This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 7)

Dudes, there is so much healing going on from this story - its kinda blowing my mind. First off, heard from the chickadee that called me a bitch the other day, and she apologized for her role in all of this. She said she felt bad for so long ... I said it takes two to tango, and I certainly had my role as well. We all did. ANNNDDD she also paid this series the greatest compliment ever, she said I'm telling it incredibly accurately. She said she's even addicted to it, and she lived it first hand. Bat shit!

As a storyteller you have to stay as neutral as possible while trying to convey the heart and the emotion of the story. It's not an easy task to do with a story like this. I wondered initially if I was telling it as accurately as I could be. Thanks for the confirmation!

Alrite ... ready for the next chapter of As The Rubiks Cube Turns??? Baller!

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... here's part one point five ... here's part two ... here's part three ... here's part four ... here's part five ... and here's part six. 

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

HIT IT GAGA!!!

I walked into the apartment, and I was literally shaking. Who was this person that I was living with? The stories that I were hearing had his name in them, but it just didn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense ...

It doesn't make sense ...

Why doesn't ANY of this MAKE SENSE!!!!!

I fell to the floor with my jaw dropped. All of my tears at that point were gone ... the blood drained from my face making me white as a ghost (I'm pretty effin pale to begin with too. Goodness gracious).

This isn't real life. What is happening? Who is this person? What did I get myself into?

I didn't even unpack, I just sat there among boxes, bags and clothing staring off into space.

The night drew on, and turned to the morning. I decided I couldn't even emotionally process any of this yet, so I was going to do the only thing I knew how to do ... move on. Work is very therapeutic for me. Hence why I love love love running this site and love love love running this brand in general - it allows me to maximize my potential. I need to stay busy. I hadn't worked at all for a few months, not good for my psyche. Fortunately, however - the social space was in fact booming so after a few quick phone calls, my client list was building up quite nicely.

I used to love me some freelancing since you mostly get to work from home. There was only one client that I added that wanted me to work from their office. Not a prob, one day a week, you pay my rate - I smile sweetly. Done! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

One of my first days in their office, I was driving home and I hear BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM - my tire blew out. I don't even necessarily know if it blew out - or what ... but that fucker was a goner, and my beetle was not a happy camper about it. I pulled over on Venice Blvd.

FUCKKKKK MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKKKKK MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKKKKK MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

I compartmentalized my catastrophized thoughts and focused on the next doable action, calling AAA.

Not a problem, says the guy. We'll send someone out for you. It'll be about an hour. Mind you, my face was literally buried in the steering wheel, my body was so defeated - I was shocked I was still able to even hold the phone up to have this conversation.

An hour. A fucking hour. Good lord.

I did what any chick that just had her heartbroken would do when she finds herself with unexpected time on her hands ... I proceeded to Facebook stalk the mentalist. (I had unfriended him at that point, but his page was public.) I got on my Droid, flipped over to his page, and my eyes almost bugged out. Literally, 5 minutes prior to me stalking, some girl had posted on his wall the following message:

I HATE YOU XXXXXXXX!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE AFTER TWO YEARS YOU COULD DO THIS TO ME. EVIL RUNS THROUGH YOUR BLOOD.

Again, yay life for photographic memory.

I blink twice, is this for real? What is happening in my life that makes me keep asking that same question over and over? Did this chick really post this on his wall? Who is she? Wow! Wow! Wow!

I IMMEDIATELY click her profile, and from my phone sent her a message. Who are you? Did he do the same thing to you? What's going on with that post on the mentalists wall?!??! 

5 minutes later, I get a response. She said she knew who I was, and offered her phone number. She wanted me to call her to discuss things.

Whatttttttt is going on here. Tangent: I keep writing that over, and over, but I assure you - I couldn't stop thinking it. This was very literally the most bat shit thing on the planet. So, he did something to this chick too? She knew about me? And now she wants to discuss what happened on the phone? Like voice to voice communication? I don't do voice to voice communication with just anyone. Omg omg omg ... this is happening.

The hour passes by, but fear, anxiety, and anticipation pump through my blood. What is she going to say? OMG I have to get home.

I walk into the apartment, and close the door to my bedroom - I stare down at my phone. I cannot dial her number, I cannot do this - I just want this all to be over. Why isn't any of this over yet?!

I take a deep breath, and click the green button.

Ring ring ring - Hello? comes out of the ear piece.

Fuck, she even sounds hot.

Hi, it's Jen.

