#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Nebraska)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

You know how Robert Frost wrote “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both,” right? Sometimes I feel like he wrote that just to taunt the rest of us into indeed attempting to find a way to take both paths — or at least, experiencing both of them. So when I could either go on a breakfast date with a gung-ho 33-year-old never-been-married Air Force Reserve officer or go to Vala’s Pumpkin Patch (aka, the Disneyland of the Midwest pumpkin scene) with a 31-year-old who admitted to being skeptical about the idea, I couldn’t see myself turning either of them down.

I misidentified Patrick, my pumpkin patch date, twice in the parking lot before finally meeting him. Internet photos are still,  so I see someone moving and try to imagine what they look like frozen in a moment. This is a terrible way to identify someone, and I hope to soon put to a vote an amendment that states all first dates should have to agree to be the girl with a bird on her sweater or be the man with the feather in his cap so as to avoid the embarrassment that comes with asking a strange man if he is Patrick just as his wife and kids walk up.

Vala’s is a sight: from the petting zoo to the pig races, the corn maze to the haunted house, the apple launcher to the pumpkin launcher, from the animatronic sideshows to the cone of just-made cookies. Oh right, and pumpkins. Pumpkins, pumpkins, everywhere. This “Squash-a-palooza” was quite a way to hang out with a new person — we were constantly presented new stimuli to discuss, interact with, and simply allow to be the background of us getting to know each other.

My second first date was breakfast with Ben (the Air Force Reserve officer) at one of Omaha’s highest ranked morning-meal establishments, Cafe L. As I’m not sure I’ve ever been on a first date over scrambled eggs, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m a morning person to the umpth degree, but I know most people are a bit more mellow post sleep. Was my best option to tone down my chipperer-than-thou morning routine, or should I just be myself for better or for worse?

Ben was a cool cucumber who I managed not to misidentify upon meeting. There are not a tremendous number of single men hanging around breakfast joints though, so I suppose the odds were in my favor. As we got down to brass tacks of dating — learning about each other’s relevant past, notable present, and hopes for the future — I settled into a muted version of my morning-self. A little calmer, but with flares of excitement.

Though both dates differed in an obvious fashion (location, location, location), they did have one common conversation topic: dating in Nebraska. And despite their differences in life, upbringing and dreams, both Ben and Patrick agreed on one opinion: getting a girl in the big NE is hard. Both men were in their early 30s and were frustrated with trying to find a girl who had never been married and did not have any children (or even just one of the two). They felt stifled by the girls they could find, and were looking for something more. Mostly though, they really just wanted to be someone’s first for something — preferably walking down the aisle or birthing classes.

I accept their point of view, but in some ways, I really don’t understand it. We’ve all made choices that give us a personal history, and we are all exactly who we are in the present because of those choices. To block out someone at age 30 because of a choice they made at age 20 seems a bit preposterous. (I dare any 30-year-old to tell me they are who they imagined they’d be a decade before).

What worries me about Ben and Patrick, less so than their seeming unwillingness to consider partners with what they’ve deemed as “flaws,” is the fact that what they desire seems to be nothing short of a mythical creature in their fair city. These guys are hunting for pixies. And what happens if they are not able to capture that pixie? Do they live unfulfilled? Do they eventually change their tune but resent the fact they had to “settle”? Do they move away?

On another note, what frustrates me about the singleness of Ben and Patrick is they both seem to be decent human beings. There is nothing overtly flawed about them. They were gentlemen, they asked questions, they were interested and were in turn interesting. I felt like any gal would be lucky to have one of them in her life. So I guess I really shouldn’t worry about them. They’re going to be fine.

We’re all going to be just fine.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#DatingDetox: ask how you can MessageMe

Hi friends, 

I am now just over the halfway mark in my 30 day dating detox. 

One of the awesomely unexpected side effects to this detox has been this MASSIVE influx of business. I guess it makes sense if you think about it ... instead of striking out with so many dudes, I'm focusing on self, and my strengths in business which makes me more motivated and a happier person in general. 

(I'm still in Florida and my mom told me this morning that she couldn't believe how happy I've been overall and that she says my energy is really different.) 

Super fascinating, btw, I've also been doing a bunch of research on ENTJ personality types (which I was told I was after taking the myers briggs), and it TOTALLY freaked me out reading in black and white some of my biggest issues: 

It's not something that I'm proud to admit that I do, but I feel like a big part of me lives life one step removed; everything, to me, is a game of chess. I look at people and things and contemplate their next moves, and expected trajectories. I view it as strategic, but I'm sure it's also a defense mechanism in wanting to control after spending so much of my youth getting hurt by people I trusted.

