#Romeo: An update ... kind of

Captains blog: day 26 of my first love aka Romeo coming back into my life and I'm still just as confused as ever on what it all means. 

I literally don't know what to do with myself. I'm going out ... I'm dating ... I had two dates this weekend, one of which was the third date with the dialed the wrong number duderino.

I feel energetically depleted for lack of a better word. I literally can't do anything until he makes the next move.

UGH!! Sitting idle is NEVERRRRRR something someone like me ever wants to do. I don't know how to stop and how to not go after something that I want. All I know he needs right now is space, and I'm cool with it .... but this goes ENTIRELY AGAINST MY NATURE AS A HUSTLER!!! 

My normal thought process: 

Create goal

Breakdown steps into next doable actions

Execute next doable actions

Execute goal

I have no series of next doable actions, I have nothing but this hope that if nothing else I am more than ready to tell him my personal truth (which again is my test right now with the universe) which may be my ultimate personal truth. This one dude has been my heart for 8 years. We've not only been lovers but really really really good friends - and coming from someone that doesn't even want a house plant because it is too much of an attachment ... this is all kind of a big deal. 

I don't watch Greys Anatomy, but one of my buddies recommended this scene to help me visualize what the conversation may look like ... 

Again Romeo and I never even officially dated. I fell in love with him in our first kiss when I was 19, but I chalked it up to being young and dumb. He then falls in love with me almost 4 years later, and at that point he wasn't living in LA so what was I going to do? Then we BOTH move back to LA but I come back here for the Mentalist, not Romeo. THENNNNN he got so pissed at me we didn't really speak until I posted on him last summer and then the week later he cast me in that commercial. 

After seeing him last summer I very honestly never thought I'd be with him again. He looked AH-MAZING and SO FREAKING HAPPY ... how could I not want anything but the best for him? 

Wow, I'm literally tearing up at that right now ... he just looked so good. 

Him coming back into my life is the ultimate level of wooah. I either sleep too little or too much, I created an entire playlist of all the songs I've written to about him on my spotify ... I don't know what to do. I love him so much it literally hurts and now I'm supposed to sit here idle wondering what is going to happen next?? It's not fucking fair. And furthermore, I'm dating some REALLY great guys right now - and when he came back into my life I was literally HOURS away from getting into something with this other dude that is now obviously shot to shit. 

It's horrible. Horrible horrible horrible. 

I'm sick of this, but what more can I do except wait?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Anyone ever been in a situation like this before??? Tweet me ... I beg of you @jenfriel

#FML

They're Talking Nerdy Baby ... #NerdsUnite

Looky looky the email I got last night ... 

Here is the post this is referencing, btw. 

Thanks so much for this! I learned a lot from this experience, and I literally cannot get over how much the universe is throwing in my face right now the lesson of speaking my personal truth. It's insane, but like you said in the email - it really is. that. simple. All you need to do is say. what. you. feel. 

I'm a recovering people pleaser, and all that I know from being that way was that it lead me to a nervous breakdown at 22. You can't make people happy all of the time, all you can do is be true to YOURSELF and what YOU want and understand that life being reflective and like energy attracting, your set of circumstances will change based upon that. Everybody will not like you all of the time - period end of sentence. But what in us feels the need to please? What in us doesn't feel whole or complete enough that we have to seek the outside validation of pleasing others as a means to please ourself? It's a COMPLETE disservice and a temporary high - not a means to an end. I had to find my own voice, and find my own shiznat before I could ever truly find "happiness." Of course too, it's all a personal thing, and I'm still very much living on my journey - but I'm documenting and that increases my self awareness which makes my own role in situations like last Wednesday more apparent. 

Thanks for reading and thanks for reaching out!! =) 

Got something to say? Drop me an email! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover d c 

Peace love and lollipops nerderinos!! 

#love

#NerdsUnite: The Ramblings of a Raconteuse (Thank You Krysten Ritter)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Helenna. We met on twitter not too long ago, and she's totes mcgotes one rad chiquita banana with a flare for all things flair! That's right, Helenna here is what we call an artsy fartsy nerd. She's a poet, into all things dramatic arts, and she's going to come on board to write each week about her love of said drama. Well not like actual drama drama, like some cat fight shit - but you get the idea.

I only have one thing left to say ... HIT IT HELENNA!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Helslevy

Earlier this month my ginger BFF Risdon Roberts and I attended a talk with Krysten Ritter at the Writer’s Bootcamp in West LA.

