#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (i fucking hate dating)

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so, i realized while on a date last night that the finance guy really fucked with my head. not that i still have feelings for him on a romantic level, but psychologically - there is still a lot there.

i spent a MONTH and a HALF with this guy telling him over and over what i did, even took him to site related events ... made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR how public my life is and the fact that people also genuinely do read us ... and everything fell flat.

HE SAID HE HAD NO IDEA!!! what fucking rubbish.

so, per my usual, i got back on the wagon - even wrote out this dating disclaimer. i'm genuinely not mad at the guy, he's super private so i get it ... but there i was last night telling this guy OVER AND OVER AND OVER exactly what i did and it felt so obnoxious. i would talk about the site but then stop and make sure he was getting it like a 5 year old.

that's NEVER me, man.

if guys im dating read this site, great - they may or may not be written about ... that i am EXTREMELY upfront about ... but mostly i hear from guys just how not connected digitally i am while im out and about with them. mentioning it over and over and over to this guy was like nails on chalkboard but after just getting burned so bad ... how could i not?

it just all really hurts. the artist in me can't not express myself and can't not write about these life experiences ... i was literally born to be doing what im doing as a lifecaster - but i did all of this to connect with people, and yet ive still failed at connecting in dating.

i wake up every.single.morning. and am reminded of something i am not good at. breaks my fucking heart. guys tell me over and over too that if i didnt have the site they'd love to date me, but it's bullshit. how can something that LIGHTS YOU UP INSIDE and spark this ... this ... FIRE ... eevveerrrrrr be denied.

i know i just have to keep doing what im doing. ive already taken out the "real time" component of dating regarding this brand, but it's not enough. i dont want to be this crazed psycho talking down to guys like they're a 5 year old saying ... but do you REALLY get this???

damn that finance guy.

oh look a puppy ...

#thatisall

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (am I worthy?)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Under your spell - Desire

I have to admit something to you peoples ... I am scared right now. Painfully painfully scared.

See, I've been dating this guy for - wow, a month and a half - and I'm pretty into him. He's the duderino who dialed the wrong number yet continued to text me for like the next month until I agreed to meet with him.

<tangent> We obviously met at a bar at some point, but he never called me. I genuinely never ever give out my number (less for privacy issues and more because I LOATHE talking on the phone to anyone outside of my family or business calls. I never ever talk to people on the phone - and even exchanging long texts can annoy me. It's terribly inefficient and discussing mundane details of one's existence does nothing for me. If you ever want to get a-hold of me you really do have to just use social media. </tangent>

This guy is fucking incredible. He's so sweet, so romantic, always knows what to say and when to say it ... and he's the reason why I put my foot down with Romeo and told him I couldn't speak to him again. It's bullshit and I'm ready for more intimate relationships in my life and before I could proceed I had to remove all parasitic entities.

We've been dating now for a bit, and slowly but surely I've stopped dating other people. I'll go out on dates to not get "too into him" but I haven't made it past the second date with anyone for months. 

I'm really scared. It freaks me out when I start to like a guy like this because I feel like every time I let my guard down I get hurt. To move past this stage in my life though I have to let said guard down and it's just a horribly uncomfortable place to be in.

::Mom and Dad ... stop reading here::

Dudes, this guy and I haven't even had sex yet. True story! He's again, extremely romantic, and wants to make a big night of everything.

I can say though, if his da dum da dum is anything like the magic he can work with his fingers ... I am in for quite the treat.

=) Mama likes.

This whole situation though is making me really grouchy. I don't understand how people allow themselves to fall for people when there are FAR too many variables that come into play.

Will we really like each other after the courting stage?

Am I girlfriend material?

Is HE boyfriend material?

Sexually speaking are we going to be compatible?

Does he really know what he's getting into dating a lifecaster?

Would his family like me?

Would my family like him?

This is actually the first guy that I've ever dated that I could genuinely see as being a partner. He's uber successful in business, extremely loving, HELLA smart (he auditioned for jeopardy), climbs mountains in his spare time, and walks me to my door. Oh yeah, and did I mention he's gorgeous and I can't remember a time I've been so attracted to someone?!!?!

I mean ... come on ... I'd be an IDIOT to let this one go, but who's to say he won't let me go?

He doesn't read the site, he calls it "cheating" - but I'm scared ... I'm so so scared.

This weekend he's planning our "big date" and I get so fucking awkward in situations like that. He even gave me a flower one night and I just stared at the thing wondering uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now what?

I said thank you, of course, but I freeze up in situations like that. I'm used to dating assholes because clearly there was something inside of me that tolerated being treated in that manner. Now that I've had a lot of spiritual cleansing with a Modern Day Shaman I've certainly attracted new energy, but what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?

