<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
It is my goal for 2012 to take a lot of my weird and wonky experiences as a lifecaster and help nerdy peeps out by providing a frank (not shirley) and honest answer to some weird and potentially random questions you may have about life.
Here is a DM I got the other day ...
Dommes are born, not raised. I've always naturally been very submissive in bed, but that was mostly based on the men that I was attracted to. When I actually dominated for the first time it was this …. rush …. like I had never experienced before. It was this moment, and this understanding that my life from this point on was never going to be the same, and my relationship with men was going to be altered forever.
How did I start to get my info?
I lucked out on having a buddy who was into it who allowed me to explore with him in a safe space. I'd suggest at first, reaching out to some people you trust and and asking them if this was something they are interested in as well. My friend only told me about it because I broadcast my life online and he thought it would be something that I would want to explore. He was right, but again like with most things in life, it had to happen on my terms. People can't just "throw" you into this scene, there first has to be a natural curiosity.
So yeah, first reach out to your friends, and secondly (if you don't have anyone you trust or feel open enough to reach out to) - I'd start getting in some domme chat rooms. Sign up for FetLife (social network for fetishes), explore some chat rooms, I've even heard of many dommes finding subs on craigslist. It's definitely not easy finding people, but documenting it on the site certainly helps. Maybe I can help you with some of the superfluous slavery and offer them to come to you? Would you be willing to document your journey as well? I'm all ears.
Either way, thanks for reaching out, and rock on on your journey! Keep me posted along the way.
Got a question? Drop me an email! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello
Here’s a new way to meet someone: have a friend who is also on OkCupid recommend a guy she’s already been out with and connect with guy via said dating site. That’s exactly how I met Jon in Portland, Oregon. Our profiles said we were a 95% match, but percentages aside, I still would have wanted to date him. He wears glasses (I’m a sucker for spectacles and freckles), is well versed in the art of traveling and had a sense of whimsy in his summation of self.
Jon decided to plan the Portland date knowing only that I’m a bit adventurous and wanted to see his town through his lens. What developed was a game he titled Dateopoly.
To start, you’ll need a neighborhood stuffed with a variety of shops, cafes and little places of interest, and one half of a set of dice, also known as a die. You’ll also need a set of questions that you’ve either developed on your own, or perhaps from a game such as “Would You Rather” or “Loaded Questions.” We used a six-sided die, but feel free to go wild and grab something else, modifying as necessary.
Rules:
1. Each player takes a turn rolling the die. 2. After each roll, the number you’ve rolled dictates what happens next.
Roll a 1: Ask a question Roll a 2: Ask a question Roll a 3: Travel three businesses down and stop in Roll a 4: Travel four businesses down and stop in Roll a 5: Travel five businesses down and stop in Roll a 6: Travel six businesses down and stop in
3. Enjoy!
So away we rolled. The next four hours had us drinking coffee, taking silly photos in a fabric store, exploring a dilapidated garden, scenario dancing (okay, that was of our own accord), talking about our favorite childhood memories, sipping beer, stopping into the Portlandia infamous “Put a Bird On It” store, and yes, going into Shebop — the famous female-friendly sex store (I may or may not have squealed as I got to see a line of toys I’d only heard tale of before). Checking out a hipster-chic ‘hood and getting to know a guy? Sounds like a date for me.
Jon himself was a bit like the boys I have dated in the past. A lost pup of sorts who thought he was found. As we shared a few beers, an order of fried macaroni and cheese and an order of collard greens, I learned that he didn’t believe in using napkins (found them wasteful, but did not find washing his hands after eating instead wasteful), insisted upon holding doors open for me, and enjoyed genuinely being silly. He home brews, likes riding his bike naked, and volunteers a lot of his time.
Do I chalk this up to Oregon boys being a lot like Northern California boys? Perhaps. Or maybe I chalk this up to the sort of guy I tend to attract and agree to go out with. Which makes me think if I’m going to learn anything about myself on this trip, I need to start dating outside my box. And soon.
Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.
So, these past few days have been bananas. Not only did I hitchhike for the first time in my life, BUT I was asked to strip and instead as a cop out performed a lap dance. Did I mention this was on a first date in San Francisco?
Yep, that happened.
I don't even know the song that goes with this post. Something along the lines of "hey, apparently you're a hussy!!"
