#NerdsUnite: The Gospel According to John (biggest deal breaker?)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012 at 6:49PM<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>
Question this week: What is the biggest deal breaker you have when dating a girl?
If a girl does not communicate with me, it's a deal breaker. Seriously, that's the final say in the matter. I cannot, cannot, be in a relationship with a person who does not communicate with me in any shape or form about important things.
Now, I’m going to do something that I’ve never previously done before on the site. I’m going to talk about my past relationships.
I know! I know, I hear you gasping in the audience and I’m sure several of you thought of me as genderless cyborg monstrosity that had no genitalia. Up until about 7 months ago you would be totally correct. About the cyborg thing, not the genitalia. I use the bathroom.
To get that image out of you head, here’s a song to go with this post, okay?
The reason I never delved into my own relationships on the site was because they had no relevance to what I was writing about the majority of the time. Though I think some of these questions are Jen’s way of trying to get me to talk about them, because every so often she yells at me and tries to tell me that I should write about my relationship experiences on the site for you all. I’m on to you Ms. Friel.
However, the reason that I’m going to talk about two very particular ones right now is because they emphasize what I mean about communication very well and I can’t think of better examples than these two instances. I will not name names, I respect these women far too much and the privacy of their lives to do that. However, both of them know and knew that this was a problem for us, so talking about communication issues will not be anything new if (by some infinitesimal chance they actually read the site) they will not be offended because I said these things to their faces and in person.
Now, I’m debating using pseudonyms or whatever for these women but honestly I’m not clever enough for that (really I am, but the names that come to mind are so ridiculous that its borderline hilarious and it won’t get the point across). So we’ll stick to designations such as Woman 1 and Woman 2. W1 and W2 for short. This is not in an attempt to dehumanize them, again, this is to protect their identities.
W1 was a girl I had dated for four years, since sophomore year in high school and we continued to date through college till our sophomore year there when we ended up breaking up. So far that’s been the longest relationship that I’ve had.
What I didn’t see at the time was our inability to communicate properly. Granted, we talked very well, we were extremely close after four years and could talk about most anything. It was certain things that I didn’t notice till the end of our relationship that made me realize that that was not something I wanted.
W1 had a habit of letting me decide most of what we did and not talking about certain personal issues unless I pried them from her. These were important things that really mattered in our relationship and often times just trivial things that would have not had an impact on us at all.
For example: We’re sitting in her dorm and watching a movie, we just finished lunch and I’m lazing about there with her next to me, when I notice her crying silently. Not, like, tears streaming down her face. More, single tear here, but completely teary-eyed.
Fearing the worst, since it was not a sad movie, I pause it and look at her, concerned and ask her what’s wrong. She says it’s nothing and that we should keep watching the movie, but I learned at a very early age that when a woman says “It’s nothing” and she is visibly upset, it is not nothing. Word to the wise, there.
After about 10 minutes of “sweetie you’re crying it’s obviously not nothing,” she finally fesses up that she wants to go for a walk outside. That’s it. Just, take a walk with me around campus.
“That’s it? That’s why you’re upset? Why didn’t you say anything before?! We could have watched this movie any time, I own it! Why didn’t you say something?”
“Well, I wanted you to be happy and you wanted to watch the movie, so I said yes.”
You can analyze that conversation for yourself and figure out our entire relationship pretty much from that conversation. Needless to say we went outside and then everything was fine, but that moment really stuck in my mind on a level of poor communication that I didn’t know existed.
Personally, I love it when the woman in the relationship has an opinion and knows what she wants. TELL ME. Seriously. I don’t want to make all the freaking decisions here, because then I’m responsible for everything and it’s not a relationship. Having one person decide everything and the other not speak up is two people doing everything one person wants. That’s no relationship in my book.
Guys and gals should not be afraid of expressing their feelings, wants and needs in a relationship. That’s basic communication on a primal level between human beings. If you have a problem, or trouble, doing that, then you need to work on that. Why? Well, W2 will show you.
I met W2 at an event with mutual friends and we hit it off right away. We had similar interests, we had a lot of fun together and we got real close real fast. We’d only known each other as long as we’d been dating, about four months or so, and around that time I started to notice that she had become distant and somewhat cold in the way we interacted.
I asked her what the problem was, if something was wrong, and again I went to red alert when I heard the phrase, “It’s nothing, I’m fine.” ALL HANDS, BATTLE STATIONS!!!
After some time, I found out the source of the issue was that I had said some rather inappropriate and insensitive things over the course of the last few months, which I can totally believe because often times I’m an idiot and I let my mouth run before I think, but they were not intentionally bad. They were just things that rubbed her the wrong way when I said them.
I could understand that. What I didn’t understand was why she had not said anything and was now telling me she had no feelings for me anymore because of those things that had happened and I was out of the loop.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to change who you were for me. If that’s who you are, that’s fine, but I’m not interested in that.”
Now, this is a dangerous and often times misused phrase. Not wanting to change someone is completely alright and no one should strive to change the man or woman they’re in a relationship with. But, that doesn’t mean you stop trying to talk to them about things that upset you.
Just because you don’t like a type of joke or don’t like one the other person cusses, doesn’t mean that they will then suddenly stop doing it and change their personality for you. No, what they should do, is respect your feelings and refrain from doing that around you, while then going back to their friends and saying those jokes and cussing all they want because that’s who they are.
I often say that social interaction is very much like stand-up comedy: You have to know your audience. Don’t say the incredibly racist Jew joke that you know at a Synagogue. Be respectful. However, if you’re with a group of people who know that you’re not a racist and are by no means being a malicious individual and find that joke hilarious, then by all means, say the joke.
Then W2 said this, which is a big no-no for me:
“I want someone who will know what I want and like without me having to say it and without us having to talk about it every time.”
This, ladies and gentlemen both, is an unrealistic expectation for a partner in a relationship. If you expect someone to know what you want at all times and what you like and don’t like, you better be fucking dating a mind-reader. Otherwise, you are going to have conversations about these things and you need to prepare for it.
Relationships are not like the movies where two people are so in tune and so made for each other that they know every little thing to avoid. No one is like that. People will screw up, people will say dumb things and at some point you’ll have to have a conversation about something with them along the lines of “Dude, what the fuck was that?” or “Oh my god, why did you say that to my mother?”
Shit just happens okay?
Now, what you should learn from my experiences with W1 and W2 is this: Communication is key for a healthy relationship to flourish and grow. You need to be able to express yourself to this person because if you’re going to be sharing time and your life with them, they need to respect your wants and needs. And you will need to respect their wants and needs. That also means you need to listen to them. If you don’t listen to them, you’ll miss important information that either will help you avoid incidents that are embarrassing, or learn something wonderfully fun and new about them that will make you more fond of them.
Be prepared to not get this right. Be prepared to talk a lot with someone. That’s the best thing you can do to avoid awkward situations or arguments about one or the other doing something stupid. Above all, relax about it too. You’re supposed to enjoy this person and their company. If you don’t like communicating with them or it’s difficult, maybe they’re not right for you. Spend some time working on it, but if you don’t see it getting better, then you might need to move on.
Communication, it’s a deal-breaker and a deal-maker. Remember that.
#nerdsunite
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