#TrueStory: My Conversation With A Spider

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jen. She's a wife, mother, photographer, spunky, brutally honest, and like everyone else, still trying to figure out what all of those labels mean.  I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEN!!! !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jen Swedhin

After getting out of the shower this morning, I saw a small-ish creepy brown spider trying to get out of the sink. Instinct kicked in and I turned on the water and started rinsing him down. He fought it hard, and my empathy kicked in. “You’re right, that was rude, I’m sorry.” I literally said that out loud as I turned off the water.

As a side note, those of you that know me know that I don’t kill spiders. I don’t kill bugs in general, except mosquitoes and flies. I relocate. I’m not scared of bugs or creepy crawlies. Usually.

I watched him struggle against the wet porcelain for a few seconds. I decided to throw him a lifeline. Without thinking I grabbed a Q tip and stuck it in front of him to help transport him to somewhere dry. He immediately darted up towards my hand at the speed of light, so fast that I did a spider spaz and threw the entire rig on the floor.

Staring down in pity at his crumpled and twitching body, I felt an inkling of guilt. “Listen man, I want to help you out.” Yeah, I was talking to a tiny spider, and not feeling weird about it at all. “Here’s what I need from you. You eat these flies. All of them. In return I’ll let you live. One more thing, I don’t want you scaring the poops out of me when I come in here in the morning. Actually, I don’t want you scaring the poops out of me anytime of day.”

He seemed to take the deal, so I went on with my moisturizing routine. Which really just means lotion, it just sounds nicer. I turned around and there he was, heading towards me, dragging a leg that must have been broken during the spider spaz toss. He stopped in the exact place I stand to dry my hair. He worked on fixing his leg. For what seemed like hours. He fixed it. And fixed it. And eventually I got tired of waiting. I even asked him to move, reminding him of our deal, and that I had hair to dry and lashes to curl. And still he stayed.

Again, without thinking, I grabbed a Q tip to give him a little prod. The speedy bastard ran up the Q tip and gave me a full sized heart attack. Again. Then he jumped straight up at my face, getting a solid foot of air. Twice. He pushed through the pain of the broken leg and ran in big circles all over the bathroom floor at speeds I wasn’t aware were allowed in a tiny bathroom dwelling spider. While I sat cowering in the corner being pissed that a spider actually scared me, he ran and hid under a pair of underwear. I pulled myself together and finished the morning routine.

Spider, you are on probation. Scare the poops out of me again and I will be terminating our arrangement. I mean, really, I was quite clear on my expectations. Turning into a speedy jumping spider was totally unnecessary.

#thathappened

Words of Wisdom with @Jesus_M_Christ

#NerdsUnite: I can haz surfboard sponsorship?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

In a early morning bed time conversation I realized how far this whole thing has come. Candidly, I didn't know that this trip would ever come to fruition during its early stages. This morning my friend looks over at me and says, "you seem so free, so happy." I still remember the thought that I was trapped in something that was insurmountable. Such a burden that it took extreme action to pull myself into a new, better life. And now here we are, ticket bought, money goin in the bank daily and now............

MY FIRST SPONSORSHIP APPLICATION!!!!!!!!!!!

First thing that I'm pursuing is a surfboard sponsorship. I received an email a couple days ago letting me know that I had someone very interested. Although it's too soon to name names or go into to much detail, I can say that I am fairly confident that I'll have a deal closed by the end of the coming week. For me this means legitimacy, it means that the idea was big enough and crazy enough to rally others around in big ways. From the sad lonely person I was to the free individual who's creating a life from the ground up, I now have a date, I'm on the cusp of having my first sponsor, I have TV airplay, but most of all I have a life that I'm head-over-heels in love with. The energy within and around me is illuminating a light that's continuing to attract amazing people like moths the the flame. The only thing that hurts my heart is the thought of not seeing the amazing people that I live with and around everyday. They warm my heart and give me so much support. You know who you are and you know how much I love you all. 

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#RealDeal: Burdens of a Bouncer

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

I haven't been a bouncer for long. Lord knows I have far less stories to tell than the average seen it all bouncer at any bar. I can only say that being a bouncer puts you in another world. A  world where you are what stands between the drinker and the drink they want.

I've witnessed very interesting things in the very brief few nights I’ve bouncing. I will have more stories to tell after I have had more experience. I work at three different bars all owned by the same people. So you get three very different clientele. The first is a fancy night club esq bar called Kathouse. They have ample amounts of room to dance and generally moderate drink prices. This being one of maybe four bars that focus on the dancing aspect of Manhattan's nightlife it’s usual attendees are either there just to dance or to try and hook up. There is a dress code here that forbids the wearing of tank tops for men and the need for women to at least have their privatized real estate in off limits for the viewing of others. It goes without saying that I have watched girls hike up their skirts as soon as they are in. In one case we escorted a girl out that felt the ample air conditioned atmosphere was just too hot and went boldly about in her bra.

The second AggieStation is a more relaxed and casual bar that allows people to talk and get to know each other. With many tables to sit at you are rarely on your feet. This bar so far has the least amount of drama. Much smaller and more intimate. The dress is casual to fancy and the patrons treat it with respect as it represents a finer arena for consumption than the noisy and unkempt bars up the street.

