my perspective) the most dishonest act a person can do.

Cheating in general is no bueno in my eyes, cheating on your wife? Even worse. 

I started talking somewhere where it was logistically acceptable. I brought up the one thing we had yet to talk about, his wife. 

"Why cheat?" I asked point blank. 

"It's not what you think," he said quiet while leaning closer.

I paused, not saying anything verbally or physically. 

"We've tried counselling, she is going through something. I don't know what, but I'm also a man and have needs." 

"How do you know she's not cheating?" I asked honest and not judgy. 

"It's more physical on her end, I just know she's not." 

I still wasn't entirely sure, but I quickly asked another question ... "why not just get a divorce?" 

"Because of our family. She's an amazing mother, and great wife except for this one thing." 

My eyes said they understood, but it was hard to understand not having walked in those shoes. From my perspective, I wouldn't ever want to teach my children that a sexless marriage is okay. Sex is a HUGE part of intimacy, it's in fact one of the greatest parts. Here is this ONE THING that you share with this ONE OTHER human being. If that's not the definition of closeness, I don't know what is. Again, not being in that position I knew I couldn't relate, I could only listen. 

He continued to tell me about his experience in marriage, and all I could do was respect the guy. Here he was in this brief moment being "seen" not as a father or as a husband (particularly one that can be viewed as "failing" to a certain degree), he was just a guy that I thought was smart and easy to talk to. The intelligence factor is what I need to find someone attractive, so the fact that he had that AND he was (by any definition) commercially attractive AND I could tell he wasn't bullshitting me meant that I still wanted to know more. I still wasn't sold on sex, but I was more certain than ever that he more likely than not could change my mind. 

After we departed, he emailed ... 

Alrite, much like dudes after sex, that's all you get for now. Did I mention though, the next post will be written to this song ... 

It was so FANTASTICALLY dirty, and now that I've come this far, it would be a shame to stop ... 

#nerdsunite 

Click here to read part 2

#NerdsUnite: My Short Cummings

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

Call me a two-pump-chump, a minute man or a bad lover, I used to cum way too fast. Far too many times I remember entering the bedroom with a girl knowing that I was about to blast within 30 seconds of penetration. It turns what should be a great experience into an embarrassing and stressful disappointment.

You start getting chubbed up and the voice in the back of your head tells you this is going to end quick. The more aroused you get the more you can feel the sensitivity brewing in your pants. As you start to make out the voice in your head gets louder and louder. You try and enjoy yourself and continue kissing. Her breasts are no longer contained by her blouse and your belt has come undone. You reach down her pants first to avoid having her touch you and end things before they even start, but eventually she wants to see what you’re rockin’. Her hand reaches on the inside of your belt line and grips you. Your head is now screaming with pleas of mercy, “Please let me last, please let me last, you can do this, just hold on...” Finally the condom is pulled out and you put it on. You still feel that extreme sensitivity and your head hasn’t stopped running a mile a minute. She has no idea what kind of battle you’ve been fighting this whole time and just wants to have an amazing experience with you, and worst of all you know this. She lays on her back and looks you in the eyes. You crawl on top, grab yourself and get prepared for insertion. You know there’s no hope and sure enough you’ve came right at the point of entry. You try and keep going but your hard-on is quickly lost and her smiling face has now changed to disappointment. Sound familiar?

I know how it feels and the last thing you want is to make a bad first impression after you’ve come so far with a girl. The more physically and sexually attracted you are to the girl the more inclined you may be to blast to fast. The bad news is that there is no quick fix, no pill, no cream. The good news is that you can absolutely become better at controlling yourself and you don’t have to think about Grandma, you actually need to enjoy yourself more. Although most women will be somewhat understanding of your short cummings, every woman will fall for you that much more if you are great in bed. Below I will lay out some quick tips I greatly recommend buying a subscription to orgasmmastery.com it has saved my night quite a few times and is very inexpensive.

