#OnlineDating: Separating The Keepers From The Creepers

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Becca Rodriguez

In the past decade, online dating has transformed from the ultimate relationship taboo to a viable and even admirable means of meeting a compatible partner. According to a recent survey from Pew Research, a full 11 percent of Internet users have signed up for online dating sites, up from just 3 percent in 2008. Of those, an astounding 23 percent have found spouses or long-term partners. An online dating profile can't guarantee you find your soul mate, but the process can be greatly simplified by using some basic criteria in order to weed out the creepers from the keepers.

Making And Sticking To Plans

If there's one way a guy can make it obvious that you are little more than a booty call, it's treating your date in cavalier fashion. Whether it's the first date or the hundredth, you deserve to know when and where you'll be meeting, and that you can actually count on the guy showing up. In this age of social media and text messages, it's incredibly easy for guys to weasel out of dates. That's not to say that all men are willing to leave their dates out in the cold. As a study from Match.com reveals, 82 percent of online dating users say they've never stood up anyone. However, it's still easy to ditch out at the last minute. If your guy sends a cursory text and doesn't attempt to make amends, you might want to consider throwing him by the wayside.

Sweet Gestures

You've made it past the perilous first and second dates and are now rounding the corner for date three. Has your would-be significant other made any romantic gestures? Super fancy dinners are by no means necessary, but moves such as picking out flowers online and having them delivered to your office quickly distinguish creepers from keepers. A dating prospect will only go through such an effort if he is truly interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. In fact, as a study from Hort Technology reveals, the regular presentation of floral gifts actually greatly enhances the chance of a relationship standing the test of time. However, other sweet gestures can also strengthen bonds, with cards, chocolates and even thoughtful phone calls serving as excellent signals as to whether a love interest is truly worth your time.

Sharing Potentially Embarrassing Interests

Often, men go into online dating thinking only of impressing their dates, as opposed to showing their true selves. But at some point, the macho talk about career and athletic achievements grows stale. By the time you've been dating for a few weeks, your new beau should have shared at least one potentially embarrassing tidbit. This could include everything from his penchant for the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" to the story about that time he tripped up the stairs. Research from the University of California Berkley shows that sharing potentially embarrassing information about oneself actually increases trust levels. As such, you should encourage your guy to tell those goofy stories — and don't hesitate to share a few past bloopers of your own!

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: Comfort zone be gone!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea

Dating is a totally new thing for me. But before I dive right in to my current situation, let me give you some background…

Growing up, I was always the girl dudes wanted to be “just friends” with. Time and time again, I helped boys I was hopelessly smitten with figure out the right things to say to the girls they liked, who were usually my friends. As much as it totally sucked at the time, it helped me develop a thick skin, and learn to deal with rejection. So I’m thankful for it!

When I was 16 though, I got into a pretty serious relationship that consumed me for the next 3+ years. After that, not knowing how to deal with the fact that my ex had already moved on, I rebounded with a dude who was NOT the right fit for me. Once I managed to escape that situation, and trust me, it felt more like an escape than a break-up, I entered what I like to call the “Perfectly Lonely” phase. (Anyone get the reference?)

For the next two years, I was totally content being single. I went through college without even having a crush on someone. It was a period of focusing on myself, and trying to get over all the relationship baggage from my past. First loves aren’t easy to let go of….as we ALL know.

So, when I moved to California, I hadn’t even thought about dating. It wasn’t until some of my friends proposed the idea of online dating that I realized… Hmm, I might actually enjoy spending time with a male in non-platonic setting! So, I set off into the OkCupid universe, with my best photo forward and the wittiest description of myself I could muster up.

Dating has proven to be a more growing experience than I ever anticipated. What I expected to happen was: Go out with dudes, not really like any of them, make out at the end of the night, then delete their numbers and move on. But in reality what happened was: I went with really awesome guys, who seemed totally into me, and for the first time in my life I was dating multiple dudes at once, flirting (something I totally suck at), and having no idea how to handle a problem I kept running in to… My “problem without a name.” (Another reference, anyone get this one?)

