Meghan's Metamorphosis: How to not be a slob

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MsMeghanBrown

1. Hit rock bottom. Come home to a filthy kitchen and no clean clothes. Notice that your Internet's been turned off. Convince yourself you paid the bill. I mean, you remember writing the check, right? Oh, wait, no. You're out of checks. And stamps. Find the unpaid bill under a bunch of beer bottles that have been sitting on your counter for a few days. Muster some righteous indignation (and maybe a lie or two) as you prep to call the ATT&T people to get the Internet turned back on... then remember that you can't call them, because your phone's broken and you've been too lazy to take it in. Go take a shower to calm down. See that you're out of facewash. And soap. Wish for a fresh start. You're ready now. 

2. Do what you can, and do it quickly. Give yourself a half hour to clean as much as humanly possible. A half an hour isn't so bad, right? Clean the shit out of that half hour. Play Robyn's "Body Talk" album, put on a gross t-shirt and get in the zone. Run bags to the dumpster. Throw in that first load of laundry. Make a stack of unread mail. Put things in vaguely organized piles. 

3. Feel better already. Decide that cleaning isn't so bad. Cancel your plans to go to drinks with your friends. This is important. Clean for another hour. Scrub things. Throw stuff away. Go through those piles.

4. Wash your bedding. It's time. Seriously. Don't be gross. 

5. Feel oddly euphoric. It's not the bleach you're using to deep clean your tub (though, good job on that--way to take initiative). That freaky happy feeling? IT'S CALLED GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Enjoy it. Clean for however long it takes. Clean til it's done. 

6. Make the scary list. Now that your space is at least halfway decent, commit to the next level of not-slob. Sit down and take stock of every last thing you need to do to make your life work. No task is too big or too small. What still needs cleaning/organizing? What do you need to buy? What annoying tasks have you been procrastinating on?

7. Pick a day to be superhuman. Devote the whole day (THE WHOLE DAY) to your scary list. Get your car smog checked. Buy everything you're out of at Target. Wait in line at the post office to mail that weird annoying thing you've been forgetting to mail (and while you're at it, BUY THOSE STAMPS). Do some preemptive purchasing. Do you always run out of conditioner? Buy two bottles. Call in refills on prescriptions BEFORE you're already run out. Fill up your gas tank BEFORE you're at empty. Take this time to take care of the small annoyances. Does your printer not work? Take an hour and try to fix it. Send every last email. Make those annoying calls. 

8. Take legitimate stock of the worst parts of your life. What's your bank balance? How much do you owe on your credit card? When is your car registration due? Put every scary date into your calendar. Make a plan and stick to it. Not knowing is the world. 

8. Freak out on how good you feel. Make a healthy grown-up dinner. Do your dishes right away. Light a candle. Listen to music and read instead of defaulting to bad TV-on-the-Internet. Realize that the quality of your life is your responsibility. 

9. Accept the fact that this is a process. You're going to have to keep doing the work. A week of not being a slob doesn't mean anything. This is your life now. Make some rules. Now that you're caught up, you want to stay that way. Commit to small rituals. Open your mail every day. Pay every bill as soon as possible. Use Mint.com to track your budget. Remember what shambles your life was in just a week ago and vow never to go back. 

10. Keep that vow. Revel in your preparedness. Smile looking at your spotless floors. Yum. 

xo

-Meghan

#nerdsunite

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#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Editor's Note: Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancée after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss.

These Are The Unbelievably Fucked-Up Things I Think About.

I’ve already written about day dreaming about my wedding that never was. But when I’m sitting at my desk and my mind starts a wanderin’ there are many other completely delusional scenarios involving myself and my ex-fiancé that pop into my head.

Post-Terror Attack L.A.
After they executed Bin Laden, I got freaked out thinking about a retaliation from Al Qaeda on Los Angeles. I figure they already attacked New York, so it seems probable to me that they could go after LA since it is the 2nd largest market in the country and the source of the majority of our entertainment. Hell, I thought maybe they would blow up the iconic Hollywood sign. Then I melted reality with my sorrow and need to cling to the man I love so much.