5 Quick Tips: (no pun intended)

1. Don’t masturbate when in a rush. You are training your body to finish quick. Take your time and enjoy yourself
2. Do perineum exercises 3 times a day. What the fuck is a perineum? Put your fingers on your gooch, flex the muscle that you use to clip off a poop, finish peeing, or make your boner bounce etc. Your perineum is what you feel flex and bulge when you perform these actions. It’s a muscle like any other in your body so strengthen it, it controls the flood gates. The nice part about these exercises is you can literally do them anywhere and no one will have any idea.
   
   1. Exercise 1: Flex and hold as long as you can. Repeat until fatigued.
   2. Exercise 2: Rapidly tense and release. Repeat until fatigued
   3. Exercise 3: Tense for three seconds and relax for one. Repeat until fatigued
   4. Exercise 4: Make up your own shit and have fun with it ;)
3. Three times a day at heightened moments of stress or tensity stop and meditate. You don’t need to pull out a yoga mat or start to chant. Take ten deep breaths (10 seconds in, 10 seconds out), breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Imagine the breath coming in as a white cloud and tell yourself  “Relax” and imagine your breath out as a black cloud filled with your negative emotions. When the black cloud leaves it takes the toxins with it. With every breath imagine that the white cloud is taking over more and more of your body. Controlling your breathing greatly affects your ability to wrangle out of control arousal. I still do this all the time because it feels so good
4. Turn off the porn and touch yourself more. The next time you masturbate use one hand to stroke yourself and the other to feel around. Experience the awesomeness of being touched. The goal here is that you learn to experience sex through your whole body and not just with your dick. The next time you are having sex focus more on her hands grazing your back then your p in her v.
5. When you are masturbating practice getting as close to cumming as possible without actually cumming. You won’t win sometimes but better by yourself than with a partner and this is pretty much the most fun game ever. If you do accidentally cum before you wanted DO NOT beat yourself up. It’s all good man. It’s all good.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

SAVE THE DATE: On August 11th Jen and I will be holding a social dynamics workshop that will include field work! Details to be announced on Monday. 

#NerdsUnite: Dispelling the myths of pick up and taking steps towards a happier life

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

When you think of pick up what comes to mind? For most it’s the image of outrageously dressed former dorks using magic tricks and manipulation to seduce women. I however found something very different. It is unfortunate that the industry has moved further and further into douchbaggery, only focusing on who fucked the highest number of the hottest women. There is so much substance that has been lost.

Yes I have slept with a lot of very attractive women but if you ask me what I value from the process, the bedding of women is not it. I value the self-esteem that I garnered, the comfort I feel in my own skin, the friends that I may not have met had I not known how to display my value to them and the list goes on and on. The truth is that the exploration of social dynamics is an exploration of yourself. It is finding your inner awesome, determining what makes you unique, discovering what you value in others, being able to find that value through social interaction and holding yourself to higher standards.

I recently had a discussion with my Mom about where her life is at. After some digging she confessed that she doesn’t feel as though she has any real friends. I then asked her what she saw her life looking like 10 years from now if she didn’t fix this problem that was obviously causing her distress. Her answer was that she saw herself becoming my grandfather who lives in the country alone, volunteers at a golf course, prays and reads in solitude. To each his own, but this was not what my Mom wants for herself. There are three areas of our lives that we must keep healthy; our psyche, our body, and our heart. If one of these things is lacking then it’s time to ask yourself the same question, What will your life look like in 10 years if you don’t augment your life? And even more importantly, what will your life look like if you DO make changes? Comfort does not birth change but on the other side discomfort does. So no real change happens until you decide to get out of your comfort zone and do something.

If love is one of your deficits than I am excited to say that I can help but if you are overweight or depressed I urge you to take action. Start by grabbing a piece of paper and when we’re done filling it out tape that shit to your bathroom mirror so that it stares you in the face every morning. On that piece of paper ask yourself;

Is there an area that is lacking in my life (psyche, body, love)?
What will my life look, sound and feel like 10 years from now if I don’t fix it?

What will my life look, sound and feel like 10 years from now if I do fix it?

