#Randombling: Dating Detox Day Two

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Icona Pop - I love it (Featuring Charli XCX)

New spin shoes!!So on Sunday after three years I decided to venture into the only dating path I had yet to walk down ... a dating detox. For reals, I have done 103 dates in 9 months, and two years later, averaged 2-3 dates per week still, AND I'm a domme with 6 slaves. How is it after hundreds and hundreds of dates I am still not any closer to being in a relationship?? 

I am DAMN good (damnit, $10 more dollars) at speaking intelligently on current dating trends, techniques, and social dynamics as a whole - but that same gift of analysis is a curse. You can't sit there on a date and in real time examine the dude across the table from you, but I can't help it if I'm not stimulated enough that that's where my brain jumps to.

It saddens me how little people enjoy their lives, and how much people just "check in" and "check out" of their jobs.

Dating is one of my BIGGEST passions!! I love people, I love seeing how quirky, weird, and what kinda cool and kinky stuff they are into. 

Sigh. 

Now I am without all of it for 28 more days. 

The hardest was just the simple morning email checks. I had to delete all my dating applications on my iphone just so I wouldn't absent mindedly check one of them. 

I also had to make a series of really awkward phone calls to guys I had given my number to last week but hadn't followed up with. 

Guys were like uhhhh ... wait, when does this end? 

Valentines day, I would say. 

Everyone thought I was weird, but it's cool, I'll own it. 

I keep focusing on the actions that I have set for myself, and somehow that is managing to keep me going and not feel as sad about the withdrawal.

So far, I have already gotten a fresh manicure (see above photo), continued my morning runs, AND still go to a spin class every day. Dudes I even got spin shoes for class!!! I feel so fancy pants. 

My room is clean, and I've already designed my next tattoo. (I have to keep it drawn on my arm for about the next week to make sure that I like it. I've actually wanted to get something in that spot for quite some time, and this tattoo is a beautiful representation of this next phase in my life.) 

I also got rid of all of the presents guys have bought me. (I still had a sweatshirt Antonio gave me, and a ton of little gems dudes bought on random dates. New dating karma, I thought. Everything. Must. GO!!!) I've also been eating super healthy, and am even going to the doctor in the morning just to get a checkup. WAHOO!! 

I'm itching to do something and itching to get out and meet some new people, but those desires will soon pass. It's hard going from 60 mph dating wise to this extreme stillness. I have no idea if any of this is actually going to work, but what are my options at this point? 

Onward and upward ... I hope. 

Oh yeah, and the bed I stayed in in San Francisco on Sunday night totally had bed bugs. That was awesome. I had no idea I could scream and take off clothing so fast in all of my life. YAY NEW RECORD UNLOCKED!!!!! 

#thatisall

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#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (here's to the night)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Eve 6 - Here's to the night

Hi friends. 

So, this was a pretty big week for me on a lot of levels. 

1) I had a friend staying with me all week, @internetsabrina, and she might be one of my new favorite people ever. It's been SO fun having someone to play with around the house and out and about. I love love love the idea of living and co-working together. Co-working spaces are the bomb, obvi, but there is another level of intimacy and connection you can have with someone when you're in the same field as them AND you have a Jersey Shore and Ru-Paul Drag Race viewing party before your first cup of coffee. It's again, this jarring reminder of how important intimate relationships are in general. I'm SUPER proud to say as well that I TREMENDOUSLY built out my friendships in the last few months. I actually talk to people on the phone now, and make.an.effort. to talk to people and not just catch up with them in social media. So much of my job is to be out and about meeting new people, so it's genuinely hard to allocate even MORE time to the personal stuff, but again, it's important and my happiness depends on it. 

2) I'm not sure "where I am at" dating wise. I'm so confused right now. I'm dating all these super fancy pants dudes that are flying me around, taking me to nice dinners, I'm staying in the poshest hotels - and it can still be like watching paint dry. I had a REALLY great first date a few weeks back, and then the dude just dropped off the face of the planet. I TOTALLY felt sparks with that guy, yet like with the 103 dates in 9 months, did I only feel the sparks because he too is emotionally unavailable? What the fuck does that even really mean?!? It's like my brain censors are in reverse. What I recognize as being hot is actually cold. Every.single.time. I get burned because of it. This all comes back to self, like everything in life, but I'm just going to cool my jets a bit. I need to stop seeking a relationship and instead grow and cultivate intimacy first. This, for a workaholic, is never easy but who knows. 

