#NerdsUnite: Tales of a Pick Up Artist (Stop Observing, Get A Pair and Approach)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Anwar. We met in Florida last year, and it was because of him that I got to go out on a date with Steve Ward. True story - Anwar tweeted about Steve's Ustream broadcast, and that's where I asked him out. That shit cray! He's a rad mofo, and active in the pick up artist community (PUA) and wants to share his tips and tricks with you today. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ANWAR!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @AJonesPUA

Every night I go out I see the same social patterns. A group of men walk in, go to the bar, procure a drink then find a home based to observe the crowd.

A group of women walk-in run straight to the bathroom or bar, talk to their friends and park themselves at what they make home base for the evening.  

What I have discovered is that when men look at me they think "I'm weird" for going up to girls and talking to them. They think it's "weird" for me to dance with girls I barely know. THEY think it's weird to be social in general. This is why ladies see lines of men posted up on the walls of clubs and waiting for that "one" girl to pass by and grab their arm. (It doesn't work by the way, I've field tested this) In reality when you're in a social environment, it's actually weird for you NOT to be talking. 

For example, you see a guy in the bar leaning against the wall NOT speaking to anyone. The public perception will be that he is lonely and doesn't have any friends. Meanwhile, Lonely Guys sees Party Guy having the time of his life dancing, drinking and kissing girls. Party Guy may be getting rejected but Lonely Guy still think he's the shit because he has the courage to actually go after what he wants.

Men have to learn that the term "Less is more" has no relevance inside a social environment. The less you do the more of a weak impression you leave on people. Girls often associate social awkwardness with having no confidence and often brand you with the title of "The Creepy Guy." 

I went out alone for the first time in a long time last night. Initially, I went out to give a good happy birthday to my friend and to hangout for a while. While in my chill mode I took a stroll around the bar and I didn't open any sets, wasn't really motivated to talk to any females at this point, but I like to people watch on occasion.

Make my way downstairs to the first floor dance-floor, it's 12:14 (don't ask how I remember) and from the bottom of the stairs I got the perfect view to basically see everyone and observe for a second.

Now I want to describe this from right to left in detail you can understand. So in order from right to left this is what I see:

2 cute girls, 3 guys standing around, 4 beautiful women, 1 guy dancing around them trying to gain their attention, 3set mixed 2 girls and 1 guy,  5 guys screaming and fist pumping to make it look like they're having fun.

I see a few more guys staring at the dancers on the stage, a few more wallflowers, looking around. I start to think to myself, "Why do we waste so much time looking good when we come out to just stand around and observe others"?

We put on our best shirt, pants, and shoes. Brush our hair and teeth, put on Axe or cologne to smell good. Then go out, just to sit on the wall, grab at girls only too satisfied with telling our friends that, "I almost had her, dog!"

Askmen.com has an article that talks about Why do women go to nightclubs? When I read this I was amazed by how accurate the article actually was about descriptions of certain women who prance about in the nightclub.

According to 100 women polled, there are 3 main reasons why women attend nightclubs:
1-- To meet men - 64%
2-- To see what happens - 21%
3-- To have fun - 12 %
4-- Other (with boyfriend, on a date) - 3%

Take a minute to soak that all in guys.

...

Finished? Ok, good =) Because, this proves we have no business watching anything in the club. You have to be interacting with people to be seen in a nightclub. Women come in there knowing what type of guys they want to approach them and women are so slick, they'll even position themselves to be approached by YOU!

Are you unclear on the reasons why YOU want to go out to clubs? To be social? To have fun with your friends? To pick up girls? Own that decision before you walk out the door. Don't apologize for wanting to approach and leave your friends, this is why you came out, right?

When you go out long enough, you will start to see a pattern taking place. One of which is how people interact with each other, guys especially. Here's what I mean:

4 things guys do in the club to "TRY" get attention:

1. Gather in a circle and shout lewd noises to get attention.
2. Make an all guy dance circle and do the drunken pop n lock. (At least the black ones do)
3. Stay on the walls and grab women by the hands trying to get them to turn around.
4. Stare at women as they walk by them.

As men, we don't need to "try" at all to attract women. At the same time you must carry yourself in a manner of being carefree and friendly. Make a habit to smile while walking through the club, causally talk to guys and girls and build some social momentum before you start approaching women. Remember, 64% of females are out to meet a guy and 21% are just there to see what happens. Why not make it a good night for these women to remember and be "That Guy" that sweeps them off they're feet.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Anwar on twitter!

#Truth: There Is No Perfect Opener

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Guys Are Too Concerned About Their Opening Line

We tend to freak out thinking about what we might say. Men will spend a lot of time focusing on the rightmagic pickup line. If there was such an elusive line, I think someone would have figured it out by now. I think it is funny that people still think this “unicorn” is out there.