I'm not so sure about the trajectory of my life at this point. ::sigh::
Aight, I replied. (I wasn't actually that cool, but you get the idea.)
We then agreed to meet over at the Roosevelt and unfortunately she was super late.
NOOOO!!!! I thought. She's so rad, but I have a social dynamics workshop to teach at 7:30! (See, I've taken all of the experience I've had in dating and now have turned it into a workshop with @redolpho. Good, good shit! Two of our students are already in relationships after just the first workshop. I'm such a proud mama hen!!!)
Either way, we chatted for a bit plotting world domination but then I told her I had to jet.
I'm so sorry I said, but I gotta hop the bus to get back to my side of town. I have a workshop in just a few minutes.
Not a problem, she said. Let me walk you to your bus!
We then walk down to sunset and wait for the bus.
I pull up the schedule on Google maps but quickly realize I am going to be late.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, I said. I can't be late for my own workshop - that's SUPER lame-o.
I need to grab a cab, I said. I go to call one, but realize it would still take at least 15 minutes.
FUUUCCKKKKKKKK.
A limo then pulls up.
Let's grab this, she said. Don't mind if I put on a British accent but I have found that people were generally more accepting of it and willing to be helpful if they thought you were a foreigner.
I stare back at her.
Who the fuck is this chick!?!?
Excuse me, she says in a British accent.
The limo then drives off but pulls over at the next block.
Look, she said, he stopped!
We run over.
The driver gets out and unfortunately walks right past us and into In-N-Out.
NOOOO!!! We both lamented.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, I said. I HAVE to get a cab. Now this is no longer an option.
I then attempt to hail a cab (which is not only not that easy to do in LA, but little known fact, also illegal), but alas, none were in sight.
A truck with two men then pull up.
Their window is down.
Excuse me, says my new best friend in her fake british accent. Can we trouble you for a lift just to crescent heights? We're going to be late for something and can't seem to get a cab.
The men then look at each other, and look back at us.
Alrite, says the driver as the passenger then steps out.
Mind you this is AT A RED LIGHT with TRAFFIC on Sunset blvd on a Friday night.
Totally normal.
I stare back at my new friend thinking, WHHAAAATTT did I just get myself into!?!?
I climb into the back of the truck, my friend follows.
Thank you so so much, she says again in the fake accent.
Not a problem, the men say in unison.
Where are you guys headed? my friend asks.
Just up the road too, they say clearly not wanting to answer the question.
How do you guys know each other? I ask.
This is my son, the driver says.
Oh hello!!! I say introducing myself.
You're going to be a story on this girl's site, says Amber (new best friend). She's an internet celebrity!
I start laughing.
I have no idea what she is talking about, I say.
What's the site, they ask?
Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover I say with pride.
I'll have to check it out, says the son.
Here's my card, I say handing it to him.
The driver then pulls into the gas station on the corner of crescent heights and sunset (our destination).
Thank YOOOOUUUUU!!! I say with a big hug. I'm just up the street.
Let's take a picture, says Amber. She'll put it on her site.
So, we did ...
.... and I now have posted it ...
I then bid Amber goodbye and then RAANNNNNNNNNN up the hill in my Nike+ kicks.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, can't be late!!!
I finally make it EXACTLY at 7:30 and the students are already at my door.
You ready for some lives to change? I ask Eric (@redolpho) as we high five.
We then hosted the social dynamics workshop, and here is what one of our students said ...
I cried when I read that message.
To watch these guys in just TWO WORKSHOPS go from not being able to talk to women, to HAVE A BARTENDER WRITE HER NAME ON ONE OF THE STUDENTS HANDS was just ... OUT OF CONTROL.
Social dynamics isn't just about picking up chicks, it changes ALL of the aspects of your life. Business, friends, etc. Literally everything changes when you stop getting in your own way and start to appreciate who you are and understand and harness your own value.
I then woke up and grabbed brunch (my fav meal) with this guy I've been dating.
What are you up to the rest of the weekend, he asked?
I'm headed to San Francisco, I said.
When?
This afternoon!
Oh shit. Alright, what for?
A date, I said with a smile. (obvi he reads the site)
You're flying up to San Francisco for a date?
Yeah, I said non-chalantly. My second one this week!!
Nope. I said. I always ask for my own room, or my own space.
What's the benefit for them, he asked?
I might like them.
