#TrueStory: I Hate Tarantino

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JFuckingC

First and foremost, I love movies.  A lot.  I worked at a dvd store just to talk shop to customers who also knew their movie shit.  During trivia games, anytime a movie round comes up I get a cocky smirk on my face 'cause whoever i'm competing with that round is about to get seriously fucked up.  I LOVE movies, however I can not stand anything Quentin Tarantino has ever directed...because it's fucking bullshit.
 
People praise Tarantino for his writing talent and the edgy characters and their long winded dialogue.  Sure that's neat, he can write, i'm doing that write now (typing, really), in fact I've been able to write since I was a lil kid, hooray!  The problem I'm addressing is that every edgy and unique character that he writes sounds exactly like Tarantino, just outta' a different mouth, obviously.  (i'll get to the fact that i think he's a dirty sexual deviant later, lets go through his movies real quick for reference.)
  
Reservoir Dogs:  Six criminals, who are strangers to each other, are hired by a crime boss to carry out a diamond robbery.  Great plot for a movie, everyone lovest a heist flick though no one ever sees the heist.  What we're treated to is a meeting in a diner where six foul mouthed strangers (who all speak like Tarantino) are bitching about Madonna.  Then after the shit hits the fan, we're treated to six more strangers now in a warehouse killing each other off slowly muttering even more Tarantino word vomit.  Best example, the diner:  "Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick."
 
Pulp Fiction:  For the most part this movie was pretty groovy, if only they'd left out Uma Thurman.  She brought nothing to this movie but it's a known fact that Tarantino has a serious obsession with her.  I did have a problem with his character in this movie complaining how "storing dead [black expletives] ain't his fuckin job", then it turns out he's married to a woman of color.  Kinda pissed me off, his double standard there.  The rape scene goes on longer than necessary (we're getting closer to his sexual issues), but those negative points aside, i will say this is his only movie I enjoyed.  I know this is a "I hate him piece", but...movin on.
 
Jackie Brown: This movie was ok.  I'll just leave it alone I guess, though i have lots to say...i'd rather not paint myself in such light.
 
Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2:  Kung-fu references aside, every damn character speaks the same! The Deadly Vipers, Bill, the pervert orderly and the sex offender (more sexual issues), all clearly sound like Tarantino is wearing different masks and just playing each character as himself.  Not good movies. "As I lay in the back of Buck's truck, trying to will my limbs out of entropy, I could see the faces of the cunts that did this to me and the dicks responsible"  Yo Tarantino, get the hell outta Uma's body!  ...ugh, even worse is he's working on a Vol 3...
 
Grindhouse:  Planet Terror was an amazing zombie movie for a few reasons such as Tarantino didn't write it, he didn't direct it, and he's killed while trying to rape a one legged stripper (sexual issues).  He DID direct/write Deathproof, and what a piece of shit that was.  A whole movie dedicated to a car chase, and not even a good one.  But we do get plenty more of his clever and colorful racial dialogue "Black men and a whole lota' mother fuckin' white men have had plenty fun adoring my ass. I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing."
 
Inglorious Basterds: I could go on scene for scene about why i didn't like this movie (other than Hitler bein gunned down beautifully) because this movie is just scene after scene of long winded boring needless dialogue.  If i'm gonna sit down and watch an alternate history about killing nazis than damnit the body count better be epic.  To his credit, he didn't do anything sexually perverse in this movie, but he did bore me to death, doesn't anyone else remember the scene with the Nazi officer on the farmstead drinking milk?  I dozed off there too.
 
I've been referencing a few times to what I believe is some form of perversion with this 'tard of a man, so here we go!

1. Reservoir Dogs: "Her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts"
2. From Dusk Till Dawn: his character often thinks the minor they've taken hostage is asking him to perform sexual acts on her, luckily he's killed after offering to buy a young boy a lap dance from a vampire stripper (awesome).
3. Desperado:  He doesn't do anything sexual perverse, but he does joke about pissing all over the bar before getting shot in the face (awesome).
4. Planet Terror: He's listed in the credits as "The Rapist", a role i'm sure he chose for himself if you haven't noticed the trend yet. "He's getting his dick wet, Sir."

