#NerdsUnite: My first adult heartbreak (PT. 1)

<editorsnote> In this series of posts, I hope to explore and examine my first adult relationship and subsequent heart break in the hopes of releasing what may or may not still be present. </editorsnote> 

If you want to skip ahead, scroll down for part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8.

I never wanted to write about this story. I don't know why, but I never thought there was a problem with it. We dated, it didn't work out, he had a child, now has a fiancé - life moves on. 

However, he was my only serious relationship. Like actual relationship ... relationship. He called me his girlfriend, I called him my boyfriend. We lived together. Why don't I want to talk about this? 

Oh and did I mention I have pages ... and pages ... and pages of journals ... 

The story of Noah

Along with the most personal video I have ever put on online that I had ZERO intention of ever releasing ... 

You can't tell me a guy makes you cry like that, and you're not effected in one way or another. 

Ah fuck my life. 

I spent the night watching Titanic to prepare for this post. It was Noah's favorite movie. No ... like seriously ... his FAVORITE movie. I don't get it either, this isn't normally a dudes type of thing ... 

What dude says Titanic is his favorite movie?? I don't say that to emasculate but to say what little I actually feel like I ever knew of Noah. Even looking back now ... I can read the written word in my journals - and watch the video ... but I'm still confused. 

These series of posts will be my best attempt to piece things together. I'm also drinking beer while writing it since I very literally do think there is a massive block in my noggin in not wanting to release this. So prepare yourself for some brutal honesty kiddies. Brutal honesty ... YAY LIFE!!! 

Here's the song that goes with the post ... seems a tad dramatic, but also pretty fitting ... 

The story of Noah starts in June of 2006 with my friend Cindy (name has been changed). Cindy had been friends with my friend Amanda whom I met through this dude that my dad's old college roommate knew. Crazy small world (scroll down to the post script at the end of this post here). Amanda and I were besties for almost 2 years at that point, but when I met Cindy - something clicked. We were immediate totes besties ... sisters from a different mister ... womb buddies. We were TIGHT! 

Yep that was me. Guilty as charged making duck faces in photos and posting them online. ::facepalm::We hung out almost every weekend at various clubs, even making duck faces in the pics we would post on Myspace. 

OMMMMGGGG we were those girls. 

To say she and I were close is an understatement. At that point in my life, I had never had a friend like Cindy. She was so cool, so effortless, so neurotic, so Hollywood!

<tangent> Her dad was a big studio muck - like household name type shit. So I learned pretty quickly what was "real" in this town and what was BS. </tangent>

Our relationship grew so much that we even got the same tattoo together. 

I had told her on AIM one day that I wanted to get love written on my wrist, and she freaked out going OMG OMG OMG I've wanted the same thing too!! So she and I together popped our tattoo cherries and are forever connected through ink. 

True story. See this tat ... Cindy has the other one ... 

We didn't do it to get "matchy matchy" tats - it was more of a common interest thing, and we were both so scared we went together to get it. 

One weekend, not long after getting our tattoos - we went to go and see the Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. 

I know ... I know ... UBER chick flick, but whatevs - I will own that shit. 

In the middle of the movie she got a text on her Sidekick from one of her friends and she starts crying. 

My friend Noah's mom just died, she said. 

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that. Were you two close? I whisper.

Yes, very. 

Do you want to leave? 

No, it's fine. I just need to head home after this. 

Not a problem. 

We then continued to watch the movie, which at the time, I loved. (I'm lying - I STILL LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!)

::tears:: It's just ... so ... beauti-fullllllllllllllll ... ::passes tissue:: 

Is there anything sexier than a love that defies the time space continuum?? 

UGHHHH!!! LOVE IT LONG TIME!!! 

Flash forward a few weekends later, and it's 4th of July. 

Cindy invites me to a BBQ at her friend's house. 

::into the phone:: Remember my friend Noah, she said. Well, he's throwing this 4th of July get together, and you should totally come! Bring that guy you're dating! I'd love to meet him! 

Great! Will do! 

<tangent> See, at the time, I had been dating this duderino named Mark (name not changed) for a few weeks. He's a super super super great guy, but like 10 years my senior, and on a VERY different life track. He wanted to make me a wifey, and I wasn't even willing to officially date him. Seriously ... like I wouldn't let him call me his girlfriend - we were dating ... JUST dating. </tangent> 

Cindy, Amanda, and I met up at Cindy's parents casa before heading over. This was an actual picture taken on that day ... 

