#NerdsUnite: Get Your Mojo Working For You

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Mojo has a few different meanings, but at its core it was attracting women with confidence, charm, and even magic! Some say it was the idea to have power over someone sexually or the ability to be charming in an influential way when needed.

Muddy Waters wrote and recorded a song about his Mojo in 1957. In the song he sings about “getting it working” for him–almost describing it as a charm or mood where his luck and life is in perfect harmony–where he can do no wrong.

Being described as a dark magic power that could stem from hoodoo. Someone could also be stricken with Bad Mojo or given Good Mojo from a witch doctor. The word attraction in a thesaurus can be linked to witchery and magic. It seems every time in life when we humans don’t understand certain things, we will throw magic or some outside force into the picture as a way of explaining the situation.

Blues musicians were thought to control the libido of women listening to their music!

Like snake charmers the women would dance to the music in a sexual way, driven by the music she would be taken over and lose control. Any of you guys that have seen those old Beatles clips with the girls screaming their heads off and passing out can understand how someone could possibly think people could be under a spell! Push any person’s emotions that high up through the roof and you could achieve the same effect.

Mojo can also be described in the context of self-confidence as “inner game”. That elusive feeling of being in charge of what we need to do, without looking to others for permission. I feel a lot of people ignore the inner game stuff to a point because it is really hard to understand what exactly it is!

I remember when I first heard the term “inner game”…

I was sure it had to do with confidence. What I didn’t know at the time was there are two types of confidence: External and Internal.

External confidence is supplied from things such as a good job, awesome car or having a bunch of money.

Internal confidence comes from your beliefs about yourself–who you are and what you can do. There are not many people in the world that would admit they have no real confidence.

Every culture has their version of what Mojo is. That special power that we use to attract the opposite sex. Moxie is another word that has been thrown around as well. It’s having courage and guts and perhaps a bit of bravado… Though, we always have to watch ourselves that we do not become consumed by our own egos.

You cannot have victory if you if you do not have defeat.

They are always very close to each other. Knowing that and being ok with learning everyday can keep yourself humble and avoid humiliation.

The reason I bring this up is to show just how important this is throughout history. The notion of this inner confidence coming up over and over as the main driving forces behind attraction is just outstanding. Thinking you can achieve success without going through the pains of rediscovering and accepting who you are is out of the question. You could end up questioning your foundation on a daily basis only making you worse off. You want to spend time building a strong you, something nobody can knock down, the immovable object.

It is time to get your Mojo together.

Unfortunately, we understand that a magic spell, potion or charm is not going to help us with it. We need time to go introspective and find out who we really are and embrace those qualities that are special to us. Take steps in getting comfortable and learn The Art of Charm.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

#RealDeal: What MOST Girls Want?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

I get asked many questions that start with, “How do MOST girls...” They want to know how most girls feel about relationships, how do most girls think about sex, how do most girls feel about one night stands, how do most girls feel about being approached, what do most girls look for in a guy, how do most girls like to be kissed, how do most girls like to see a man dressed, where do most girls like to go on a first date, why do most girls go to the bathroom in pairs or groups” the list goes on and on.

Here’s the cool thing about women. There are so many different kinds. There are an infinite number of variables when it comes to looks, personality, intelligence, sense of adventure, interests and every other quality. And within each one of these variables is a scale. If she’s adventurous, she could be just a little more so than most, or maybe she plans yearly treks out into unexplored wilderness. She’s fun, but fun can go from a dry sense of humor to outwardly boisterous and silly. She might be all about Monty Python or she might be all Dane Cook. She might be smarter than most, or she might just be smarter than you. She might be a size 8 and five feet tall, or she might be a size 8 and six feet tall.

Here’s the cool thing about guys. There are so many different kinds. When you say you want an adventurous girl, maybe you’re thinking of someone who would want to go on weekend outings with you. Frank from down the street might be looking for a partner for his next Everest attempt. You might want the family and picket fence one day. Joe next door wants to be a rolling stone. You might wear a suit to work but drive home on your Harley. Your friend Bill might consider a striped polo instead of a solid one to be a bold fashion choice. You might be quiet and reserved when first meeting people, but you open up when you’re amongst friends. John might be wild and crazy and charming to all the ladies when he’s out, but if a girl gets him one-on-one, he gets flustered and shuts down.

