Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (This Year On The Fatchelor)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

This Year On The Fatchelor

The Fatchelor: Kenny Stein

Stats: Kenny is a tall one at 6'6", 230 lbs

Occupation: Fixes computers at a major shipping corporation by day, writes about sports, sex, dating, movies, writing and whatever else he wants to write about at night... also sometimes at day.  Not a "writer in Hollywood" like every other person, I get paid for writing, just not very much yet.

Strengths: Good sense of humor, good at mingling with strangers, not afraid to go to a movie or an event by myself and make friends, personable, smart, creative, has seen every episode of almost any show that’s worth watching, and while I wouldn't say that my movie quoting ability is "endless" I would say that it's like saying that the Grand Canyon isn't technically endless. 

I smell good, I'm tall, and I'll fight anyone in the honor of my family, friends, and loved ones that deserves a fight even though I have only been in one fight in my life and I lost.  I work hard at my passion and my passion is writing.  Confidence was always an issue in my life but when I knew that being a writer was what I am, I gained a supreme amount of confidence in my writing.  For example: I think that I'm going to travel to Thailand someday but I KNOW that I will be a well-known professional writer and my main goal is to create my own television show.

Weaknesses: I clean my room even though I know that I should just pick up after myself in the first place.  When I was at a restaurant one time meeting my (now ex) girlfriends friends for the first time, I overheard one of the dudes say "He's kind of a weird-looking kid,"  I told her what he said and she didn't believe me and it became a huge dramatic ordeal.  All of a sudden I am pissed at her and not the guy that called me weird looking, though he can still go fuck himself.  What's the weakness?  Yeah, I might be a bit weird-looking and also, I turn into the hulk if someone questions my ability to be good, to be normal, and especially when they don't believe me because I'm very honest and terrible at lying.  I don't even try to lie anymore because I'm so bad at it.  Sometimes I get lazy and put some weight back on but I'll never be obese again.  I smoke but I'm going to quit this year.  I drink but I don't "get nuts" anymore like I did in college.  I'm probably a sex addict or something.

The Fatchellorettes:

Comic Book Girl: Voluptous, she was not typically the kind of girl I go for "lookwise" but she seemed cool, smart and nerdy.  She was only 21 but acted much older.  We laughed about comic books and because she works at a comic book store, she knew a lot more about that area of media than I did and I was impressed, but she lived a bit too far away.  Even still, I gave her a rose and we went on a second date.  On the second date, we had a few beers, debated about some serious topics like women’s rights because she is a feminist and I said that was cool and that I liked a strong woman.  She said other feminists disagreed with her because she liked to show off her cleavage (she had big boobs) and like to dress that way, and who had the right to tell her not to?  I thought things went pretty well and I walked her to her car where we made out for approximately 2-4 minutes and we agreed to go out again.

I texted her once, maybe twice.  Never heard from Comic Book Girl Again.

Dr. Sexy: She was three years older than me and in her residency of being an ER surgeon.  She literally would see people die (lots of people) right before we'd see each other.  We met at a nice restaurant near her place and drank some beers, talked about what it was like to be a doctor.  She was really hot.  I was more intimidated with this girl than any girl I've ever gone out with before.  I thought that maybe she made a mistake because she's like an 8 or a 9 plus she's a doctor and I don't make very much money and on a good night I'm a hard 6.  I gave her a rose and she actually accepted.  She was impressed that I was a writer and that I am a voracious learner, always trying to be better and to be smarter. 

The second date we went to a place, Rush Street, that was closer to me.  We talked again, continued to bullshit.  She was cool.  She wasn't at all what I expected a doctor to be like.  She was smart but kind of immature and real.  I went to her car and we made out for 5 minutes and I gave her a second rose and she accepted.  On the third date I took some wine over to her place.  This is usually the sign that I'm about to put on a hospital gown and get examined by the Dr. Sexy.  We watch a movie and immediately it kind of seems like she's not having a good time.  Things don't click anymore.  We make out for a little while.  I feel up a doctor and she has big boobs, which I wasn't expecting.  Thought we might get to the bedroom but no luck.

