<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello
It's funny - ask me to fill out a dating profile all about me and I can stitch together charmingly witty wordplay that has reasonably good luck luring boys I want to date to me. But ask me to write a short article introducing myself to strangers who are merely going to read my dating adventures and Bam! I've got nothing.
I've been an avid on-line dater since 2007, when a friend convinced me to sign up for a site. Okay, perhaps I wasn't avid at first. Honestly, it scared the bejesus out of me to tack up a photo, description, and admit that yes, I was single. Worse yet, people started contacting me and asking me out. As a serial monogamist up until that time who had never attempted to actually date, it felt like a meat market.
But I've grown up, and online dating reminds me more of a produce stand than a meat market, and as a vegetarian, I'm pretty close to seventh heaven. I've definitely upped the ranks, now considering myself at JV dating status, and am actively aiming to earn my Varsity letter by the end of the 2012. How? Well, I'm currently on a road trip across the country, going on a first date in every state.
In the past five years I've run the gamut of Facebook relationship status updates, from single to in a relationship, and while I never told anyone via social media I've certainly been in the "it's complicated" situation plenty. But I've had wise friends (and Dan Savage) offering me ideas on how to succeed, and I've had a plethora of experience to feel comfortable offering my own thoughts on the dating scene. And as my friends will tell you, I'm maybe too comfortable to tell people how to manage their online dating and how to have successful first dates.
So why am I single? Mostly by choice so I could explore America's dating scene. Partly because the last guy I was dating broke up with me. And a little bit because well, I think there's a lot to be said for using first dates to learn about myself and get a good perspective on the studs and spuds of my past.
Thanks for reading - it's going to be an epic adventure!
Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
My personal journey has led me to a point where my search for validation and self-worth are, at the moment, paramount. Both came to a header this week, one as a test that I think I passed, and one as a straight kick in the nuts. They both fucking hurt, a lot.
I never knew why until recently, but I’ve doted on a specific type of individual for my whole life. I’ve always gravitated towards super independent people who are successfully walking the unbeaten path and leading others along the way. Jen is one, my business partner is another, and my last two exes were like this in their own way, but my parents couldn’t be more the opposite. My parents wanted a cookie cutter path for me, I was to become a lawyer, or a banker, or some other nuclear career. I dropped out of college precisely because of this, I had no fucking idea what I was going to do, but I felt like I was digging my grave by continuing through the collegiate system. The same year I dropped out of college a friend of mine dropped out at the same time.
He is my quintessential idol. His life and childhood is what I aspire to and envy, respectively. His parents were supportive and had adequate resources to foster his creative success. When he dropped out, he spent a year building a portfolio that matriculated him into one of the best art schools in the world. In the midst of a demanding graphic design career, he manages to fuck-off and travel regularly. When he left on a trip to Japan he landed a job with one of the biggest creative agencies in the world and still lives in Tokyo. Seemingly, everything he touches turns to gold. I’ve looked up to him, idolized him, and he’s been a source of inspiration for the last ten years I’ve known him.
This week he flew to LA without much notice. I sent him a message asking him what his plans were, then I commented on a Facebook post asking him again. I sat there and waited... then waited some more, soon pictures of him hanging with other people surfaced and still nothing. I started acting like a teenager with a crush, stalking his Facebook wondering why he couldn’t be bothered to respond and why I was so worthless to him. Then something hit me, why did I care so much? Why was his response of such a greater worth to me than so many others? The answer... VALIDATION. In my mind, when we met for drinks and he told me about his newest accomplishments I would finally have something to tout. I would talk about my success as an entrepreneur, my success as a writer, and the personal growth I’ve experienced through social dynamics. Maybe, just maybe, I would win his seal of approval and that would be my ultimate validation.