What is my macro goal?

Ok, so now that you’ve reflected on your life and determined an area that you’d like to improve it’s time to look at micro vs macro goals. Remember that time you started a new workout plan and didn’t finish. We have all done it. Here is where most people falter, they get through the early stage of determining an area that they want to fix then they jump in. Well the problem is that without the celebration of small successes the long road to the big (macro) goal seems to drift further and further away. It is important to set tactical micro goals on a daily basis ESPECIALLY at the beginning of starting something new. Every morning you should ask yourself, What can I do today so that I can go to bed feeling like a success? Stay present and take it one day at a time.

For my friends out there that want to be better socially here is a micro tactical goal that I propose you start taking now. Look everyone in the eye and hold that contact for at least three seconds. When you look them in the eye stand tall and smile. If you are feeling self-conscious, fake it. Just the act of standing tall, smiling and holding eye contact with make you feel more confident. It’s kind of backwards but it works. For guys that have little experience talking with women that could be defined as a 9 or 10 (out of 10) make a conscious effort to engage with them in aforementioned way.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: Life revelation through paying for a BJ? Shut the front door!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

The night that I met Jen and started talking about the topic of social dynamics I had no idea she was looking for someone to bring on her team nor that I would take my first student right then and there. Steve (name is made up of course) has been texting me and although I knew that I would be confronted with some interesting questions from students this one still caught me by surprise.

I received the following text:

The fact that Steve paid for a blow job is not that interesting to me but here is what is:

There are a couple lessons that we can all take from this:

Number one is fuck societal norms! Sex is one of the greatest things a human can experience. Honestly, what feels better than a body rocking orgasm or giving the like to someone with whom you have a connection? The feeling of your naked body meeting another’s is, to me, one of the most spiritual experiences that two (or more ;)) humans can experience together. I grew up in a very conservative household so I can relate to how Steve feels. I know women face a challenge here as well, no one wants to be called derogatory names or judged (slut, whore etc.) but if you want to date multiple people do it. There needs to be a book called Everybody Fucks. There is no shame in sex and if the world did it more often we’d all be happier people. Steve came to this conclusion in an interesting way but none the less it’s something that many people struggle with.

Number two is the balance of Want vs Need. The fact is that neediness is not an attractive quality but knowing what you want and going after that is. I have found that the hardest step to dating multiple people is finding the first one. Once I am dating one person my neediness for sexual satisfaction and companionship dissipates. Women can feel that I want them but am willing to walk away. This palpable effect is very powerful. This is what Steve is talking about when he said. “not giving a shit because he always has access to sex”.

Powerful stuff!

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

Top 5 side effects from posting your sex life online

I spent 2010 traveling around the country, and 2011 exploring my sexuality. Both were hands down the coolest years of my life but for different reasons.

In the summer of 2010 when I created my account on OkCupid, we at the time had a dating coach that warned me about posting about any sexual shenanigans that occurred via the online dating site. I barked back at him saying I had to publish what actually happened in my online dating adventures (as I promised you all I would be as transparent as possible), not what made me look like the Virgin Mary.

I was definitely prepared for whatever was going to be thrown at me, but he insisted that guys didn't want to know about the adventures of the vagina, they through and through wanted to believe they were going through unchartered territory.

I gotta admit, a year and a half later - he was kinda right.

Here are the top 5 side effects I have experienced by posting my sex life online:

1. Over the Christmas holiday, my mother asked me about S&M.

"What, Jennifer - sticks and stones may break your bones, but did chains and whips really excite you?"

DIRECT QUOTE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF MY MOTHER ... I almost died. (Here is the post she was referring to)

First off though, you have to understand a bit of a back story about my family - we are all deeply perverted people. My mom's maiden name is Hoar (pronounced like whore) - and you can't help but have a sense of humor with a name like that. I vividly remember getting frustrated at 7 at people laughing at my grandparent's name so in my 7 year old frustration I screamed, what does that mean anyway?! Without skipping a beat my mom turned to me and said, a whore is Madonna sweetie.

