Fun with #OKCupid: 3 different emails ... 3 different responses

First up, if you haven't read my OKC profile - you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I've received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn't in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K ... cool ... here we go ...

Okaaayyyyyy, clearly this guy is trying to be funny - but this joke is falling horrifically flat for multiple reasons:

1. I don't have kids - it says so in my profile.

2. If I were to have kids - condoning child abuse is no bueno duderino. I was a nanny and worked at a day care AND day camp; don't fuck with the little ones.

3. This wasn't even funny.

CORRECTION: HA! Someone posted in the comments and reminded me that this was a line from Mrs. Doubtfire. Wow - that one went right over my head. Now I remember that was in the same scene where he goes "I am Job" too. I'm now embarrassed, and not sure how to reply back having dissed this guy so publicly. ::hangs head in shame:: suggestions? Post in comments!

Setup: This one is a two parter. The guy's screen name is ILoveBlondes plus a series of numbers ...

Face ... meet palm. Okay, this tells me a few things about this dude ... 

1. He isn't in control of his own life. Really? Your friends have to create your OKC profile? I mean I know I was pushed into online dating because of a friend of mine - but lame sauce man. You're a dude, grow a pair!

2. He's insecure. Why else would he ask me to be friends with him? I'm on OKC to date and hopefully from that find someone. Why on EAAARRRTHHH would I ever just want to be friends with guys on here. No bueno.

Actual Response: None

HAHA RAD!!! But hold on that one doesn't count ... it just made me smile ... lemme find another one ...

DUDE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!

Hahaha this one was a first - I've never had a guy actually start an email out with YOU THERE?! Like as if by capsing and screaming SUPER LOUD into his monitor I'd actually be able to hear him.

I am also thoroughly confused if he thinks I actually do live inside the computer. Why is he asking me if I am there? Does he not get how emails operate in general because if that is the case then oooohhhh nelly will this duderino and I not get along.

What would I ever want to do with you if we ever spent time together? Hmmm let's see ... I'd like to play a game of hide and go seek. You go hide, and I'll TOTALLY try and find you.

Oh goodness gracious - this is just epic fail on a lot of levels.

Actual Response: None

As I've said before 1,000 times and I will say 1,000 more - pull ONE SINGLE detail out from a chick's profile on OKC and ask her to elaborate. For example - I talk about Unicorn pee in my profile, maybe you could comment on that. Or the fact that I totes heart The Matrix ... OOORRRR the fact that I bartered social media to live for a year. Whatever floats your boat and whatever you GENUINELY want to know about - friggen ask. The. first. email. is. always. about. the. chick.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble with that men, but it is INCREDIBLY matter of fact that I don't even email dudes on OKC - they email me. That. is. a. constant.

So, now your next doable action in being able to get the first date (which is of course your ultimate goal in sending someone an email online) - is to stand apart from the pack.

How do you do that?

1. Have a GENUINE smile in your default. (Also your default picture should be a CLEAR SHOT OF YOUR FACE!!! AND THAT'S IT!!! Take off the hats, glasses, ALL OF IT!!! It will only make me think that you're hiding something.)

2. Pull a specific detail from the chick's profile. You have NOOOO idea how many generic - how you doins a chick gets on a daily basis - stand out!

3. Keep. It. Simple. Stupid. Your first email to a chick should be very casual and VERY concise. We get a lot of 'em, and don't have a lot of time to read everything ... so catch our attention by being the guy who pulled ONE SPECIFIC DETAIL and had a GENUINE SMILE IN HIS DEFAULT - and boom ... as a chick I'd totes respond back.

There ya go nerderinos. Here is to another happy and healthy year of online dating.

#love

Fun with #OkCupid: We live in the smallest. world. ever.

Looky looky the email I just got on OKC ...

Dudes - this guy was actually right!! I didn't check in to anywhere I was ... or ANYTHING!! No hints and I didn't even pick the place until a few hours before I went there, so there was no way this guy could have know. Totally coincidental.

I can't BEGIN to tell you how small of a world it is that we live in now because of social media - it for reals blows my mind every. single. day.

#crazy

PS. I'm not mad at gingers. They're kinda hot.

P.P.S. I totes heart when guys start an email with "this is going to sound bizarre and even creepy."

Click here to read about my latest date - it was with a guy who agreed with the Unabomber.

Are you on OkCupid? Me too! Drop me a love note and if you live in LA maybe we can totes even go out on a date. Maybe? Maybe? Mayybbeeee???

