Fun with #OkCupid: Just so we're clear, this is not what I meant ...

I know in my post earlier today, I said BE YOU in your first line ... this is of course true for everyone in this world except this guy ...

Did he REALLY start off his self summary with "read it and weep?" Followed by "ever since I started taking xanax my life has been so much less stressful ::insert extra space:: Stupidfaceded.. Whiteboy wasted.."

What does that even mean? Stupidfaced-ed? REALLY? REALLY?? And I'm white and still have no fucking idea what this means.

And to make matters worse, he's actually an incredibly attractive dude in his 30s and looks CRAZY normal.

Oh dear god that I do not believe in ... save us.

#fml

Fun with #OkCupid: An honest look at how a female reviews your @OkCupid profile

I have spent the last year and a half on the popular online dating website, okcupid. During that time - I kinda learned a lot. My goal for 2012 is to help you nerderinos understand more about the female psyche and what really matters to a chickadee when it comes to online dating. Here is what I hope to be the first of many ...

Please note: I don't speak for all females everywhere - I am just ferociously analytical, and genuinely enjoy helping people not suck at online dating. So here is how I analyze online dating profiles prior to messaging a duderino.

The first place my eyes go to are the ...

1. Match/ Friend/ Enemy ranking

I will always. always. always. look at our percentage of match/ friend/ and enemy first. I don't trust myself when it comes to picking out a guy, but I do trust an algorithm, and OKC has proven to be pretty rad at matching me with friends (however after over a year and a half, I'm still single - so the jury is still out on how it actually matches you in a relationship).

Super super super important to answer as many questions on OKC as you can. Sure it will take you time, but we could be matched pretty high in theory but if you only answer 15 questions to my nearly 300 - and one of those is different than I answered, the system isn't going to match us very high. SUPPEERRR important to answer at least 200. I know, I know - it's a lot ... but trust, females look at this first.

If we are matched high enough I will then click on your pictures ...

2. Pictures

After I see that we are compatible, I will then scroll through your pictures. Is this person the life of the party? Or do they merely have a series of photobooths with titles like "serious face" and "magnum." Dudes, quit being lame. Tell girls the story of your life in your photos!

Look at mine ...

There I am spinning the wheel on the price is right, skydiving, shamelessly promoting TNTML, at a hippie commune, rocking my spirithood - all of these pictures mean something to me and tell you something about my personality. Guys can tell a LOT about me by my photos ... return the freaking favor!!! Like dogs? Show me you and your puppies! Work at the Coffee Bean and make a kick ass latte? BITCHIN!!! Work that smock and have someone take a pic of you making your magic. Your default picture should ALWAYS be a clear shot of your face with a genuine smile, but the rest of your pictures should be you visually telling people the story of your life.

If I like the story you are telling visually - I will then click back to your profile and fully read it ...

3. Read the actual profile.

I have clocked myself, and I spend less than 15 seconds viewing a dude's online profile. That's freaking it!! FIFTEEN SECONDS!!!

You have to keep your profile short and sweet while remembering to actually answer all of the questions. Don't pull the, "well I'd like you to get to know me, so why should I really put anything in there anyway." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is a sales game!! Sell yourself to me!! I'm not even going to send you a message let alone agree to freaking meet with you if you don't entice me a little.

You can TOTALLY be cheeky with it too if you're a cheeky person! Be you! Look at mine ...

Your opening line in your profile should always grab people. In this particular instance I'm traveling - so I mention that in the opening line ... but otherwise, mine leads with "dirty hippies speak to my soul and Jesus Christ isn't my superstar." BOOM!!! Can't you feel the personality jumping off of the page right there?

Now it's your turn!! I can't BEGIN to tell you how many profiles I've read that say ...

I'm a kind guy. Down to earth. Hard working oh, and I'm funny ... blah. blah. blah. blah. blah.

If you were funny you would have made me laugh with your opening line. You have less than 15 seconds to grab a girl's attention - the opening line is everything.

Be witty, be creative - but most importantly ... just be you!