I give her a third rose, which she seemed to accept.  A few days later she says that we aren't compatible or something.  No more Dr. Sexy.

Boring Girl:  How quickly can I put this?  This chick was 39 or something and a casting director.  We met and I didn't give her a rose.  But she contacted me again and I went over to her place to play Scene It.  She invited me over.  Seemed obvious enough.  I went in for the kiss and she rejected me.  Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore.

The Speed Dater:  This story is 100% real.  A girl hits me up on OKLocals.  She looks cute but can't meet right away?  She's very confusing.  Has two phone numbers that she's contacting me with.  I hear nothing from her (this is Sunday by the way) for eight hours until I wake up the next day.  She called me twice at 4 AM.  I thought, what the hell?  She explains a whole lot of drama to me about how she's been abused, used, forced to do a porno, won a blowjob contest, has no money, living on some random dudes couch, doing webcam shows.... she wants to smoke speed in my room.  

Can I just say this right now?  THIS IS MY LIFE IN DATING IN 2012!!!

I wish that were the joke. Now ladies, which one of you wants to date The Fatchelor?!?!  Is there anyone out there that could possibly be a good match out there and they don't have to be from OkCupid.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Sex, Love, Or Dating: What Do You Want?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

Do people really like to get in the bone zone or what?

This week on my blog I experienced an unusually high spike in activity and page views.  I had posted an article on Monday about casual sex on OKCupid and I thought to myself “Yep, people really seem to like this whole penis-into-the-vagina or however-you-prefer-to-do-it business!”  I mean, it makes a lot of sense.  People enjoy sex, they enjoy thinking about it and talking about it but because it can be a taboo subject sometimes it’s best to just read about others experiences on the internet.  I have basically no qualms talking about my sex life, as embarrassing as it may be, so I hope that my honesty can help others too and realize that you may not be the only pathetic one.  (Even though the majority of my readers are female, and I think that has its own effect by giving the opposite sex a male’s honest perspective.)

However, when I dug deeper I realized that it wasn’t my casual sex article that was giving my page views graph a boner.  It was an article I wrote weeks ago about Love and Science.  I guess through the Google, people were searching hard for love this week.  It was not sex that they craved but a more in depth retrospective on love, chemicals, and romanticism.  I guess that surprised me somewhat.  Why now?  Why love?  Why not the other articles where I talk about boobies and dongs?

Not that I’m complaining.  I’ll write about Bieber Fever if it triples my page views.

What I found myself pondering however was “What is it that people want and do they even know what they want?”  Do you want to find someone to date and not have it be serious?  Do you want to just rub sensitive parts against someone else for 5-15 minutes at a time?  Or are you “wookin’ pa nub”?  (Reference that maybe makes me sound very old.)  I think that’s part of the reason that people have such a hard time in the world of romance, because you either don’t know what you want or you’re lying to yourself.

Can you have casual sex if you’re desperately looking for a life partner?  Can you date someone if you don’t want to get serious right now?  Can you love someone that only wants to have sex?  The differences between dating, loving, and sexing are immense and confusion over what you want and what your partner(s) want will only leave you in want.  We can’t lie to ourselves and hope that people will change or that we will change because in the end you’ll be left with perhaps a broken heart or with someone else’s beating heart in your hand.  This is how people get hurt.

And then I have to ask myself that most important question: What do I want?

Do I just want to lay in the boneyard?  I think most men want that on some level, spending much of our adolescence thinking of nothing other than sex and then feeling like we’ve got some mission to do until we get married.  What happens after marriage, well, I can’t speak to that.  But do I only want to get it in or do I want to find love?  If I want to truly find a special girl, I have to stop thinking like a deviant and start thinking and feeling like it’s time to find the right girl.  People can see right through you if you pretend like you want to be in a relationship when in the back of your head you’re thinking “I wonder what she’ll look like naked.  And I wonder what the waitress will look like naked.  And I wonder what my boss will look like naked.” Until she finally stops you and says, “Hey, are you paying any attention to me?” because you’ve been staring into space for fifteen minutes.

