Life of a #lifecaster - how I'm feeling about things.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Lately I’ve been feeling...uh...unimpressed?  I don’t know what the best way to put it is.  I feel kind of like I am floating on my own out here in the lifecasting world.  I haven’t talked to @JenFriel much since I called turned the tables with the calling out shenanigans (here), so I’m feeling a little alone.  Jen and I are so wildly different, which I think is why bringing me on works, but I often feel like a very ill-fitting piece to this machine.  

I am a definite nerd....but a different kind of nerd.  Not a tech nerd like so many seem to be, but a science nerd.  Unfortunately right now I’m not a practicing scientist, I’m a photographer, so nerding out over something that isn’t a major part of my day to day life is a challenge.    

While my posts get retweeted and shared on Facebook a bunch (which thanks for that, by the way!), I don’t get much for response or reach out...I know that shouldn’t be a factor, but it is, and it is hard to know if I am alone or resonating with someone.  I don’t even know if any of this is making sense to anyone, either, it’s just the way I am feeling.

I’m not asking for anything, and I do appreciate the platform and the support, and I definitely am enjoying the blogging...I just feel like an outsider that is trying to squeeze into a mold that may or may not be there.  It seems like TNTML is going in a different direction, and I’m just feeling a little lost.  

Would love to hear from you if you have some input: @JenSquard

#Fears 3 & 4 - looking like a wimp and being judged.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Fears 3 and 4 are similar, so I’m going to lump those together. My fear of looking like a wimp, and my fear of judgement.  I wasn’t treated great by my dad, especially after the age of 11 or 12.  I’m pretty sure he wanted boys, so he did his best to raise my sister and I like boys.  He would say things like never start a fight, but you better finish it.  Or why do you complain so much?  He encouraged my sister and I to fist fight, and we weren’t allowed to have pain, sickness or needs.  

When I was in high school I developed a severe case of bursitis in my shoulder from playing volleyball and the violin.  It was incredibly painful, and there wasn’t much that could be done for it.  So I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it.  I remember walking through Kmart with him one day, and I walked behind him the entire time because tears of pain were streaming down my face, and I knew if he saw he would publicly humiliate me.  Pain, weakness and needs were very much looked down on.  Weak people don’t succeed, and whining about things only makes the people around you suffer.  To this day I rarely complain about pain, and I never cry about it.  Honestly, I had a terrible birth experience, surgery on my naughty bits, and two c-sections.  I try to just suck it up and move on.  I am still not okay with looking weak.  I have survived a lot, and my life has always been difficult - I am tough as hell, and want people to see that.  I now understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak.  I’m okay with vulnerability.  Weakness, not so much.

All of these things with my dad also compound me not wanting to be judged.  The older I get the more I’m okay with it.  I’m getting better at owning myself, and being okay with my weirdness, my choices and my faults.  That will be a lifelong battle, as it is for everyone.  What I really have a hard time with is judgements over things that aren’t a choice.  I can’t stand racism, even though as a white woman it doesn’t so much affect me.  Race is not a choice.  Neither is sexual orientation, so don’t judge.  Being trashy is a choice, so if I’m being a trashwhore, judge away.  But if I’m choosing not to eat spicy food because it eats holes in my mouth, that’s not really a choice.  Don’t judge me for it.  Or do...but understand that I am going to fight back with a massive amount of ferocity.  

My choices are my choices, and I made them with the best intentions.  Agree or disagree, I don’t care either way.  Just know that while I love input, my choices are still my choices.  And unless they are affecting your life, you don’t really get to be bothered by them, do you?  I suppose I don’t fear being judged, I just hate it.  Really hate it.  It makes me mad mad mad.  

How do you feel about it?  I would love your opinion on this one.
Twitter.com/jensquard
Facebook.com/jenswedhinphotography
mangotreelover@hotmail.com

#BabySteps - My 9 Fears

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

After Jen told me she thought I was in a rut, it really took me down.  Like immediately.  I felt like I was doing good, I have been sharing and getting raw (seriously, the cheating post took so much out of me that I was hurting for days after writing it).  I don't get incredibly raw with every single thing I post, because not everything I post calls for that.  I thought I was doing good, and finding out that I'm not hitting the mark just cut me. 

Jen asked me to look into my fears, so I did.  I consider myself a pretty fearless person (oh my god, I am totally scared of alligators, but what can you do about that? I would totally touch one if I had the chance, but I don't want to think about that right now).  I will do just about anything, eat anything, say anything...I go for it.  I honestly do.  I can't remember a time when an opportunity was presented that I didn't take because of a fear.  Actually I can - in Ecuador in 2004 our entire group got the chance to swing on a vine in the rainforest.  Actual thick amazing vine hanging from a tree.  But I passed.  I didn't think I would be strong enough, and I didn't want to accidentally let go and fall in front of everyone.  Totally totally regret it to this day.  Things make me uncomfortable, but I like the growth of facing it.  But I have some emotional fears....and once I started listing them, I knew I found the right one when acknowledging them broke me down. 