I get a lot of questions that start off like this:

    “There is this one girl who blah blahblah so what do I say to her?”

Unfortunately, there is no perfect thing to say.  Say whatever comes to your mind right there and then. It is a risk you have to take if you want to meet her.

Every time I open my mouth, I take a risk and I am very comfortable with that. Sometimes it will go great and other times it will blow up in my face. That’s the risk. You have no idea what that person has been through that day, nor do you know how they are feeling in that exact moment. It’s always a gamble.

The biggest thing you have to know is that you might not be able to control other person’s moods and/or life, but you can control your responses. If she blows you out, you have to be fine with that. That’s just the natural law of things.

It’s A Game of Not Caring about The Results

I will always give it a shot if I want something. I understand that I might not be able to get it, but I will at least try, and give it my best attempt, and I feel that isn’t true of everyone. I have so much in my life right now because I wanted it, and I took a chance for it.

Laziness?

It seems in this age of information and “I want it now” mentality, that if things don’t come easy, then nobody wants to go for it. “Oh, there is not a pill for that”? and “What do you mean there is no app for that?” seem to be echoed through the halls of laziness more and more often these days.

A Few Things About The Debacle of What To Say

Of course, smiling will always go a long way, as well as great eye contact. For me, the one thing that changed the situation was committing to the interaction, which is just going right in with authority and saying whatever comes to mind. Usually it would be something stupid and silly to spark some laughter. Things just seemed to snowball after that.

The sillier the comment I made, the easier it was for me to continue the interaction in a positive, fun and playful way that always lead to being introduced to more people or getting the phone numbers of super-cute girls.

“Excuse me, did you just grab my ass?” seemed to work every time some nights. And because of how silly and stupid it was, I would be forced to be in a somewhat of a sillier mood that was just as light and playful as the words I was using.

It’s Never About The Words

Instead, it’s always about how they are said. We don’t have these issues through texts and e-mail — the words mean what the words are. I have seen many social people get flamed for trying to put an emotion in e-mails or texts because that is how they are used to communicating. The opposite is true too, the introverted computer kid has a hard time in a nightclub because he is a bit too logical in his communication.

It starts from being in a goofy, playful mood, being that ten year old boy or girl we used to be. Coming back to that and going out with that mindset will go along way. People go out looking for fun.

Be that person who allows everyone else to have fun.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

Pick Up Line O'El Dia

I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.

#Fact: You can do it, put yo' back into it!

 <editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Weight training and cardiovascular exercise are good ideas for any man serious about his health. These things can also help toward your success with women, because they will give you greater confidence and a general sense of well-being, which are attractive qualities to have.

There is a basic formula that I use when it comes to my physical health that I also apply to every aspect of my personal growth. When it comes to growth – whether you want to grow your muscles, your social skills, your confidence with women – stress is your best friend. That’s right, I said “stress is your best friend!”

We grow our muscles by putting stress on them, followed by a period of recovery, combined with proper nutrition. There is a lot of advice on there about how best to put that stress on your muscles, such as what types of weights to lift, in what manner, and how often. But the basic formula remains the same: put the right amount and type of stress on yourself, then take time to recover, then your muscles should grow. If you want to maintain your weight or the amount of muscle you have, then you keep doing the same routine over and over. In order to grow, however, you need to progressively increase your stress levels.

We can consider other aspects of our lives to be similar when it comes to growth. Our muscle strength is representative of our ability to handle physical stress. In the same way, our social “muscles” enable us to excel when we are in tricky or new situations. Likewise, our emotional “muscles” enable us to handle difficult conversations with our girlfriends. Men with strong emotional “muscles” can handle the toughest women with grace. Women who routinely eat weaker men for breakfast become like purring kittens in the hands of a man who is emotionally strong.

When it comes to your mind and body, I don’t see much distinction between the two. I consider the mind and body as parts of a cybernetic whole. Any weight trainer who does not examine and learn to govern his mental thought processes – his ability to relax and recover, his desire and determination, his ability to sleep at night with a clear conscience – is really fighting against himself.

When it comes to life, therefore, consider five key “muscles” that should be in balance as far as strength and as far as your personal training program:

• Physical

• Emotional

• Intellectual

• Spiritual

• Social

If any one of these areas is too strong relative to the others, or too weak, then it’s hard to be happy and really successful in our relationships, whether sexual or otherwise. It’s almost like a car with one or more cylinders that is misfiring. I love to help men to examine their lives and see which areas might be out of balance and what we can do to put things in better order. We won’t get into all of these today, but let’s consider some ways in which you can give yourself a proper social and emotional workout, which will in turn increase your desirability to women as well as your ability to handle the ones you find really attractive.