So yeah, I get it. I gravitate to this specific type of person because it’s the person that I want to be. But that person doesn’t look for validation from others, that person leads others with self-relying assertiveness. So fuck it, I have plenty of amazing people around me and I don’t NEED him in my life, I WANT him in my life but there’s a big difference between need and want, and it starts with reciprocation. Since that’s not there I need to move-the-fuck-on. Nuff said about my swollen invalidated man-sack, now for the test of self-worth.
In a recent post I talked about a job that I applied for with Dr. Susan Block, a sexoligist, sex therapist, lifestyle hedonist, and Yalie. She needed a writer and I wanted the job. I submitted some of my writing along with an essay and I was in. This was such an amazing compliment. I’ve never considered myself a writer and to receive this job purely on merit from an ivy-league graduate meant so much to me. With that being said, I was not about to burn my bridge with the hostel where I was, and-*spoiler alert*-still am working. Should all else fail, the hostel could always provide a bed, shower and two meals a day. So I gave my two weeks, spoke with Dr. Suzy, and everything seemed dandy.
For the next couple Saturdays I attended her live show and watched some of the most depraved sexual acts, some of which I’d never even contemplated, took notes and submitted material for her blog.
It. Was. Awesome.
What satisfies us spiritually is singularly unique and for me it’s pushing myself beyond my comfort level, especially when dealing with societal and cultural norms. I seriously could not have been more excited.
Four days prior to my official start day I received an email asking me to start early. The only way for me to accomplish this would have been to work conjunctionally with the hostel and my business. I would have literally not slept at all, especially when you factor in the hour-and-a-half bus commute that would have been required daily. I diplomatically expressed this via email, and the next day received an unempathetic phone call from Dr. Suzy’s husband who presented me with an ultimatum. Either come in, or lose the job. His reasoning was that he would have to train me himself and he was unwilling to do so. My basic human needs of sleep and sanity came second to his precious time, and our previously agreed upon schedule was meaningless. Only a few months ago I may have acquiesced, but it was time to set a new precedence that my happiness and health comes first, and it will not be put at the wayside for others, especially for those who value it so little. So I wrote back, offered solutions that did not compromise my health and stayed true to the commitments I had made to myself, the hostel, The Institute and my business. They were insufficient and he was setting precedence himself. His way or the highway. I chose happiness and health, I chose the highway.
All in all, the choices and confrontations I experienced this week were extremely difficult to bear but I feel stronger because of them. If you’re going through something similar I’d love to hear from you, and as always, your social dynamics questions will be received and responded to with love. L’chaim friends. Thanks for reading.
That was of course, until a recent meeting with a potential new slave.
I not only heard things that were so ... out there ... but I genuinely wondered if this dude went through with his plans if I could even be tied to anything. After 3 years of leading this lifestyle I had ABSOLUTELY found my limit.
This is some SERIOUSLY fucked up shit, man.
Alrite ... gather round ...
So, obvi, I'm a domme. You can read more about how I got into it over yonder, but I'm still a n00b and enjoy it not for sexual reasons but for the power it has given me in business. In domination, the shy people pleaser is stripped and exchanged with this ... presence. It started off as dissociative but now that I've been doing it for a few months it has seeped in pretty heavily into my life.
I'm a great, great domme.
Either way, I got an email from this dude asking if I had ever considered financial domination.
Financial domination? What's that? I wondered.
After a quick google search, I had my answer.
Financial Domination is when people, usually slaves and submissive men, pay or tribute money to a Dominant Female. This fetish is brought on by the need to be controlled in any and every way possible. True financial domination means that the slave tributes money of his own volition without expecting anything in return. Often, the Mistress humiliates the slave verbally while he tributes Her. Many financial slaves tribute on a weekly or daily basis, as well as buy their Mistresses gifts whenever told to or whenever they feel it necessary. Often a financial slave will take it upon himself to adopt a Mistress' bill which he will pay faithfully every month for Her.
The financial slave desires for his Goddess or Mistress to live like a Princess or a Queen while he himself is often forced to make financial sacrifices. The financial slaves truly see their Mistresses as Princesses or Goddesses and worship them thus.