So now we have the infinite variables of all of the men to add to the infinite variables of all of the women. Your variables color how you see the world and how you rate what you want on that scale. Your own variables will actually define the women’s variables in a very different way than how others will define them. This is why so many questions about what MOST women are looking for or want cannot be answered in any other way than, “It varies!”

Some of these questions do have a straight answer. Most girls are looking for someone to ultimately make them feel provided for and protected. Most girls really, really like sex. Most girls want a man who they can trust to lead them. Most girls are attracted to a man whose body language shows confidence and self-assurance, and whose personality is congruent with what his body language is conveying.

Under the umbrella of those concepts, you have to let go of “most,” and get out there and experience the next layer of variables for yourself. “Most” turns into “some” Some girls like sweet gentle kisses. Some girls like latex and paddles.  Some girls see the world for its potential and its beauty. Some girls see it as a place to be wary and cautious.  Some girls are as pretty on the outside as they are on the inside. Some girls are prettier on the inside than they are on the outside.

Some girls want to be married as soon as possible. Some want to keep things light and unattached.  Some girls like goths, some girls like suits.  Some girls will wait for you to make every move, some will be more forward.  Some will challenge you in a good way, some will annoy you horribly.

Some will be just right.

The greatest fun of this game, this mating game, is that you get to choose how you want to convey that you embody those attributes that most girls are looking for. There are many ways to show that you’re a provider, from simply sharing your food to owning a palatial estate on a private island. There are many ways to show you are a protector, from giving her your coat in the rain to saving her from imminent harm.

There are so many ways to have good sex that there is an entire library’s worth of books, movies and magazines as well as an internet that explain how to go about that. These posts and the Pickup Podcast are fantastic resources, as they are devoted to teaching you how to develop confidence, leadership, proper body language and congruence, so you can provide what MOST girls are looking for!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: The Break-Up

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There is no easy way to end a relationship with someone you care about. Someone usually gets hurt and the other usually feels a new sense of freedom. I have ended a few in my life, but usually my girlfriends, after dealing with my bullshit for so long, would finally just end it for me. For the most part, there are easier ways to deal with a breakup.

Perhaps if you would have kept your social circle, you would not have been dumped in the first place. Guys, try to keep in touch with your friends. When you ditch them for your new girlfriend, they will remember that. The minute you have devoted your entire life to your girlfriend is the minute you are swimming at sea. If and when the relationship fails, who is going to be there to get you hammered? Who is going to be there to help you make a fool of yourself while chasing new girls around?

Some guys will get a girlfriend and all of a sudden, they put on this holier than thou attitude and begin to blow their friends off. Yeah I know, your girlfriend thought they were immature, right? Well I have news for you. They are. They are your friends. They make up a part of your world that she is becoming a part of. If you think chasing women with your friends has to end when you have found your special sweetheart, you don’t! You can be the ultimate wing man for your buddies. You never know what is going to happen in your relationship so don’t write-off your boys.

If you were the one who was dumped, you will need to wash all existence of her off of your mind. Drop all contact with the ex. You can’t call her. You can’t ride past her house to see what she’s doing. Go ahead and get her off your twitter, facebook, etc. You will always have the urge to see what her status is or her latest stream of tweets, and you will justify it by saying that you are worried about her. Fool, she is moving on and you need to as well. One look at a status update about her recent date or visit from an old friend, and it is meltdown city.

You might have to visit some new bars or hangouts for a while. You don’t want to run into her on her night out with friends, blowing off steam and making out with random dudes. This will cause you to do something stupid. Trust me, I know. What you will rationalize is that you are an adult and you can handle it. “It’s totally cool.” What you will end up doing is about 14 shots of tequila to show how cool about it you are. All the while, you are puking your guts out in the restroom and she is crying about how much she is sorry. Sound fun?