3) Speaking of workaholic, I have a new manager who is a POWERHOUSE. Holy fucking shit, this dude scares the shit out of me in every awesome way ever. We became friends on Facebook a while back, and like with everyone, I snooped and checked him out. Very quickly I found out he was super fancy pants.

Flashforward to just a few weeks ago, I was seeking advice on what my next career step should be. I asked if I could talk to him for just a few minutes to pick his brain, and then the next morning we talked for about a half an hour and he gave me a ton of great advice.

Everyone keeps telling you you're wonderful, he said, but what are they all doing about it?

I know, I said. I then asked him to connect me with anyone he thought could help, and after a few minutes he responded back via Facebook saying he wanted to meet with me.

Our meeting was just last Tuesday and by the end of it I was lightheaded in the best way ever. This guy knows his shit, and already had two TV show ideas for me by the end of it. This is what you're already doing, he said. This is already on the table, but to do this we have to be in a COMPLETELY co-dependent relationship. If you break up with your boyfriend, you tell him and then call me. Get it?

I smiled, and realized we were going to get along quite well. It's going to be a hard adjustment getting used to having someone else inside my brain, but this guy has proven himself EVEN BEFORE I SIGNED THE CONTRACT!!! I already have meetings set up, and he's already talked to a bunch of different production companies about what I want to do. That's more than I've gotten done in the last year, even WITH all the pitching we've been doing to the networks for the first scripted TV show. It's fucking nuts, man, and all a crap shoot. Right place, right time, right network. Just gotta keep on hustling and establish out the right team. This.Guy.Was.My.Missing.Link. 

I've had various management for the last 10 years and I've never seen anything like this dude.

We shall see ... 

4) My high school reunion is in exactly one week. It's such a strange, bittersweet process to experience. On the one hand, it's a definite chapter closing. I no longer have family in CT and genuinely have no reason to ever go back. As stated in a previous post, my graduation from high school was the hands down worst day of my life. I wasn't even bullied in school, I was stalked, and that entire process was horrid. I have a lifetime restraining order against the four girls, but I just need for my own psyche to put a period at the end of this sentence and wish everyone well. I don't wish a single person ill, even the stalkers (although if any of them do show I will be enforcing the order), I just want to be done done done with all of this. I never fit in in CT so I moved to LA almost 9 years ago and now I'm doing damn well for myself. I don't need to prove my worth or anything to anyone (nor will anyone even care since we are all such insular beings) ... I'm more or less just looking for a solid party with these people, and then I peace out Sunday to head to Colorado. 

I'm as usual very confused. I have a series of next doable actions in front of me based on stuff my new manager wants me doing (which is GREAT for me because my brain gets so over-stimulated on so many shiny things and then I end up getting nothing done). I just need to let go and let the process take me over. It's going to be scary, but I really really know my shit and I'm a great writer and producer. Now with such a powerhouse in entertainment in my corner, shits gonna get dooonnnnneeeeee. 

I'm grateful. Very very very grateful. 

Bring it, Hall High class of 2002!! Stoked to see those faces!! =) 

#love

Oh yeah and ... 

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#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (another day another domination)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Thunderheist - Jerk It

And I'm back from SF for the next few days. 

I don't know how my liver survived that trip, but I am grateful. 

So much is going on right now, it's kinda nuts. First up, this afternoon I am going to be dominating a new slave all while writing a piece for Suicide Girls on how being a domme helps me as an entrepreneur. 

Being a domme (for me) isn't sexual, it's psychological. (I discovered that actually when I let a friend of mine dominate me so I could have a first hand exploration in the culture.) Everything about being a good domme is in understanding the subtleties of a scenario. 

It's not JUST that I make my slaves wear the hanibal mask .... 

... but it's that when they do, I make them sniff the leather first. 

That smell then places them in this submissive role which will then allow me to push them further. 

I remember being blindfolded and COMPLETELY freaking out when my buddy stomped his boot all around my head as I was laying on the ground. That anticipation and fear took me to this level psychologically that was really fucking hot. 