I’ve gone to a number of talks around Los Angeles and I always love attending the ones where you leave feeling like you are on the right path.  This was one of those talks. 

I’d say that the number one most difficult thing about being an actor in Los Angeles is pushing through the intensely hard times when jobs come too far apart and money is extremely tight.  It’s in these moments that a lot of people either really stick their feet in the broken up Los Angeles pavement and declare that they are going to conquer this city, or they make the very hard decision of hopping on a plane back home to live a more “traditional life.”  

What is always encouraging to hear is that “it takes about 10 years to make an actor in LA.”  That’s basically the consensus.  Jenna Fischer talked about it in her blog, Kevin Alejandro discussed it in his interview with me, and even though Krysten had been booking smaller supporting parts for a number of years, she mentioned that it’d taken 10 years and now she’s the lead on Don’t Trust the B in Apt 23.   I’m not sure how people feel at the end of that 10 years if they still haven’t “gotten arrested” aka) “made it,”  and I still have quite of number of years to go, but overall “over night success” doesn’t really exist.  Knowing that has always been comforting and helped me push forward.

She also mentioned the lifestyle sacrifices that many people in the “real world”  might not necessarily understand, like the fact that as a writer she would stay in writing on the weekends while all of her friends went out. It seems like a minor thing, but it can be difficult to explain to people with 9-5 jobs that your schedule is the complete opposite of theirs or that you aren’t able to commit to a trip or a family gathering because you are waiting to hear about a job you won’t know about until last minute. 

A lot of my friends are also in the entertainment industry so they understand when I say I can’t meet up with them because I’m prepping for an audition or in pre-production on a project.  They’ll even understand when I’m not able to see them for months at a time because our schedules just don’t match up.  But as actors, writers, anyone in the entertainment industry we definitely march to the beat of a different drum. 

She also spoke about being at the top of your game as an actor and making sure that you stay sharp, this way when opportunities come you can seize them.  This is something that I’m really focusing in on right now.  While I’ve always felt “ready,”  I’m taking this preparedness to a whole different level lately.  I’m getting rid of anything that doesn’t currently serve me and focusing only on the things that aid my growth as an actor. 

All in all for both Risdon and I, seeing Krysten speak was incredibly encouraging. It was a great reminder that I’m doing things the right way and to just keep walking forward.

Thank you Krysten Ritter for taking the time out to share your experiences.  I hope to cross paths with you on the LA pavement one day soon.

#xoxo hels

tweet me at: @helslevy

browse me at: helennasantoslevy.com

email me at: contacthelenna@gmail.com

#ThankYouMom: I really liked the awkward photos you tagged me in on Facebook

YAY! How is everyone's Mother's Day weekend going?

Good?

Great!

That's what I like to hear from the voices inside my head that tell me the world is a wonderfully optimistic place always and for eva and eva. 

So, our folks over at @OlayUS are sponsoring us this weekend and some loverly moments I have had with my mother in social media. Yesterday I wrote about how Mama bears should respect their children's boundaries in tech and in social media, and today I'd like to share some fantastically embarrassing photos my mom tried tagging me in on Facebook. 

1) The time we all rode a roller coaster together. 

The first one is kinda funny, less embarrassing but tells you SO much about my family ... 

Here are my mom, dad, and I on a kiddie roller coaster in Florida. 

No, literally ... a kiddie roller coaster. This was the first time in 24 years btw, that I had ever even SEEN my dad on a roller coaster, but it explains so much about our personalities. There I am in stride laughing at the entire thing after almost losing my lunch on Montu (the very scary upside down roller coaster), my mom who rides a handful of roller coasters but nothing that flips her upside down is clearly a bit rattled, and finally my dad is screaming for his life. 

HAHA this picture is so classic. 

Kiddie roller coaster ... KIDDIE!! 

Moving on ... 

2) The 6 years that my mom gave me a mullet.

I had an EPIC mullet all throughout the 80s. It's crazy, and I FULLY intend on finding more pictures of it later this year when I head back home. Who did my mom think I was the nerdy spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus? 

MULLETS ARE NEVER OKAY. 

Period end of sentence.

Bad mommy! Bad mommy! 

3) The time you put me in the kitty and jewel sweater for our Sears portrait. 

Yep, that's me. I think I was like 8 or 9 in this photo, and I am clearly miserable. See, the person I am standing with is my Aunt Esther, whom I utterly utterly utterly adored - however, she bought us the WORST clothing ever.