Jen ... I can't believe it. I always asked him about you, I had such a feeling that you two were together. Please, tell me everything.

She had no idea how loaded of a question that was.

Well, I said - here's the thing ...

I then proceeded to tell her the longest. story. ever. (See parts 1-6)

She starts crying. Horrified at what I am telling her.

She then tells me that she and him had been dating for 2 years - and she thought they were going to get married. She met his family, they all loved her. (She's from his hometown - or not far, I can't remember.)

She kept crying, and I kept listening. I had no idea what to say to her.

I want him dead - we have to get revenge, she said.

I told her that revenge and anger are like throwing a hot stone at someone, you both end up getting burned. The best thing we could do is to wish him well. Tangent: I very literally btw, could not believe these words were coming out of my mouth. I had no idea what to say to this chick, I hadn't even processed what I was going through but I found relief in guiding her healing.

I said over and over, please, just wish him well. We are both going to move on, and we are both going to do bigger and better things. Yes, this is very sad - and I can't believe this is happening ... but doing something to harm him, or doing something stupid will only hurt you too and tie you emotionally to him longer. We can't do that, we just have to let it go and let it be. Be well mentalist. Be well mentalist. Be well mentalist.

We spent about two hours on the phone piecing together the timeline of our relationships with the mentalist. Remember the trip the mentalist went on to Jamaica right after visiting me in Florida (see part 1) - well, he was going to this chick's brother's wedding. Yep, right after he boned me for a week ... he went down there to hang out with her and her family.

She said she had been going back and forth to LA up until that summer. I said, yeah that's when I moved in! She goes OMGGGGG you guys lived together! I said yeah.

The mentalist's apartment was super fucking weird - he had literally everything a female could need. Tampons, to contact cases, chick shampoo, even make up. I quickly realized some of the items I had been using were in fact hers.

Fucking. Weird.

I hung up the phone with her, and sat on the side of my bed and just started laughing. Like hysterically laughing. Good lord this guy is a fucking idiot, I thought. Social media is the worst thing to ever happen to someone like this. HAHAHAAHAHA!!! Facebook connects dots - and mannnnnnn did we have some epic connecting.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAH!!! omg I couldn't stop laughing.

I don't know if she had called him, or what - but a few minutes after I caught my breath, the phone rings and it was the mentalist. I pick up the phone and continue to laugh in his face. I wasn't even mad anymore, I said to him - you've got to be fucking kidding me.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAH! You are such an idiot, at least unfriend chicks on Facebook if you think they're about to go psycho on you. You're a mind reader right? How did you not see that one coming?

I told him that we had talked - and I knew everything. Then, I did something even I didn't suspect - I asked how he was feeling. You have to understand, I loved this human being. Like loved. loved. loved. Love doesn't go away. It's a bond that you share with someone til death do you both part. It evolves, but that's about it.

He started crying. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I miss you. I love you. I kept saying over and over and over, be well. He got more angry, how can you say that to me? I said, how could YOU do this to people? Who are you? You told us both you loved us. How can that be possible?

Please don't leave me - he said, please don't leave me.

I said, there's nothing to leave. We weren't together. I was under some fucked up spell clearly. I commend you on your talents, if I can fall for it - anyone can. You should bottle your shit and sell it - I'd buy. (Dude, I'm so twisted.) I told him to be gentle on himself, that this all coming out was going to happen eventually.

I asked him about brownie girl. Is she really pregnant? He said he didn't know. He told her to have an abortion if she is - but he had a feeling she was just doing something like this to establish a connection with him. Remember, this chick BAKED BROWNIES!!!! WHO BAKES BROWNIES IN LA!!!!! She clearly just did that so she could then ask for her dish back. Woman is dumb as a fox.

I said, I was over it - and this conversation wasn't going to happen. I needed to move on with my life, and start to put the pieces back together.

I hung up the phone and started crying. He was hurting, I was hurting. Why did I ever have to find out about that Facebook email? I just kept thinking over and over and over, I really wish I knew nothing. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is truly bliss.

Yet another night, I cried myself to sleep.

Alrite- gonna take another break here. This story has a little bit more to go. Did I mention that I went back to him? Yup, that happened.