Cindy is giving Mark directions to Noah's house on my phone.

So, Amanda, Cindy, and I hang out for a bit - then head over in one car to Noah's crib, and Mark was directed to meet us there. 

The girls and I arrive at Noah's and the party is popping. In less than 5 seconds I was introduced to at least 10 people. 

Hi, I'm so and so ... 

Hi, I'm so and so ... 

Hi, I'm so and so ... 

Hi, I'm so and so ... 

OMG please for the love of all things holy tell me there isn't a quiz after this. 

My mind raced, and my head hurt. SO.MANY.PEOPLE!!! 

We then step outside. 

Cindy approaches the grill-master, they embrace. As they pull away I finally get a clear shot ... and my breath is taken away. 

No, like literally ... fucking Berlin broke out of the bushes and started singing. 

Hi, I'm Noah, he says. 

Hi ... I'm ...  speechless. 

Oh, I mean, Jen! Quit being dorky Friel. 

Amanda approached the BBQ area from the house, Jen, Mark is here. 

Who? I say looking at Noah. 

Mark ... your uh, friend, Mark? 

Right! One second I say as I sashay out the door thinking please stare at my ass ... please stare at my ass ... PLEASE.STARE.AT.THE.ASS. 

I look back, he is looking ... 

SCORE! Yes! He's staring at the ass!!!! 

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFFFFFGGGG!!! I think as I walk away. Cindy told me she had a FRIEND Noah, she failed to mention she had a SUPER FUCKING HOT FRIEND NOAH!!!! 

Girl fail. Epic girl fail. For reals, at least throw in the - hey, btw, he's gorgeous. Throw a girl a bone here so we're not all caught off guard!!! 

I greet Mark at the door, and invite him to meet all the guys. 

Now, Mark was cute, and smart - but Noah and his friends were FUCKING HOT! I don't say that to sound superficial, although at that age I was.

<tangent> You also have to understand nerderinos, guys like Noah and his friends would NEVER EEVVVERRRR give me the time of day growing up. I wasn't even a nerd in high school, I was a nobody. I was the cute, smart girl with the hot friend. (read more about what happened with that here) Everything that I was experiencing at this party was a first for me. The first time a dude that I thought was super hot also checked ME out. UGH!! AMAZEBALLS!!! </tangent> 

The party progressed, and my flirtation with Noah didn't cease. I kept thinking over and over ... please Mark, please leave. Please please please please please leave. I know how god awful this sounds, but I am willing to sacrifice a life in hell for one night with Noah. Please please please, if there is a god, make this happen. 

Half way through the BBQ Mark approaches me - hey sweet cheeks - I gotta jet to my next event. You're cool here? 

Oh totally!! We all came here together, so you know - I can't leave my girls ... ::internal chuckle chuckle chuckle:: 

He kisses me on the cheek, as I walk him out. 

Talk soon! I say with a cutesey girl wave. 

With the most amount of excitement I have ever felt in my entire body, I take my platformed heel-ed self and RUNNNNN back upstairs to be near Noah. 

Everyone ready for some fireworks, he said. 

YES!!! I scream ... apparently too loud. 

Cindy approaches, so how are things going with you and Mark? He seems like a great guy. 

He is, I say, don't get me wrong - but he's pressuring me. He wants to date me officially, and I'm just not there, and I don't know if I ever will be. 

She nods, I understand. 

We all then get in the car and head out to a country club (which apparently someone was a member of? Not sure how that went down), to watch the fireworks. 

There were about 15 of us gathering on the lawn of the club. 

I intentionally position myself close to Noah. My hand touches his on the grass - he doesn't move it. 

OMMMMGGGGGG the upper left quadrant of my thumb is touching his palm. OMG OMG OMMMMMGGGGGGG!!! 

I look over at him and smile. 

He smiles back. 

Yep, this is going to be good - I think. 

We watched the most epic fireworks ever, go home, and later that week I hit up Cindy to get the scoop on Noah. 

::into phone:: SOOOO!! What's Noah's deal? 