I can't begin to tell you how much of this experience in the last few months has helped me running my own business. Anytime I am negotiating a deal, or going back and forth with someone on something I will literally put on my domme shoes and walk around the apartment in them as I am on the phone. Obvi, no one knows, but I do and I IMMEDIATELY go into that place where there are only two rules: 

1) My slaves do everything I tell them. 

2) They call me Mistress Jennifer. 

So. Fucking. Amazing. and so excited to write this piece in just a few minutes. 

On another note ... I COMPLETELY accidentally started dating this actor. 

We met online a few weeks back, and HE was the one that actually kept emailing. We then kicked it, and I randomly even bumped into him at the Playboy Mansion when I was there for their Halloween party. 

We were obvi still texting at that time, but I was kinda meh. I was just overwhelmed to begin with and honestly starting to question everything I was doing with dating. 

We then kicked it again this past weekend and while at one of my favorite bars all these people kept coming up to him. 

He's a SUPER humble dude, so anytime he told me about what he did it was more from the writing perspective. 

I finally just got semi-pissed and was like, who are you? 

I'm on a TV show, he admitted. 

(He then told me what network and the name.) 

I had heard of it obvi, but I'm not their demographic. 

It was so weird. I'm SUPER into pop culture so for me to not know off hand who this dude was just made me laugh. Only in fucking LA, man!!! 

Either way, we have another date tonight. Really chill dude. It's hilarious too when I tell him some of my stories he always asks, have you written about that yet? 

I then glare at him thinking, I TOTALLY get it when people say they hate dating writers or producers in general as real life experiences so often become story lines. I'm DVRing his show just incase. 

Anywho, also have LOADS of traveling coming up. I'll be back in SF for a date from Saturday til Monday. Followed by being in Santa Monica all next week (I'll be living out of the Casa Del Mar with a buddy of mine). Followed by a trip to my 10 year reunion back in CT on Thanksgiving and on the way back I'll be in CO to go skiing. THHHEENNNNNN, I'll be in Florida for my birthday and DC for Christmas. Pretty much once a week til the end of the year I'll be traveling out and about having adventures. Since traveling is on my bliss list this pleases me tremendously. 

Anyway, my slave is about to get here and I still have to finish getting ready and "in the mood." 

There is something oddly strange about objectifying and humiliating men. They fucking LOVE it, and to see someone in such a vulnerable and raw state is so spectacular. 

I'll let you all know when the suicide girls post goes live. This one is going to be juicy!!! =) 

#xoxo

Oh yeah and ... 

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#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (back to worky work work)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Girl on Fire - Alicia Keys

Hi nerds, 

First off, I just wanted to say thank you all so so so so soooo much for the emails, comments, tweets, and posts re: my family. I read every one and truly, from the depths of my everything - thank. you. 

Losing my grandmother wasn't "painful" it was this reminder of a hole that has been present in my soul for literally as long as I can remember. Emotional abuse is a gnarly thing to experience, but like everything else in life - as long as my heart is still beating and my lungs are still expanding it is just a life experience that I will one day look back on and maybe not be grateful for, but be aware at the strength it gave me. 

2012 has been one of the most interesting years of my life.

The first 6 months of the year this business was in HYPER HYPER growth, and now the last 4 months, on the flip side of things, my personal life has been in HYPER HYPER growth. Even my buddy aka the dude from Silicone Beach Fest said to me on Saturday that he can't believe how much I had evolved in the few months that I hadn't seen him. Chapters of my childhood are closing in rapid succession and all it is is a confirmation that I KNOOOWWW I am going to be settling down soon and starting to pop babies out of my belly. 

I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife, and while I date and find this person in the meantime - this business keeps me PLEENNNTTYYY busy and watching this brand grow has been truly the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. 

I had a meeting yesterday with a feature film production company, as well as this week more meetings with advisors, and one on Monday with a very large entertainment agency that is interested in investing in us. (Coincidentally too they represent the scripted TV show based on this site.) I'd like to think all of this business popping seemingly out of the blue is my grandmother making up things to me - but only time will tell when the ink is dry on the contracts. =) Get to work, bitch! 