Oh, and this story has an update as of a few days ago. I got an email from one of the chicks - and it was GOOOOODDDD!!! =) =) =)

#ohbrother

Click here to read the next installment

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 2)

Can I get a huzzah for just how fucking AWESOME the weather is in Hollywood? Like, LA ... I love you. I kinda wanna make out now. That cool? Dudes, you guys are making my life with these comments. Thank you all so so so much for the support on these posts! They have literally taken this site hostage until I can spew them all out. Good lord, I literally cannot post anything else - like at all. Have to get this out.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five. 

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

Alrite, ready? Time to be fucking fabulous.

So, the chickadee that he went to that event to had a nickname, me and the English girls called her "brownie girl." Like literally, a chick that has brownies, not like a brownie girl as in the pre-girl scout chickadees cause like that would be weird and illegal, and very weird, and very very illegal.

After the mentalist went to that "networking" party, brownie girl hit him up to go to another event the following Friday. (My brain remembers the weirdest details when it comes to storytelling, I can actually tell you that they went out on a Friday. WEIRRRDDDD) This party however, he was definitely going as a plus one, and it was definitely a date. Again, we were not in an exclusive relationship by his definition. Which btw, is like the most evil thing you can do to a person that loves you. Even if you don't love them back ... you have to do them a favor and just let them be, or go away for a bit ... love can't just sort of process all out there by itself. Did he not see Jerry Maguire??? (Skip to 1:08)

He didn't call it a date to my face - he told me he was actually using her just for her contacts at this event. He's totally a charmer. I knew she was prolly bat shit crazy about him, but I dunno, my gut told me that if I slept in his bed none of it mattered. Go do your thing, it's part of your persona, it's part of what you do. Like, no literally, I get that shit. I am annoyingly a non-jealous human being when it comes to relationships - I frankly just.don't.care. He wanted the contacts this chick had, go for it man - its your karma in using people for shit like that. I feel like that's Hollywood 101, but whatevs - I'll judge you in silence with my judgey mcjudgerson eyes. JUDGEY MCJUDGERSON!!! 

He leaves for the date by giving me this big kiss and yada yada yada. That night I was supposed to go somewhere. I forget where, but either way, my plans fell through. I plopped my lil fanny on his couch and started to read. hahaha it's a Friday night in Hollywood - I'm 24, of course I would be sitting on a couch reading. Dude, Outliers had just come out!!!! OMG OMG OMMMFFGGGGG love me some Gladwell!!!! I am not entirely unconvinced however that magical fairies don't live in his fro - it is pretty epic, and must include fairy dust. Duh.

Something happened with them after he left - she needed to come inside the house and do something ... or something ... I don't remember that part. But there I was reading, and a knock came at the door. It was brownie girl, with the mentalist not far in tow. I was like, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me! You're coming inside the house? Wait, are we about to meet? You the chick the dude that I love is using for the night for "contacts" - haha what does that even MEAN!!!

I open the door, and literally turn right around and sit back down. HAHAHA I was such a bitch, I didn't even introduce myself - like stone cold. I'm a very deliberate and willful person. I got a lot of love in my heart, but I can't do polite conversation - like at all. I really don't care who you are, you're being used ... and now I'm supposed to sit there and smile? WTF?!

She walks in the apartment literally like she owns the place. She goes over to the counter and places this tray of brownies down on the counter and then walks into his bedroom (the bedroom WE SHARE), to use the bathroom. There were so many things happening in this scenario, my brain hit overload. Who the fuck is this chick to stroll in like she owns the place? (See, what I'm doing there ... I'm being jealous. JEEAALLLOOOUUUSSS) It was weird, he told me she had never been here before ... swore up and down by it ... how the fuck did she know where the bathroom is, and why was she walking around so cool, calm, and collected? THIS IS WEIRD!!!

Oh yeah, wait a second too - WHO COOKS BROWNIES FOR A DATE?!?! Who even COOKS in Los Angeles!!!!!!!! Like literally, never. The only time I would ever even contemplate making brownies was when I was stoned out of my fucking mind, and dude, by cooking I mean grabbing one of those 5:00 microwaveable things from the store. These were like actual brownies, with actual ingredients, bought from an actual grocery store - not 7-11, in an ACTUAL CONTAINER WITH PINK SARAN WRAP OVER THEM!!!!!!!!!

She emerges from the bathroom super giddy to gift me with these brownies ... she goes, I heard you were here!! I am SOOOOO excited to meet his houseguests!!!!!!!! Are you guys having fun? I can't believe there are 4 of you living in this one bedroom! Super cozy! Are you all getting along?