Haha, he said with a laugh and a smile. Right.
He calls me guarded all the time, and he's right - I am. But I'm also on my own little journey and if this is presented to me, who am I to turn it down? I always get a story out of it which keeps this site up and running. I'm not mad at it and I'm PAINFULLY optimistic that I might find someone someday.
You're going to end up chopped up in a box, he said.
No I'm not, I reassured. I spend my life studying and reading people. I know this guy is not only legit, he won't place a hand on me - watch, I said placing a bet.
Alrite, he said. As long as someone knows where you are ...
... I tweet everything, I said with a smile.
He then dropped me off at the airport (which was extremely, extremely kind of him) and with just a hug bid me farewell.
Smell ya later, I said and thanks again for everything!
He waved good bye as I went into the terminal and moments later boarded my plane.
I then arrived in SF an hour later and my date greeted me at the gate.
Hello, he said with a big hug.
Hello! I said putting my stuff in the trunk.
We then went for coffee (which was very much needed) and we discussed The Alchemist (my favorite book).
That was what attracted me to this dude in general. He's extremely spiritual, and philosophical. He's also obvi super fancy pants and a business dude, so figuring I could learn something this was all around just a win.
We then arrived at his house and this place. was. massive.
With three homes on the property it's not a "house" it's a fucking compound.
He had a guest house, pool house, and then the main living quarters.
My mom is coming next week to help me decorate and clear out the clutter, he explained.
This place is NUTS! I say while I am on the guided tour.
And here is where you will be, opening up the door to the guest house.
Thank you, I say placing my bag on the ground.
I then washed up as he went back into the main house and an hour later we met for dinner.
Where are we going? I asked in the kitchen.
Supper club. Have you been?
Nope, I said. I know there is one in LA but it smells too douchey for my taste.
Great, he said. You're just the right kind of person to take to a place like this.
Unsure what that meant I just smiled and nodded.
We then arrive at Supper club and are seated on a bed with half naked female dancers contorting their limber bodies in front of us.
Yep, this is what he meant, I thought.
<tangent> Let me just put this out there, this shit on a first date does nothing for me. (and neither do strip clubs) Just because I am sexually speaking extremely, extremely open minded doesn't necessarily mean that this is an ideal first date for me. I dig good conversation - wherever that can occur or manifest is totally kosher for passover. Just conversation, that's my only requirement. </tangent>
A massage therapist then approaches us.
Woah, he says literally snapping fingers in front of his face.
Who are you? You glow!
I start laughing.
Thank you, I reply. I'm Jen, I say out stretching my hand and introducing my date.
Hello, he replies back.
What do you do, Jen?
I run a website, I say.
Wow, he said. You are alive, you can see it when someone looks at you. Congrats on being alive and many blessings on everything it is that you do.
Thank you, I say with a solid laugh at being "congratulated at being alive." That's a first, I thought.
Let me know if you guys want a massage, he says. I'll be around all evening.
Thank you! We both say in unison as he walks away.
My date then schooches closer to me.
A man shouldn't ever approach another man's woman like that. That's not how we do it on the east coast.
I SHOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT a look at him, thinking is he for real? I say over and over that I'm a people magnet. This is my universal constant - people will ALWAYS randomly start talking to me. For this dude to want "property" immediately the date could have ended.
This is ABSOLUTELY NEVER going to work out, I thought. He can't handle it.
Which, btw, to his credit he sort of admitted immediately before the date. We had been talking on the phone, and he told me that I am the kind of girl that would break his heart so he'd rather be cautious and just say no.
I got SO frustrated because that was the reason Antonio wouldn't date me either. You need to be you, he kept saying. You're very good at it and I can't hold you back.
Wow, I said to myself, I need to listen to the men that say things like that. It becomes a constant that someone in this dynamic just isn't going to click. It's not even his fault, he just has certain expectations, and I have certain constants. We both need to speak our truths and there is no backing down in life.
We're never going to date, I said to myself in that moment.
The show was then continuing, and the MC asked for volunteers.
4 people immediately popped up. I remained seated.
Two more, she said.
No one moved.
TWO MORE, she screamed. Who wants a free bottle of champagne?!?!
You had me at champagne, I thought.
I then BOLTED out of my seat and up to the main stage.
Are you guys ready to work for this bottle? She asked.
Oh shit, I thought. What did I just get myself into.