This created a scenario in my mind that I’m not very proud of. I found myself actually hoping they would bomb LA! It could be a great excuse for my ex and I to get back together! I was (still am) hella depressed and when you are miserable you want everyone else to be to. Other people’s happiness just doesn’t matter when you’re this sad.

In one version I have just left work to go across the street to pick something up at CVS and as I am on my way back to work, it happens. I look back at the building I work in as it gets bombed.

Seriously Julie? The building you work in?! The one that contains 90% of your Los Angeles friends! Yes, because without them, there’s less people to judge me.

Time stands still as I stand there horrified at what I am seeing while simultaneously realizing how lucky I am to be alive. Then the scene snaps back into real time as chaos ensues: fire, smoke, sirens. The rest is a blur of me getting away safely until somehow, someway (cue 1950s dramatic movie music) my ex-fiancé and I find each other! He wipes the dust and dirt off of my face and then we passionately embrace, and realize how short life is and that we HAVE to be together. We also recognize that it’s the perfect excuse to get back together because no one in our lives will have the gall to call either one of us out for it because the bombing is such a sensitive topic.

There’s a similar outcome in my “One of us gets into a car accident” daydream.

Build Me Up Buttercup

Mallrats was and remains to this day one of my favorite movies of all time. It is also my ex’s. On our first date we went back to his place afterwards and I remember checking out his DVD collection (one of the first things I do once inside someone’s residence. That or their book collection). “Mallrats is my favorite movie!” I said. His eyes got really large and he turns to his best friend who was also hanging out, “Isn’t that also my favorite movie?” and his friend shook his head vigorously up and down. That was a big moment for both of us, especially for him. I guess it’s not often that you come across a girl that says her favorite movie is the one that is your favorite movie, especially when it’s Mallrats (male humor: comics, pot, crazy antics).

We’ve had a couple ‘getting back together’ talks, about what each of us would require of the other to do so. I told him a big gesture from him would be in order. I need to feel that he’s willing to do something crazy to get me back. The crumbling of a relationship takes two. I know what I did wrong, but he cheated and that’s all people see. I told him he would have to win over the people in my life, too.

Hence, this fucked up day-dream: I dream about him recreating the end scene in Mallrats in an effort to get me back.

How he get’s a stage and a microphone, I don’t know! That detail doesn’t matter, it’s for him to figure out and orchestrate.

Brodie (him):”You. All right, I believe you have something that belongs to me.”
Shannon (some random dude I’m dating?):”Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Brodie (him):”Not you, Asshole. The girl. You have my heart.”
Rene (me):”What can I say? I love the retard.”

And then he brings me onstage and making out ensues. Maybe he even has a new engagement ring for me!

Here in Reality
Me at my desk thinking about God knows what.

After having many day-dreams of this caliber I realized that I needed to put a plan into action. You cannot sit at your desk every day crying - bosses and co-workers only have so much patience. I came up with a plan for blocking day dreams. At any given point in the work day I can have any combination of the following programs/sites running:

• Netflix (needs to be something I have already seen so I don’t need to actually look at the screen)
• AIM
• Grooveshark (Do not play Boyz II Men’s “End Of The Road”!)
• This American Life (not the Valentine’s Day episode or the one about cheaters)
• my Hotmail, gmail or AOL (lol, don’t judge, it’s my spam account) email accounts
• Mashable.com
• OKCupid (confidence booster)
• facebook (for stalking and wasting time)
• a notepad doc open for writing posts
• various news websites (MSN,CNN)
• Playing Words with Friends on my phone
• turntable.fm (new obsession)

AAAAnd I have to take a walk around 4-5:00 almost everyday to calm my mind down.

The shocking part is that all of the above actually helps me work more since I’m not getting sad.

Anything to keep me from thinking about non-reality.

#nerdsunite