You’ve got to be focused, you’ve got to be true, and you can’t lie to yourself about what you want.  Figure out what it is and stick with it and when it’s time to change, your heart will tell you.  Until then, stick with what you feel and go with it and that’s where you’ll find peace, serenity, and success.

Oh shit, this article just got super serious so I’m going to end with this:  Butts.  That is all.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (My Revelation on Drinking and Dating)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

My latest revelation in life has come very late, but that doesn't mean that it's too late.  I mean, revelations don't come to you in the beginning, they come to you somewhere in the middle.  When a revelation comes to you in the "beginning" that's not a revelation, that's just preparation.

I had a revelation and last night and maybe it would have been nice to have thought of this ten years ago, but there is still plenty of time to apply this to my life going forward and I am excited to see the results.  I honestly don't feel like a lot people will be able to relate to this and I can already picture some of you judging me for it, but I don't care because I have already had a revelation about people judging you: It doesn't matter and you shouldn't give it 1% of your attention or energy.

Judge away.

Last night I went out with some friends.  It was $2.50 margarita Wednesdays at Barragon's in Echo Park and I wanted to join in on what my friend called: "Wednesday Buck Buck."  (Buck as in "Buck Wild" but in this case we would actually be going double that... "Buck Buck Wild.")

The name alone had sold me that I wanted to join in on the festivities.  I want to be a part of Wednesday Buck Buck!  The only problem is that it's Wednesday.  And it's in Echo Park.  And that's not close to my house.  And I have to be at work by 8 AM.  What to do?  

I had two choices in front of me: Go Buck Buck and force myself to wake up at 5:30 AM to beat traffic and get ready for work or dial it down two notches, simply go "Wednesday Bu Bu," and drive home.  I opted to just dial it down a notch, keep it cool, keep my wits so that I could drive home in time to get a couple hours of z's and head off to work.

It was a revelation.

Some of you are probably saying "I don't see what the big deal is?" but this is where the part comes that you judge me for.  I don't go half-ass on drinking.  EVER.  I went to Washington State University and that means something.  Maybe its a reputation that some alumni don't like, but people that go to school there go hard in the paint.  They go h.a.m.  That shit cray.  They whistle while they twerk.  We back dat azz up.  

Sorry, I got distracted for a minute.  But seriously, we drink.  There's nothing else to do there, it's a small town in Eastern Washington and the entire population of the town is basically 20,000 college students and seven teachers.

There are two movie theaters.  The closest town is Moscow, Idaho and it might as well be the more famous Moscow in Russia, which is probably more prosperous.  So we drink and we drink and we drink til we sleep and that habit has been with me ever since.

Some people would say I was an alcoholic but I went two years without drinking after I graduated and it wasn't a conscious choice, I was just in a relationship and I never felt the need to.  You could probably call me some kind of alcoholic though based on how I drink, but I don't know.  And I don't care.  But all I know was that last night felt different.

I drank my margaritas in moderation and I took it slow.  I enjoyed conversations, talked with friends, laughed, broke up fights, and had a good time.  Most of all though, I noticed the behavior of women towards me and that was weird.

It was weird because they were flirtatious and I was holding conversations and I sort of felt like I had this new control.  Not because they were drunk, because they weren't, but because I wasn't drunk.  I was simply myself but with a little kick.  I was like a Bud Light Lime.

For the first time since... maybe ever... I was in control of myself while I was out drinking with my friends and I absolutely loved it.  I leaned over to my friend, a guy that I know has already mastered the technique of drinking in moderation and told him about the revelation I was having at just that moment and he simply said, "Oh yeah.  I've had that revelation and it's fucking amazing."

Last night I had to control my drinking because I had to drive home at the end of the night but from now on I am going to control my drinking because I want to.  I am going to take control of my drinking because it's going to help me take control of my life.  I am going to control my drinking and maybe make less an ass of myself in front of the ladies at the bar and maybe next time get a phone number and not text terrible messages at 3 AM.