Words were coming out of this chicks mouth, and literally, with each one a piece of me died. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!?!?!?! I fuck the dude that you're going out on this date with, please don't liquor him up too much ... his whiskey dick is meh.

The mentalist then walked into the apartment. He was standing by the door asking if she was ready to leave. She then goes, OH! I have a gift for you!!! Gift too? Wait what? I ... I ... I ... just wanted to read my book. Come to think of it I should have just walked into the bedroom or something and been all, sup bitch?! I sleep here ... but I didn't think of it. I very literally think she thought the 3 of us chicks slept on that queen sized air mattress - hahaha not kidding. Wow, super hot mental picture. TICKLE PARTYYYYY!!! K ... moving on ...

I grab my book and pretend to not be looking over. She gives him this magic set from like the 1800s - was no doubt super expensive, and super weird to just give to someone when you are on a date with them. This was what, their like first official date? A bit much, eh? Whatever, some bitches just can't hang organically.

So, they went to that event ... apparently she got a lil drunkey drunk and tried getting all up on him. Not like all, all up on him - but she took him to this lingerie show, and apparently tried getting him on the dance floor or whatever by swaying her sexiness in his face. He apparently wasn't having it. This is of course just the shit he spewed out to me. Lordy schmickmordy knows what actually went down.

He comes home, and we bone on the couch. It was the kind of bone that you're like fucking for freedom. I was angry - really angry. Who did this chick think that she was messin wit my man!! Again, looky looky who he came home to!?! (Dude, how can I say I am not a jealous person? Look at these words that are escaping my mouth. Insane.)

Couple days go by, and he gets a call from brownie girl - she wants her dish back. That woman is either one of the dumbest people on the planet, (like literally - she even pronounces her own name wrong. HAHAHAHA totally not even kidding. It's spelled Amber, but she goes hiiiiiii - my name is UMMBBEERRRR. It's like um, your last name is Spanish, you're not French bitch) or one of the smartest. She brought the dish so she could ask for it back and see him again. That insecure that your milkshake don't naturally bring all the boys to the yard??? SUCKKAAA!!! Dude, she was diabolical. I've literally never. ever. thought about doing that to a boy. Come to think of it, I wouldn't even ask for a dish back from one of my good friends. It's just one of those things ... leave it be.

They went back and forth, and back and forth for a bit. She kept wanting to "pop" by ... I kept wanting to pop her one. Isn't love grand!

I grilled him relentlessly on this chick. It just made no sense for her to do all of those things to someone that she just met. I POINT BLANK asked him one day when he was standing in the bathroom if he had ever even kissed anyone after me - he said no. I didn't think to ask if he had boned anyone else, figured that one was common knowledge. Dude, we didn't kiss but I totally put it in. I'm a lawyers daughter, I should have known to ask.

Something about this chick rubbed me the wrong way. Like literally, I can get along with anyone. Albeit, I was WAY more uptight then, but I've always been a nerdy hippie that just kinda went with the flow of it all. The things he told me about this chick made NO SENSE to the way she was acting. Again, this chick is either the most evil person on the planet, or the smartest and like buildings should be named after her, and a holiday should be created in her honor. Oh, and a parade. She totally needs a parade.

Needless to say, I was incredibly confused.

Dude, the brownies though ... not that bad. Thanks, bitch. 

Alrite, gonna take a breather here. That was an intense story ... hahahaha!! Next up, I said goodbye to the English chicks, hello to two new lodgers from Minnesota - and brownie girl? HAHAHA she's not going anywhere. I was so fucking right about her.

#staytuned

Seriously guys ... thanks so so much for reading these posts, and for your support in me expressing this. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea I was harboring so much of this anger. This feels utterly amazing to let it out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Click here to read the next installment

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 1)

Editor's Note: This is an epic epic epic series of posts. No, like seriously. The week these were posted was hands down our biggest week ever on the site. It's very involved and very addicting. I warn you of this not to toot my own horn, but to make you aware that this will take time away from your life. If you have children, please make sure they are fed - and the dogs have been walked. Disclaimer over.

Click here to go to a specific post.

Part 1 (See Below)

Part 1.5

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

In conducting my OKCupid social experiment for the last 8 months, I have found that out of 98 dates, there were only 4 of which I actually felt that "spark" with. All of the 4 have come from different backgrounds, have entirely different personalities, and look completely different; I've isolated as many of the variables as I could (with what little I knew about each one) and discovered that the only trait they all shared was emotional unavailability. I don't believe in soulmates or this notion of there ever being a "one." I think we are attracted to someone because of there being a lack within ourselves that resonates within this other person - and vice versa. In fact, I'm pretty black and white on that. So, I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men which results in me continuously having my heartbroken. I am so not kosher for that passover. I have to get over my emotional unavailability. What's my next doable action in that? Addressing the cause of said emotional unavailability. I present to you ... my best attempt ...