This is a kind of discomfort that I have a hard time facing.  I had a shitty dad, and most of these stem from him.  I didn't get the chance to grow, and messing up or saying the wrong thing often held significant consequences.  I was belittled CONSTANTLY, and humiliation was just the way our day went.  When I had my first real boyfriend in high school, my dad made him go to dinner with us (he took us to Wendy's, thanks for going all out), and while we were standing in line with tons of people around us, he made sure to point out that I inherited a family trait - a mustache.  Devastating for a 14 year old girl in front of her 17 year old boyfriend.  Pretty typical, though.  So here are my nine fears.  I'll explore one every day.  I think more than that will wreck me for the month, and I still have to function.  Unlike today where I was useless - apparently being told you aren't living up to expectations while being on your period during a full moon is a recipe for disaster. 

#1 - failing

#2 - not being accepted

#3 - looking like a wimp

#4 - being judged

#5 - disappointing

#6 - Brian dying

#7 - losing a child

#8 - being a waste of a person

#9 - being poor forever

Before I get started, I want to point out that I know some of these things are silly to some people.  I understand that they don't define me and I should move on, or just disregard them.  It doesn't work that way, though.  Having these fears and feelings embarrasses me, and makes me feel like a puss, so just ignoring them and knowing they are unfounded isn't going to make things better.  Just a disclaimer.  Having said that, I could use some support through this journey...it isn't going to be easy.

Shoot me a tweet and let me know your thoughts: @JenSquard

I'm just feeling #lame.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am feeling so many emotions lately.  I am stressed about my upcoming wedding expo, but also excited at the prospect of gaining new clients.  It is scary because I might be sinking tons of money into this and only get one wedding booked, but business is risk, I suppose.

I have been feeling very not confident in my photography lately, which way bums me out.  I get good feedback, but it’s not so much that.  Actually, it’s really stupid, and I hate to say it, but it is what it is.  I started my business at the same time as another girl in town, and we became friends.  We helped each other a lot, learned together, and grew together.  We are at about the same point in our business, and we have the same skill sets.  Our work is pretty similar, quality is the same, comparable equipment....yet she has over 800 Facebook likes, and I have less than 400.  I know that doesn’t mean much, but actually it does.  Social media is everything now, and that is how I get the majority of my clients.  I just don’t get it...and it is really taking a toll on me.  And I’m embarrassed that I even feel that way, but I do so I might as well acknowledge it.

Another thing I feel lame about is the TNTML community.  I feel like a total outsider.  Maybe it’s because I’m newer, or maybe because I started lifecasting right as everyone had to stop contributing so much after the hack.  Or maybe I’m just being a tard, but whatever it is I feel not so accepted and for the first time in my life that actual matters to me.  

I know life is reflective and I shouldn’t need validation and whatnot...but it is what it is.  I am putting every single little piece of my soul into my business and lifecasting, so of course these things are hardcore painful.  It’s parts of my soul that just aren’t good enough.  It’s feels like me failing at being a person, not just at being a photographer.  And I’m totally not even failing...I just am not feeling good enough.  Not a feeling I am used to, and not a feeling I am okay with.  I’m just not sure how to look past it.

Feel free to share your thoughts: @JenSquard

The life of a #lifecaster ... keep on keepin on

I get a lot of emails, tweets, and general messages on unidentified platforms anytime I seem "off." It makes me smile, realizing that I am doing my job. My job as a lifecaster is to be able to tell a story across social media in real time, while putting all of the pieces together on this blessed little website enabling you to live vicariously through my eyes. That's it.

I don't ever judge things as being good or bad. Some days I have higher energy days than others ... usually pretty dependent upon the amount of Diet Dr. Pepper I've been chugging ... but other than that, it has nothing to do with you. I appreciate your support, but I say as humbly as possible that it defeats the purpose of the experiment. It's real life, in real time peppered with nothing but real and raw emotions. For me, it keeps me sane and creates accountability for the thoughts in my head ... but again, it has nothing to do with you. I appreciate you all reading, and if you can take something away from it - AWESOME! But I'd still be doing it anyway. There really is no "good" or "bad" day in my world; I am just grateful that there is a day to even associate with. Yay the sun for rising today! Good job, beyotch!

For as extroverted as I am, I am definitely equally introverted. I just do my own thing. I have no idea the psychological ramifications of that decision, but I dig it - so I'm just going to go with it. I like processing these thoughts in my brain free of others. I spent my entire life doing everything I was told, and appeasing others. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm over it. Again, its either the craziest thing I've ever done - or the sanest. I'm still conducting the social experiment, so I dunno. I can say though, its looking pretty good.

I just don't find people that often that I can relate to on an emotional level. It sucks actually, a lot. Dude, I'm just a weirdo Deniro that I can meet anyone, anywhere, and find like ground ... but when it comes to a solid connection, those are few and far between. People are attracted to your energy when you're doing your own thing - but it sucks because you have to weed through hundreds to find 1 that you click with.

I can be in a room filled with 100 people wanting to talk to you, but sometimes I just don't have anything to say back. It's an energy thing. You can feel when it resonates, and when it doesn't - I'm done. I just walk away. It's that whole no attachment thing, can rub a LOT of people the wrong way.

It's just part of the job that I signed up for. I make no excuses for it, but just try to explain how I am processing it all. Thanks again for the messages though - I do read them.

Got something to say?

Here's my Twitter: @JenFriel

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(just tweet me before you come by please)

Facebook my butt: Facebook.com/JenFriel

or get all old school and email me: jenfriel@talknerdytomelover.com

xoxo #nerdsunite