Sometimes financial domination is coupled with a blackmail fetish. The blackmail fetish (My personal favorite as a femdom Mistress!) brings the slave deeper into his submission by forcing him to obey and tribute his Mistress or bare the consequences of his blackmail information and/or pictures being posted by Her. Often there is a blackmail contract involved since blackmail is a potential legal hazard for the Mistress unless all bases are covered.
Now, I'm a foot fetish queen. Dudes that come to me are interested in being objectified and humiliated with a side helping of sadism.
This was new, but maybe something I could be into.
Alrite, I replied back. Let's meet.
I then arranged our first meeting to be at one of my favorite bars, in broad daylight, on a very busy Saturday.
When I arrived I saw him sitting at the bar (he had texted me telling me what he was wearing). I approached.
Hello, I say greeting him with a hug.
Hello, he says barely able to look me in the eyes.
He's going to be a good sub, I thought.
Let's go in the back, I said. We're going to need privacy.
We then sat in a booth and I asked him to tell me more about himself and what he was into.
I'm a financial advisor, he admitted.
Ironic, I thought.
Tell me more ...
I had a domme up until recently but sadly she is now pregnant and engaged.
We then ordered a round of beers.
What did she do?
I was really into having her use me as she got ready for dates. I would take her shopping, off to get her hair done, and buy her things specifically for her to use them on other men.
Like lingerie? I pressed.
Yes, he said.
His eyes then went to my body.
Have you ever dated a slave, he asked? No, I said. I would never date a slave. Why? Because you're not worthy. You're not even human, you're a slave. I have zero emotional attachment to you - I say 5% believing it myself.
He smiles as he continues to sip his beer.
You are much prettier than your pictures, he admits.
Thank you, I said. Back to you, I say controlling the conversation.
ARRRRRGHHHHHHH THIS STORY TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT!! I CAN BARELY EVEN WRITE THIS!!! Breathe Friel, Breathe.
He then chugs the rest of his beer and orders another one.
I stare at the slave causing a break in the conversation.
He's in his early 40s. Sandy brown hair. Wearing a black shirt and jeans.
This could be any "Joe, Tom, Dick, or Harry." This is the guy that goes to church and attends PTA meetings regularily.
Now, I'm a drinker - but this dude? holy shit. I've never seen anything like it.
We then continue talking about dating and my lifestyle in general.
I date a lot, I admitted. It's my job to get out there and meet new people.
He smiled.
How far are you willing to take this, he says as he leans in chugging YET ANOTHER beer.
Speak slave, I order raising my eyebrow.
I had an arrangement with my last domme where she would be the beneficiary on my life insurance policy. My company automatically gives us a 1 million dollar insurance policy.
She would then instruct me to do "risky" things.
Like skydiving? I ask.
That's too regulated, he said. I'm talking more about going swimming in a shark den off of Catalina. The best part is, is that I can't swim.
His body visibly quivered with excitement.
This fucker wants me to kill him, I thought. You have GOT to be kidding me. Wondering how far he was going to take this I slipped into my improv shoes and decided to say "yes and" to everything that came out of his mouth.
We were just getting to that point with my last domme when she got pregnant. I really want to explore this.
How did you first hear about this, I asked innocently?
There used to be a pretty big group on Yahoo! and we would all post the risky things our dommes would ask us to do. I hadn't found someone who was into it though until recently.
Do you think this is too far?
I stare back at him and realize we are WAAAYYY past the point of no return.
No it doesn't freak me out, I said. You're just lucky I've given you this much of my time in general. I want you to tell me more and get to the fucking point, I commanded.
He shook again with excitement.
I have a condo in Venice, I'd also put that in your name.
Damn right, you will I said playing along.
And what about other properties? You make enough money to have multiple houses.
He smiles.
Scottsdale. A house. Yours.
Good boy, that pleases me.
I also want to get another insurance policy. 250K. Yours.
Good boy, I say.
You can only collect once though, he instructed.