First up ... this is what's groovin in my ears ... HIT IT Cee Lo!

Alrite, so it's no secret that one of the reasons this site got started was because of a broken heart. Like a really really really bad broken heart. The kinda broken heart that pains the soul, and leaves you incapacitated for an extended period of time - OR motivates you enough to change your life for good. Yay for taking the more productive of the two!

I've sort of talked about it, but I haven't publicly released any of the anger that I still feel. I am ANNNGGGRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY at this human being. Like, I swear to you, if I ever see him - there is no doubt I am going to deck him. I use his face all the time as I am boxing. HAHAHA, I was actually in a training session once and I was so pissed off at him I threw this medicine ball and broke it. Clearly I have some unresolved issues with this human being - and it is causing a major blockage in my current dating situation. I need to rectify it at once. I am hoping this post will help. I'm not an angry person - the exact opposite. There's gotta be a way to work through this. Alrite, enough delaying Jen ... spit it out.

The story of the mentalist. You ready? I actually knew him for a few years before we started dating (as is typically my MO, I almost always end up dating boys from my circle of friends). I met him the way that I meet most people, in the most RANDOM scenarios ... this one was on a super shuttle back at the end of 2007. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I was flying to NY to do this charity event that I was hired as a producer for. Super rad! Was getting off the phone as I sat down next to this duderino who was also the only other person in the shuttle. We strike up a conversation, I have no idea over what, and then he goes - I'm gonna read your mind right now. Me being me (who else would I be in this scenario. What does that MEAANNNN), and alwaysssss game for a good mind fuck, I said alrite! Followed his little rules, wrote it down on this card ... didn't show it to him. Whatever. Low and behold, he actually got it. The reveal was incredibly impressive. He does this thing where he looks you dead in the eye and tells you to hold onto the name. In my head I'm thinking as he's going through the alphabet, are my pupils dilating when he reaches each letter? Of course that's not the case ... ALL of these tricks are crazy stupid simple (mirrors, little pencils under the fingers) - it's all for show. 

Well, bottom line - he was totally good, and totally got my number. I was actually interested in talking to him as well for the charity event I was working for. I said I had no idea in what capacity I could use him, but that I thought he was good ... damn good. At the time he was on this big show on a major cable network, so he told me he'd be busy for a bit but would love to keep in touch. He then friended me on Myspace, and Facebook - and we kinda just went our own little ways. 

Flash forward to the spring of 2009, and he had posted this thing on Facebook saying that he was going to be on this super super super huge talk show. I watched that show religiously at the time, so I was all STFU!!! That's AMAZIINNNNGGGGGGG!!! I was on the east coast at the time, and he was on the west coast - so of course the second it came on I messaged him saying that he did such a great job, because again, this dude's talent has never been in question. He is very. very. very. very. good at what he does. A little too good. We then started exchanging Facebook messages back and forth, and he asked for my number, so that quickly turned into some long phone conversations. I fell for this dude - so so quickly. It was the first time in my life I felt like I was dating someone as smart as me; mentalists aren't dumb. My dating record prior had been a lot of GQ looking boys that were straight up dumb as rocks. It was tragic actually - but those were the only boys that would really ever talk to me. The douchey ones are the ones that have nothing left to lose and will at least say "how you doin" at the bar.  This was the first time a guy wasn't intimidated by my intelligence, dude, I could use BIG WORDS!!!!!!! omg omg omg omg omg such a turn on.

I'm sure he profiled me, figured out what type of person I was so he knew how to play me ... again, this guy does this for a living. I am not ashamed to admit that I fell for it (a bit embarrassed, but not ashamed). He then said he wanted to come out to Florida to see me - he was going to fly all the way out there specifically to get to hang out with me. Amazing! I thought! Who does that for someone unless they really like them? Huge deal. Fucking huge. 