For the record, I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure out why this keeps happening to me but I have no idea. So nerds, please help! I’d love to hear your insight!

I’m getting ahead of myself. Before you can understand my problem, you have to understand what led up to it. And what is that, you ask? Oh, it was GOOD DATES. Yeah, I know, how crazy is that? All of my first dates were awesome. Many ended in a goodnight kiss, even! Guess what the next step leading to this problem is? A GREAT SECOND DATE. Yep, you read that right. I found myself going out multiple times with really great dudes, who definitely seemed to be picking up what I was putting down, and who made the effort to contact me each time after our rendezvous.

Now this is where the trouble hits. Two out of three times this has happened after the second date, the third time it happened after nearly a month of seeing each other. The guy will call or text to make plans. Not passive, trying to drop the hint that I’m not into you plans…like…very specific plans! For example, “Let’s go to a movie Thursday night, I’ll call you later this week to confirm it.” But then I never hear back! They never give me a reason why we didn’t go out. I just straight up don’t hear back from them.

I’ve come to attribute this to LA guys being flakey, but c’mon, that’s not a good enough reason. This has happened with three guys who are not originally from LA, but from totally different parts of the country! And while I’d love more than anything to blame it on them all being assholes, who don’t know what they want; the reality of it is that I need to look inside and figure out what this means about me

Why am I attracting these guys? What about me makes me equally as appealing as I am disposable? What can I do to change this pattern? What keeps leading me to this weird place?

Guess it’s time for more reflection. And more dating. Ya know what they say, when you fall of the horse it’s best to get right back on!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Chelsea on twitter!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Sex, Love, Or Dating: What Do You Want?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

Do people really like to get in the bone zone or what?

This week on my blog I experienced an unusually high spike in activity and page views.  I had posted an article on Monday about casual sex on OKCupid and I thought to myself “Yep, people really seem to like this whole penis-into-the-vagina or however-you-prefer-to-do-it business!”  I mean, it makes a lot of sense.  People enjoy sex, they enjoy thinking about it and talking about it but because it can be a taboo subject sometimes it’s best to just read about others experiences on the internet.  I have basically no qualms talking about my sex life, as embarrassing as it may be, so I hope that my honesty can help others too and realize that you may not be the only pathetic one.  (Even though the majority of my readers are female, and I think that has its own effect by giving the opposite sex a male’s honest perspective.)

However, when I dug deeper I realized that it wasn’t my casual sex article that was giving my page views graph a boner.  It was an article I wrote weeks ago about Love and Science.  I guess through the Google, people were searching hard for love this week.  It was not sex that they craved but a more in depth retrospective on love, chemicals, and romanticism.  I guess that surprised me somewhat.  Why now?  Why love?  Why not the other articles where I talk about boobies and dongs?

Not that I’m complaining.  I’ll write about Bieber Fever if it triples my page views.

What I found myself pondering however was “What is it that people want and do they even know what they want?”  Do you want to find someone to date and not have it be serious?  Do you want to just rub sensitive parts against someone else for 5-15 minutes at a time?  Or are you “wookin’ pa nub”?  (Reference that maybe makes me sound very old.)  I think that’s part of the reason that people have such a hard time in the world of romance, because you either don’t know what you want or you’re lying to yourself.

Can you have casual sex if you’re desperately looking for a life partner?  Can you date someone if you don’t want to get serious right now?  Can you love someone that only wants to have sex?  The differences between dating, loving, and sexing are immense and confusion over what you want and what your partner(s) want will only leave you in want.  We can’t lie to ourselves and hope that people will change or that we will change because in the end you’ll be left with perhaps a broken heart or with someone else’s beating heart in your hand.  This is how people get hurt.

And then I have to ask myself that most important question: What do I want?