Is he single? 

Yeah, he is, she says. 

GREAT!!! Can I have his number? I want to call him. 

Um, his number? she says 

Yeah! <tangent> I might have just realized that apparently I was "hot" in life, but even when commercially speaking I "wasn't" I will still ... ALWAYS go after anything I want in life. I KNEEWWW this dude was into me, so calling him was no biggie. Dudes, he checked me out, ANNNNDDD he didn't move his hand when our hands were touching watching the fireworks - that is FOR SURE an in!!! </tangent> 

She then begrudgingly gave me his number, and later that week - I gave him a call. 

::into phone:: HEY!!! It's Jen! The chick that you met at your BBQ this week. Listen, I am getting together a bunch of peeps to go out to this club Element on Friday. Are you game? 

For sure. Just let me know what time. 

DONE! I'll drop you a text. 

I hung up the phone. ::nerdy happy dance:: OMG OMG OMG OMG!! The dude that I am crushing is totally coming to this thing that I am pretending to put together this weekend. OMG! Wait, Jen! You now have to organize this thing!!! 

I called a bunch of my girls, and told them the situation. 

(pats arms on chest) Me ... Jen ... think boy is cute.

Let's all go out to Element on Friday and dance ... but me ... Jen ... likes boy. Capiche? 

CAPICHE! They all said in agreement. 

That Friday we all met up at Cindy's and went out to club Element.

This is an actual picture from that night ... 

That's Noah in the upper left hand corner ... oddly enough!

So, we all go out to Club Element which was totes like the "it" spot to be back then ... and within the first .25 seconds of us being there, Noah and I are already flirting. 

him: How you doin? 

me: How YOU doin? I say with a wink. ;) 

We then started dancing, and OMMMMMMMGGGG I was turned on. 

FTR, dancing is an UNBELIEVABLE pre-cursor to how a dude is in bed. Seriously, male nerderinos, take a dance class. Learn rhythm. In that moment, I knew we were going to bone. Well, technically speaking the first moment I laid eyes on him I HOPED we would bone ... but in that moment, based on his movement and my response, I knew it was going down.  

He then pulled me aside off the dance floor, and kissed me. 

Choirs started singing.

OMGGGGGGG!!!! This is happening. Breathe Friel, breathe! The hottest dude you have ever seen is now not only here, with you, but KISSING you!! Breathe in ... breathe out ... 

I was so turned on at that point, we started dry humping and were totally "those people" at the club. 

Flash forward to a few hours later I am back at his house. 

Flash forward to a few MORE hours later, I am waking up in his bed. 

YEPPPPP!! We boned ... AND on the first night ... AND it was hot ... AND I have no shame. 

Give it to me baby ... uh huh, uh huh! 

I remember waking up the next morning, and almost immediately feeling awkward. Wow, I just became "that girl." Casual sex (at that time) was never, ever, EVERRRRR my thing. I would NEVER just randomly bone a dude, let alone someone that I LIKED!! This is Jen here, the UBERRRRR fucking prude. What am I DOINGG!!!! 

I quietly creeped out of his casa, back into my car - which I soberly enough drove back to his place, and drove back the 45 minutes from the Valley back to my apartment in Culver City. 

I spent the entire next day wondering if I had made a HUGE mistake. 

Is he going to call? Should I call? What do normal people do in this situation. UGH! I am SOOO out of my element. 

Fuck you! Casual Sex!!! 

A few hours later I get a text. 

::text:: You get home safe?

Yep, thank you! I had an AMAZING time last night!

::text:: me too. hang out soon?

YES!

And by hang out soon, he meant less than 3 weeks later me moving into his house ... and uh, things get real. And really really fast. =) 

Stay tuned nerderinos, this was my first real relationship ... and FUCK did I love this dude. Like love love love love LOVE him!! 

#thatisall

Click here to read part 2

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

<editorsnote>  Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Facebook Breakdown Update

Facebook is still a thorn in my side. It is a constant reminder of everything I don't want to think about. Read my original take on Facebook during/after a break up.

Part I: Changing Your Relationship Status

I guess it's about time - I finally changed my status this week:

 Part II: Stalking

Not gonna lie -  I have gotten any better about not doing this. Recently found out some stuff I wasn't too happy about this way. It's kind of like the saying "Never go through a man's phone because you will find what you are looking for".  Yep.