This is also why I was so passionate about this new "feather" mentality because strategizing only works in business; I can't can't can't let it seep into my personal life so much since it's counterproductive and making me seem like this cold beyotch to all these dudes I've dated. 

Anyway ... 

On that note, I'd like to introduce you all to a loverly new app called MessageMe! 

I'm going to be talking about it for the next, however long, and showing all of you loverly people how awesome it is by cleverly seeping it into some of my stories and adventures. 

See, that's the ENTJ in me again getting all arrogant with thinking I be clever. 

Either way, I'm super excited to be working with these dudes and I've been using their app now for over a month and very honestly can't say a bad thing about it. It adds value to messaging by leveraging the cloud. Dudes, messages from MessageMe NEVER get erased (as long as you still have your account), AND the messages are searchable!!! 

Devils advocate: That sounds pretty scary! What about privacy? 

All messages on MessageMe are secure and private. 

I'll talk more about it as we get closer to the launch, but I'm very thankful for the sponsorship and even MORE stoked to talk to people about something that excites me so freaking much!! 

I swear man, self first, rest later. This dating detox is really starting to pay off. 

Oh yeah and ... 

click the screenshot to comment on Facebook

Fun with #OKCupid: Oh, sweet sweet irony

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jason. We're buds in social media and he too is a lover of online dating. He just had a rather "inneresting"  experience this past weekend. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JASON!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jason King

A few weeks ago I (32m) found a girl on OKC (21-25f) that lives in St. Louis a few blocks from where I work, and we hit it off. After the 2nd night of chatting, we met up at a bar after work, and basically talked for 3 hours and got kinda drunk together. Nothing happens that night, but we start texting each other more and more, and a few days later (last friday night) she ends up driving to my house (about 30 minute drive) to hang out. She doesn't at all seem like the type to randomly sleep with a guy, and I liked her enough not to push the issue, but after my friends left (i was having a small house party) we ended up on the couch kissing. After about 20 minutes (it was about 3am) of a good makeout session, she basically says she wants to 'continue this' some other time, and that she needed to get home because it was so late. Understandable.

Catch is, we were already planning on spending the next day in the city together, and I basically had to wait for her to get off work around 2pm, go pick her up, etc. And she said that if she didn't get up early enough, she'd have to work later (it's a work program at the university she goes to) and that'd just postpone us hooking up.

So come 1pm, she says she's going to have to stay later, until about 3pm. Doesn't text.. Come 4pm, she says they had a bit of a drama at work, and she has to stay with a patient until a doctor shows up and it could be hours.

Fast forward to 9pm, she finally texts me and said she just got out of there, but she's so exhausted she wanted to take a rain check. BUT then goes on to say 'fyi, my ex has been texting and calling a lot and before I met you we were talking about getting back together. If we're out and I get weird texts I just wanted to let you know what's going on because now that I met you, I'm having 2nd thoughts about getting back with him".

So, just a few weeks before we talked, I basically said goodbye to a girl I really liked. We dated for a few months (found each other on OKC too) and ended up knowing a lot of the same people. It was a pretty nice situation. We really liked each other. Sex was Fantastic! But she got a job halfway across the country where she applied at school and she had set all this up before we met. I basically told her I would miss her but I really didn't have the wherewithal to do a LDR at this point. We say our good byes, and twice now she's driven back here for the weekend.

Honestly, I think she's feeling regretful for moving because even though I've told her I didn't want to keep trying she knows I didn't want her to leave and only broke things off because she moved. (she's not moving back any time soon).

So, here I am with new girl, things are going good. We go out on another date 2 nights ago. I picked her up outside her apartment, we went to a local bar she wanted to go to, and we basically sat and talked for a few hours (repeat of the first night). As the night was ending, we agreed to see each other again Friday and as I was pulling up to her apartment and she was getting ready to get out, she leaned over, ON HER OWN, and kissed me. Not just on the cheek, but pulled me in and gave me about a 10 second makeout kiss and then hopped out saying 'see you friday' with a grin.

Thursday is her busy day at school, so she's said thursdays are generally out of the question, but last week she still texted me quote a bit. Last evening (the following thursday) we had sent a few texts and she even said she was looking forward for tonight. Then, for the rest of evening... nothing. Like from 8pm on. I had sent a text warning about ice on the ground (i saw a few people slip and fall already) and no replies.. nothing, UNTIL 1am when she texts me

"So, my ex decided that he's going to drive into town, and he's going to stay for the weekend. I don't think we can hang out tomorrow."

WTF? First, I'm half asleep and this shit woke me up. Second, WTF? My ex had literally said she wanted to drive into town this weekend to see me, and I SAID NO. I didn't say why, just that I was too busy and it'd be a waste of her time, but she basically called BS and now thinks it's because somebody else is in the picture. Third, WTF?