I look him dead in the eye, and realize this guy is legitimately serious. He really, really wants me to kill him.
He then catches himself.
Is this going too fast, he wondered chugging YET ANOTHER beer?
What is fast, I said getting all Yoda.
He then started to do the math in his head.
How long will this take? he asked.
Do you think I'll be alive next year?
I stare back blankly.
Next month?
Improv Friel, Improv. Play the part. Find out more about this guy's fetish.
You'll live for as long as I let you, I say. Have you ever known someone who has "collected?"
I finally ordered my second beer. At this point he was on about his 5th. Mind you, we had only been there for about a half an hour. I have NO idea why the waitress even kept serving him.
Yes, he said. My last domme's sister. She collected on her slave and now she is also married with kids.
OMG, I think.
Now, I'm a mama hen. I'm extremely pack oriented and a lioness. That makes me a natural protecter. The THOOOOUUUGHHHHHTTTTTT of being involved with something like this IMMEDIATELY sent shivers up my spine.
I'm in too deep, I thought. Eject, Friel. EJECT!!!!
I need to use the restroom, I say.
Here, he says handing over his glass. Fill it.
Fill it? I ask.
Use this cup.
HOLY SHIT, I thought. HE WANTS ME TO PEE IN THIS THING!!!!
Oh HELLLLL NOOOOOOOO CHILLLLDDDDD.
I'm really good, I say handing the cup back to him. And I'm just going to go. I can't be involved with something like this I admitted.
I could audibly hear his heart break as his face flushed.
I think you're great, and I'm sure going to make a domme super happy, but we're not into the same things.
I placed my hand on his shoulder and wished him well as I was walking away.
What is well in this scenario, I thought? Happy dying?
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He's a youngin living in the great big apple in the hopes of becoming his dream, a theater director. Will he make it? Won't he? What problems and struggles will he deal with along the way. I have no idea ... so that's why he's here. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Friedman
I’ve now officially survived a hurricane.
It’s almost new to me, I did get hit with Irene back in 2011, but relatively speaking what Irene did to my city was nothing compared to what Sandy did last week. Personally, I got very lucky in this regard, what happened to me and my neighborhood was very lucky compared to the rest of this city. I never lost power, only the lights flickering throughout the day on Tuesday. I’m very stunned I never lost power considering just how large this storm actually was. There was also a lot of preparation that ended up never being used 100% but was still warranted, a lot of canned food and actually buying water by the gallon containers, which I’ve never done before. This preparation still was helpful as the grocery stores were low stocked for quite some time and still probably don’t have their full supplies back even today. So while I never got the worst of it personally, the idea that something this powerful could have affected me for a long period of time rung in my head for quite some time. I ended up checking out my neighborhood a couple of days after Sandy hit and passed through, and what I noticed around my neighborhood is that a lot of smaller items got damaged. What I mainly noticed with Irene was one big tree near my street and not much else. With Sandy, at least 4 or 5 signs got damaged or destroyed, several large tree branches down, and 3 or 4 smaller trees affected, including one downed tree blocking the road and one that basically had its entire top ripped off.
What really sunk in for me is how much New York City actually got hit by this. When I first heard that everything in Manhattan below 39th lost power, it blew my mind. While the news I found covered it well, I think what the news didn’t fully show is how large the area below 39th in Manhattan actually is. So many different neighborhoods and people are in that area, and so to hear that everywhere that far lost power was something that I didn’t think could ever happen to that much of an extent. And it wasn’t just there, the people that I knew losing power in Brooklyn, Queens, and Jersey emphasized just how large this storm actually was. And that was before I knew at least two friends of mine had to leave their homes because of this storm. Not a good feeling to know that your friends are going through that. It’s not as if it’s over either. I’m right near where there is actually a gas rationing going on, only letting people getting gas every other day depending on their license plates. I haven’t heard of anything similar happening since times of war in the U.S., and I’m only miles away from where this is happening. Here in New York, as of Friday, there were still lines a couple of blocks long to try to get a shuttle bus to go the same places as their subways could. Luckily the subways are starting to come back, but I’m honestly not expecting a full service return for quite some time. Schools were closed here for a week, which I never saw even the worst of blizzards cancel in both school and college for me. It in a way made my cancelled rehearsals the least of my problems for awhile, figuring out safety of others and when I could safely leave the apartment again took priority.