Do I REALLY feel worthy enough to date a romantic?

AM I worthy enough?

Fuck, I'm scared to find out.

Wish me luck ...

#thatisall

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Madonna - Gang Bang

What's kicking loverbugs?

Long time no private chat.

Here ... grab a cup o'joe and stay a while.

Anywho, as usual, we've got loads going on. I just got back from a bartered adventure where I spent the weekend on this private winery owned by this big celebrity photographer. He is literally one of the nicest people ever, but also figured out a way to rent out his house to all of the shoots that he does, and that in turn pays his mortage. It's insane ... he's a very very very smart guy and it was incredibly inspiring since I'd like to have something like that when I raise a family. Look at this property!!!

This is the house from one of the Bachelors, and a Chris Brown video was shot there last weekend. The house is pretty much used 24/7. Very very very smart duderino.

Here I am drinking wine on said property ...

I had initially wanted to have a White Trash weekend at the winery, but because it was so friggen cold - I just settled for some hoodie rocking, converse wearing good times.

AHHHHHHHHH My anxiety right now is through the roof. I needed this getaway so friggen bad.

So, there's been a lot going on right now behind the scenes that I haven't been able to talk about. Not out of wanting to keep anything from you guys, but just with this level of uncertainty on what makes sense and what my next actions should be. I've been meeting with a bunch of TV peeps on projects, ANNND even today will be auditioning to be a panelist on this pretty popular show. It's all so fantastic, and all so wonderful - but this is LaLaLand. Peeps here dig kissing your ass, and I want to make sure that no matter what all of this is something I GENUINELY want to do, and it is something that will GENUINELY help this brand grow onto bigger and better things. I'm happier than a pig and shit right now with this site as is. We're still working on the redesign, but pretty much once that gets up - I will have ZERO complaints about this entire site. I have spent over 15,000 hours in the last 2.5 years working on it - and it's my baby.

It's hard though having all of these opportunities come to you, and you having to sit there and decide what makes sense and what doesn't. I turn back though to working with the Modern Day Shaman, and my own studying of Zen Buddhism, and I am reminded that the answers to every question we ever have in life are already inside of us. I already know all the answers to anything I could ever be asked in life; I'm already living my dream, I'm already living my bliss. Now is just the fun part of structuring a company, hiring a team, and going off into who knows what. My focus, however, needs to continue to stay in the now. My journey is the one that I will experience today in the next 86,400 seconds.

Dudes, I friggen lost my MACBOOK PRO this past weekend, and GENUINELY didn't even bat an eye. If this isn't some next level nirvana shit I don't know what is!!

<tangent> I had all of my gear on my back since I was getting picked up to go to the winery from my last meeting on Friday, and I got caught in this SUPPPEERRR gnarly downpour. I've been in LA for 8 years, and this was just ... horrific. My macbook pro was 3 compartments deep, and the ONLY tech toy to actually get water damage. My ipad was fine, all my cameras, even my electric blanket snuggie - all good. Macbook pro? No bueno. I fortunately always always always have at least one back up mac, so I'm fine for now - but will DEF be looking to upgrade to a new Macbook Pro and Macbook air in the next few months. </tangent>

It's just all so exciting. Everything is here, everything is happening now. I just have to stay present and listen. Fortunately, I got SO MUCH FREAKING SLEEP at the winery that I am that much more prepared for whatever life has for me this week. 

Actual couch I slept on bartering location based social media advice.

I'M FRIGGEN READY FOR YOU LIFE!!!

#BRINGIT

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (speaking from an uncomfortable place)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol

So, this week I have heard from not only the Modern Day Shaman, but through a dream that I had the other night - that I am not currently expressing my thoughts/truth. This, of course, made no sense to me at first because I'm a lifecaster ... all I friggen do is express my thoughts/truth ... but both the Shaman and my unconcious were actually right (shocker). I am not fully expressing my truth, until now. 

::deep breath:: 

... 

... 

... 

K ... I'm ready. 

Wait, 75% ready ... 

okay, fine 100 ... 

I'm scared. I'm actually deathly scared of everything right now. I am now running this new media company, and we have two TV shows in development, I've written 100 pages of my first book, we have a successful stage show in Hollywood ... oh yeah AND this website and all 70 writers ... all sounds awesome and super fancy pants, yet I'm going out of my mind with fear. I know the mantra "life begins outside of my comfort zone" but ALL I am right now is outside of my comfort zone. Personally, professionally, spiritually ... I mean COME ON!! 