The best thing that I can say to do is to channel that anger and energy into yourself. Get yourself back to the gym, buy some new clothes and try and sink into a new hobby for a while. You might just find yourself doing some things you never had the chance to do before and you might learn something new. The best part is, if you disappear for a while, she could think you are doing better than she is and will begin to want you back. If you succeed in moving forward, you might not want to have her back in your life so fast.

If you are the dumper, I recommend being honest with both yourself and her about why you are doing this and letting her know that you do care for her. Make sure that breaking up is truly what you want because if you are the one crawling back in two weeks, you are going to be one miserable man. She will own you and make it very tough on you. The message you could be sending is, “I felt I could do a lot better than you, but now that I was out there, I saw that I couldn’t and I am settling for you.” This is something no one wants to feel.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: How to Identify a Gold-Digger

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here’s a quick guide on how to identify a gold-digger.

First of all, let me distinguish between a gold-digger and a woman who wants you to treat her to dinner from time to time. The difference is the “time to time.”

See, most women will want a man to take her out as a romantic gesture on occasion. Sorry, but it’s true; splitting absolutely everything all the time might be financially practical, but it’s not sexy.

What makes a woman a gold-digger, though, is that she’s made it her job to find a man to pay for everything. And when I say job, I mean that literally—in the same way that most of us get an actual job to make money, a gold-digger has made finding a rich man her means of “making” money.

In other words, for a gold-digger, having you take her out or buy her a gift isn’t a nice romantic treat. It’s her financial plan for life.

You can spot a gold-digger because her questions will be very materially oriented. For example, she will ask questions about what kind of car you drive, or she will comment on your clothing label (different than just a compliment on clothing like “nice shirt.”). A woman that’s genuinely seeking a romantic connection will be much more concerned with finding out about you and your personality.

So, you can screen out a gold-digger right away by finding about her and her personality. A gold-digger will typically be very fascinated with wealth and wealthy people and will talk about all the stuff she wants to have “one day,” but she works a low-paying job and seemingly has no career plans or aspirations to obtain said riches herself.

A gold digger will also throw out the names of expensive places to see if you’ll take the bait and say,“Yeah? You’d like to try that restaurant? I’ll take you there some time…”

That’s the sucker’s response.

A better response is something like, “Oh, I know a place that’s way less expensive but the food is actually better.” A gold-digger will be disappointed and move on to find a sucker. A non-gold-digger will likely be impressed by your knowledge of cool places to get good food without paying through the nose for it.

If you’ve already been on a few dates with her and she keeps dropping hints that she likes jewelry from Tiffany’s, you can respond with a low-budget gesture. Take her to Tiffany’s to get a Cracker Jack ring engraved.

Yes, that’s straight out of Breakfast at Tiffany’s and thus you doing it will probably result in you getting laid—unless she’s a gold digger, in which case it will probably result in her leaving you for someone who will happily fork out for the real thing. Good riddance. Now you’re free to find a woman who is worth you taking her out and picking up the tab–from time to time. 

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

Here’s a quick guide on how to identify a gold-digger.

First of all, let me distinguish between a gold-digger and a woman who wants you to treat her to dinner from time to time. The difference is the “time to time.”

See, most women will want a man to take her out as a romantic gesture on occasion. Sorry, but it’s true; splitting absolutely everything all the time might be financially practical, but it’s not sexy.

What makes a woman a gold-digger, though, is that she’s made it her job to find a man to pay for everything. And when I say job, I mean that literally—in the same way that most of us get an actual job to make money, a gold-digger has made finding a rich man her means of “making” money.

In other words, for a gold-digger, having you take her out or buy her a gift isn’t a nice romantic treat. It’s her financial plan for life.

You can spot a gold-digger because her questions will be very materially oriented. For example, she will ask questions about what kind of car you drive, or she will comment on your clothing label (different than just a compliment on clothing like “nice shirt.”). A woman that’s genuinely seeking a romantic connection will be much more concerned with finding out about you and your personality.