I met him at the airport, and I just instantly fell head over heels in love with this dude. Like hardcore. Head. Over. Heels. There's clearly no doubt that I was played, but there was just this organic component of absurd attraction. Whatever this guy had, I wanted. Bad. He stayed in town for a week, and we got to know each other. I'm so embarrassed for how quickly I fell for this boy. I mean you just have no idea ... putty. I was fucking putty. I really enjoyed spending time with him. He was so smart, and so accomplished - he had this air about him that was undeniable. It was insane. At the time, I had never met anyone like him. He was different, for sure. 

He would tout his celebrity status in my face all the time, and when he was offered a car at the car rental place of COURSE he upgraded to a Mercedes - but none of it interested me. No literally. Like none of it. My parentals have a Mercedes and it's a nice car and all - but meh. Shit like that doesn't work on me - I come from it. It's like so what. It was his happiness for what he did, and this unshakeable confidence that attracted me. When he walked into a room, you might not have noticed initially - but you were left completely stunned by what he was able to do, and you wanted more. He was just one of those. There was something special about him, I can't describe it. 

He wasn't commercially speaking the most attractive person in this world, but I remember picking him up one time at the airport and he literally took my breath away. It was just this feeling of - wow. He had it. Whatever that "it" is. 

So, we had a wicked time in Florida ... and back he went on his adventures. He said he had to go to Jamaica (remember that tidbit) for a performance, and a wedding. Super cool. Was totally jealous, always wanted to go.

I actually had a shoot the weekend after he left, and I used him as inspiration- even posted it on Facebook:

How disgusting is that. Like seriously? Tell me that's not the face of a chick that is SERIOUSLY in love.

Oh shit ... I feel it coming ....

Crazy. 

At the time, I had been wanting to go back to LA (as I was commercial modeling in Florida for about 7 months), so I used him as the best excuse to head back home. I asked him if I could crash at his place for a bit while I got back on my feet looking for an apartment with a girlfriend of mine, and he had no problem with it. Of course as any chick knows, that was just a rouse to get my foot in the door. I was only 25% serious about wanting to get a place with my friend. I just really wanted to be around this human being, and I can't help but go after everything that I want in life.

We moved in together (again, a bit under false pretenses. my b), and I'm not even kidding you, I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. He gave me this escape from what I thought I knew about life to something that I constantly wanted to question. I wanted more! We talked at great lengths about the universe, and what consciousness is ... amazing. He would run all of these tests on me, asking when I touched my hair, what was I thinking? I used to be a constant fiddler - so this went on for a very long time. I could tell he was taking an inventory of my emotions and my response to stimulants, but I just didn't care. I found the fact that he could figure me out super sexy; it certainly kept me honest knowing that I couldn't tell a lie (which of course I tried a few times, and was immediately called out on).

I asked him all of the time if we were boyfriend/ girlfriend - but he kept insisting that he didn't want to label what we had. *cough cough BULLSHIT* He didn't even position it that way, it was just more of a "let's see how things go" type scenario. I, at the time, adored labels. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to keep introducing him to my friends as just a friend - I wanted a relationship. I said I can't even look at another guy - let's make a go at this. Yeah, cardinal rule #1 in life, don't ever pressure dudes for anything ... ever. He brushed it off ... and brushed it off ... til eventually I gave up asking.

I had won a settlement in a lawsuit a few months earlier, (in 2007 I lost everything I owned in a massive cockroach infestation. Can't talk about it per the settlement I signed, but it was a nice lil' chunk of change) so I didn't have to go immediately into a job search or anything. I was honestly learning as much as I could about the social space while at the time feeling completely consumed with this head to toe love that I felt. He was pretty savvy when it came to business, so he and I would sit there and really get off on talking about business and how I can help his career etc. I can't be with a guy that doesn't LOVE what he does. I knew the web, the social space, and can edit videos, so I offered to help him as much as possible.

After a few weeks, he came back from the pool one day and said that we were going to have some visitors. Visitors? Oh peppermint patty. Alrite, I can deal ... a little weird I thought since it was a 1 bedroom apartment, and not exactly a spacious one. Where the hell are they going to sleep? The living room, he piped up! He got out this queen sized air mattress, and low and behold later that evening, there were 2 girls that started to live in the living room. He had told me that they were in town for a few weeks from England, and had been kicked out of their hotel room. He felt bad for them and wanted to take them in. It didn't help that both of these chicks were serious hotties. I mean - wow. Total Betties.

I was honestly never intimidated by just how hot these chicks were (it's LA, hot girls are a dime a dozen), because after the first night of kicking it with them - they were so effin rad. Super sweet girls with the cutest English accents in the world. Like literally, we are all still besties on Facebook.