Fun with #OkCupid: So, last night I went out on a date with a guy who agreed with the Unabomber

HAHA did he REALLY just say that?

OMG the truth is reallly IS stranger than fiction!!

So about a month and some change ago this duderino on OKC hit me up. (As per my usual - I am on the online dating website OKCupid and you guys should totes check it out cause it's like free, and they use math to get you dates - yah! for real.) I read his email, then checked out his profile - did he have a genuine smile? yep! check ... I kept reading ...and saw this ...

Dude sounded amazing ... so I then clicked on his avatar highlighting more photos and saw this ...

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!

Fuck yeah - I immediately got back to the guy not only telling him that we should meet up but letting him know when I'd be back in town and offering my number.

That is literally the best photo I have seen on OKC, btw.

So some more time went by - didn't hear from him ... then I get an email saying he had been sick or something, whatever - still told him to hit me back (frankly I wasn't holding my breath there) ... and a few days ago, he actually called and we arranged to meet up on Thursday night (aka last night).

Everything in life was happening as per my usual - I had gotten laid the night before by a dear friend, which lead me to want to start a UGC blog called OnTheFloorFromTheNightBefore.com, which lead me to meeting a supermodel while trying to get off the phone with my Aunt Laurie - but not without managing to look like a complete dweeb in the process (thanks 7/11 lady ...). Read more all about that here.

Literally 20 minutes before the date, I was STILL not ready for it. I had agreed to meet him at a bar not too far from my place, but I was SOO FREAKING JAZZED about the UGC blog and creating the Facebook like page for it - that my mind was anywhere but this date.

I was then reminded about his Iron Fist 3: Fists of Iron photo and just how AWESOME it was and I somehow managed to pull myself away from the macbook pro, throwing on some make up, and running out the door. (Thanks again to Blowfish shoes! Rocked a pair of Vances!)

I then get to the bar, fortunately only being 2 minutes late (WHEW) - and after looking around realize I beat him here.

I then copped a squat in the main bar area and waited. Moments later, the men's bathroom door opened and a guy approached the table.

Hi! You must be Jen.

Yes I say, still remaining seated since the bar set up did not make it easy to get out of the booth.

I won't hug you since you say you don't like to be touched ... he said

I then laugh saying, no - I'm getting over it; I then initiated my Confident Hug.

<tangent> So so so many times in life people don't know whether they should shake your hand or hug you, so what I do is go in for a "Confident Hug" - a warm and open hug at the beginning or end of the date to negate any awkwardness a guy may feel about not knowing what your preference is. CONFIDENT HUG FTW!! Works EVERY FREAKING TIME and puts people at ease. </tangent>

We then sat down and I went to get a beer as he had already had his.

I sit back down at the booth, and he immediately begins talking.

I've never been out on a first date with someone and known so much about them.

Yeah, it's the only way I survived 103 dates in 9 months - not a lot of dudes asked me questions. I entered into everything mid sentence and cut out all the bullshit. It was pretty nice actually.

We then started talking - I asked him what he did for fun, and he told me. Followed by me finally realizing I also have no idea what this guy did for a living, so I asked ...

I was a lawyer until recently. I didn't want to do it anymore - all I want to do is write.

That's rad! Do you have a blog?

No, I don't understand anything about the tech space.

You don't need to understand the tech space to at least blog, dude! Creating your OKC account was way more difficult than starting a blog and you've seemed to have mastered that one.

He thought about it, and then told me he was passionate as well about helping out some Occupy Movement peeps.

Whew I thought, thank GOODD I wasn't wearing my 1% sweatshirt ...

That could have gotten awkward. Dodged a bullet on that one!!

We then keep talking, and one beer becomes two, and two becomes three. I was impressed with the guy - he was a GREAT conversationalist. He asked me a shit ton of questions, and we got pretty deep on a few issues. Major kudos. We had a very very very intelligent conversation.

He then admits, I have to be honest with you - I didn't think we were going to get along.

Oh? I ask

Yeah - I'm not a big fan of social media.

Well, what don't you like about it?

I mean I'm on Facebook, and I see that there is not much I can do about it anymore - but I kinda agree with the Unabomber on a lot of issues regarding privacy.

The second the words came out of his mouth I started LAAAUUUGGHHHIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG.

OMG OMG OMG, I was shaking, please for the love of all things holy let me tweet that. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!! I thought.

He then starts to backpedal feeling embarrassed by my laughter, and I stop him.

No - that's a GENIUS idea for a blog. I then told him about tumblr, and he should create an account with this cutesey title I told him.