I want to mark this moment, May 5th 2012, as the day that I start the "experiment" known as "Kenny's Controlled Drinking" and I will relay my results back as they come.

Wish me luck!

I mean, wish me buck buck!

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

#NerdsUnite: 15 Lbs in 15 Days; One Man’s Mission to “Have a Cool Summer”

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

When you lose a belt loop, all other bets are off.

I went from 4 loops to 3 and that’s when I knew I had pushed the limit and it was time to get back to where I was before.  But it’s not going to happen over night… it’s going to happen in two months.

I give myself two months to lose 30 pounds and get back to the best shape of my life, but it all has to start somewhere and I’m starting with an intense 15 day plan to get back to 230 lbs by May 1st.

“Have a Cool Summer!” is the standard yearbook message that we’ve seen scribbled across dozens of pages in our school years.  To me, as a fat kid growing up, I always wanted to have the summer that would allow me three months away from my schoolmates in order to shape up and surprise everyone.

I never did have that summer.

I used to be a much larger man, once pushing 360 pounds and now I am but a fraction of my former self.  Still, over the course of a year I have put back on thirty pounds.  When you’re a guy of my size and stature this isn’t nearly as bad as it might seem.  Weight comes and goes a lot quicker for me.  I am not obese now but I also don’t plan to ever be obese again.  That’s why I am using the next two weeks to workout hard, eat right and see if I can cut my goal in half in two weeks.

This is a journal.  I am using this journal so that it does not only help me but helps anyone else out there understand how I did it.  If it can help just one person, then it’s worth it.

April 16

The loop heard ’round my waist.  I can go to four but it’s too tight to breathe and now I’m just lying to myself.  I put it at three loops and know that I’ve fucked up again.

Food – Smart Ones sliders, Lean Cuisine spaghetti, single bag of doritos, banquet nuggets.

Workout – My car starts to die as I leave work.  I get to the gym, which is only a block from work, and decide that I’ll need to spend extra time there to let my car cool down and traffic die.  I workout for an hour and fifteen minutes.

April 17

First time I’ve weighed myself in awhile.  244.5 lbs.

Food – Healthy Choice chicken and potatoes, two bags of baked lays, roasted chicken, fruit cup, hummus & carrots

Workout – One hour on the elliptical

April 18

Morning weigh-in: 240 lbs.  I’m 1/3rd of the way to my goal in two days.  That’s a lot of water!  I know that the weight will drop faster in the beginning but its good to know that I only have to lose 10 lbs in 13 days now.  With any luck I’ll be at 135 in one week and then only have 5 lbs left.

Food – Healthy choice low sodium soup (to me, low sodium is the key in soup over anything else because soup has SO MUCH salt in it to begin with,) Healthy Choice linguine, Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice and Beans, roasted chicken, carrots, fruit cup, hummus.

Workout – One hour on the elliptical.  Eat your heart out, DJ Tanner.

April 19

Weigh-in: 238 lbs.  I’m now just about halfway to my goal with three days under my belt and twelve to go.  I’m motivated to hit 230.  It’s important to set goals and to make them short and realistic.  I know that long term I want to be much healthier than what 230 lbs will bring, but it’s too hard to focus on what I’ll look like, weigh, feel like in six months.  It’s a lot easier to think about what I could do in the next two weeks.  I have twelve more days of this intense workout and that’s all I’m thinking about: the next twelve days.

My body is just a wreck this morning, too.  I joined a gym about three months ago and I’ve been exercising but this morning I realized that I wasn’t pushing myself as hard as I could have.  In the last three months I haven’t come close to feeling as worn out as I do right now and it’s a good thing to feel like such a pile of useless shit.  Putting in twice as much time on the elliptical as I did before and changing up the programs and resistance has really helped.  It’s important to have variation in your workout as much as anything else.  I should probably do something besides the elliptical but honestly nothing kicks my butt as hard when it comes to cardio.