I’m moving forward with rehearsals now thankfully, and I’ve had a very good few couple of rehearsals with this cast and crew. These people I’m working with have a lot of talent and drive, which I think is going to make the entire process worthwhile. Post-hurricane times should be very good times for me. But it’s something to think about for sure as I travel throughout my city for my work. Looking forward to blogging about theatre minus the hurricane soon.
I don't know how my liver survived that trip, but I am grateful.
So much is going on right now, it's kinda nuts. First up, this afternoon I am going to be dominating a new slave all while writing a piece for Suicide Girls on how being a domme helps me as an entrepreneur.
It's not JUST that I make my slaves wear the hanibal mask ....
... but it's that when they do, I make them sniff the leather first.
That smell then places them in this submissive role which will then allow me to push them further.
I remember being blindfolded and COMPLETELY freaking out when my buddy stomped his boot all around my head as I was laying on the ground. That anticipation and fear took me to this level psychologically that was really fucking hot.
I can't begin to tell you how much of this experience in the last few months has helped me running my own business. Anytime I am negotiating a deal, or going back and forth with someone on something I will literally put on my domme shoes and walk around the apartment in them as I am on the phone. Obvi, no one knows, but I do and I IMMEDIATELY go into that place where there are only two rules:
1) My slaves do everything I tell them.
2) They call me Mistress Jennifer.
So. Fucking. Amazing. and so excited to write this piece in just a few minutes.
On another note ... I COMPLETELY accidentally started dating this actor.
We were obvi still texting at that time, but I was kinda meh. I was just overwhelmed to begin with and honestly starting to question everything I was doing with dating.
We then kicked it again this past weekend and while at one of my favorite bars all these people kept coming up to him.
He's a SUPER humble dude, so anytime he told me about what he did it was more from the writing perspective.
I finally just got semi-pissed and was like, who are you?
I'm on a TV show, he admitted.
(He then told me what network and the name.)
I had heard of it obvi, but I'm not their demographic.
It was so weird. I'm SUPER into pop culture so for me to not know off hand who this dude was just made me laugh. Only in fucking LA, man!!!
Either way, we have another date tonight. Really chill dude. It's hilarious too when I tell him some of my stories he always asks, have you written about that yet?
I then glare at him thinking, I TOTALLY get it when people say they hate dating writers or producers in general as real life experiences so often become story lines. I'm DVRing his show just incase.
Anywho, also have LOADS of traveling coming up. I'll be back in SF for a date from Saturday til Monday. Followed by being in Santa Monica all next week (I'll be living out of the Casa Del Mar with a buddy of mine). Followed by a trip to my 10 year reunion back in CT on Thanksgiving and on the way back I'll be in CO to go skiing. THHHEENNNNNN, I'll be in Florida for my birthday and DC for Christmas. Pretty much once a week til the end of the year I'll be traveling out and about having adventures. Since traveling is on my bliss list this pleases me tremendously.
Anyway, my slave is about to get here and I still have to finish getting ready and "in the mood."
There is something oddly strange about objectifying and humiliating men. They fucking LOVE it, and to see someone in such a vulnerable and raw state is so spectacular.
I'll let you all know when the suicide girls post goes live. This one is going to be juicy!!! =)
Friday, November 9, 2012 at 11:30AM
It's funny - ask me to fill out a dating profile all about me and I can stitch together charmingly witty wordplay that has reasonably good luck luring boys I want to date to me. But ask me to write a short article introducing myself to strangers who are merely going to read my dating adventures and Bam! I've got nothing.