Here, I said grabbing my phone - let's check if the domain is available.

Moments later, I entered in the domain ...

YEP! It's available. Dude, you have to go home and create this account. For the love of all things holy this is a such a good idea. I'll totally walk you through the process.

You're a true marketer he said.

YES!!! And good GOD this will get people to click on your blog, and if your writing is good enough - it will keep them there.

He thought about it, and then said he was considering a career in politics one day as well and he wasn't sure if having his name associated with the unabomber was such a good idea.

UGH! I thought!!! I get so FREAKING FRUSTRATED with people who want to have this massive "control" over their career before they even have one. Like the duderino over the summer that I took to an interview that ended up being an orgy - he is the nephew of a SUPPPPEERRRRR famous actor. Like CRAZZZYYYYY famous - like every. single. person. knows this actor because he is literally a legend.

That duderino wanted to be a writer, and wanted to maybe one day as well get into acting - but he kept saying over and over how much he was afraid to put himself out there because it would "one day come back and haunt him." Fuck that shit and OWN IT!!!

You're talking jibberish if you haven't even DONE ANYTHING TO BEGIN WITH!!!!! You HAAAVVEEEEE to put yourself out there to find your voice and then work with what is working. It can't be controlled and be the other way around. FUCK ME SILLY I control nothing with this brand and with this website. When I first started it I wanted to predict trends in the social space talking about social media. Then, I realized I wanted to get back into lifecasting - and now I am somewhere in between the two using technology as the backdrop talking about my experiences in life as a lifecaster. Of course the first time I talked about sex I was PETRIFIED to do it - but now I do, and it's RAD!!! You. Have. To. Put. Yourself. Out. There. No press is bad press.

Well, unless you have a chinchilla fetish and have a sex vid of you petting chinchillas while masturbating cause that shit would just be weird.

If you're not that guy though, you should be good.

The SECOND someone says something to me like that - I just go lah lah lah - BULLSHIT! You're just afraid to get out the gate - which dudes, is totally understandable ... but just put on your big boy pants and get it the fuck going.

Albeit, yeah, I do understand that politics is a HORSE of a different color (dudes, my bro works at the pentagon) so I can definitely see both sides, but I still call bullshit.

We then talked politics for a hot minute and after we each grabbed a glass of water we called it a night.

He walked me out and I gave him another Confident Hug. I was thoroughly impressed with the dude overall though, I gotta admit - but if he doesn't start the blog that we talked about I'm pretty much meh. And not even with the title I suggested (although it is freaking GENIUS and if he doesn't take it after 90 days I'll post the idea on the site and tell someone that they should start it) - but just A blog in general. I'm done with people talking up a big game and not backing it up. Life is for the taking and time is running out, man. Gotta get going while the getting is good - so we shall see.

It's funny actually he texted me right as I was writing this ...

He asked me last night what I was doing for NYE and I told him that per the shaman's advice I would be spending the holiday alone.

(I've been seeing a modern day shaman for the last few months - REALLY RAD DUDE!! Read more about our last session here.)

So - there ya go, that was last night. I'll text him back in a bit - haha I've never given a date homework before, but for reals if this guy wants to be a writer and even gave up his day job to do it - he's already TEN STEPS ahead of everyone else, and he just needs a push.

Want a second date with me a duderino? Start your blog. If it doesn't suck I'll even give you link love.

Peace love and lollipops! =)

#thatisall

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

Dealbreakers. Such a finality.  Every relationship starts with a set of objectives, wants, desires, likes, dislikes, and dealbreakers.  The latter being the final and only straw it takes to just say “No” to hugs.

Some people have too many, some people too few, but most people at least have some set of “no-no’s” that will end a relationship before it starts.  Breaking down the word into two will help us understand exactly what it means.

A personal relationship, just like a business relationship, constitutes a deal.  “I will give you seven schillings if you don’t sleep with my sister.  Do we have a deal?”  If you don’t hold onto your end of the bargain by sleeping with the sister, then no schillings for you.  I guess I’ll have to get my milk the old-fashioned way, by going to the milk maid… Who also happens to be your sister.

People have a lot of likes and dislikes.  What’s your favorite beer? “Racer 5.”  Who is your favorite historical figure?  “Alexander the Great.”  What’s your favorite sexual position?  “Umm.. the one where I’m inside of you?”

It might not be a dealbreaker if we drink different beers or have different heroes, but it might be a dealbreaker if you didn’t find that last part funny.

