#TalkNerdyToMeLover’s @JenSquard
Find Part 1 here, you really should read it first. Okay, so deep breath, here we go. After we called home to break things off, I was thinking holy crap, this is happening! I just made the biggest life change, and all after knowing this dood for two weeks. But I honestly never had any doubts. I enjoyed my time with him so much that I never thought about what we would do in Ecuador in the middle of a very isolated cloud forest if we were to change our minds. That’s really the only way to live life, just feel it, do it, and worry about things as they happen. And oh, do things happen.
Everything went great for the first couple of weeks in our new research station. We spent tons of time in the forest exploring, and tons of time...well...exploring other things. He made me laugh constantly, I felt sexy and alive with him. We talked a little bit about our exes, but not tons. The first time we ventured in to the next city over, about an hour’s bus ride away, we found the phone company and started making calls home. I talked to my mom, which was the first time I had in a few weeks. I explained what was going on, and she just acknowledged the fact that I’m insane, but happiness is happiness. We got done with our calls at about the same time, but he didn’t look impressed. He said, “I talked to Tara (the ex). She’s pregnant.” Now, before we get into emotions, I don’t know why he called Tara. He said his parents didn’t answer, so he called her. To this day I’m not convinced that he broke up with her in that first phone call.
Anyways, what do you even say to that? My entire chest just fell out of my body and hit the ground. I couldn’t breathe, and I sure as hell couldn’t talk. I didn’t feel like I had the right to ask any questions - we were sooo new, and they had history. We shed a couple of tears together, and I asked what he was going to do. He said stay with her, what else can I do? Even writing this just takes me down to nothing. I had said goodbye to my life for this man. I had three more months in incredibly tight quarters with this man. I was drowning.
I spent the next several days at a different reserve, just trying to regroup and get my mind around things. I wrote and wrote and wrote, hoping it would give me some clarity. I spent all of my time alone, earbuds in and Christina Aguilera cranked up. I wandered aimlessly through amazing scenery, catching some of the world’s most beautiful and rare butterflies, and none of it could bring me present. I didn’t think she was pregnant. She is a small town girl, and they are notorious for faking pregnancies to get boyfriends back. I hated her so much for that, but of course I didn’t know for sure. I just assumed. And I hated him for staying with her. Yeah, that’s the “right” thing to do. Whatever, follow society’s rules, I guess if that’s what makes you happy.
When I finally got back to my regular housing, things were weird for a while. I told him I was fine with it, and would support him in whatever he wanted to do. I lied. I still loved him fiercly, and wasn’t going to just forget that. Slowly things got back to us. He obviously still had major feelings for me, and eventually we reconnected. It was so perfect and so naughty, which makes it so much more intense. Things seemed to be back on track, but he wasn’t able to make any decisions about what he wanted to do. We headed back into town, and as soon as we got there he told me he was going to be with her. I got to sit back and watch him shut me out, call her, send her flowers, and become a different person. This back and forth happened a lot. In the big city he was hers. In the jungle he was mine. He told me he would tell her about me, but I didn’t believe him. He would tell me he made a choice, then change his mind when we got to town. I saw him email her things like “I’ll always love you.” What the fuck, man?
I’m not one of those girls that gets jerked around, either. I don’t tolerate bullshit like that, and I have never just given a pass in a situation like this. I’m awesome and I have a ton to offer, so if you aren’t going to jump on board, definitely your loss. But this guy, I couldn’t shake him. I couldn’t move on. I very very clearly could see a future with him, I could see so much potential...I saw the man he could be, and the woman he could make me be. So it went back and forth, he was with me, he was with her. It hurt so bad, and I would get sooo mad at him for playing these games. I remember slapping him straight across the face in the middle of a city block, and all of the Ecuadorian men in the area staring at me in shock. But he was killing me!