Remember that in order to grow, we need a certain amount of stress, followed by the right amount of recovery. Let’s say you set meta-goals for yourself of becoming more comfortable interacting with beautiful women, being more authentic with them, and eventually dating some of them. Depending on your demeanor, circumstances, and your other strengths and weaknesses, I would recommend you set some interim goals for yourself; a social workout program as it were.

For example, we might decide that you should attend social gatherings at least two nights per week for a certain amount of time. At each event, you will try to make small talk with at least three different women and two different men each time. Women in groups would be fine, as would talking to men. Why do I say this?

In real life, attractive women who you’ll want to meet and date are often going to have friends around them of both sexes. Being able to handle such situations on the fly is an invaluable life skill to cultivate. Sexy, intelligent women fear for their social safety as much as their physical and emotional safety. They want to know that you’ll enhance their value in the eyes of their peer groups and not detract from it.

It’s true that a woman with low self-esteem will date a man who is vilified by everyone who knows her, but in my experience that doesn’t make for a happy life for anyone. I simply don’t want to date a woman who doesn’t have any cool friends or who doesn’t understand what it takes to get along with cool people. I am not saying she should be subservient to her catty friends’ wishes; but I am saying that I am screening her for good social skills as much or more than she is screening me.

Commitment and consistency is important for the success of any workout program, so you must really resolve to stick to the plan, in spite of mood swings or any minor problems that will surely come. When trying something new and stressful, you will likely hear a voice in your head trying to feed you all sorts of rationalizations as to why you should skip the program or postpone it. Do not listen to that voice! Ignore that pest, and he will lose all power over you.

Once you are completely comfortable making small talk with ten new people per week – i.e., you are now stress free in such a situation – it’s time to increase your stress levels by setting new, more challenging goals for your workout program. This is the way to a healthy, happy lifestyle filled with as many beautiful women as you would like.

#nerdsunite

#HowTo: Conquer your fears by being open

 <editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

What does it mean to you to be open?

How would you explain it to someone who didn’t understand? Just how open are you? Can you speak about your insecurities without twitching? Can you speak about where you have grown up or how you where raised without fear that people will judge you? It can be a hard thing to do. How solid is your foundation that supports who you really are?

We spend so much of our time trying to hide everything we don’t like about ourselves from friends, strangers–hell, even ourselves–that we rob ourselves of our lives one day at a time. Personally, when I was able to give all that up to just live and be who I really felt I was, it changed the way I looked at the world forever.

The first level of being open is in the attraction phase. When we learn to not be approval seeking, we learn to stop paying attention to how others view us because it has no relevance to us succeeding socially. If we are waiting around all night for someone to make us comfortable to dance we will be waiting along time. Remember the old saying, “Hope is not a strategy”.

I’ve seen it a 100 times… someone says to me: “I don’t care what anyone here thinks,” they say while standing locked up against the wall in terror refusing to talk to a 100-pound girl. Imagine that fear being lifted from you to do what you need to do there to have a good time and enjoy yourself. It is a power to be able to walk across the floor, grab a drink, walk over to the hottest girl there and have a dance. Whether it works or not, the power to do that unhindered is fantastic.

The Second level is now more of a rapport freedom. It’s one thing to be able to move through that room confidently and put your balls on the table without flinching, but it’s another to go into a conversation about how you feel without feeling vulnerable. Speaking clearly and openly on your feelings is hard, especially for men who have been conditioned for years that speaking this way makes one a weak man. So we begin to train ourselves to build walls. How are women going to connect with us if we cannot show we understand how they can feel?

We as men understand if we are going to open our self up we will vulnerable to attack. We also have to understand that the attacker is likely to be someone who is more scared or feels threatened by us being near and so open. If a six-year-old calls you an asshole, will you fire back with your own insults? Of course not, Why would you? We have to look at our attacker in the same way. I understand that he is scared, feels insecure and is looking for acceptance. Now how can I take an attack personally?

And yet guys continually refuse to open up in a way that lets women feel comfortable with them. Then, they wonder why these women never answer the phone. It’s time to man up and quit being wussbags about being vulnerable. When you are able to let go of all the bullshit you’ve been trying to keep under wraps, you will be able to generate strong connections that will last a lifetime.

Now this does not mean to start dumping your issues out all over the place when meeting people! That will scare the hell out of anybody. Just be able to give a descriptive take on how you feel about whatever comes up in the conversation. When she mentions, “what a beautiful day it was,” feel free to let her know what it meant to you.

As men we are so shut off from our feelings we can’t even feel them till they overwhelm us. Then it is too late. Spend some time this month tasting our food… Notice the trees and flowers… Really listen to that song, what is it about? What does it sound like? Give life the opportunity to exist in your world.

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!