 
So if i haven't made it clear yet, I dont' feel he's all that clever or a writer.  He enjoys making racial remarks in his movies that would make ME blush.  None of his characters ever discern themselves from each other, and with that fact...rewatch his movies and just imagine a bunch of Tarantino clones talking to each other and you'll get what I mean AND FINALLY, now that i've pointed out his interest in playing rapists/sexual predators it kinda speaks ill of his choice of roles.
 
But then again, maybe i'm wrong. Tweet me and lemme know what you think: @JFuckingC

#TrueStory: I fell for a scam

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me, and I hate sharing it.  But some spam reminded me of it today, so I decided to share.  

A few years ago we had a litter of boxer puppies.  They were registered and pure, and worth $600 each.  We advertised locally and all that jazz, and got a call one day from a communication company that spoke for hearing disabled people.  She said she would read to me what the deaf person on the other end typed in, and act as a go-between for us.  This person was interested in purchasing a puppy, but lived a few hours away.  We communicated several times, and their English wasn’t great - but I had never really interacted with a hearing disabled person, so I didn’t have anything to go off of.  

They explained to me that they wanted to pay to ship the puppy to them.  They wanted to just send me a check, have me take out enough to pay for the puppy and my time, and have me Western Union the rest of the money to the shipping company.  Looking back it is so obvious, but at the time it seemed legit.  Even when they did some strange and shady stuff, I honestly just figured it was because *cringe* the person was disabled, so communications were strained.  Don’t judge me.

One day I even got a knock on the door in the morning - it was my neighbor, and they had contacted them to tell them to come tell me to talk to them, as I hadn’t responded the night before.  Freaky deaky stuff, but again, I was just super psyched to be selling a puppy.  We got the check from them for way more than the amount, cashed it, and Western Unioned the money on to them.  Then I was contacted by another deaf person wanting to do the same thing, through the same translator service....um, okay, no.

I finally got wary after red flag number 87...or was it 88?  A week later the bank called to let us know that the check we deposited and took the Western Union money out of didn’t clear.  We got bent over in a serious way.  We were lucky, in a sense, that we didn’t lose a puppy on top of it.  This is a super common scam, and people are not only losing thousands of dollars, but they are selling their merchandise to these people, so they are losing out on that, too.  

I’m not a dumb person.  My hubbard isn’t a dumb person.  Our real life skills and experience are totally up to par....and we still got dooped.  Or duped.  I don’t know, but it sure did suck.  The fact that someone tricked us so completely is embarrassing, like sooooo embarrassing!  Looking back it’s as dumb as falling for the Nigerian prince crap, but it is what it is.  

*sigh*

Wanna hear more?  Then find me on Twitter: @JenSquard

#TrueStory: I didn't learn to type until I was 20.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Totes magotes not even joking on this one.  We didn't get our first computer until I was like 14 or some junk.  I could type on it, and really frickin fast actually, just using my first two fingers of each hand.  I was way fast, like 50 words per minute!  I know that isn't legitimately fast, but it isn't bad for a two-fingered typer.  I always had to look at the keyboard to type, but it worked for me.  I even got through computer classes and stuff doing it...I don't know how, but I did.  My mom could type crazy fast and was a transcriptionist, but she couldn't convince me to do it right.

When I went to college I worked in the computer lab a lot, and it embarrassed the hell out of me that all of the students around me could type and I couldn't.  It felt like they were all listening to me crappy pecking and it was lame.  So I taught myself.  Instead of doing homework I played learn to type games.  I forced myself to retype the entire word if I got one letter wrong.  I was slow as hell, but I was doing it. 

A few months later I took a job as an office assistant, eventually became a transcriptionist and word processor, and within a few months of starting that I was able to type 120 words per minute.  DAMN!  I'm not quite as fast and accurate now since I'm not doing it quite as often, but I'm still around 100 wpm.  Just goes to show you can teach yourself anything at any time.  And embarrassment serves as an amazing motivator.

A True (Mostly... Not Really) #Story

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @maniacalmorgan

Today started just like any other day. I rolled out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom. I had to get ready to go to work. With a yawn, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush and proceeded to thoroughly clean my teeth. "5:30AM is too freaking early," I thought to myself. I wandered back to my room, threw on my clothes, grabbed my keys, and headed out the door.

