#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Julie's Guide to Healing From a Heartbreak)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Sooooo....

Going through a breakup, huh? I'm sorry, because I have most definitely been there. As you can read through previous posts, I went through a pretty traumatic break up and made it through it. You can, too. I promise.

I want to make something CRYSTAL clear first! I would never, never tell anyone what they should NOT do in this type of situation. You will probably do something unhealthy or stupid in this phase. I won't judge you for it. All I can do is tell you what worked for ME. So here it is: Julie's Guide to Healing From a Heartbreak.

Step 1: Indulge the pain.

Eat some ice cream. Wear sweatpants. Hide under your comforter and cuddle with your cat. Take a day or two off of work. And cry, cry, cry. Watch Sex and the City. Call your mom and friends.

Step 2: Pamper (make yourself look hot).

As a consequence of Step 1, you may have put on a pound or two. (I was the opposite, I stopped eating until I dropped 15% of my weight and my hair started to fall out). Either way, if you look like shit, you're going to feel even worse about yourself and the whole situation. Here's where working out comes in handy. You look like shit and you're an emotional roller coaster. Take all of that emotional energy and work it out! Transfer the want to cry into running on a treadmill. Someday soon, you will want to start dating again. Think about all the new hot people you can date. Think about running over your ex's face a million times. Take that asshole! For me, I couldn't have gotten through the healing process without yoga and meditation.

Then go to a salon and get your hair cut/colored. Get your nails done. Get waxed. Get ready.

Step 3: Party like it's 1999.

I went out and partied. My God, did I party. I couldn't bear the thought of being home by myself. Be careful with your alcohol intake here. You owe yourself a couple of sloppy nights, but let's not give yourself something else to feel bad about.

Step 4: Forgive yourself for whatever stupid shit you did between Steps 1 through 3.

Step 5: Get your shit together.

I was always spot on when it came to paying all of my bills. I had this schedule that I would follow- pay a,b, and c the first half of the month and x,y, and z the second half. When my relationship ended, so did that. Shit got paid when it got paid. So take a breath and look around and see what you can clean up. Make sure you're performing as you should be at your job. Here I am a year and a half later and the other day I looked at my filing cabinet and realized that after all of this time, it was still a mess and that I really need to finally go through the stack that developed while I was nursing my wounds.

Step 6: See a therapist.

You don't have to see this person forever if you don't want to. Maybe it's just for two months. It might depend on how long the relationship was, if there was legal stuff to work through (divorce), children involved, how bad the betrayal was, etc. I couldn't shut the hell up during my recovery. All I could talk about was my ex. My poor mother listened to hours and hours of me verbally working through the littlest sentence my ex said or me ripping apart an incident in the past. Give your friends and family a break. The last thing they want to do is hurt you but they are tired of listening to you talk about your break up!! A neutral third party can help you to see what is really happening and help you to work through it.

Step 7: Work On You.

This can mean different things to everyone. For me it meant building out a network of friends. Discovering hobbies. Getting back to what made me, me.

Step 8: Have an Adventure.

I was sad. I wanted to feel happy. Short of doing drugs, this is the best method for getting away mentally for a bit from your problems. It made me feel alive at a time when I felt dead inside. It also really helped boost my self esteem because I felt like I woke up from a coma and I had missed out on life. Doing new stuff made me feel alive and exciting. Some of the adventures I went experienced include:

Zip lining in Asheville, NC
Partied for the first time in Las Vegas
Dancing on stage with Prince
Skydiving for my birthday

San Diego Comic Con (first time in SD and I slept in my car)

Step 9: Give Yourself Some Credit

I recently discovered the TV show Intervention and was so drawn in. I couldn't believe how these people were just willing to throw their lives away. And they had all of these people around them who loved them. One night I watched two episodes in a row and both of them focused on women who turned to drugs/alcohol after they lost their significant other. It shocked me and made me realize that I could have let myself fall apart. I could have just given up. I felt really silly about being proud of myself. But dude! I didn't let this ruin me. In fact, I'm happier than I have ever been. And you can be, too. 