My only response to her text was 'for real?' and she replied 'Yea I didn't know he was planning this until now'.

I haven't replied back. I don't know IF I will even reply. It's like, I halfway appreciate the honesty, but I really don't appreciate being canceled on, and I most certainly don't appreciate being canceled on 'because of some other dude'. My excitement to see her tonight is replaced with jealousy and bad thoughts about her hooking up with another guy.

The only thing I can think to text her right now is something questioning her judgement and integrity, so I'm just biting my lip and not saying anything. I like this girl, a lot and I'm feeling uncomfortably jealous right now. I signed up for OkCupid to find a girl that I'd be jealous if she was with another guy. That's expected. I just didn't want to actually feel jealous. I'm not a jealous person and I don't like being made to feel jealous.

/rant. Back to work I guess.

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick (the overly attached non-girlfriend)

It is my goal for 2013 to take a lot of my weird and wonky experiences as a lifecaster and help nerdy peeps out by providing a frank (not shirley) and honest answer to some weird and potentially random questions you may have about life. 

Here is a question I got on Facebook the other day ... 

Wait, hold the phone. You brought a chick two dozen red long stem roses? This was your FIRST date? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?!?! Did you know roses have meaning based on their colors? (Most chicks know this FYI) ... 

Red

Red roses are the traditional symbol for love and romance, and a time-honored way to say "I love you." The red rose has long symbolized beauty and perfection. A bouquet of red roses is the perfect way to express your deep feelings for someone special. Read More – Meaning of Red Roses

Pink

As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts. Read More – Meaning of Pink Roses

Yellow

The bright, sunny color of yellow roses evokes a feeling of warmth and happiness. The warm feelings associated with the yellow rose are often akin to those shared with a true friend. As such, the yellow rose is an ideal symbol for joy and friendship. Read More – Meaning of Yellow Roses

White

White roses represent innocence and purity and are traditionally associated with marriages and new beginnings. The white rose is also a symbol of honor and reverence, and white rose arrangements are often used as an expression of remembrance. Read More – Meaning of Orange Roses

Orange

With their blazing energy, orange roses are the embodiment of desire and enthusiasm. Orange roses often symbolize passion and excitement and are an expression of fervent romance. A bouquet of orange roses will send a meaningful message. Read More – Meaning of Orange Roses

Lavender

The unique beauty of the lavender rose has captured many hearts and imaginations. With their fantastical appearance, lavender roses are a perfect symbol of enchantment. The lavender rose is also traditionally used to express feelings of love at first sight. Read More – Meaning of Lavender Roses

First mistake was right there. Under NO circumstances should you EVER give a chick red roses on a first date. It comes on WAY too strong and is something you give once you are in a committed relationship. Period end of sentence. 

<tangent> This goes for gifts in general, btw. Remember the time I got a David Yurman necklace and two dozen white roses? Creeped me the freakedy freak freak OUT!!!! </tangent>

Also, you introduced her to your brother? If I'm on a first date and see a friend I MIIIGGHHTT go over and say hey, but family? OH HECK NO!!! Family doesn't get to meet ANYONE you are dating until it is getting on the "serious" side. 

You then kissed, held hands, and hugged????!!!! First date?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! 

Now, after all of this, you're pissed that she wants to spend more time with you and have sex already?!?!? Could you have sent her ANY MORE mixed signals? You made this bed, now you have to lie in it. 

Alrite, some advice ... 

1) If you're just looking to hook up with chicks take them out to a bar, buy them a couple of drinks and keep it casual. When you have "grand gestured" dates like this you're setting a false impression in a girl's mind. If either party is looking to just hook up you just arrange to meet at a bar and see if there is chemistry. You have to follow the k.i.s.s. mentality in that regard of "keep it simple stupid." Anything above and beyond is going to set a false expectation in the girl's mind and no doubt you're going to end up hurting her. 

2) No flowers, no gifts, NOTHING in initial courtship. Give it at least 3 dates before you start down that path. Again, you're just getting to know each other at that point and gifts can send the wrong message, or in my case, can offend someone. 

3) Do NOT get the family involved until you understand how you feel about the girl. Having a girl meet your family (even in a super casual way) is going to cause great confusion. Bringing in the friends and family is a cue of emotional investment. Until you understand your feelings for this person it sets, again, a false expectation. 

4) Figure out what you want. I give dudes that come straight and say they just wanna hook up a lot of credit on dating sites. I am personally way past that stage in my life now, but I'll always write back giving props at the honesty. You never know what stage a woman is going to be at in her life, but by you stating your intentions in a clear manner it won't set the false expectations you are currently showcasing for these women.

