#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Agoraphobia and me)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 2nd installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!

******

When I left off in my story I had just had my massive panic attack. The first of many.

In the following years things started to get progressively worse. I was anxious 100% of the time and I couldn't stop worrying if my life depended on it. The occasional panic attacks became daily panic attacks which then led to agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is "an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms in a situation where it is perceived to be difficult (or embarrassing) to escape" Thanks for that definition wikipedia!

I became a pro at feeling when my panic level was rising and escape to the nearest bathroom where I could sweat it out (literally) in peace but this didn't stop the anxiety of having one in class, on campus, at the grocery store, etc.

If I needed to go somewhere (and I would usually wait until the last possible second) I would try to drag someone with me and if I couldn't do that, then I would trace the steps of what I was going to do over and over in my head so as not to make a mistake and embarrass myself thus leading to panic attacks. To this day I still have the habit of doing this while waiting in line somewhere to order something. For example, I will say 'grande caramel macchiato' over and over and over in my head while waiting in line at Starbucks.

Looking back I should have known my repeat process was flawed. I am the CLUMSIEST person on the planet. So repeating my drink order over and over and over wasn't going to stop me from dropping my change while handing it to the barista.

All of this led to me turning into a MEGA-BITCH. When you are completely on edge (both physically and mentally) 24/7, anyone adding anything to that will set you off. I would CONSTANTLY snap on my friends. I was always irritated so it didn't take much.

Treating my friends like shit was the final straw. These people where the ones there for me (and still are) and I would turn bitch in a matter of seconds on them. Girls the best example I have of this that REALLY bad day of PMS where everything and everyone annoys you so you flip out easily. Yup that was this girl!

I knew that I needed help. If anything, just to leave my apartment without freaking out would be such a relief.

Next up: Convincing those who tell me "you just need to learn how to cope."

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Panic Attacks and Stripper Poles)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Here is the 2nd installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!
*****

Leading up to college was a nightmare anxiety wise. I was about to leave my family, friends, everyone I knew and loved to move to a new city. I found out later that my parents actually didn't think I'd make it. I kept it together but was SO scared about what was to come.

That changed once I actually got there and realized that I could be ANYTHING I wanted to be. I didn't need to be the shy girl anymore. I mean, I could at least FAKE confidence, they didn't know what I was like in high school.

The distraction worked for a little while. While of course the anxiety was still there I could at least distract myself with the newness and excitingness of it all. Parties, boys, new friends, etc.

Then came that fateful night.

It was a typically party night on campus. I pre-gamed (aka took lots o shots) with my 2 partners in crime (L and M). I was inseparable from these girls. We did EVERYTHING together, not to mention that M was my suite mate in the dorms.

We set off to an apartment party that was only a 2 min walk. When we got inside all the furniture in the place consisted of a couch, stripper pole and kitchen table and the whole apartment was decked out in black lights. Classy, huh?

I got trapped talking to a guy that was also on our floor and having issues with L and their hooking up arrangement. He was saying some pretty awful things about her so of course I came to my friend's defense. He ended up getting pissed and storming away with some random girl.

I got up to look for M and L and could't find them anywhere. I strolled through the kitchen where there was a huge group of guys. They started pulling me and pushing me, being really suggestive the whole time. I freaked out and hightailed it the hell out of there.

As I was fleeing the apartment back to my dorm my heart started racing. I called one of my best friends at the time S and she tried to calm me down. Tears were flowing down my face and my hands and feet were getting all tingly. On the way back I see L and M who tell me that they were just dropping off M's sweater and were on their way back. They didn't say anything because I had been talking to L's duderino at the time.

I just screamed "YOU LEFT ME!" at the top of my lungs and ran away. By the time I climbed the 7 floors to my room (because waiting for the elevator sounded horrible) I was a complete mess.  I started hyperventilating (and not because of the stairs) and had to stick my head between my legs to help with dizziness.

By the time the girls got there and started pounding on my door I felt like I wasn't in control of my body or my racing mind. It feels like you are being sucked into some dark hole and are trying to claw your way out.

In the midst of this I was screaming obscenities and saying absolute horrible things to the girls about leaving me. Even though looking back they obviously thought I was fine and didn't know about the creepers in the kitchen, at the time I blamed them for everything.

It took me awhile to realize that I had a panic attack. My first of MANY to come. M is still one of my closest friends today but this incident created a wedge between us that took A LONG time to overcome and I can honestly say I don't blame her for that.

Next up: Lots and Lots of panic attacks and realizing I needed help...

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (I Have a Confession To Make...)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

I'm sorry TNTML community but there is a big part of my life I have been keeping from you. While insanely open about it in person I've been hesitant to put it out into the inter webs because it is so deeply personal to me (and I know how trolls work haha). But with the new year I want to start fresh and hopefully help people that are/were/might be going through the same thing as me.

So here goes nothing:

My name is Megan Corbett and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with underlying Depression, Panic Disorder and ADD.

I'm a big bag of fun, huh? ;)

While the depression was a HUGE part of my life (most of high school) I want to focus on the anxiety aspect because I know it hasn't been touched on too much here. If you have any questions about my depression though, feel free to tweet me (@MegCorbs). I'm ALWAYS here to help.

Anyways, back to my story. I've always been a little….skittish, for lack of a better term. I HATED going anywhere by myself. My family used to make fun of me because I would start crying if they made me order pizza (I hated talking to someone I didn't know and was constantly afraid of making an ass of myself).