Truthfully, the term “dealbreakers” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, semantically speaking, when it comes to first dates or online dating.  What kind of a deal did we enter into when I clicked on your profile?  Why wasn’t I informed of this deal?  I want to speak to my lawyer.  It would be more proper to say it’s a deal-killer-before-it-started because I never wanted your schillings, but it’s sure a whole lot easier to just say dealbreaker.  And it’s a lot more fun to say.  “That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!”

The following are some of my own personal dealbreakers, which I’m sure will just be heart-breaking for all those concerned.  I’m the complete opposite of a person that thinks their opinion is the only right opinion, and my views don’t reflect anybody else or say that you’re wrong for having these qualities.  These are just my preferences, and a fun activity for me to go through.

Doesn’t Use Proper Punctuation?  That’s a Dealbreaker!

 A profile that doesn’t use proper punctuation is not a profile for me.  I would add “grammar” to this list, but I will point that I only mean “obvious grammar.”  I’m still working out my own demons with colons, semi-colons, and ellipses. 

The best part about this example is that she spends a lot of time thinking about “how to be more like Steve jobs.”  This gives me visions of a world where jobs are only described by a proper name.  Want to be a plumber?  We call them “Donald’s.”  Want to be a lawyer?  That’s a “Suzanne.”  You don’t want to grow up to be an astronaut; you want to grow up to be a “Neal.” 

I wish her luck on her endeavor to find a Steve job, I hear it pays quite well.

You Rarely or Never Drink?  That’s a Dealbreaker!

This is a good time to emphasize once again, that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not drinking or rarely drinking.  I don’t expect my beliefs to be your beliefs or vice versa.  I just don’t see how we can possibly be soul mates if I drink every weekend.  I used to be coy about certain things in my profile like “Smokes sometimes” or “Drinks socially” but then I realized that was fucking stupid.  It’s better to just be honest about who you are and not give a shit about whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for somebody else.

I commend her for being honest about rarely drinking up-front and she clearly has no worries throughout her introduction about being a dealbreaker for somebody.  Pointing out that she’s blunt and guys “might not like (her) very much.”  Frankly, that just scares me right off the bat.  Not because I’m afraid to hear the truth, but because it almost feels like she’s already got the gun cocked and if I message her, her first reply will tell me how ugly I look in blue.

I also was quite amused at this: “I am always laughing… Most of the time it’s at myself haha.”  She wasn’t kidding.  She does like to laugh at herself. 

Is That Your Boyfriend?  DEALBREAKER!

Seriously, dealbreaker, dealbreaker, DEALBREAKER.  I am still dumfounded by pictures of a girl with a guy on a dating website.  And especially with all the guys that are better looking than I am!  I mean, is that your boyfriend?  Your ex-boyfriend?  The guy you wish was your boyfriend?  Hey, let’s just avoid this whole awkward moment by you not putting up pictures where it looks like you’re on a date.

That’s it for Dealbreakers.  On another note, I am debuting my new blog.  I write on several websites, but it seemed like a good time for me to compile a bunch of my own material on one central location.  I’ve spent a little bit of time compiling content so that when people go there, they know what to expect.  There will be funny pictures, articles on all kinds of topics, and some movie reviews.  If you like my writing at all, please go check it out at www.kennethauthor.com.  If you like the website at all, then please join, bookmark, share, tweet, spread the word.  The blog is just a brand new baby in beta stages, but I believe in the content and that it will make you laugh.  Go check it out! 

And thank you Jen Friel for giving me this forum on a weekly basis and to Melodie (@MyMelodie) for giving me some critiques and ideas! 

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Kenny on twitter!

Top 5 side effects from posting your sex life online

I spent 2010 traveling around the country, and 2011 exploring my sexuality. Both were hands down the coolest years of my life but for different reasons.

In the summer of 2010 when I created my account on OkCupid, we at the time had a dating coach that warned me about posting about any sexual shenanigans that occurred via the online dating site. I barked back at him saying I had to publish what actually happened in my online dating adventures (as I promised you all I would be as transparent as possible), not what made me look like the Virgin Mary.

I was definitely prepared for whatever was going to be thrown at me, but he insisted that guys didn't want to know about the adventures of the vagina, they through and through wanted to believe they were going through unchartered territory.

I gotta admit, a year and a half later - he was kinda right.

Here are the top 5 side effects I have experienced by posting my sex life online:

1. Over the Christmas holiday, my mother asked me about S&M.

"What, Jennifer - sticks and stones may break your bones, but did chains and whips really excite you?"