Part III: Unfriend Your Ex

This hasn't changed, we're not friends on facebook but sometimes because I stalk I see parts of his profile that I think he doesn't realize I can see. It is so annoying when I see mutual friends status updates and there's a comment from him on there. I feel like he's marked his territory or something. I just move on, don't comment.

Part IV: Facebook Breakdown

I seriously lost count of the changes my friends have gone through since my previous fb post. I know two people that have since had a baby, one that is pregnant, one that has gotten engaged, two are getting married in the upcoming months. One wedding I can't go to because it's my ex's best friend. Sucks to know someone for 8 years and then not be able to participate in their life anymore. The other I will be attending by my lonesome. My friend is an angel though, I got the invitation and it included the words "and guest". It is so expensive to have a wedding and you often have to really whittle the list down to fit within budget. To pay for someone who you don't even know is a big gesture. I cried a bit at her generosity. On the flip side, I have two friends that went through divorce. Another friend just got out of a 7 year relationship (omg her and I are each others support systems right now) and one friend who's relationship isn't doing so hot right now so he deactivated his account (I give him props for that).

One last bitch: when my friends "baby up" my status updates. Examples:

me: The days leading up to a vacation go by so slooooowly!
expectant friend: So do the ones leading up to a baby...

me: Can't believe how much can change in one year.
friend with child: Wait till you have a baby... =)

*sigh* but that's the problem! and that's what I am referencing, how much my life has changed, meaning that I am not married and will not be having children soon as I had previously planned.

Part IV: Shitty Status Updates

You have to be so careful when you are sad/angry/lonely/miserable that you don't just run to twitter and fb and start complaining. If you complain too much you will be viewed as a Negative Nancy. People that are constantly looking for self affirmation through social networks will only get eye rolls. I have had the rug completely pulled out from under me and have managed to somehow keep the negative posts to a minimum (pat on the back - it's not easy!). I did however, break my own rule this week when I found out something really upsetting. Oops!

Deactivate Julie, deactivate!!

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Introducing @TheCraftafarian

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Lindsay. She and I met ... well, somewhere in the social space. I think we might have started talking through this site directly, then through facebook - maybe ... I'm not sure. But she's awesome. I talk to her on twitter almost every day, and she's really rad and TOTALLY a big huge animal lover. Like crazy huge!! In these series of posts she will be talking about her life and random adventures with sometimes more than two legged creatures. I guess there's only one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LINDSAY!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @TheCraftafarian

My name is Lindsay and I'm a 26 year old nerd living in Orlando area in FL with my boyfriend and 6 (yeah SIX) pets. I work full time as a veterinary technician at a small animal practice about 30 minutes from my apartment. The way I describe myself is: nerdy, crafty, animal lover, hippie, professor at sarcasm (one day I'm sure it'll be a doctorate, haha) earthy, blogger, wannabe photographer, and vet tech extraordinaire.

I hope to entertain you all with my life experiences ranging from:  random adventures, stories of vet teching, life with a live in boyfriend and 6 pets, crafts including DIY and photography, amazing wit, awkward humor, often intense sarcasm and just my general nerdiness. (and I'm totally open to answering ANY questions about animals or animal medicine, and if I don't know the answer I will FIND it for you!)
Here's a litte bit about me (and my life so far)...

Lets start with the boy: We started our relationship while I lived in Orlando, FL but then I shot him down and moved to gainesville. I realized shortly after what I gave up and called him (he is really a wonderful man, I love him very much). We had ups and downs throughout our relationship (as anyone does) and eventually figured out how to make it work. About a year and a half later I decided to move back to Orlando due to my job sucking terribly and my best friend didn't live in Gainesville anymore so I had nothing to keep me there. We've been going strong ever since. It will be 5 years May 2012. Yikes!!