On the personal side, this experience has also been very eye opening. I've made someone a priority for the last few months and it continues to fall flat. I'm a painfully, painfully optimistic person and because I love with all my heart, I genuinely expect others to do the same. I'm now starting to realize that maybe it's just not the case. It's obviously all just part of the journey, and there are never hard feelings, but as I was processing a lot of this last night I saw this trailer and this one quote in particular stood out to me ... 

See 1:40 

"- Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"

"- We accept the love we think we deserve." 

That's SO SO SO TRUE!!! The 103 dates in 9 months taught me of life's reflectiveness and how attraction and those "butterflies" are only rooted in emotional recognition.

ANNNNNNDDD I have also learned in the last few months that men will absolutely ONLY treat you the way you are projecting to be treated. (Being a dominatrix certainly helped me come to that conclusion) Literally every guy I've dated in the last 6 months has told me over and over what a lady I am, and how much they've enjoyed my company. 

I'm so so grateful for these experiences in dating, and for all of you. 

This last week hasn't been easy, but knowing you all were behind me kept me focused and strong and now I am headed back to work with my head held high and a smile on my face. 

OH OH! And tonight, I'll be promoing the new HTC One X Smartphone for AT&T at the Yelawolf concert, and tomorrow the "Date My School" Google hang out returns!! 

Keep on rockin out nerderinos, and thanks again for all the inspiration. 

Much love and many blessings!! 

Oh yeah and one more thing ... 

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#nerdsunite

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Jeremih - Down On Me

What a week this has been!! Very little talk and almost all action. 

I am so, so, so happy that I got rid of my old cell phone number, btw. My phone has been nicceeee and quiet with nothing but AMAZINGLY warm messages and calls from people that I care about. Everyone was great but concerned that I had some new crazy stalker. More on that in a second though. 

I thought I was going to have that number forever. I know some people change their number every few months or years ... but that was MY number for EIGHT freaking years. Big deal ... huge change. 

Even this morning I was talking to one of my best friends (I've actually known her since I was 12 and she lives out here in LA now), and she was floored at my level of commitment. 

I want more from my life, I kept telling her. "Success" isn't going to be measured by my job; it's going to be measured by my character and the relationships that I have in life. 

I literally had no intimate relationships before this week. 

It's totally all my own doing. I was the one that never reached out to people, or called them to see what was going on. I'm super close with my family, but my friendships wittled down to literally nothing but random comments and get togethers via social media or text messages. That's so not kosher for passover. 

On a semi-related note, I legitimately did pick up a new stalker this week. Completely unrelated to changing my phone number, but this guy outside of io/LA that is pantless and rocks a loin cloth just over his penis has been waiting for me. It's super creepy. This morning I got off the bus and he was there. He waited for me yesterday too, and the day before. He just stares at me inching closer and closer each time. Obvi, he's a transient, but what is the law around that type of thing? This is a free country I know, and he has ABSOLUTELY every right to occupy the street as much as I do ... but what do you do when it's legit becoming a problem? 

I'm not gonna lie I'm super creeped out by it. He tried boarding the bus with me last night and the bus driver wouldn't even let him on. He then proceeded to just stare at me - it was really really really creepy. Like serial killer movie type shit. 

I have an ENORMOUS amount of empathy for people like this dude, but he's very legit off his rocker and I just don't want to get attacked again. 

I won't live in fear of it, obvi, but I just need to figure out my next doable actions and find out what my rights are. Hmmmm 

OH! I'm also going gay bar hopping tonight (so I can dance all sexy sexy and not be bothered) ANNNDDD I have two super fancy formal dates lined up in the coming weeks. One guy is taking me out to this sushi restaurant I've been dying to try on Tuesday, and another is flying in from London in a few weeks and is taking me to a nice dinner. 

See, this is how normal people date.

I'm actually very much looking forward to both dates - and I feel this excitement and anticipation around it. Dates in the past were always just something that I did to occupy my time. 

Wow, it's amazing how desensitized I was to life!! That's an occupational hazard for a lifecaster!!! 

Either way, so UNBELIEVABLY grateful to everyone for their warm blessings this week (and advice on seed money!!). It has been very hard going through this life cycle so publicly - but all I know in life is that I know nothing ... and MAN is it awesome. 

#namaste