It was pretty much common knowledge in the house that the mentalist was off limits. I can be a pretty kinky bitch and all, but not when it comes to anything within a living situation. I am INCREDIBLY black and white about non-sexualness that goes on with roomies. Not going to happen, ever.

I asked them all about their life on the other side of the pond, and we bonded and gabbed like any 3 chicks living in a 1 bedroom apartment would.

The mentalist loved touting to his friends that he had all of these chicks living in his apartment. He totally got off on having a harem of sorts. Mind you, for me, if this was his little version of the Playboy Mansion, at least I got to be his number 1 - I slept in his bed.

This guy wasn't romantic - at all. He wasn't even particularly nice to me, yet I always brushed it off because at that point I couldn't help the fact that I was in love. (This part is so embarassing to write, you all have no idea - I cannot believe I let someone treat me that way.) He would tease me for dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld, or by sitting on Mashable morning, noon, and night. He literally used to just say, why don't you marry Pete Cashmore - you're on that damn thing so much. You and your social media!!!!! He teased me pretty much relentlessly, but I would always smile and just sort of brush it off. Dude, I grew up with an older brother - if anything I processed it more as a term of endearment. Very sad, but very true.

Sex with him however, was literally the best I have ever had in my entire life. We were anatomically very compatible. In fact, he gave me my first orgasm from intercourse. My body CRRAAVVEEEEDDDDDD him, and he turned me on to sex in ways that I didn't know my body could be turned on. I even at one point broke his bed, hahahaahahaahhaha!! That was fun!!!! (Like literally - I busted a support beam in the middle while I was on top and the whole bed just went BOOOOMMMMM) Again, it honestly had way less to do with anything he did in a physical sense, it was more of the fact that I had never loved someone like I loved him. Oxytocin and endorphins pumping through your body make you a bloody idiot.

All while experiencing my summer of bliss, my grandmother was in the final stages of her life. My family was an absolute wreck over it. I didn't know how to process this 24/7 doom and gloom of talking to my family and then this UNBELIEVABLE high from being in love. I did the only thing I knew to do ... I escaped into my bliss. Wrong, yes. Do I regret it? Kind of. There were CERTAINLY way better ways to handle the situation than completely just close up emotionally to my family. Like literally, screaming matches with my parents were a weekly thing. They didn't understand what I was doing, why I was treating them like that ... that in and of itself is an entirely separate story - and doesn't have anything to do with this, but the timing was also something to note. He actually encouraged me to talk to my parents, and continuously work things out. We talked about it all the time, he just kept saying, they're your parents - you have to be there. I couldn't deal. Emotional stability, at that time, was not my friend, as was evident from the time I threw my phone across the courtyard. (Yay the Voyager for surviving that one with just a few scratches! Muy impressivo!)

An emotional escape artist dating a professional escape artist. HA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now are you starting to get why I am so insistent on life being so reflective? Kinda makes sense now? eh? eh? eh?

My parents threatened to come out on a plane multiple times to "knock some sense into me" - little did they know though, that he was in their corner. That's the truth! I just needed my own space, needed my own time to breathe. Again, worst. timing. ever. But everything for a reason, and I am still working on repairing our relationship which is all I can do at this point. 

Alrite, I am going to take a breather here. The next bit of the story gets incredibly. incredibly. incredibly intense. It involves the English girls going home, two more girls from Minnesota moving in, a girl who baked brownies, and the blowjob that would change my life.

Again, this isn't about airing out dirty laundry on this duderino. This is just my side of the story, which is why I'd never publicly release his name - it's not my style. I very literally cannot move on with my OKC experiment until I emotionally release this individual from my life. I thought I had, but clearly based on my experiment's findings - I have a ways to go. It's amazing when you're naturally a busy worker - I can DRRROOOWWNNNNNNN myself in work. Fuck, because of this dude, I launched an entire brand with the energy I had for our relationship. That certainly says something ... but I still have to process the emotions behind it. It's the only way.

I ask as a favor to the community for comments, tweets, whatever to be INCREDIBLY gentle. These are very raw wounds I am exposing, and I am incredibly embarrassed by how fucking stupid I was regarding this individual ... but its a part of life, and this is my next doable action.

Thanks so so so much for reading. You have no idea how good it feels to just let these feelings out.

xoxo #nerdsunite

Click here to read the next installment

Behind #TNTML: It all started with a #mentalist

As we get closer and closer to our 1 year anniversary, I wanted to start a series of little tidbits on how we got to where we are today. Peeps always ask me when we hang out IRL - so it just kinda made sense.