Food: Lean pocket egg and ham and cheese, “Hummus House” (a restaurant by my work) roasted chicken, salad and hummus, low-fat/low-sodium chicken noodle soup, carrots (Need more hummus!) and fruit cup.

Workout: Body killing me and had to get home earlier.  So “only” did 30 minutes of cardio but I would have felt guilty if I hadn’t done anything.

I now go to bed thinking about my weight, unable to fall asleep.  It’s weird, it’s like I can “feel” my fat now.  In the past I would gain weight and not think about it but over the last year I honestly think I could feel myself getting fatter and it was uncomfortable.  I want to get comfortable again and now I can’t help but focus hard on my goal.  Which makes it hard to sleep or think about anything else.

April 20

Weigh-in: 237 lbs.  Another pound in the books.  If I eat light and healthy today and do 45-60 of cardio, I could be close to 235 going into the weekend.  It would be great to have a good feeling going into the weekend because the weekend will be the hardest part.  I will drink at some point and I’ve decided to switch to wine for any such drinking occasions over these 15 days.  Beer is definitely OUT but liquor might come into play.

The most important thing is that I keep myself under control with the eating and not drink too much.  Drinking is the absolute worst thing for a diet because: A.) Beer and alcohol have calories and some have A LOT.  I could probably easily consume 1500 calories in a night of drinking.  B.)  When I am drunk I am hungry and I don’t make good decisions on what to eat.  C.)  You’re eating very late at night, giving the food no time to digest.

It’s the worst thing I could do and I’m so focused right now that I won’t allow myself to do it.

UPDATE: I’m being told that I’m going to New York Monday-Wednesday on an all-expense paid trip which is awesome but will have to make me focus even harder and it’s not coming at the best time but NEW YORK!

Food: Lean Pocket, Healthy Choice Lemon Fish, apple, hummus and carrots.

Workout: One hour on the elliptical.  I was sooo tired but I now have guilt if I don’t work out and I think about missed opportunities to advance through my 15 lbs in 15 days.  When I get home, I am too tired to eat.  Later, I will play poker and eat the insides of a BLT.  Oh yeah, I drank over a bottle of wine.

April 21

Weigh-in 234 lbs.  Yeah, I don’t want to jinx myself but I’m close to losing 15 lbs in half the time that I planned.  Going to New York is a road block but I am in the zone right now so I can’t see myself falling off of the wagon.

April 22

It’s Sunday but knowing that I have to go to New York, I workout for over an hour.  My weight going to New York is now 233.  Only three pounds to go but New York will probably be a setback.

April 23-May 2nd

So, my journal efforts died when I went to New York.  I was no longer keeping a record of what I ate or when I exercised so I have to sum this up:

In the Big Apple I didn’t restrict myself as much but I was mindful.  Still, when someone is paying for your drinks and when you’re only in New York for a couple of days, take advantage.  I can lose weight whenever but I was only going to be at the Hofbrau Munchen (German bar) once so give me a liter of beer please.

I ate the free snacks and apps (Mac and Cheese bites, chicken wings, chicken strips) and had a good time.  When I get back, it’s back on track.

I get back on Wednesday night and am so tired from the trip that I don’t workout on Thursday.  I do workout on Friday night though and do an hour on the elliptical.  I now find myself in a position where I can’t do less than an hour of cardio or I feel like I’m cheating myself.  This is why I stress the idea of “Just one more.”  Push yourself to the limit and then do “just one more” and you’ll find that eventually the bar keeps being reset.

Over the weekend I eat pizza, twice, but stick to wine for my drinks.  Otherwise, I eat pretty healthy.  On Monday I get distracted and am unable to go to the gym but on Tuesday I’m back at it.  As you’ve noticed in my diet, I eat a lot of “healthy” tv dinners (but I’m not dumb, I know that they’re not a solution) but with my available time they are the most convenient way for me to control my caloric intake.

I eat enough to give me energy to exercise and I don’t eat unhealthy calories when I don’t have to.  The most important thing to me right now is the exercise and it’s working.