Talk nerdy to me: I've been a nerd since I was young. Learned the nerdy ways from my geeky dad. He was always rebuilding a computer of some kind. He likes to remind me of a story from when I was 2 or 3. They had set up a game program for me and taught me how to insert the floppy disks. But little did they know I wanted to do it allll by myself and ended up jamming the floppy disks in a crevice between the drive and the computer itself. Hahaha. I've been a huge book worm since I learned to read. I was reading chapter books and sci-fi/fantasy back in like 1st grade and up. Yes kids, thats right. I was 6 years old reading novels. My mom is computer saavy but no where near my dad and I (parents divorced when I was like 6 or 7). AIM (aol instant messenger) was the shit for my friends and I back in the day. That and the random online SIM games. Fun fun! Well one day my dad gave me his old laptop (and I was already a very proficient at the computer and typing, seriously I type over 100 wpm...yeah I'm a freak) and I only got worse haha. Never looked back, love my technology.

Social networking: LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Its very reassuring to reach and find that so many people out there think kinda like you and love the same things. I've loved aim from the start and facebook I was just DYING to get into (back when it was only for college students).  Now I still love facebook but I truly love chatting and connecting on twitter and thru blogging. I would SO love if you follow or friend me or whatever!

Vet tech-ery and Animals (not that isn't really a word...ps I make up words sometimes): I've been working in a veterinary clinic since I was 12. At 14 I was put on payroll and became official. This october will be my 12th year anniversary of vet teching. Wow. wow wowowowow. I love it, I love everything freaking minute of it. I mean, don't get me wrong some days suck. Owners don't want to listen to our recommendations, the economy sucks so no one ever has money, and damnit sometimes I get scratched and bit. But its my passion, I love animals and science and medicine.  There's nothing like saving a sick one and the look in their owner's (we call them mommy and daddy) eyes when you tell them their beloved baby will be ok. OMG. Amazing. Just makes my heart and soul sing!!!  I currently work in a small animal practice but I have worked in private speciality clinic (equivalent of going to a human specialist but for animals) and I have worked at the University of FL (Gainesville) Small Animal ICU for the Veterinary Medical Center. I have tons of experience but I'm always always always asking questions, reading, and learning every day.

Pets: It will be brief since I will probably write about them. 2 husky mixes: Wynnie and River. 2 cats: Cat and EV. 2 bearded dragons (google it!): Kylie and Ebeneezer. They are my life <3 And my boyfriend...does he count? He's actually accused me on more than one occasion of treating him like a pet. Ha! Even if I do (I may, I have no idea) he should know that means I love him soooo much.
 
So thats me...I'm sure I could add more but this is an awful long introduction post. (sorry guys!) Please reach out to me, Jen has inspired me so much with her stories and her amazing upbeat and often optimistic attitude (at first I typed attidude, I say dude a lot. A TON.) to just get out there and grab at life. So I am here, grabbing at you guys to say hi. hello. whatever. get out there and DO.

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Lindsay on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: Hello me? (a nerd's moment of reflection after hiking the appalachian trail)

<editorsnote> I cried reading this. I am so UNBELIEVABLY proud of Zach - there are no words. There really doesn't need to even be an editors note in this post, but I just wanted to grab you by the collar AND MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! k, love you ... bye. HIT IT ZACH!!! </editorsnote>

It was just a little over six months ago when I said goodbye to me.

I wasn't attempting suicide.  I was attempting transformation, or more accurately put, I was expecting transformation as a byproduct of the journey I was about to embark upon.  With almost no camping experience, I was leaving everything behind and attempting to complete a backpacking trip extending from Georgia to Maine (more commonly known as thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail).

Five months and one day later, I accomplished my goal.  In the process of encountering black bears, copperheads and rattlesnakes, spiders the size of grapefruit, Lyme Disease carrying deer ticks, West Nile Virus carrying mosquitoes (I learned this one the hard way), multiple hospital visits, sub-freezing to triple digit temperatures, and intense hail and lightning storms, I was able to accomplish something way, way, way, beyond myself.

And yet, still, here I am.

I didn't lose me.  I now realize that was the wrong approach.  I was running away from an unfulfilling lifestyle.  What I needed was to clear my head and re-ogranize my priorities.  I've done that.

Here are some of the conclusions I've come to:

Happinesss

Five months in the woods has taught me that happiness isn't earned.   Happiness isn't a car.  Happiness isn't a byproduct of social status.  Happiness is a decision.  Much like our favorite nerd, I was able to strip myself of all excess (except my iPhone, of course) and live a lifestyle based on deprivation.  Nights on the trail consisted of handfuls of trail mix, beef jerky, and chemically treated stream water.  I didn't have my laptop.  I didn't have a bed.  I didn't have running water.  I didn't have a pile of books.  What I did have was happiness.