As I put the key in the ignition, I let out an audible yawn. "I really shouldn't have stayed up so late," I said to my imaginary passenger. I started the engine and sighed as I realized that I was talking to myself again. I put the car in reverse and backed down the driveway. I slammed on the breaks as some reckless Toyota came screaming down the street. "Asshole," I mumbled. I made it down the street and onto the freeway without further excitement. Just another day.

I accelerated my car to catch up with the other cars on the freeway. I mentally went over which route I should take even though it never changes. As I pondered to myself, I heard a raspy voice say. "Helloooo..." My heart rate rose as I checked my rear view mirror. Nothing was there. I turned around with the same results. I chalked it up to engine noise. A few minutes later, the same voice said, "Behiiiiiiind youuuuuuu..." I knew I wasn't hearing things. Doing my best job to keep the car straight, I turned around again. Nothing. "What the hell?" I thought to myself. As I turned around to face the road, my gaze was met by the biggest spider I had ever seen.

"HOLYFUCKINGSHIT," I screamed. "I have beeeeeen watchiiiing you," breathed the spider. "You have kiiiiiiiiiiilled many of our kiiiiiiiiind. Now you must dieeeeeee!" Lighting fast, the spider lauched itself at my face. I grabbed one of it's legs and was barely able to hold it back. "Shit shit shit," I thought as it was slowly overpowering me. I had to think of something fast. I slammed on the brakes. As I strained against the seatbelt, I saw the spider go slamming into the windscreen. I jumped out of my car in the middle of the freeway. Other cars were wizzing by with their horns blaring. I couldn't focus on that now. I coudln't let this spider get me. I looked in the car, but the spider was no where to be found.

I stood there scratching my head as I looked into the empty car. My heart was still pounding. What could have happened to it? All of the sudden, I felt warm breath on my neck. I ducked right as the spider swung 4 of it's legs at me. I dodged the first two, but the spider still connected, sending me flying back into the side of my car. The impact of my body hitting the car was enough to knock the wind out of me. The spider saw it's time to attack and proceeded to wrap it's legs around my neck. I couldn't breathe! As the world started to turn black, I made one last ditch effort. I threw me knee into it's thorax as hard as I could. It was enough to cause the spider to stumble back - right into an oncoming semi-truck. SPLAT.

It was over. It was finally over. I wasn't going to let a spider get the best of me. I live to fight another day. I was able to snap one picture...

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#TrueStory: Gone but not forgotten

 I really miss my grandmother. She died earlier this year, after like the longest almost dying ever ... and it took me a really long time to process. I very much have this "just do it" attitude, which is great if I were a ninja - but sucky for being a chick ... damn those hormones. For real, don't get me wrong ... this woman was quite possibly one of the biggest pains in the butt ever, but she was our pain in the butt.

My grandparents were incredibly funny people for all the wrong reasons. They were Edith Archie with a mix of Shit my dad says. Get it? Yeah - tons of fun.Throw in the fact that their last name was HOAR pronounced like one would assume it is pronounced, and yeah - total life of the party.

I spent every summer with them up at the lake as a kid. Hence why I am such a tomboy, I had my boating license at 9 and fished off the end of the dock from dawn til dusk. I loved it. I'm a total nature chick.

Dude, one summer, we were on our way to church ... and this bird literally just fell from the sky and died. It landed not only on our car, but in between the windshield and the wipers in that little nook that all those leaves get stuck in that you just can't get out without that little gripper thing. I, of course, being the crazy awesome animal lover started screaming that annoying 11 year old scream. What does my grandfather, who was driving at the time do? Turn on the windshield wipers.

I screamed louder.

My grandmother chimed in with, JOHN!! STOP IT!!! As she was always his voice of reason. He replied with his usual, WHAT?! I cried the entire way to church as the blood mixed with feathers and a foot or two lingered on our windshield. My grandfather then got out of the car taking a piece of newspaper and flung a piece of the bird at me. He did not get a handshake at the "peace be with you."

Death is a funny thing. We're all going to do it - so it doesn't really matter. I was terribly sad when my grandmother died, but I was also kinda like so what. Celebrate the life, and move on with things. I don't think it is insensitive, I think it just is. Every day is precious. Every moment, every breath, every anything. We're only given one shot with our lives. Why NOT make the most of it? Remember, time is never spent wasted if it was time you enjoyed. So whatever you end up doing with your life, make sure you at least like it.

Thanks for all the lessons Grabey. Hope to smell ya later! #NerdsUnite