So, you can screen out a gold-digger right away by finding about her and her personality. A gold-digger will typically be very fascinated with wealth and wealthy people and will talk about all the stuff she wants to have “one day,” but she works a low-paying job and seemingly has no career plans or aspirations to obtain said riches herself.

A gold digger will also throw out the names of expensive places to see if you’ll take the bait and say,“Yeah? You’d like to try that restaurant? I’ll take you there some time…”

That’s the sucker’s response.

A better response is something like, “Oh, I know a place that’s way less expensive but the food is actually better.” A gold-digger will be disappointed and move on to find a sucker. A non-gold-digger will likely be impressed by your knowledge of cool places to get good food without paying through the nose for it.

If you’ve already been on a few dates with her and she keeps dropping hints that she likes jewelry from Tiffany’s, you can respond with a low-budget gesture. Take her to Tiffany’s to get a Cracker Jack ring engraved.

Yes, that’s straight out of Breakfast at Tiffany’s and thus you doing it will probably result in you getting laid—unless she’s a gold digger, in which case it will probably result in her leaving you for someone who will happily fork out for the real thing. Good riddance. Now you’re free to find a woman who is worth you taking her out and picking up the tab–from time to time.

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#HowTo: Say the "right" thing

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Oh how I dreamed of being the guy who always said the right thing at the right time. I fantasized about being smooth, suave, and confident. However, the reality was that I was nervous; some of the time I said the wrong thing, and the rest of the time I couldn’t think of much to say at all. Thank God times have changed. However, I still often don’t know what to say, say the wrong thing, and rarely know the “right” thing to say. The interesting thing is I am successful now.

The fantasy of what we should be, what we should say, and how we should act is a very different thing from the reality of what works. The more I tried to be someone else with routines, fancy games, or even interesting questions, the less success I actually had. I realized what I really wanted was to be “me”, and I honestly had no idea how to do that. Trying to be myself in the past only lead me to a conversationally incapacitated nervous wreck. Getting some help on that front and attending a workshop was the first step. At least I knew where I was going. But the reality remained, what is the “right” thing to say for me, and how do I not run out of things to talk about.

Things started to click for me when I finally gave up caring about the “right” thing to say and instead just keep talking. A funny thing started happening; I said the wrong thing a lot. However, I started having success. In fact when I said something wrong, and confidently recovered from it, the conversation went better than before. That was when I realized that women don’t want someone so smooth that they never say the wrong thing, that’s actually a turn-off.

One of the strongest biological imperatives for women is to seek a provider/protector. Money and status are a couple of the things that indicate that. Another is the ability to be confident in stressful situations and when things go wrong. In fact a man who can keep his cool, stay positive and upbeat, all while everything is going to hell around him, indicates stronger than just about anything, that a man is a good provider/protector. One of the exercises we do in our workshops is have the class list some of the worst things they have ever heard or said in conversation and have each person recover as if they had just said that. Confidence is shown in a good recovery.

Another symptom of always trying to say the right thing, is not knowing what to say. The “right” thing filter is brutal in its censorship. I once met a man who could not make it through a sentence without stammering and having the conversation grind to a halt. This was a brilliant man, an astrophysicist. No one can convince me that this man was not smart enough to develop incredible conversational skills. The problem was that he was used to being smart and confident in his field. When he spoke in a professional setting people always stopped to listen. In a social situation though, he was trying so hard to say the “right” thing. He had felt what it was like to have people respond to his words and he wanted the same thing in his social interactions. That is too much pressure to put on everything that comes out of your mouth.

Stop censoring what you say. Yes you will make mistakes and say the wrong thing, but how are you supposed to know what works and what doesn’t, unless you make mistakes. You will eventually learn something more important, you don’t have to say the “right” thing. Listening fully to another person will give you more than enough to talk about, the second part of that is to try picking the first thing that comes to your mind and running with it. Whether that is your opener or your next statement, you can always recover if it comes out wrong.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com