I even had one guy call out the fact that chick's don't fully read profiles in his profile. I forget how he worded it, but he said he had less than 30 seconds to catch your eye, and basically if you had gotten this far you had already deemed him attractive and he shouldn't say much more out of fear for fucking it up.

I laughed so hard I immediately messaged him and gave him my number asking to hang out when I get back into town.

So, what are the action items we can take away from this?

1. It's super important to answer the questions on OKC. It's how their compatability is measured, and chicks. will. look. at. this. So spend time answering them!!

2. Tell the story of your life in your pictures. OKC let's you have up to 10, so use 'em! Don't just have a series of photobooths, have some action shots!! Don't have pics? Not a problem! Ask a friend to help you out! Make an afternoon out of it, whatever! It's SUPER important to have the variety so if you want to actually find someone, you have to make this a priority.

3. Grab the chick's attention with a witty opening line in your profile. And again, this is about you expressing your personality, so if you're not a witty person - go you! Be you! But EXPRESS WHO YOU ARE IN THE FIRST SENTENCE!!! She's not going to read the entire thing on the first pass, so you have to grab her attention right from the get go.

Happy online dating nerds!! If there's anything I can do to help you can always reach out to me - here's my OKC profile. Good luck out there! xoxoxo

#nerdsunite

Fun with #OkCupid: This is what happens when you get suspended from @OkCupid

Last week was an interesting one on OKC. As some of you may know, I had a duderino hit me up wanting me to be his slave. He even hypnotized me over the phone, and flash forward 24 hours later when he fully read my profile and apparently checked out this loverly site he decided that he didn't want me to write about the experience. I then bit back at him and said fuck no, this is how I lead my life ... I won't sacrifice that for anyone. He then sent me a series of threatening text messages, and not out of fear but frankly frustration - I instead posted a video on the experience. You can watch it over yonder:

He then told me he was going to contact OKC and have me suspended.

See, in their TOS (terms of service) they say that you're not allowed to post shiznat from their site on anything else. This is why I don't post people's avatars or anything as well. I for reals don't need the bad karma, but you're actually not allowed to in general as part of their TOS. I've reached out to OKC HUNNDDREEEDDDSSSSSS of times - so I know they know about the 103 dates in 9 months and the thesis, but technically speaking of course they could suspend my account.

The duderino emailed them sometime last Thursday ... and on Friday morning I woke up to this ...

See, normally when you go to visit OkCupid.com and you're already a member, it just automatically logs you in. 

I KNEW right away seeing this screen what was coming, but I still entered in my password and was then greeted with this screen ...

I then tried logging in through their Android App on my phone, and was greeted with the same message.

I was suspended one other time last December because someone was pissed that I posted an email (hence why now I also have a disclaimer in my profile).

If you go to my OKC profile you will now see this screen ...

Um ... yeah, I don't restrict my account - this is just them saying that I'm suspended in their, "we're not technically saying she's suspended ... but know, she's suspended" kinda way.

What happened in the past was that they enabled my account after about a week, and everything just moves on. I've emailed them twice asking what was up, but that's what has happened in the past.

Me thinks it's part of their business plan to penalize the person for violating their TOS while at the same time negating the situation for long enough so that the person that reported them also feels validated. (Hence why they don't take down your account or email you - rather just say, they're experiencing "technical difficulties".) Dude, OKC gets free publicity on this site. It would behoove them to keep that shizzy shiznat up, but whatevs. It happens.

So yeah - if you've tried emailing me on OKC in the last week, unfortunately I didn't receive it. I'm neither here nor there on the entire situation. I'm pretty much over OKC anyway, and have been looking for other dating site options. We shall see however if they return my account.

Kinda lame, not gonna lie - but after a year and a half on the site maybe it's time I move on anyway.

Either way, if you've gotten this screen on OKC know that someone reported you for some violation of TOS and after about a week you should be back up and running. Don't worry your account info and everything is saved; your profile will go back to normal once they lift the suspension. They don't email you or anything, you are literally just able to login again.

There ya go nerderinos! I've apparently been a bad bad girl ...

#SHAME

UPDATE: about an hour after I posted this they reinstated my profile. All is well once again. Note to nerds, to get reinstated don't send them an email just post a blog on your website! YAY LIFE!!