At the end of summer, we decided to go to the coast and check out the ocean (which I had never seen before). He paid my way, I took care of him when he got super sick on the way there, and we had an amazing time. That week was awesome - and he said he was finally ready to commit to me. He was going to end things with her, and we were going to go home and be together. Elated isn’t even a strong enough word to describe things. Perfection.
I have a vidid memory of riding in a cab on the way to the airport, and mentioning her pregnancy. He gave me a strange look, but said we would figure things out when we had to. We got home a week before my birthday. We spent the first couple of days with our families, then he headed off to his parent’s house in the town he and Tara were from, and I headed to the town we both lived in. We talked on the phone a lot, and he told me he couldn’t wait to come home and see me. The day of my birthday came, and he said he wasn’t going to be able to make it down to see me, but the next day for sure. I told him I loved him, he said he did too, and we made plans to see each other.
The next day we talked when he was on his way home. I told him to just swing by my mom’s and pick me up on the way to his house, it was right on the way. He gave me some strange excuse about going to his house first, then getting me later. It was weird, but whatever. I put together a little gift for him and waited to hear from him. I didn’t. I called and called. And called. I left message after message. I finally said, fine, I’m coming over. That’s when I got a response. We talked, and I said, “She’s there, isn’t she?” “Yes.” “Did you sleep with her?” “Yes.”
Ooooh, things got heated at that point. My temper...not good. I slammed the phone down so hard I broke it. I told my mom what was going on, and she tried to get me to calm down and not do anything crazy, but I got the temper from her, so it wasn’t working. I was shaking. I’m shaking right now just remembering.
I went over there, noticed a bunch of her stuff in his car, went inside, and started letting him have it. What the fuck is your problem? You are so worthless, and I don’t understand how you can keep doing something like this! Seriously, I don’t get it. Why did you lie? Man up and tell me. It was after I punched him that she came out. First of all, not cute. She told me I needed to back off. Not smart. She saw the crazy flash across my face, and I’m sure I said something along the lines of hush it up if you don’t want to get smacked. She did. I showed him the gift I put together for him, and told him that if she wasn’t pregnant I would punch her right in the face, too. I left, and he slammed the door behind me. The sound of that door slamming is something that I will never forget.
I sat in my car and cooled down a bit. I left him a note saying to call me when he’s done being an idiot. We talked later, and I went over there to sort through our pictures. He started doing the back and forth thing again, and I let him. Again. I can’t tell you why. I can’t even begin to explain why I would put myself in that situation and not move on. It’s crazy, and looking back on it, I don’t get it. I just knew what we were supposed to be, and wasn’t willing to let go of that. It turns out she wasn’t pregnant anymore, so that’s a plus.
Eventually her crazy got to be too much, so he broke it off with her. If this was the end of the story, it wouldn’t be as bad. What kills me, and really really hurts, is that he knew she wasn’t pregnant from the beginning. He thought she was for a couple of weeks, but found out she just “thought” she was pregnant. He used it as an easy out with me. He was too scared to make the major life change that I was so willing to do for him. Even though he felt the same, and could see the future that I could see, he wasn’t strong enough to fight for it like I was. He held on to that as an excuse to leave me if something didn’t go right. And the pain of that is still WAY intense, and that was 6 1/2 years ago. I’m not convinced that the hurt of the betrayals, lies and having sex with someone else on my birthday will ever go away.
On a happier note, things did get better. I was so right about us, and I’m really glad that I stuck with things. We got married a couple of years later, and now have three awesome kids. There are still bad days when I just hate him for everything we went through, and how hard I had to fight. But dwelling on it definitely doesn’t take it back. He's an excellent husband, better than any I know, and a great father. So all the hard work, heartbreak and gallons of tears were worth it. I have never fully told this story to anyone. Brian is amazing, and I have never wanted anyone to think differently of him, but I'm letting go of all of that now. *deep breaths....in....out....in.....out...*
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Friday, February 4, 2011 at 8:11AM