Exactly one year ago, I was in Hollywood living with the guy I was dating at the time. We weren't "exclusive" however it is of my opinion that if you are sharing a bed and a roof with someone, you're pretty serious. In any event, I was mistaken. I guess that comes with the territory when you are dating a mind reader. Literally, he is a professional mentalist. I had gotten money from the lawsuit I won from my landlord back in July of 2007, when I lost everything I owned in a massive cockroach infestation. YAYY city living!!! (This is also why I was easily able to give all of my things up again a few months back to become homeless on this venture ... it wasn't my first time at the rodeo!)

So, I spent a chunk of last summer when I was done modeling in Florida, to early fall, studying and absorbing the trends in social media, learning how to code apps (shout out to Xcode & Dashcode), and basically trying to keep my feet on the ground from being head over heels in love. It was pretty intense.

When he was on tour, I would literally just sit in the bedroom all day studying, studying, and studying where all of this was "going" and what all of it meant. The mentalist taught me cause and effect. See, social media is only a reflection of life. So, people can sit there til the cows come home and say these social sites are so fickle and blah blah blah, but if you understand the bottom line of WHY people are using them, and the value they get from them ... the cause ... you can figure out where they will go with it aka the effect.

What the mentalist was able to do with me and studying my body language, I am now able to mimic in social media. He would see me playing with my necklace, or touching my hair ... and would say, "what are you thinking right now," and I would tell him. I am a pretty weird person, if you couldn't figure that out by now, dating someone that could "read my mind" never really phased me. I had nothing to hide, and if anything it was an incredible turn on dating someone so smart.

I asked him why he was always taking my physical inventory, and he told me that when you stand a certain way, cross your arms, touch your ear, you are stimulated by a thought and therefore physically manifest that emotion. Women are NOTORIOUS for doing it on dates when they primp their hair. Liars will often touch their face when they are lying. The list goes on ... and it is pretty intense. By being his subject, I was able to learn his tests. Social media, again, being a reflection of life, I turned inward and figured out how to read people online.

I can read default avatars like it is my job, because frankly, it is. First off, what type of picture do you have up? (Please note, this is strictly IMHO, it is not a science, nor do I have anything other than my humble opinion, but I can say it ranks to be true over 99% of the time.)

I can tell you from my studies, I can conclude that someone with a cartoon or cartoon type logo has image issues. I haven't been able to isolate enough of the variables to be able to conclude if they are body image or what, but got a cartoon up? You're not lovin what you see in the mirror!

People who have a shared default with a spouse/ friend/ sibling/ ... whatevs, have co-dependency issues. Dude, this is YOUR default. YOUR space, YOUR representation of self to the world ... and you share it with someone else? Are you kidding me?!

I can break it down even more to people who change their defaults often, the photo filter that can be in place on a given default, I mean ... its nuts. But I was the subject from one of the best in the world, digitizing it was not a big deal.

The mentalist as it turned out, was sleeping with I don't even knowwwww how many other women when he was on tour - so yeah, we broke up. It's pretty funny though, I befriended one of his other many girlfriends, and she was even featured as a Hot Nerd of the Micro Nano on this site. Super cool chick, I can see why he told her he loved her too. However, if it weren't for the mentalist I don't think I would have understood people as much as I do now. He taught me how to break people down in very matter of fact ways. You detach all the emotional elements, and profile what type of person each is, so you can find their constant and generally be able to predict how they will react to outside stimulus. It's pretty insane, but he has a world wide tour based on it.

I will go to my grave thanking the mentalist not for my broken heart, but for being the first step of my very long journey. I was so deliriously in love with that person, that I wanted to fight so hard to be happy again when he broke my heart. I found my happiness in this blessed little website. You all make me happy. It was that battle and fearless search for it that was the first step. I didn't know where it was going to lead me, but every day I am thankful.

So yeah, there ya go ... step 1. I had a broken heart.

#NerdsUnite

PS. Success is the best revenge. When we broke up, I would always say to him "be well." Even when it came to talking to his other now ex-gf, I kept saying to her, don't try and get even, just walk away. It wasn't easy walking away from him, even after all was said and done ... but there is DEFINITELY some bitchin karma in attaining a certain level of success in less than a year, versus someone who continually cheated the system and has taken almost a decade to get half as far. Jigga ... Jigga ... Jigga ...