This was all little stuff and because I was relatively sheltered it was never really noticeable. When my depression came on it my made my anxiety explode (the two usually go hand in hand…fun huh?) This was shown most in my STRONG opposition to getting my license.

I ended up waiting until I was 18 and absolutely HAD to because I was leaving for college in a matter of weeks. I used to get into intense screaming matches with my mom who didn't get why I didn't want to drive. To this day, nothing gives me more anxiety than driving, which is good times when you live in LA and have no choice but to drive everywhere.

At this time I had not experienced the loveliness that is the Panic Attack (that is to come in my next post) but definitely felt the physical aspects this disorder was taking on my body.

I was tense ALL THE TIME. I remember at 10 years old, my aunt who was a pediatrician was freaking out when she felt how tense I was in my back and this was at freaking TEN YEARS OLD!

WIth the tenseness comes the stomach aches. It feels like you have food poisoning that you can't get ride of. I would literally double over in pain and was too unaware of the situation to put two and two together. This also led to sweating issues. Sexy I know. I ALWAYS had pit stains so I would wear sweaters over everything. Which you know is needed when you live in sunny Southern California ;).

But the bitch of all the physical issues was definitely the insomnia. I cried multiple multiple times because I was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep due to my racing mind.

The physical issues had NOTHING on the mental ones. Worrying all the time, stressing, expecting the worse, etc. You can't shut your mind of or focus on something else if your life depended on it and there was ALWAYS something to stress about. Not just normal stuff like tests and fighting with friends but literally EVERYTHING. Even things I had no control over like random stuff going on with family or scenarios I would create in my mind. I was the queen of What If's.

Oh and then there were the tears, because of everything I just mentioned I was always on edge and easily set off. Basically, I cried a lot. Not at school or in public but man could I unleash when I got home. I would dive deep into my bed under tons of blankets and cry out my frustrations.

I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on in my mind because honestly pre-college I didn't know how to put it into words and more importantly know and understand that having insane anxiety can actually be a disorder.

The only thing that comforted me during all of this was burying myself in a book (hence my love of reading today). I could escape into someone else's world and drama even if only for a minute.

Next up: It gets REALLY interesting during my college years and the drama that was my very first panic attack.

Special thanks to @jenfriel @themayorpete @itsmejoolie @mymelodie @edgarva11es @thecraftafarian @anthalus @redheadintexas @thirstygirlfilm for encouraging me while I was writing this post. I love you all insane amounts!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter!

Want to take it out of 140 characters? Email: Mcorbett10@gmail.com

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (One Year Later...)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

It's officially been a year since I've graduated from college. Here are the few nuggets of wisdom I've discovered:

• Time moves insanely fast: and it's only getting faster and faster so hold on tight!
• The economy is really shitty: it's hard getting a job right now and I'm watching a ton of friends struggling with that but please don't ever feel that you're just a name on a resume. You bring something that is uniquely yours to the job and that's worth fighting for.
• There is ALWAYS something: Life isn't perfect. It never will be. There is always a bill that needs paying, a problem that needs solving, an unexpected illness that needs healing, etc. So enjoy the small victories everyday and stop waiting for that one imaginary day where everything will be perfect.
• Hangovers do suck: In college I used to be able to drink INSANE amounts and be fine the next day. I kept hearing to enjoy it while I can because that bounce back rate won't last forever. Well...I'm starting to realize that now. Hello headache! Eesh.
• Never Stop Learning: read everything you can get your hands on and if someone is talking about something you don't understand or know…RESEARCH IT! The only way to stay on top of your game is to never become complacent.
• If there is something that you like to do…than DO IT!: I like blogging and sharing my experiences with the world so I started a blog as well as writing for TNTML. I don't expect to make this a career but if it's something you like doing than who cares? You never know where it might take you.
• Step out of your comfort zone: Some of my favorite adventures have been when I did something that I wasn't entirely sure about. Life is short, if you want to have a crazy story to tell then go out and LIVE.
• Take care of you first: I know we want to help everyone out and not be a selfish asshole but at the end of the day you can't help ANYONE if you don't help yourself first. You are responsible for YOU and you only (unless you have a kid….haha) so make sure that you're happy.

And most importantly of all…NERDS UNITE!: I've met the most amazing people because of this website, IRL and through Twitter. I seriously love you all, you put a smile on my face every day!

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter!

#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? (Why All the Fancy?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs

Growing up there was a room in our house that was off-limits. The room that was strictly ‘for guests’ but never was really used for that either. I know that most families had a room or special china, etc that was to be looked at but not touched.

I didn’t realize how much the whole thing bugged me until my niece Claire was born. She was the first grandchild so of course she could do no wrong. She very routinely plays and destroys the nice ‘look but don’t touch’ room. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of my 4 year old niece, but it made me think why we had this room to being with.

It’s not just rooms but we all have the something that we are saving for special occasions/people. I have certain outfits, shoes, purses, etc.

And you know what I say to all of the above? EFF THAT!

Why do we save things that are special to us for other people? Life and everything in it is meant to be enjoyed.

These things are just that…things. We should enjoy ‘em while we have them. Plus these things obviously make us happy and feel special so why save them for OTHER people.

So my challenge to you is to wear that dress that’s been sitting in your closet when you do chores around the house, make a blanket fort in your ‘look but don’t touch room,’ and just ENJOY LIFE.

Trust me, the memories are better than the preservation of nice things.

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Megan on twitter!