#Fact: There Are No Quick Fixes for Bad Daters
Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 12:23PM
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
Most men make dating way too difficult.
Bad Daters (BDs) search for the perfect pickup line or opener ... they spend way too much time online researching seduction techniques ... they obsess about women they want to meet ... they search for a magic bullet to make women fall in love with them.
Here’s the paradox of dating: meeting women and creating relationships is relatively easy, but requires something that most men find excruciatingly difficult.
Let me explain. Most Bad Daters struggle with shyness or social anxiety. For whatever reason. . . genetics, family environment, or fear, they find talking with and interacting with people especially difficult.
A second factor compounds this problem.
Most people tend to spend the most of their time doing what comes easiest for them. People who are naturally good at sports tend to play a lot of sports. People who are naturally good at math tend to spend a lot of time doing math. People who are naturally good at socializing tend to spend a lot of time socializing.
It only makes sense that if something comes relatively easily, you spend more time doing that thing. The result is that like most people, you tend to get pretty good at one or two things but lag behind at most other things.
Here’s the heart of your dating problem.
Since childhood, some things came more easily for you than for others. I’m going to guess that socializing is one of those things that didn’t come especially easy. Therefore, you developed your math muscle, D&D muscle, Halo muscle, watching TV muscle, or surfing the internet muscle, and never put much effort into developing your social muscle.
Initially, using a muscle that has never been trained or developed typically results in clumsiness and failure. The first several times you try to ride a bike, shoot a basketball, or drive a stick shift you feel awkward. That’s normal. Social muscles are no different.
Here is the third thing that makes dating and mating way too difficult for most shy guys. Most socially anxious men want to get laid or get a girlfriend; these are powerful motivators. Because they have never developed their social muscle, these men often go looking for shortcuts and quick fixes. They think they should be able to play like Kobe and LeBron without having to put in hours working on their game. When they do occasionally venture out onto the dating court and miss the first two or three shots they take, they get frustrated and give up.
These three factors, social anxiety, a tendency to neglect developing social muscles, and a desire for quick fixes all combine to make dating way more difficult than it needs to be.
If the scenario above fits you, here is what I suggest: skip the Grand Theft Auto and the search for the quick and easy dating tricks, and work on developing your social muscle.
Relationships are the result of unexpected miracles. Not many miracles happen when you are sitting at home playing X-box, watching television, or surfing the internet for porn. Not many miracles happen when you spend 60 to 70 hours a week at work. Not many miracles happen when you only hang out with other socially anxious men.
To become a natural, successful dater you have to do something that doesn’t come easy; talk to people. Like everything else, to get good at something, you have to start with the basics and work your way up. You have to start out playing scales before you play Chopin.
Here’s your workout routine for developing your social muscle:
* Get out of the house every day.
* Expand your route and linger in public places.
* Talk to people everywhere you go (not just hot women).
It’s that simple.
If this plan scares you, feels awkward, or seems unrelated to your goal of getting a girl, great; go do it! There are no shortcuts or quick fixes to developing your social muscle. Without social competency, you’ll never be more than a “Geek with Techniques” when you try to approach women.
Working on your social muscle isn’t sexy and it won’t produce overnight results, but it will build a foundation for success in dating and mating.
Here’s the bonus, besides giving you the skills you need to be successful with women, it will also give you the skills you need to be successful in every other area of life! So turn off your computer, get the hell out of the house, and smile and say hello to the first person you meet.
Reader Comments (1)
This is so very true, but I'm going to say it doesn't end with the guys. A lot of my nerdy female friends are equally socially awkward and prone to hibernation in front of the screen. Like the guys, their inexperience, socially, makes them miss cues that they are pissing people off, and they get shunned by all but the other nerds (who seem to have no expectation of social norms in friendship).
I sort of followed your advice long before you gave it. I realized in 9th grade, if I wanted a girlfriend, I better start talking to girls, and talking to girls a lot, not just the pretty ones, but all of them. Not about what interested me (because clearly, they were not into video games and sci fi, or we'd have been friends already), but finding out what interested them (people love to talk about themselves, just give them the chance). It really worked wonders, and I've had many girlfriends since then.
Point is, you can do this, but you have to leave your comfort zone and be prepared to be shot down, a lot. Eventually you won't be shot down at all, and you'll be having fun and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.