May 1st

Well, this is my 15th day so did I lose 15 lbs in 15 days?

Weigh-in: 232.

I have fallen short of my goal but only by two pounds and this included a three day stop in New York so I know that I could have done it and that I’m right on the edge.  The best part about it is that I feel good about the fact that I ate well and I exercised.  I did not crash diet and I did not take any “fat burners” or other “PEDS”.  I just pushed myself to continue working out and gaining confidence through the fact that I did it when nobody was watching.  I did it for myself.

I have always wanted to help overweight kids conquer their self-esteem issues about being overweight.  Sure, I want to help them be fit and healthy but I also want the to be aware of the fact that how you view yourself will be a lot more noticeable to people than your physical appearance.  Let them see that you love yourself and that you love how you look no matter what and the confidence will shine through.

I had someone like that when I was a kid.  His name was Pat and he was one of my camp counselors.  One of the biggest guys I’ve ever met but also one of the funnest and funniest.  His personality shined through and you didn’t think of him as fat, you just thought of him as Pat.  With a personality so big that he was once on Wheel of Fortune.

These are the kinds of role models that overweight kids need so that they know that no matter how you look, you’ll always be as attractive as how you see yourself.

If you’re reading this and not feeling so good about yourself or your weight, cheer up.  There’s a problem and there’s only two solutions to that problem: Change the way you eat and exercise or change the way you view what’s “beautiful.”

If you want to lose weight I’m only going to ask you one question and it’s not “What have you done with your life?”  That seems to be the question that many people have for overweight individuals, wanting to know how you “got so fat.”  It doesn’t matter how.

No, I don’t care at all what you’ve done with every day of your existence.  My question for you is only this: What are you going to do today?

And remember, Have a Cool Summer!

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

By the way, I am now at 230 which turned out to be 15 pounds in 16 days.

#NerdsUnite: The Drunk Diaries- Letting Go of Shame In Order to Maintain Sanity

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

It occurred to me sometime in the last couple of years that after many drunken nights of regretful actions that I would have to either stop caring so much about the mistakes that I had made OR I had to stop drinking so much.

In other words, I had to stop caring so much about the mistakes that I had made.

“The difference between guilt and shame is very clear – in theory.  We feel guilty for what we do.  We feel shame for what we are.” 

- Lewis B Smedes, Shame and Grace

Alcohol is an interesting life lubricant and shame, regret, and guilt are the filthy residue left over when the beer, liquor and wine are finally excreted from the body.  We naturally get rid of alcohol quickly but there’s always something left over and it’s embedded into a place that’s much harder to get stuff out of:  the mind.

When I have had several drinks, my mind starts to believe that the world has become “ideal.”  The notion is basically that when I am drunk, if I believe it to be true then it will become true.  That the only thing stopping me from accomplishment is effort.  That I won’t know the answer if I don’t ask the question.

My sober mind rarely believes any of these things because the sober mind has one important trait that the inebriated mind does not: Rationality.

Rationally speaking, I usually come up with reasons to believe or even know as a fact that the answer is clear without asking the question and even if I should ask the question, I am certainly not in the right mind to do so.  Nothing that you do when you’re drunk is better because of the fact that you’re doing it when you’re drunk.

Unless you’re an outlaw in the 19th century removing buckshots from your ass after a shooting accident, it’s almost always better to do things while you are sober.  It is almost always a terrible idea to try and do anything while you are drunk.  Why?  Because you are drunk.

You’re decision-making is going to be at it’s lowest point of accuracy.  You’re rationalization is gone.  You’re view of the world is tainted by beer-colored glasses.

And yet you do it anyway.  Why?  Because the character traits that are greatly enhanced while you are drunk are things like courage, ego, and a feeling that you can have the world be exactly as you’ve always wanted it.  And the worst part about it is that you can’t be talked out of believing any of it because you can’t rationalize and make good decisions.

Once you’re drunk, you’re fucked.  The best possible thing that can happen to you in that moment, if you want it to, is to pass out early if you’re lucky enough.  Avoid the guilt and shame altogether, before you make an ass of you and me.