Good luck!
Love, Julie

#nerdsunite

Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: The Break-Up

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There is no easy way to end a relationship with someone you care about. Someone usually gets hurt and the other usually feels a new sense of freedom. I have ended a few in my life, but usually my girlfriends, after dealing with my bullshit for so long, would finally just end it for me. For the most part, there are easier ways to deal with a breakup.

Perhaps if you would have kept your social circle, you would not have been dumped in the first place. Guys, try to keep in touch with your friends. When you ditch them for your new girlfriend, they will remember that. The minute you have devoted your entire life to your girlfriend is the minute you are swimming at sea. If and when the relationship fails, who is going to be there to get you hammered? Who is going to be there to help you make a fool of yourself while chasing new girls around?

Some guys will get a girlfriend and all of a sudden, they put on this holier than thou attitude and begin to blow their friends off. Yeah I know, your girlfriend thought they were immature, right? Well I have news for you. They are. They are your friends. They make up a part of your world that she is becoming a part of. If you think chasing women with your friends has to end when you have found your special sweetheart, you don’t! You can be the ultimate wing man for your buddies. You never know what is going to happen in your relationship so don’t write-off your boys.

If you were the one who was dumped, you will need to wash all existence of her off of your mind. Drop all contact with the ex. You can’t call her. You can’t ride past her house to see what she’s doing. Go ahead and get her off your twitter, facebook, etc. You will always have the urge to see what her status is or her latest stream of tweets, and you will justify it by saying that you are worried about her. Fool, she is moving on and you need to as well. One look at a status update about her recent date or visit from an old friend, and it is meltdown city.

You might have to visit some new bars or hangouts for a while. You don’t want to run into her on her night out with friends, blowing off steam and making out with random dudes. This will cause you to do something stupid. Trust me, I know. What you will rationalize is that you are an adult and you can handle it. “It’s totally cool.” What you will end up doing is about 14 shots of tequila to show how cool about it you are. All the while, you are puking your guts out in the restroom and she is crying about how much she is sorry. Sound fun?

The best thing that I can say to do is to channel that anger and energy into yourself. Get yourself back to the gym, buy some new clothes and try and sink into a new hobby for a while. You might just find yourself doing some things you never had the chance to do before and you might learn something new. The best part is, if you disappear for a while, she could think you are doing better than she is and will begin to want you back. If you succeed in moving forward, you might not want to have her back in your life so fast.

If you are the dumper, I recommend being honest with both yourself and her about why you are doing this and letting her know that you do care for her. Make sure that breaking up is truly what you want because if you are the one crawling back in two weeks, you are going to be one miserable man. She will own you and make it very tough on you. The message you could be sending is, “I felt I could do a lot better than you, but now that I was out there, I saw that I couldn’t and I am settling for you.” This is something no one wants to feel.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Last Week- I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

When we first flipped the calendar page to March, I got worried. I knew it was coming. I didn't know how I would feel.

On Tuesday, March 20, came the anniversary of the wedding that never was. I had a lot of thoughts in my head that day about the whole event. (Seriously, no one should ever have to return a wedding dress!) But something about those thoughts really surprised me. They weren't nearly as sad as I had been anticipating.

I actually didn't sit at my desk and think about myself in The Florida Keys, I didn't picture myself in my wedding dress or think about the party afterwards. Yes, of course it was a sad day, but what I actually thought about was my friends.

I thought about my friends and how grateful I am for all of them to be in my life. How they took care of me when I needed to be cared for most. One of my co-workers, Erica, let me spend half of March on her couch, which I will be eternally grateful for. She listened to me go on and on about my ex. She helped me to feel as though I wasn't alone. She lent me Eat, Pray, Love - the quintessential what do you do after your life falls apart book.

That friend and a couple of others, two that I had just met earlier in the month and are still good friends with to this day, got in our cars and drove out to Las Vegas to help distract me from the wedding that never was.

That Vegas trip was one of the best things I did for myself. It was my first time ever in Vegas. The four of us ended up meeting up with a bunch of coworkers that also happened to be in Vegas that weekend and we had ourselves a blast. I learned how to play Black Jack. I also fell in love with playing Black Jack. We partied in the Foundation Room at House of Blues and as I stared off at the spectacular view, I was scared but excited. I flirted and danced with some random dude that night for the first time in 8 years.