Fun with #OkCupid: Last night I had a date with Michael Bolton

OMG last night was hilarious ... last night I had a date with a guy that has a SUPER famous name. BUT because I can't tell you all his actual name since that negates my while privacy thing with dudes - we'll just call him Michael Bolton.

Office Space ... anyone ... anyone ??

Greatest movie EVER!!!!

<tangent> I was actually in a commercial once with Richard Riehle a few years back.

He's literally one of the nicest people on the planet. Super super super cool dude. You can watch the commercial here ...

</tangent>

So yeah! I have to protect the dude's identity but it is LITERALLY one of the most identifiable names ... ever. So much so when he signed up for Facebook he couldn't actually secure his own name since it is so super duper famous. High-larious.

I'm pretty sure he found me on OKC first, then friended me on Facebook. I'm personally not mad at being friended on Facebook before a date because I run a website, and am transparent and will reach out to ANYONE that ask - but note to nerds, this ain't cool with most chicks.

In FACT I was laughing to @jennhoffman the other day about this guy's name saying this was a first and the COOLEST THING EVER - and she goes OMG he tried friending me but I didn't accept him since I had no idea who he was.

Yeah man, big no no.

We met at a bar in WeHo, and after we grabbed our beers we found a seat in a cozy little nook and started talking.

I very honestly hadn't done any research on this dude, nor could I remember how compatible we were on the OKC algorithm, again I was just excited BECAUSE OF HIS FRIGGEN NAME!! BAHHH!!

We started talking, and he told me about his years spent in real estate.

Pretty cool, I thought.

He then asks what I do - and I look at him a bit surprised.

Wait, you don't know what I do? I ask. I run a website, I say.

I then catch myself ...

You know that I write about dates, right? I talk about nerds, sex, and tech on my website, but I just want to make sure you know what I do in case I choose to write about this date.

Like very literally at that point if he wasn't cool with it - I would have walked out. TOTALLY not even kidding! I don't want to converse with ANNYYONNNNNEEEEEEE if I can't write about them.

OkCupid sex slave ... anyone? anyone?

This website is my art, it is my life - it's my THING! It's my contribution to the world!! If you're asking for a moment of my time sacrificing something that I potentially can't write about - I'm DONE! DONE! DONE! Very matter of fact.

He, however, seemed pretty cool with it.

But it was actually hilarious that he kept asking questions ...

So, wait, you make money from your website? This is what you do for a living?

Yep, I explain - I bartered social media to live for a year traveling around with only $10 to my name, and am a professional adventure haver.

The words at this point were coming out of my mouth, but I realized he wasn't really getting it.

This was also another first. Out of the 103 dates in 9 months - and god only knows how many I've had since, dudes know what they're getting into with me, so I very rarely talk about myself. VERY RARELY. The first dates that I have all start mid sentence. It's GREAT! No bs of ... sooooooo what made you get into what you're doing? And how long do you think you'll do it for ... blah blah blah.

I explained to him that I now travel around to kick it with friends of the site in various cities and he goes, wait, "friends of the site?"

He very literally had no idea that people even read us. I wasn't mad at it, but trying to explain what I do to people is an INCREDIBLY abstract concept to people who don't get the social web space.

We did however talk about his ORM (online reputation management) which for him is AMAZING because he can hide like no other! For reals, his name is THAT famous that when people google he very literally doesn't come up.

I've never been able to google myself, he said.

That. Is. Amazing. I said!! And totally a first.

The date overall was pretty cool, but I just didn't feel any chemistry. He's a nice guy but he didn't get any of my pop culture references.

I don't keep up with those things, he said.

I felt like a New Coke in an old Coke world. And we all know what happened to New Coke ...

#sigh

Fun with #OkCupid: My response to the sex master hypnotist (#Video)

No words can be said right now. I am laughing so hard at how in less than 24 hours something that sounded so hot turned so unbelievably nasty. And dudes, not even the fun kinda nasty cause I'm totes game for getting down and dirty. RAAWWRRRR!!!

Here is the story, not in written form - but via my mothafucking mouth. Hope you enjoy!

Four words ...

#thatisall