Do I just want to lay in the boneyard?  I think most men want that on some level, spending much of our adolescence thinking of nothing other than sex and then feeling like we’ve got some mission to do until we get married.  What happens after marriage, well, I can’t speak to that.  But do I only want to get it in or do I want to find love?  If I want to truly find a special girl, I have to stop thinking like a deviant and start thinking and feeling like it’s time to find the right girl.  People can see right through you if you pretend like you want to be in a relationship when in the back of your head you’re thinking “I wonder what she’ll look like naked.  And I wonder what the waitress will look like naked.  And I wonder what my boss will look like naked.” Until she finally stops you and says, “Hey, are you paying any attention to me?” because you’ve been staring into space for fifteen minutes.

You’ve got to be focused, you’ve got to be true, and you can’t lie to yourself about what you want.  Figure out what it is and stick with it and when it’s time to change, your heart will tell you.  Until then, stick with what you feel and go with it and that’s where you’ll find peace, serenity, and success.

Oh shit, this article just got super serious so I’m going to end with this:  Butts.  That is all.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (My Revelation on Drinking and Dating)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

My latest revelation in life has come very late, but that doesn't mean that it's too late.  I mean, revelations don't come to you in the beginning, they come to you somewhere in the middle.  When a revelation comes to you in the "beginning" that's not a revelation, that's just preparation.

I had a revelation and last night and maybe it would have been nice to have thought of this ten years ago, but there is still plenty of time to apply this to my life going forward and I am excited to see the results.  I honestly don't feel like a lot people will be able to relate to this and I can already picture some of you judging me for it, but I don't care because I have already had a revelation about people judging you: It doesn't matter and you shouldn't give it 1% of your attention or energy.

Judge away.

Last night I went out with some friends.  It was $2.50 margarita Wednesdays at Barragon's in Echo Park and I wanted to join in on what my friend called: "Wednesday Buck Buck."  (Buck as in "Buck Wild" but in this case we would actually be going double that... "Buck Buck Wild.")

The name alone had sold me that I wanted to join in on the festivities.  I want to be a part of Wednesday Buck Buck!  The only problem is that it's Wednesday.  And it's in Echo Park.  And that's not close to my house.  And I have to be at work by 8 AM.  What to do?  

I had two choices in front of me: Go Buck Buck and force myself to wake up at 5:30 AM to beat traffic and get ready for work or dial it down two notches, simply go "Wednesday Bu Bu," and drive home.  I opted to just dial it down a notch, keep it cool, keep my wits so that I could drive home in time to get a couple hours of z's and head off to work.

It was a revelation.

Some of you are probably saying "I don't see what the big deal is?" but this is where the part comes that you judge me for.  I don't go half-ass on drinking.  EVER.  I went to Washington State University and that means something.  Maybe its a reputation that some alumni don't like, but people that go to school there go hard in the paint.  They go h.a.m.  That shit cray.  They whistle while they twerk.  We back dat azz up.  

Sorry, I got distracted for a minute.  But seriously, we drink.  There's nothing else to do there, it's a small town in Eastern Washington and the entire population of the town is basically 20,000 college students and seven teachers.

There are two movie theaters.  The closest town is Moscow, Idaho and it might as well be the more famous Moscow in Russia, which is probably more prosperous.  So we drink and we drink and we drink til we sleep and that habit has been with me ever since.

Some people would say I was an alcoholic but I went two years without drinking after I graduated and it wasn't a conscious choice, I was just in a relationship and I never felt the need to.  You could probably call me some kind of alcoholic though based on how I drink, but I don't know.  And I don't care.  But all I know was that last night felt different.

I drank my margaritas in moderation and I took it slow.  I enjoyed conversations, talked with friends, laughed, broke up fights, and had a good time.  Most of all though, I noticed the behavior of women towards me and that was weird.

It was weird because they were flirtatious and I was holding conversations and I sort of felt like I had this new control.  Not because they were drunk, because they weren't, but because I wasn't drunk.  I was simply myself but with a little kick.  I was like a Bud Light Lime.

For the first time since... maybe ever... I was in control of myself while I was out drinking with my friends and I absolutely loved it.  I leaned over to my friend, a guy that I know has already mastered the technique of drinking in moderation and told him about the revelation I was having at just that moment and he simply said, "Oh yeah.  I've had that revelation and it's fucking amazing."