My eyes have been plucked WIDE OPEN by the Shaman so much so that I've re-evaluated friendships, dating - everything. I'm in this space right now back to being a loner and none of it feels good. I know this is all part of the Shaman's plan, and I genuinely do trust and believe him ... but I'm petrified of everything. I don't have anyone but my own inner voice guiding me, and while that has served me TREMENDOUSLY in the past ... the girl who got picked on so badly in school that she had to get a fucking restraining order against 4 classmates still feels... weird. 

I sat in the Shamans office this week and cried from my soul with gratitude. I am so fucking grateful EVERY DAY that I can wake up and do this ... and hustle ... and prove that with TANGIBLE PROOF if you just sit there and set your freaking mind to something with the PUREST of hearts, and LOVE and PASSION ... anything is possible. The producer in me right now is salivating over this story - it's bat shit ... but the nerd in me that had anxiety and depression for 24 years is just crying out. Starting a company is the most insane thing a person could ever do - period end of sentence. You sacrifice everything for something that might ... and I mean MIIGGHHHTTT work out ... but ... I can't imagine not doing it. I've never felt more alive than I have in the last 2.5 years ... I'm just at such an uncomfortable part of this journey. I've actually BEEN this way for months (actually since I got hit with the brick), I just haven't found a way to express it. I've been trying to set boundaries with my life, and with this brand - but it's hard. This is the only thing that makes me feel better both professionally and creatively is writing all of this out. 

I don't know what I am doing right now ... and that is okay, because you don't ever have to have the next step figured out, you just have to be aware and present understanding that when you are ready it will be presented to you. 

This too shall pass ... I know it ... I just gotta keep dancing. 

#kthxbye

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Sour Times - Portishead

What a rough couple of weeks. Sunday will mark one month since I got hit in the head with a brick. Hilarious that on that night I will be on the red carpet for the Night of 100 Stars Party and then going to the after party for The Artist (for the Academy Awards). 

All week I am doing things with the oscars, and I even have a fancy pants red carpet badge ... professionally speaking, things. are. the. shit. I'm headed to NYC next week to meet with this start up that I am TOTALLY head over heels in love with (but completely FREAKED OUT by them since their product is so culturally disruptive), and then I'm back for a few days and then head off to Austin for SXSW. 

Personally speaking however, I am realizing a lot of things that I am no longer resonating with and I'm starting to feel like a crab that is outgrowing its shell. 

Working with a Modern Day Shaman (and even a dating coach) has been one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Your brain is like an onion, and it is your job every day to peel away more and more layers. 

The only problem with this, is that the more you explore spiritually the less people like to be around you. I have no filter ... ever. I say what I say and that isn't always the most tactful thing a person can do. I'm learning patience and tolerance in dealing with others, but when you are growing so fast I also enjoy moving around a lot and spending time with just myself. 

I am at the precipice now of deciding, as my buddy Josh put it the other day, figuring out where @JenFriel begins and where Jen Friel ends; I need to create that separation. I understand that I am the heart of this brand, and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED for where we are going - but I also need balance & boundaries. I NEED to have intimate relationships in my life and I need to create boundaries even with my friendships with people that cross the lines of personal and professional. 

My goal this year is to not only take a few leadership seminars (to learn how to lead more effectively and compassionately), but also to find other like minded women who either run their own business, have their own startup - and are as EQUALLY passionate about what they do as I am, and then we can totes be besties and like braid each other's hair n' shit.

I am praying to god that I don't end up like Liz Lemon when she went looking for her best friend in a Barnes and Nobel bathroom. 

If you don't watch 30 Rock, here's a hint ... it didn't end well. 

All I know in life is that like energy always. always. always. attracts. And if you ever want to know where you are, you have to look at the people around you. I am surrounded by an AMAZING group of talented, and beautiful women - but not a lot of other entrepreneurs. Is there something in me that I am denying in that capacity? Why don't I have friends that are female and take risks like I do? You absolutely HAVE to have a great support system in everything that you do, and these are some of the biggest moments in my life, so I need to find mentors and be open to newness of people that understand and can help me grow - it's the only way this is ever going to work. 

It's scary ... I'm scared ... but I'm also incredibly grateful and incredibly inspired. I've also noticed the closer you get to being in a "truer" state (whatever that really means) - the faster the universe gives you what you are asking for. I've already reached out to some amazing women today that inspire me ... so I'm excited to see where this all can go. 

All I know is that I'm scared but ready. 

Here's to you friends that I haven't friended yet!! Please just have long enough hair to braid. Not that there's anything wrong with short hair - but I really do make an EPIC french braid. 

Oh, but first here are two of my favorite quotes from my ABSOLUTE favorite book, The Alchemist ... 

There is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe.... The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness.

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Namaste Paulo ... na ... ma... ste ... 

#kthxbye