I was left confused but at least confident I'd never ask again ... (which I didn't).

HOWEVER, being now 27 and having your mother quote not only Rihanna, but genuinely ask you that was way too much for me to handle.

And onto yet another family mortification moment ...

2. At dinner, my mom asked if the person I was dating was male or female.

Lemme just get something straight right now (no pun intended) - I am neither bi nor a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but one of my 103 dates in 9 months was female, and I found out through talking to her, and then making out - it didn't trigger the same things in me mentally. I love love love making out with chicks, I love love love playing with boobs (who DOESN'T! They are the most FANTASTIC things on this planeeeetttt!), but that's about where they stop. I'm a chickadee that enjoys a rather awesome threesome (and I have another one scheduled on Jan 6th!) but outside of that, I got nothing in the female department.

Posting about my online sexual escapades, however, mortifies my family. Like on the deepest depth of every level possible. I tell them not to read, but apparently they do - and have even quoted articles which just adds to a whole new level of therapy.

Thanks mom and dad.

3. Guys feel pressured to please me sexually.

I can have an orgasm from penetration during sex. Doesn't make me special, just makes me awesome - and in the less than 30% of women that can actually have an orgasm from penetration. By posting on this, I become some sort of mission to guys in that they ABSOLUTELY 100% cannot leave me unsatisfied during sex. It's literally the fucking funniest thing on the planet, because there I am ... just doing my thing ... and guys get really heated like, what can I do to make you cum? Did you cum? How can I help? See, here's the thing duderinos - the root of the female orgasm is in a feeling of emotional connectivity not in the mechanics of what you are doing. To make me cum, I have to like you and feel a connection with you - which one would hope that I like you if I am having sex with you - but let's also call a spade a spade, sometimes a chick is just horny.

4. I'm a magnet for status seekers.

In the last month, I have had guys utter the phrases, "what does it feel like to be worshipped?" and "how does it feel knowing that so many people want you?"

Both times I looked at them with a como say whaa?

Lifecasting to me is an art form. I don't sit there and get off on the guys that I end up rejecting, or the ones that I won't go out on a date with ... I just keep on keeping on! I am on a mission to cut out the bullshit in my own life, and psychoanalyze myself by documenting my states of consciousness on a daily basis.

This whole notion of me getting off on that feeds the male ego, not the female ego. I HELP dudes saying this is why this isn't working ... but have you tried this approach? If I got off on that I'd be a dom not a sub - for izzles. But yah, this is a side effect and makes me INCREDIBLY attractive to dudes but is an INSTANT turn off to me. Dudes, all it tells me about the guy is that he is terribly insecure if he has to find a female that has "status" - I can't date an insecure guy.

5. Men aren't really sure what to do with you.

I intimidate men - ferociously. I get told this by my guy friends on a daily basis - "I'm glad we're friends, but I would never, ever date you." Even last night at trivia, I was telling my friend about going back east for the holidays and being with my family mentioning that my brother has a girlfriend, and she goes oh wow! I'd be intimidated if you were dating my brother.

I can't win, so I don't even try with this one. I intimidate guys by being candid and honest? Wow, grow a fucking pair of balls. I can't help the way that I am. I was always a leader on school projects, and grew up not thinking but KNOWING that if I wanted to get something done I had to just do it myself.

When it comes to dating, however, this throws off the position of power. The dude has to plan the date, and the dude has to feel in control. Very very very primal, but it's true. The second that position of power is shifted guys don't know where they fit into your life and will run feeling like they have no value.

I am working on this ... but it's hard when you're a go-getter.

Also too, guys are COMPLETELY freaked out by the notion of having an online following. They are PETRIFIED that I will post on them and say something, and they will feel "exposed" and without "the final say." That, I can't help you with - but for 2012 I am making a promise to at least slow a little of my googling and allow a guy to come in and add his own value.

It's hard so so soooooooo hard, but I enjoy a good challenge. Bring it 2012!

#thatisall