Figure out what you want, articulate it in your first few messages to these women, and again keep it simple stupid. Quit with the over the top dates until you find one that you really like. 

Thanks for reading hope this helps!! xoxo

Got a question? Drop me an email! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com

ORRRRR you can message me on Facebook and if it's within 140 characters on the twitter!

Best of luck out there nerds!!

xoxo <3 @JenFriel

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Chicago #2)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

I figure it’s almost my civic duty to have multiple dates when Megan and I sleep on the same floor twice in a row, so as we spent two nights in Chicago, I went out with two wildly different dudes. Read about date one with Danny, here, or skip right ahead to my second first date in Chicago with Tadd.

I probably spend way too much time thinking about the theories of dating these days. To be fair, everyone single and not super stoked on staying that way forever and ever probably over-ponders how to hook up and how to stay hooked. But lately I’ve been wondering which works better on a first date: something low key and easy to escape from or something wild and adrenaline-inducing.

For my second date in Chicago, I went with option two. My personal Adventure Consultants, ZOZI, had a “Fly a Plane” experience for sale in the area. A few clicks, one phone call and one text later, Tadd jovially agreed to take off in a Cessna airplane with me.

Interestingly, our first daring stunt of the morning wasn’t our AM, small-plane flight. Rather it was getting Tadd into our empty-tank-light-on Huckleberry Fit and then barreling down the freeway in order to make our reservation on time. Thank God for the fact that neither Tadd nor Megan nor I were psychos. Or worse … not morning people.

Maybe Tadd would add his own daring stunt to the drive–being the moral support to a complete stranger (me) who absolutely hates flying and just might cry on the plane. Which I didn’t mention until we were cruising the freeway.

When we finally arrived, we were greeted by a dog and a friendly office clerk. Then, we were ushered to the Cessna, handed ginormous headphones and buckled in. I began hyperventilating, but attempted to look absolutely nonplussed (mostly by keeping my sunglasses firmly planted on my face so neither the pilot nor Tadd could get a good read on me. So sneaky). And then we were taxiing. And then lifting off.

I had my eyes closed, so my only sense of the first ten minutes of the flight came from Tadd’s joyful remarks and conversation with Steve, the pilot. “Look, there’s the romantic rock quarry!” and “Wow. Just. Wow,” and “Oh, there’s the Chicago skyline,” and “Huh, I wonder who’s flying the plane?”

At that last one I jerked my eyes open and saw Steve had removed his hands from the controls. Laughing, he urged me to grab onto mine. Timidly I reached out, grabbing the helm with as much enthusiasm as a great-aunt takes hold of a Texas Longhorn bull’s horns.

And with that, I was flying. Mostly straight. Sometimes a bit to the right. Once to the left in a large loop over Lake Michigan. And finally, I yelled “CLOUD! CLOUD!” and pulled my hands off the controls looking panicked at Steve, who very kindly navigated us through the white fluffy monster of doom.

Back on land, high-fives and thank-yous were exchanged. Did I feel closer to Tadd because of our wild experience? You bet your sweet elbows I did. I even extended the date and invited him to brunch. After a lingering brunch at an Italian cafe (think every stereotype of Italy prominently spewed onto the walls, flooring, lighting fixtures, and yes, even in the bathroom sink), we piled into Huckleberry Fit for what I assumed would be a quick trip back into town.

Well, contrary to this Californian’s belief, rush hour in Chicago starts at 1:00pm sharp and might never actually end. Stop-and-go it was for the better part of 75 minutes. With Megan rolling the cameras from the backseat, Tadd and I had two choices: NPR or an unprecedented span of talking. We chose the latter — or perhaps the latter chose us. Regardless, with Ira Plato’s voice in the background, we hit topics that can only be described as intimate — disclosing the sort of information you typically only tell someone close to you. Someone you trust.

Admitting stories about past significant relationships, why they didn’t work, what we missed about those people and how we coped. Talking about what makes us anxious, how phobias can grow on you when you’re not expecting them, and what life is like on the other side of fear.

First dates aren’t always home to empty shells of conversation, containing no substance besides a wayward granule of sand. Rather, first dates can be a secure space for revealing difference facets of yourself without fear of another person expecting you to be one way or another. You can tell anything to a stranger and while it may be shocking, it will not be shocking that you have said it. A stranger — aka a first date — doesn’t know anything about the you persona you’ve been perfecting your entire life. To a first date, you are able to be anything. In return, they are able to respond in any way. And together, you create a space where anything is possible. Even sharing vulnerabilities and looking for acceptance. Which, when you think about it, is kind of wonderful.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.