#NerdsUnite: The What If? (Part 4 - Tangled)
Thursday, August 23, 2012 at 6:00AM<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
So Fake Paddy’s Day had become huge in Manhattan after starting about 5 years prior as a joke. Literally, it was a joke that a radio station had pulled. That joke is now a town tradition. My friend James Coggins had come to town and we had made plans to fully enjoy the day. ALL OF IT! Seriously, you start drinking at 6 in the morning. We had Pancakes and took off to a pony keg race. It’s a weird feeling to be drunk by 8 in the morning but that’s all part of the tradition. After that we tooled around the ville, “Aggieville” for you all out of towners. Then we hit up a few house parties and got some grub. Ophelia had promised she would be there by 10ish. She managed to show up around 3. This should have been another sign, but no one sees signs when they are enamored. Seriously, showing up on time or at least near time is critical especially when it’s planned so far in advance. She had apparently, gotten drunk the previous night and stayed out till 5 in the morning. So once she arrived, we got ready and took off to the ville. She wanted to find a bar to watch a basketball game in. Keep in mind I am not a sports person. She is huge into sports, so much so she could be an announcer and knows all the players names and their stats. I have lived in a town that lives and breathes football for 12 years and have yet to go to a game or even tailgate. The ville was far gone by the time we got there. Lines out of each bar, I recommended a bar further away from the chaos so we went there. Holding hands might I add, which she instigated. A positive sign to me. I tend to read into things way too much. Still it’s the little things that lead us to understanding. After the game we went out for dinner and then a house party after that. The day had worn on us, so we cut out early from there. We went back to my house and watched Stardust and after that started Tangled. She fell asleep during that movie. So we went to bed cuddled up again.
The next day we grabbed some lunch and finished Tangled. Now if you have seen Tangled you know about the floating lantern scene. During that scene I was singing along and whispered the words into her ear. She turned to me and kissed me. That’s right she kissed me. Ok, veil is down. I wasn’t guessing anymore. The sign I was reading was I dig you a lot and this time it was ON and could be seen from afar without squinting! We took off for the concert that night and it was amazing. We were front row and I was a barrier between her and the floods of fans pressing up behind us. After the show there of course a blizzard. For some reason every time I see Flogging Molly there is a blizzard. We make it home safe and crawl into bed. Things get hot and heavy. My reservations are dismissed and I am full on into her now. She stops me just short of sex and asks if we really should do this. I was for it, but respected her wishes to take things slow. Still just out of a divorce, why rush things. The next morning I was forced to answer that question again. This time I said yes and she said no... Blue balls suck my friends. SO MUCH!! Bid her farewell and as she drove away, I danced around in my driveway. Now only a few days later I make a fatal error. Watch carefully my friends, because here I open up far too fast. Try not to make a similar mistake. So because I had so many years of history with this one person. I hoped this letter wouldn’t be received badly. I was tired of trying to be casual about my approach and I decided to lay it all on the line. What follows is a slightly abridged versions of a letter I sent to her. Looking back I would call it an over share. However, During her time with me her Ex made it abundantly clear that he was still in the picture and more so that he wanted to stay there. So not to lose her to that man again... I wrote. As a writer I may have written way too much. It’s hard to slow down when you take off down the hill of love:
So as you drive home I am left to think. You asked me what was on my mind earlier and I couldn't formulate it into words. I couldn't do it well in the moment that is. So here it is well thought out and written down. I think about you and I and think about where things go from here. I know you still don't have all the answers. I know you fear hurting me again. Fear that I really don't know what I'd be getting into with you. As you said you are damaged goods. While I can tell you time and time again about how well I could handle that type of thing. Mostly, because all my past relationships have been pretty damaged, I know you still don't think I'm ready to deal with just the full amount of damage you have hidden in you. As we keep walking down this road; I can't help but notice you open up to me more and more each day. You trust me with details of your life, that may not be things you want to tell me but you know I won't take them in a bad way. You know I'll just take them and accept you. Which is probably just as confusing as to why I would still be willing to risk my heart for you.
I realize your Ex thing is weird and confusing and kind of throwing your heart for a loop too. Here is a man that took everything from you and you spent years wanting to make this work, to help him see his own potential. I can understand why that goal is a hard one to give up on. You spent so much of your hope on it. You know as well as I do, that he's spiraling down a path that no one can save him from and it’s a lesson he needs to learn and sometimes that lesson is learned by having to face the consequences. I know you want to help him, to save him, to keep him from this fate. I know there will always be a part of you that will love him and want to help him. No matter what hell he has or will put you through. Still he is complicating your life over and over again. You were right when you said until he stops interfering in your life, you will never have another real relationship. I don't know what things he has stirred in your heart when it comes to his new desire to be a better man. To both of us it does feel like a huge angle. It scares me to think it may be a chance you give him. Still I don't think you will. I do believe you are strong willed enough to tell him, “NO” this time. As you said you don't owe him anything. If you do tell him no and he still fights you for this exception, this second (or whatever number) chance then he isn't being a friend and it was an angle. It is a NO he will have to accept. I hope so anyway. Lord knows how far you have let him back into your life already. How many steps he's taken to secure a new spot in your heart, where his old spot was. Knowing he called you twice just to check in on you while you were with me was unnerving in itself. Just being honest there.