DIRECT QUOTE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF MY MOTHER ... I almost died. (Here is the post she was referring to)

First off though, you have to understand a bit of a back story about my family - we are all deeply perverted people. My mom's maiden name is Hoar (pronounced like whore) - and you can't help but have a sense of humor with a name like that. I vividly remember getting frustrated at 7 at people laughing at my grandparent's name so in my 7 year old frustration I screamed, what does that mean anyway?! Without skipping a beat my mom turned to me and said, a whore is Madonna sweetie.

I was left confused but at least confident I'd never ask again ... (which I didn't).

HOWEVER, being now 27 and having your mother quote not only Rihanna, but genuinely ask you that was way too much for me to handle.

And onto yet another family mortification moment ...

2. At dinner, my mom asked if the person I was dating was male or female.

Lemme just get something straight right now (no pun intended) - I am neither bi nor a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but one of my 103 dates in 9 months was female, and I found out through talking to her, and then making out - it didn't trigger the same things in me mentally. I love love love making out with chicks, I love love love playing with boobs (who DOESN'T! They are the most FANTASTIC things on this planeeeetttt!), but that's about where they stop. I'm a chickadee that enjoys a rather awesome threesome (and I have another one scheduled on Jan 6th!) but outside of that, I got nothing in the female department.

Posting about my online sexual escapades, however, mortifies my family. Like on the deepest depth of every level possible. I tell them not to read, but apparently they do - and have even quoted articles which just adds to a whole new level of therapy.

Thanks mom and dad.

3. Guys feel pressured to please me sexually.

I can have an orgasm from penetration during sex. Doesn't make me special, just makes me awesome - and in the less than 30% of women that can actually have an orgasm from penetration. By posting on this, I become some sort of mission to guys in that they ABSOLUTELY 100% cannot leave me unsatisfied during sex. It's literally the fucking funniest thing on the planet, because there I am ... just doing my thing ... and guys get really heated like, what can I do to make you cum? Did you cum? How can I help? See, here's the thing duderinos - the root of the female orgasm is in a feeling of emotional connectivity not in the mechanics of what you are doing. To make me cum, I have to like you and feel a connection with you - which one would hope that I like you if I am having sex with you - but let's also call a spade a spade, sometimes a chick is just horny.

4. I'm a magnet for status seekers.

In the last month, I have had guys utter the phrases, "what does it feel like to be worshipped?" and "how does it feel knowing that so many people want you?"

Both times I looked at them with a como say whaa?

Lifecasting to me is an art form. I don't sit there and get off on the guys that I end up rejecting, or the ones that I won't go out on a date with ... I just keep on keeping on! I am on a mission to cut out the bullshit in my own life, and psychoanalyze myself by documenting my states of consciousness on a daily basis.

This whole notion of me getting off on that feeds the male ego, not the female ego. I HELP dudes saying this is why this isn't working ... but have you tried this approach? If I got off on that I'd be a dom not a sub - for izzles. But yah, this is a side effect and makes me INCREDIBLY attractive to dudes but is an INSTANT turn off to me. Dudes, all it tells me about the guy is that he is terribly insecure if he has to find a female that has "status" - I can't date an insecure guy.

5. Men aren't really sure what to do with you.

I intimidate men - ferociously. I get told this by my guy friends on a daily basis - "I'm glad we're friends, but I would never, ever date you." Even last night at trivia, I was telling my friend about going back east for the holidays and being with my family mentioning that my brother has a girlfriend, and she goes oh wow! I'd be intimidated if you were dating my brother.

I can't win, so I don't even try with this one. I intimidate guys by being candid and honest? Wow, grow a fucking pair of balls. I can't help the way that I am. I was always a leader on school projects, and grew up not thinking but KNOWING that if I wanted to get something done I had to just do it myself.

When it comes to dating, however, this throws off the position of power. The dude has to plan the date, and the dude has to feel in control. Very very very primal, but it's true. The second that position of power is shifted guys don't know where they fit into your life and will run feeling like they have no value.

I am working on this ... but it's hard when you're a go-getter.

Also too, guys are COMPLETELY freaked out by the notion of having an online following. They are PETRIFIED that I will post on them and say something, and they will feel "exposed" and without "the final say." That, I can't help you with - but for 2012 I am making a promise to at least slow a little of my googling and allow a guy to come in and add his own value.

It's hard so so soooooooo hard, but I enjoy a good challenge. Bring it 2012!

#thatisall