If Lewis B. Smedes is correct, then the actions we make are guilt but the part that really hurts is what those actions say about us.  People often say that “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” but I disagree.

My sober thoughts are never: “Bah meh drinky.  You.. you… you don’t even know man… you don’t even know.  Fuck you man, I love you dude.”

Perhaps the real truth in the phrase is that “A drunk man’s actions are a sober man’s wishes.”  (Or woman. I know some of you ladies like to toss more than a few back, too!)

There was once a time when a new girl started at my place of work and she was also completely new in town.  We chatted and she seemed like a really cool chick and we had similar senses of humor so I knew she’d probably be a cool person to hang out with and she also liked to get very drunk.  I did not have any particular feelings for this girl but I offered to show her a few spots around town because she did not know anybody and because I could probably use the company at the time.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I wouldn’t have slept with her if the proposition happened to arise, but I really am the type of person that would do something like this without a hidden agenda.

We hung out a few times and in showing her around the city I also got to see a few “touristy” things for the first time.  It was fun.  She was a fun person.  I had no conscious thoughts that this was some girl that I really wanted to date or “be with” and all I knew was that it kind of felt like hanging out with a dude because she could drink and wasn’t offended or anything like that.

Cool chick.

But then apparently one night I called and left a couple of phone messages.  This, I do not remember.  Not a single word of it.  Didn’t even know that it had happened, but I did kind of wake up with a feeling that something was off or that I did do something.

I sent out a feeler text message and lo and behold it took a day for her to respond and she of course said something to the effect of “Oh you’re fine.  You didn’t say anything bad.”

Okay, great.  I didn’t say anything bad.  We’re all good.

But then the most honest thing about her text message was that it took her a day to respond.  That was the real message and that was the real truth; I had creeped her out.  Look, it’s not the first time that I’ve creeped anyone out and it probably won’t be the last but God damn it: Creepiness is in the eye of the beholder.

The most fucked up thing is that to this day, I do not know what I said.  After a month of her avoiding me she finally told me that I left a message that was, and I quote, “Loving and passionate.”

WHAT?  HOW?  WHY?

Those were my reactions but my reaction was also “That’s amazing and hilarious.”  Because to me that was absolutely ridiculous.  I didn’t leave a message that said something like “I wanna fuck you like an animal” (which I would never do) but I left a message that was loving and passionate which both makes perfect sense because of my personality but also made no sense to me because I did not love this girl.

We had only hung out a few times.  I didn’t spend any of my free time thinking about her.  I couldn’t possibly have any of those kinds of feelings for her.  Yet, at the same time, I did call her. I don’t know why I did and I don’t know why I left a message like that and I never will know why but it is interesting and it is also fucking hilarious.

Deep down I did want to date this girl?  Really sub-conscious is that what you’re telling me?  Or was it only because I was on a mini-vacation with friends and I got so blacked out that I could have thought I was calling the T-Mobile Girl and leaving a message for her.

I don’t really know.  But I knew that I felt guilt and shame for it and that now there was this girl that not only thought I was a creep but in my estimation was completely wrong about me.  That kind of shit will weigh on your mind like the tell-tale heart.  Those are the kind of things that make me feel crazy with regret and wanting to have one more chance at avoiding that moment.  That’s why I absolutely had to stop having any shame and face that fact that as a person, I am going to fuck up sometimes.

By telling this story to the world I could be fucking up but embarrassment, shame, guilt, regret… the one thing that all of these things have in common is that they are road blocks to other parts of life like chance.  Or invention.  Or amazement, laughter, wonder, and any number of moments that will forever define the outrageous stories of your life.

It might not always feel comfortable and it might not always feel right but if you’re not hurting anybody else, there’s nothing wrong with taking a chance on something different even if it hurts yourself.  These stories about myself, the times that I completely fucked up, are some of my favorite stories to tell about my life.  We just have to be willing to let go of the shame.

Otherwise, we’ll be trapped and unable to enjoy something that may have been profound.

#thatisall

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