The bartender behind us then offers shots.
I can handle this, I thought. Need to stay sober to keep my cool and strategise.
If you want this bottle, the MC instructed, you are going to have to STRIP.
I stare back and think oh HELLLLLL no child.
One, out of respect for my date. It's not kosher for the first place for him to see your hoo-hahs is in front of a massively large club like this. Secondly, it's just genuinely not my scene. I've gone half naked swimming in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion once, but genuinely outside of that becoming the center of attention based on your sexuality has never been my style.
The first guy goes up and starts stripping.
No, No, NO!!! I thought. I'm about to walk out.
The next girl then goes up, and doesn't strip but dances extremely suggestively on the floor.
Alrite, I thought, this is getting better.
It is then my turn.
I stare out at the chairs a few feet away and think - you're mine.
I grab a chair placing it on the floor.
I then grab the collar of the first dude, and say, I need you.
I then sit him in the chair and suggestively strip off my red wolf spirithood booty shaking in his face.
I'm really sorry, I say as I turn back around.
He starts laughing. It's very much okay.
The dance is then over and I try to see my date.
This is a first, I thought. I've never given ANOTHER guy a lap dance on a first date before.
I then went back to the table and my date was pretty cool with it. You could tell in general that he was nervous, and at that point I KNEW we could never date so I kept asking him a series of questions to negate any of the potential awkwardness.
We then went back to the house (early by like 10:30 or 11), and went to sleep. (I didn't win the bottle of champagne.)
I woke up the next morning, and went into the main house.
What are we doing today? I asked.
We're going to go wine tasting in Napa.
Shut the front door, I said. That's AWESOME!
We then went wine tasting in Napa, and I discovered wine pairing.
I'm in love, I thought. I'm a wino for sure, but to have the food complement your palette like that was TRULY out of this world.
My date then topped off the rest of the day with a trip to the spa (I got a head to toe clay/ mud wrap) in addition to a wonderful, wonderful dinner.
All in all though, it's just not going to happen. We're SOOOOOO different. He's the kind of person that asks for permission before doing something (like his mother needing to be the decision maker with placement of furniture and cleaning out clutter), where as I only ask for forgiveness. I genuinely just.don't.care. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. If a guy is cool with it, rad! As an extrovert I actually prefer the man to take the lead, but then to also know what to do with it. For this guy to be so intimidated by men coming up to me versus owning it and being like, yeeeahhhh she's with me - is a total deal breaker. That's genuinely just my constant and a relationship between us would NEVER work (despite our mutual love of The Alchemist and philosophy in general).
Onward and upward I suppose.
Note to nerds though, when doing a wine pairing, eat lots of bread. The California cuisine at some of those super fancy pants places does not absorb the alcohol, and no one appreciates a sloppy Sally.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
Just recently, the bar I haunt Auntie Maes, had something called Free Music Fridays... because paying three bucks to see a musician is outrageous. Sigh... people can be so cheap. It’s put on by the local paper I work for called, “The Hype.” So I was there supporting the local musicians. Mostly, for my little sister’s boyfriend’s metal band, “White.” So imagine my surprise when directly following the dark metal they performed, came the voice of an angel accompanied by guitar. A stark contrast to the metal for sure. I checked the flyer for the show and found the new singer to be Jessica Furney. I was struck by the raw power her vocals sent out. Her voice drawing a crowd of drunken bar flies to an almost silence. Listening intently to her sing her original songs and covering some well-known ones in her own way. Song after song as she held our attention fast. I dared not even chance a conversation for fear of missing a single note.
I thought surely, this voice has had more of a following than this tiny bar. Finding out later in conversation, that she had actually made top 46 on American Idol. From hearing her that night, I can honestly say they cut her off short. She should have made the finals. Her takes on songs both contemporary and from days of old breathed new life into each incarnation. She summoned a force that rushed through the crowded bar like a hurricane gale. Each selection followed with thunderous applause. “This should not have been a free show,” I kept thinking to myself.
Luckily, I caught her singing, “House of the Rising Sun.” It may just be the opinion of one humble writer, but her voice moves something inside of you. While this is just a cover and you can well say, “Sure, anyone can sing someone elses music.” She later linked me to her personal Youtube channel where she had several original works posted. All of which I heard that night too. Still you may not have had a chance to sample her soulful voice brought to light with lyrics that play across your heart. Tempting the forlorn to act, brings couples closer, and ending every night with a kiss of her sweetest music. Let me enlighten you to her own works crafted with the heart of a girl, that has so much more to offer to the world than the few songs for an American Idol. She breathes life into the heart land with verses to sway the soul.