When the actual day came, I was heartbroken. And when 3:15pm PT came, the actual time we were supposed to be wed, I was crying. Erica layed down on my bed next to me and put her arms around me as I cried. Both of my parents called me to check on me that day.

Her and I went to a show that night and I was so grateful to not have to be alone and to be distracted. On the way back to LA we made sure to stop at Red Lobster (so wondrously tacky!) to eat some seafood and cheddar bay biscuits. The whole trip was so much fun!

I was so busy working last Tuesday that I forgot to get sad at 3:15pm PT. I didn't realize I had missed it until 3 hours later. And even then, I didn't get sad, I just reflected on how different my life is now and how amazing all of the people in my life are.

It wasn't easy, but due to being in sink or swim mode I turned off my social anxiety in order to survive. My life is so fulfilling now because I have so many wonderful people in it. And as the months have turned into a year, it's those friends and all of the new ones I have made that make my life what it is - great!

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

Meghan's Metamorphosis: How to not be a slob

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MsMeghanBrown

1. Hit rock bottom. Come home to a filthy kitchen and no clean clothes. Notice that your Internet's been turned off. Convince yourself you paid the bill. I mean, you remember writing the check, right? Oh, wait, no. You're out of checks. And stamps. Find the unpaid bill under a bunch of beer bottles that have been sitting on your counter for a few days. Muster some righteous indignation (and maybe a lie or two) as you prep to call the ATT&T people to get the Internet turned back on... then remember that you can't call them, because your phone's broken and you've been too lazy to take it in. Go take a shower to calm down. See that you're out of facewash. And soap. Wish for a fresh start. You're ready now. 

2. Do what you can, and do it quickly. Give yourself a half hour to clean as much as humanly possible. A half an hour isn't so bad, right? Clean the shit out of that half hour. Play Robyn's "Body Talk" album, put on a gross t-shirt and get in the zone. Run bags to the dumpster. Throw in that first load of laundry. Make a stack of unread mail. Put things in vaguely organized piles. 

3. Feel better already. Decide that cleaning isn't so bad. Cancel your plans to go to drinks with your friends. This is important. Clean for another hour. Scrub things. Throw stuff away. Go through those piles.

4. Wash your bedding. It's time. Seriously. Don't be gross. 

5. Feel oddly euphoric. It's not the bleach you're using to deep clean your tub (though, good job on that--way to take initiative). That freaky happy feeling? IT'S CALLED GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Enjoy it. Clean for however long it takes. Clean til it's done. 

6. Make the scary list. Now that your space is at least halfway decent, commit to the next level of not-slob. Sit down and take stock of every last thing you need to do to make your life work. No task is too big or too small. What still needs cleaning/organizing? What do you need to buy? What annoying tasks have you been procrastinating on?

7. Pick a day to be superhuman. Devote the whole day (THE WHOLE DAY) to your scary list. Get your car smog checked. Buy everything you're out of at Target. Wait in line at the post office to mail that weird annoying thing you've been forgetting to mail (and while you're at it, BUY THOSE STAMPS). Do some preemptive purchasing. Do you always run out of conditioner? Buy two bottles. Call in refills on prescriptions BEFORE you're already run out. Fill up your gas tank BEFORE you're at empty. Take this time to take care of the small annoyances. Does your printer not work? Take an hour and try to fix it. Send every last email. Make those annoying calls. 

8. Take legitimate stock of the worst parts of your life. What's your bank balance? How much do you owe on your credit card? When is your car registration due? Put every scary date into your calendar. Make a plan and stick to it. Not knowing is the world. 

8. Freak out on how good you feel. Make a healthy grown-up dinner. Do your dishes right away. Light a candle. Listen to music and read instead of defaulting to bad TV-on-the-Internet. Realize that the quality of your life is your responsibility. 

9. Accept the fact that this is a process. You're going to have to keep doing the work. A week of not being a slob doesn't mean anything. This is your life now. Make some rules. Now that you're caught up, you want to stay that way. Commit to small rituals. Open your mail every day. Pay every bill as soon as possible. Use Mint.com to track your budget. Remember what shambles your life was in just a week ago and vow never to go back. 

10. Keep that vow. Revel in your preparedness. Smile looking at your spotless floors. Yum. 

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Meghan on twitter

and check out her tumblr over yonder!