Know this, you have me NOW so before risking so much more of your life to make sure he is safe. Risking what we could be (even if that could be was always up in the air), to go back into that dangerous situation. Ophelia I will walk this path with you for now because I know you feel for me. I know there is something there and there could be so much more there. I know you think about it and wonder just what could come of it. Because I know you. You said yourself you see the potential for us. You said I represent a hope and a real meaningful relationship. I'd like to take you up on that meaningful relationship. So know whatever form of damages you have to offer me right now, I'll take them and I'll take you. I've been a bit damaged myself from failed relationships and having been cheated on in the past. Still, I'll be a man you can brag about to your friends and family. Stories that involve achievement and your man fighting for the things you believe in and want to accomplish in your own life. Never about the let downs and disillusioned impairment of your broken romance. I'll be a stable man in your life. I will cherish you for who you are and what you achieve. I won't take you for granted.
I wasn't ever looking to fix you, but I'll take that journey with you. That journey you need to take to find the answers to the questions you have within your heart. In ten years (6 granted were less than communication) I haven't let you down. In all the time you have known me, I have never given you reason to not trust or doubt me. I have never been less than honest with you. I have no angles, I have no alternate plans. I don't just want to hook up with you and let you go afterwards. I just want you. I want you in my life and to be a part of my life. To walk forward with you, even if you are damaged goods. Still when I said I was guarded and to that I stand firm. I know I cannot win against your EX husband. If you open that door back up in your heart. I am just as doomed to failure as I could be against Johnny Depp. He was already in your heart and to that I stand little chance in competition if you let him back in. I don't want to lose you again, especially to him. I don't want this second chance of maybes and could be's to be fleeting. I would like it to work. I want us to be able to work. So far I have avoided long emails, drawings, poetry anything I felt that might be overwhelming to you. I didn't want to push you away again I hope this doesn't come off as such. This is more so just a statement. You knew this was how I felt already anyway, because you know me just as well as I know you. So far I haven't let you down yet and I don't intend to so. With that being said I'd like to say you should give me a chance to be that man. He has had too many chances already and all I'm asking for is 1. If I fuck it up, then I'll let you go, I'll just be your friend and never again pressure you to be in a relationship with me. Just that first chance to let me show you just what someone who doesn't take a girl for granted can be like. You have already seen the lengths I take for friends to make sure they feel cared for and loved especially in their darkest hours. Imagine how much more I would give for the one I loved. I'd like that person to be you. I am also still ok to take things slow I'm not looking to overcharge your heart. It's been hurt and those wounds are still healing I have no intention of pushing that heart to tearing again.
To walk with you, but walk with a purpose. To walk towards your heart. Give me that chance and I promise I will not disappoint. Give me this one chance and see if a meaningful relationship would be something you would like. Something you can take stock in and feel secure in. Knowing I won't use you, cheat on you, lie to you, or leave you alone wondering if my intentions or sentiments are angles played to gain something. Those are not questions you should ever have to ask or feel in a relationship. I won't give you reason to.
Forever doesn't start today. Right now we focus on today and tomorrow and where that path takes us. It might not be forever, but I promise you it will be an adventure and we shall sail it like pirates and have no regrets. Even if it does end we will still walk away as friends, which we have already tested. So come on this journey with me. We'll throw caution to the wind and rely on each other. Take my hand and let me show you a life lead without doubt. Doubt in yourself or in me. We may have gotten old, but honey we are young souls and I don't want to waste my youth chasing people I have little to nothing in common with hoping one similarity will be enough to secure a bound. We could be brains in a jar and still keep each other entertained :) I know you will want to process this and get back to me. So no worries about a quick response. I would like to know if you have read it. Just because... So maybe a call after. When you said you wanted to write me the rest of your layers of damages. I just wanted you to know where I was at so you could feel safe knowing your letter wouldn't chase me away or scare me into not wanting you anymore. If that was a possibility I would have been gone long ago. Yet here I am still in your arms, lost in your eyes, and keeping that glimmer of hope alive. As dumb as some of my friends say it is to do so. I still believe. I just don't want to give up on us yet. After a weekend as fun as this one how could I. Thank you for being open and honest with me. I am only seeking to do the same with you.
Yeah, that’s a lot for you guys to read, a lot for her to take in. Then again she had asked me what I was thinking and I have this horrible habit now of never lying. It took her a few weeks to respond which was torture for me. What she responded with was a warning. Not a warning to stay the fuck away. A warning of just how many layers of damage there were to her and if I wanted to take that chance to be ready for that. I said I’d chance it, I wasn’t ready for the rodeo that followed.
Next up Part 5 - The Bachelorette
#nerdsunite
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