So in closing if you have heard Jessica Furney... if unlike me you chanced upon her in American Idol and always wished you could have heard more. Please give her some love on her Youtube Channel and spread the word of this sweet songstress. She has the drive to prove herself for far more than this town has to offer her. That being said I feel so blessed to have witnessed her in my own favorite bar. Maybe someday I will PAY to hear her singing for audiences of thousands. God willing fate will choose her to move your heart too.
Frustrated you're not getting the kind of return you are looking for while using an online dating site?
I feel yo' pain nerdy fellas!!!
I was recently scoping ::cough cough stalking:: some cuties over on the site Date My School, and it hit me just how MUCH these dudes have no clue how to market themselves to a woman.
Taking this as an opportunity, I'd like to offer some tips and tricks today on how to set up your photos on your DMS profile.
Maestro ...
Let's first start with some "donts" ...
1) Don't have any "in the mirror" photos.
In the mirror photos are sooooo circa 2006 Myspace. They're lame, and 90% of the time gunk in your mirror shows up which will only tell a woman that you need to clean more. Just don't do it, they're a HUGE HUGE no no and no one cares to see your "blue steel" face.
2) Don't have more than one photo of you drinking.
I know DMS is primarily for college kids, but PLLEEAASSSEEEE make sure you guys don't have more than one photo of you drinking. I don't care about you playing beer pong, or chugging some epicly awesome beer - it's lame, and will only show the female that you're a lush which means she may or may not have to take care of you at the end of the night.
Getting drunk and having your girl take care of you after a few months of dating is expected. Getting drunk on the first date and having your date have to take care of you is pathetic.
3) Don't have more than one self portrait photo booth.
I can't begin to tell you how many DMS profiles I've seen with MULTIPLE self portrait photo booth shots. You know the ones, you're in the same exact shirt (sans the mirror), same pose, just different face. I don't care to see your serious, not so serious, and sexy sexy face. Having a single photo booth photo is good, having more than that screams "I spend way too much time alone."
Alrite, now that I've torn you guys apart ready for some rebuilding?
There I am with my social media avatar photo (this counts as my one photo booth photo), skydiving, getting ditched on a date in a bikini(my only in the mirror photo but I get away with it because I'm a chick and I'm in a bikini. Guys aren't allowed to do that - double standard, yes, but I will own it.), bartering social media to couch surf at an epic winery, and on the red carpet for one of my favorite shows.
That's me in pictures, and gives you generally speaking a look into my life and a look into who I am as a person.
Who are you? What photos from your life would symbolize who you are?
Maybe you're an athlete, or an actor. Do you have photos of you on the field or on the stage? Show 'em!! They don't commercially speaking have to be the best photos but they DO have to tell the story of who you are.
Market.Yourself.To.Women.
Show me a glimpse into your life, and show me who you are.
Do you like hiking? AWESOME! Display a picture of you climbing some epic hill.
Like hiking but don't have a photo of you hiking?
Grab a friend and ask them to take a picture of you while you are out and about.
Don't have a friend that can take a photo for you?
Well, that's a different problem, and dating won't be able to fix it.
Moving on ...
2) Do have a good headshot with a genuine smile.
Here's a secret nerds, but women can actually tell when you have a genuine smile in photos. You know the one that I mean too ... remember that photo of you when you were having an AWESOME time at that event and you had that grin from ear to ear? Maybe that photo is even framed on your desk somewhere?
Take a look at your smile in that photo and emulate it in your default photo.
(This should be your only photo booth photo btw.)
Set up your computer arms length away, open up photo booth, think of that memory and snap the picture.
Take as many as you need, but the framing should look something like this ...
You can see a clear shot of my face, and partially down my body. This photo is my default on all my social sites because even when it is populated in a thumb nail you can still clearly see my face.
Women. Want. To. See. Your. Face.
Take off the hats, sunglasses, spirithoods, and show just a CLEAR shot of your face with a genuine smile.
Let her at that point judge your level of attraction. Don't. hide. anything.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at 12:01PM