I had enough clothing to keep me warm, enough food to fill my belly, and enough companionship to keep me entertained.   I had the sense that I was living in perfect unison with the moment.  Jaw dropping sunsets over mountain ridges, waking up to the song of birds, and taking a cleanse in a 10 ft waterfall has a way of revealing that the chase for wealth, recognition, and power is a bridge to dissatisfaction.

Life's Purpose

I have always been intrigued (see: obsessed) with finding and carving out the right path for my life.  "What is my life's purpose?"  "I need to be doing more." "What is the next step?" Ultimately, the stress that came along with trying to achieve some future ideal took me away from what I was doing presently.  Five months without the constant input of media stimuli, removing myself from my normal hyper-connectedness, and the normal productivity concerns, taught me the importance of presence.  Living in a state of awareness doesn't allow your brain to stress, and ultimately you end up always making the right decision.  As Jen says of her decision making process in life, "If it feels good, keep going ... if it stops feeling good, stop."  If you're not going to take my word for it, take hers.  Live in the now and the future will take care of itself.  Promise. 

My biggest personal realization is to be a good person.  Doing good deeds for the sake of doing good deeds feels really good.  I believe in the deepest part of my heart that we are programmed to evolve into cooperative beings (we are a ways off, but moving in the right direction).  Doing something for someone else is the cheapest ecstasy you can find. 

Don't Fucking Settle

The potty-mouth-ness is meant to express emphasis.  Don't settle (to the power of fuck).  Life is way too short.  You don't know when you're going to bite the dust.  It happens to good people every minute of every day.  You, me, your neighbor, a loved one, can die at any moment.  Keep this in mind.  Too many people settle, or live in a state of mediocrity, because they are making the safe move.  YOU CAN DIE AT ANY MOMENT, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE MOVE.  The least safe thing you can do is dedicate 75% of your life towards a pension that you may very well never bear the fruit of. 

To clarify, just because you're not hiking the length of the country or life-casting your life's events, doesn't imply that you're settling.  A janitor may be in the exact right line of work and not settling one iota.  The continual smile on his/her face will indicate this.  Only you know if you're doing yourself the disservice of settling.  If you get the feeling that you're short changing yourself in life, stop it, stop it right now.  Close this window right now and start planning your   first step for dream chasing.

But back to the point - Five months in the woods...and I'm still here (now with more ManBeard).  I didn't need to lose me. And for the first time in a long time, I'm good with that. 

Side note: A big thank you to Jen Friel for being a super awesome inspiration to live life as the adventure roller coaster that it's meant to be.  I have taken your bait, and enjoyed every minute along the way.  I sincerely hope that others follow suit.  

<editorsnote> FUCK YEAH ZACH!!!! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOO PROUD!!! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NERDS UNITE!! YEEEHHHAAAAAWWWW Okay, I'm going to stop yelling now. </editorsnote>

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Zach on Twitter. Dudes, trust - FOLLOW!!!

#NerdsUnite: My first adult heartbreak

I'm fascinated by this notion of transparency. Every time I sit there and think I am being 110% transparent, I realize there is another story to tell ... and yet another story to tell ... the path to "owning it" is a mighty long one, nerderinos.

That being said, I just got off the phone with my mom and I was telling her how I am going to see a Shaman tomorrow. She got super excited and said she wondered if there was something legit off with me emotionally that I am completely incapable of forming intimate relationships. She said, the last one you had was with (names have been changed) Noah. Are you sure you're still not dealing with things over him?

I laughed thinking, oh HELL NO, I have zero problems with the duderino. Then I was reminded of this video I made and haven't shown a single living person ... and I started to wonder, have I really not let this go? I'm not sure, how does someone ever REALLY know when they've let something go.

Ladies and germie men, I present to you the most personal video I have ever made and very very very literally had ZERO intention of ever showing. I very very very honestly only even made the damn thing to hear my own voice and attempt to process this. This is no BS. This was what I actually went through.

Whabadaba ding dong ... I am going to the corner to cringe now.

#youcantseemecauseimhiding