Last night I had to control my drinking because I had to drive home at the end of the night but from now on I am going to control my drinking because I want to.  I am going to take control of my drinking because it's going to help me take control of my life.  I am going to control my drinking and maybe make less an ass of myself in front of the ladies at the bar and maybe next time get a phone number and not text terrible messages at 3 AM.

I want to mark this moment, May 5th 2012, as the day that I start the "experiment" known as "Kenny's Controlled Drinking" and I will relay my results back as they come.

Wish me luck!

I mean, wish me buck buck!

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

#NerdsUnite: Online dating confessions w. your host @datestable

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Datestable. Thats obvi not his real name, but what he chooses to go by in the on that there thing called the "internet." He's super chill, super smart, and super freaking nerdy. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT DATESTABLE!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Datestable

For the purposes of this story, names have been changed to protect the people involved.

In my many years of dating, short relationships going nowhere, and long relationships going nowhere good, I’ve pretty much known who I was. A generally nice guy, fun date, and all-around decent boyfriend. Like everyone, I have my shortcomings, but my dating resume is generally buoyed by unclinginess, a lack of jealousy, and easygoing nature. Last, week, though, I did something new.

We were at a lounge in lower Manhattan. One of those digital community events, not unlike a MeetUp, where people who usually don’t know each other soon become fast friends in the gated environment of a new community where icebreaking is lubricated by a generous stream of booze. After making the rounds and making some new acquaintances and allies, I spotted two girls standing off by themselves, one of whom I judged too cute to leave in that position.

Now, I’m not an operator, nor do I do this often, but I had my mark. Seconds later, banter was in the air as we toasted each other and the night. Everything was turning up in my favor. The girl’s friend, Inga, who turned out to be someone she’d just met, was spoken for, while the object of my curiosity—Myra— was almost certainly single, facilitating my entry point. When she went to the bathroom, Inga apologized for “cockblocking.” I was amused by a girl speaking in bro parlance, and assured her she was not. I also gathered some intel, including Myra’s affinity for online dating sites. All signs pointed to singlehood.

Two drinks later, we were tearing up the dance floor, more or less, as house music pumped through the crowd. And, another drink later, we were off for after-party shenanigans elsewhere. The liquor now taking charge of our faculties, we somehow merged with another group of ragers, which included a ver nice but somewhat sleazy-looking guy named Jose I’d met at a previous event. At this point Myra, thoroughly sloshed from the last drink, lunched into a string of Spanish gibberish. With my limited understanding of Spanish, I was both amused at her nonsensical phrasing and impressed by her glib pronunciation. Jose seemed equally amused.

Perhaps it was the shiny bold head of someone new, or the mild exoticism of a Latino dude, and certainly the many cocktails coursing through her veins, but Myra’s attentions started drifting from me to Jose, at least for the time being. When we got to the next bar/club, he launched a full-scale offensive on her. Now, most times, I would probably grow indifferent and let this go. But something about the whole sequence, if not the girl herself, screamed injustice. You know the scene from the Matrix when Neo finally sees the agents in ones and zeroes ? I went into action.

At the bar, Jose, who had some sort of hookup with the bartender, was handing Myra another cocktail, which she quite visibly did not require but would clearly accept. With one hand, I interceded, intercepting the drink (luckily vodka-based, from which I’m immunized by the Soviet part of my blood), and pounding it back in a few quick gulps. The other hand I wrapped around Jose’s shoulder, turning him deftly to a corner where we couldn’t be overheard.

“Jose, I like you and think you’re a nice guy, but I was talking to this girl before you and think I kind of like her, so you need to back off.” I followed this up with a firm assurance that I wasn’t trying to start trouble and may or may not have insisted that “I come correct” (I’d been wanting to say that!).

Jose, somewhat nonplussed by my directness, quickly recovered, apologized, shook my hand, and handed over the “keys to the car.” I was now in the driver’s seat. For the first time in my life, I had confronted a man over a woman, won, and somehow walked away without a black eye or broken nose. It was the best of both worlds!

#kthxbye

click here to follow datestable on twitter!