Not that beggars can be choosers, but IT HAS KITTIES AND JEWELS ON IT!!! Even at EIGHT I knew I looked like a piece of poo ... and what's that mom, am I STILL rocking a pseudo-mullet?? What is going on here??!?! 

OOOOHHH mothers, they are so wonderful until you see that they've tagged you on Facebook!! 

#NOTWINNING

::Special thanks to @olayus for the Mother's Day sponsorship lovin & check out their fanschmastically awesome video over yonder::

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (My Revelation on Drinking and Dating)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

My latest revelation in life has come very late, but that doesn't mean that it's too late.  I mean, revelations don't come to you in the beginning, they come to you somewhere in the middle.  When a revelation comes to you in the "beginning" that's not a revelation, that's just preparation.

I had a revelation and last night and maybe it would have been nice to have thought of this ten years ago, but there is still plenty of time to apply this to my life going forward and I am excited to see the results.  I honestly don't feel like a lot people will be able to relate to this and I can already picture some of you judging me for it, but I don't care because I have already had a revelation about people judging you: It doesn't matter and you shouldn't give it 1% of your attention or energy.

Judge away.

Last night I went out with some friends.  It was $2.50 margarita Wednesdays at Barragon's in Echo Park and I wanted to join in on what my friend called: "Wednesday Buck Buck."  (Buck as in "Buck Wild" but in this case we would actually be going double that... "Buck Buck Wild.")

The name alone had sold me that I wanted to join in on the festivities.  I want to be a part of Wednesday Buck Buck!  The only problem is that it's Wednesday.  And it's in Echo Park.  And that's not close to my house.  And I have to be at work by 8 AM.  What to do?  

I had two choices in front of me: Go Buck Buck and force myself to wake up at 5:30 AM to beat traffic and get ready for work or dial it down two notches, simply go "Wednesday Bu Bu," and drive home.  I opted to just dial it down a notch, keep it cool, keep my wits so that I could drive home in time to get a couple hours of z's and head off to work.

It was a revelation.

Some of you are probably saying "I don't see what the big deal is?" but this is where the part comes that you judge me for.  I don't go half-ass on drinking.  EVER.  I went to Washington State University and that means something.  Maybe its a reputation that some alumni don't like, but people that go to school there go hard in the paint.  They go h.a.m.  That shit cray.  They whistle while they twerk.  We back dat azz up.  

Sorry, I got distracted for a minute.  But seriously, we drink.  There's nothing else to do there, it's a small town in Eastern Washington and the entire population of the town is basically 20,000 college students and seven teachers.

There are two movie theaters.  The closest town is Moscow, Idaho and it might as well be the more famous Moscow in Russia, which is probably more prosperous.  So we drink and we drink and we drink til we sleep and that habit has been with me ever since.

Some people would say I was an alcoholic but I went two years without drinking after I graduated and it wasn't a conscious choice, I was just in a relationship and I never felt the need to.  You could probably call me some kind of alcoholic though based on how I drink, but I don't know.  And I don't care.  But all I know was that last night felt different.

I drank my margaritas in moderation and I took it slow.  I enjoyed conversations, talked with friends, laughed, broke up fights, and had a good time.  Most of all though, I noticed the behavior of women towards me and that was weird.

It was weird because they were flirtatious and I was holding conversations and I sort of felt like I had this new control.  Not because they were drunk, because they weren't, but because I wasn't drunk.  I was simply myself but with a little kick.  I was like a Bud Light Lime.

For the first time since... maybe ever... I was in control of myself while I was out drinking with my friends and I absolutely loved it.  I leaned over to my friend, a guy that I know has already mastered the technique of drinking in moderation and told him about the revelation I was having at just that moment and he simply said, "Oh yeah.  I've had that revelation and it's fucking amazing."

Last night I had to control my drinking because I had to drive home at the end of the night but from now on I am going to control my drinking because I want to.  I am going to take control of my drinking because it's going to help me take control of my life.  I am going to control my drinking and maybe make less an ass of myself in front of the ladies at the bar and maybe next time get a phone number and not text terrible messages at 3 AM.

I want to mark this moment, May 5th 2012, as the day that I start the "experiment" known as "Kenny's Controlled Drinking" and I will relay my results back as they come.

Wish me luck!

I mean, wish me buck buck!

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!