Lastly, Aggie Central home of local music. Other bars pull in bands but this is the only one that can adequately handle a concert in the ville. The people that frequent nights here range immensely based on the the type of music being played. As does the atmosphere. A very large bar with a decent patio section it gets it’s fair share of commerce.

The rules I adhere to aren't rigorous. Yet, still there are those that find them a horrible inconvenience. Bouncers are treated like cyclists in traffic. God forbid someone holds you up for literally 20 seconds. As customers you must remember to make noises that children make when they don't get something they want. Fidget madly as the girl they came with gets in ahead of them... because jealousy can rear it's head in 10 seconds or less. Clench your fist as I check the legitimacy of your license because you know it's real... why don't I? Look offended if I let you in without checking your ID because you are obviously older than 40. I don't know if patience is something we have quickly evolved out of in our species but we damn sure need to re-introduce it to society.

We get everything as quick as we want it, we look at any hindrance to our goal as the end of the Goddamn world. In my brief time as a bouncer I will say that this would solve 90% of all door drama. The haste you demand in both entrance and service is not granted to you because let's face it you aren’t famous. Even the ones that are... aren't. You are just a person like the Joe Schmoe in front of you. You are all the same and until I know you personally, don't expect me to give you any special treatment. I have worked a grand total of 12 days and in that very short time. I have been smacked in the face, several girls grinded on me because I guess I’m tall enough to be mistaken as a pole, I've been asked some weird questions about werewolves and shapeshifters, I've had people demand I tell them a joke, grant them entrance, an confess their desire to exchange something for admittance because they just happened to forget their license. Seriously, you do not go to the Bar district and forget your license... that's like going to the airport without your ticket. I'm sure it happens, but you aren't getting on that plane and you aren't getting in this bar.

Rules of etiquette for a bouncer are as follows. Be patient. Your haste will only strengthen my resolve to slow your pace. Don’t cut in line, that’s a dick move anywhere. Look me in the eye. If I’m checking your ID I have to look at your face. Don’t bring your mom to use her as a verifier. It makes you look really pathetic. Don’t demand any service of me or anyone else. We don’t get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. At the end of the night when asked to leave it is best you do so. We may have rules of our own, but state law says you have to be out by 2. We aren’t risking our jobs for your need to finish a drink you have been nursing for 30 minutes. Yes, I know our clocks are fast and you are aggravated because your watch says it’s only 1:45. No, I don’t care that you only want one more drink and you’ll make it fast. If I say you are out the bartenders will back me up and so will the cops next door.

Just some thoughts so far in my new adventures as a bouncer. See you all out this weekend.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: Relationship Lessons you can Learn from "How I Met Your Mother"

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's L. Sanchez

Plenty of people tune into popular sitcom "How I Met Your Mother" for the laughs, but you might not realize that the show offers a few gems when it comes to relationship advice. Part the show's charm is its imperfect characters who remind us of ourselves, and it's through their bumbling romances that we also learn what not to do. So what can you learn from Barney and his crew?

1) Don't Focus on Being Alone

This is Ted's biggest mistake. As he's looking for the so-called perfect woman, he spends too much time commiserating his loneliness. Yes, most of us want to be part of a couple, but he only makes himself miserable and drives his friends up a wall. The same drive also leads him to couple up with women who are obviously not right or him. Remember Jenifer Morrison's character Zoey? She might have been cute, but she was also a basket case who made Ted's life a living hell. What did he expect from a woman who routinely stole live animals and started things on fire in the name of activism?

Dating Lesson: Learn to be grateful and happy single. Don't have unrealistic expectations but don't settle because you're lonely, either.

2) Sex Doesn't Mean the Same Thing to Everyone, and That's Okay

Through most of the series, Barney is unable to commit. He spends his life trying to land women, and he succeeds more often than not. Barney frequently breaks the hearts of the women that he sleeps with because he's not honest about what he wants from them. He changes his ways when he falls for Ted's ex, Robin, but the show plays off of the disparity between Ted's unyielding desire to get married and Barney's commitment phobia. You often see Barney sneaking out of bedrooms to avoid talking to his partners, while Ted appears desperate and silly as he looks for his future wife. It's funny, but reinforces ideas that casual sex isn't always right (or wrong) for everyone.

Dating Lesson: Casual sex isn't necessarily bad if you're honest, with yourself and your partner, about what you want. Some people are ready to meet "the one" and others aren't.

3) Commitment Takes Hard Work

Perhaps the best relationship to emulate is that of Lily and Marshall, who eventually marry and have a child. They've stayed loyal to their vows and to one another, even in the face of financial woes, infertility, meddling family members and the death of a parent. Marshall once discovered that his lovely wife had a terrible credit score due to her shopping addiction, which resulted in the pair moving to a less-than-ideal home not far from a sewage plant because they couldn't qualify for anything better.

Dating Lesson: While not perfect, the couple tries to look at the big picture, rather than letting the details get them down, and it seems to work for them.

The entire HIMYM gang is there when you need them for just about any dating lesson on the planet. With all the crazy things that happen to each character, you're bound to find one you can identify with. That's what makes this a must-see show for so many. If you haven't seen "How I Met Your Mother" yet, you have time to catch up before the farewell season and can visit www.GetDirectTV.org to see what subscriptions are available to you.

#thatisall