<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
Looky looky what was tweeted to me earlier today ...
IT'S MY OLD LIVEVIDEO PACK!!!
@ejeremy was literally one of the dudes that changed my life. He hired me back in the day, to work for Brad Greenspan (one of the founders of Myspace), as a personality on his new site LiveVideo. My handle was PhotoJeNic, a nickname that my friend Vega gave me. Yeah, 2007 man, we were lifecasting. Waaayyyyyy ahead of the curve. I literally remember conversations with Jeremy joking about being able to one day do this on our phones, and yada yada.
Dude, epic - this is making my LIFE!
I used to walk around Los Angeles with this thing strapped to my back, and even velcroed to the visor of my beetle. It's a netbook, a USB based web cam, and it ran off of a sprint air card. I never ever ever ever ever showed anyone what the pack actually looked like, because I didn't want to admit that I was in fact a plant on the site. I so so so so so sooooo genuinely enjoyed what I was doing that I thought if people thought I got paid, it would cheapen my experience. I kid you not, working for LiveVideo changed everything for me. I "got" things so much faster being there, and watching people talk about social media before there was even a title for it. Nuts! Insane! and AHMAZING!!
So so so so so thankful for my experience at LiveVideo, because it was those skills that taught me what to do, and what not to do when it came to launching a site.
HAHA oh good lord, my intro video makes me cringe. I love it, totally takes me back - but good lord. I could never go through the archives ... too much, haha! Too much!
THANK YOU SO MUCH JEREMY!!! TOTALLY MADE MY DAY!! xoxox
After questioning whether TNTML was the right fit a little while ago, @JenFriel told me I should take a break - just get my thoughts back in order, get out of my head, and unleash my feelings on my own blog. So I did that - I wrote about why I thought lifecasting here was a strange fit here. I took some time not only away from lifecasting and posting, but from social media in general. I still updated a little bit, and kept up with things, but I spent far less time on the interwebs, and social media in general, than I normally do. I took this last weekend off completely - headed into the mountains away from technology, and did a hard reset of my brain. I came back today prepared to pick up where I left off, and found this:
That is where my link used to be. I’ve been replaced. I’m fine with that, I really am. This is Jen’s site and brand, and she can definitely do what she wants with it. But I guess I just thought that I deserved an email...or a text....or something. I haven’t talked to Jen since I wrote about feeling funky, and while she wants to make sure that I know this isn’t a punishment for saying how I feel, I sure feel like it is. Actually, it feels like I’m in middle school again, and my best friend found a cooler girl to be friends with, so she just completely stopped talking to me. Now I’m just waiting for the rumors that I pee the bed. I am now very much aware that “let loose on your own Tumblr, I can’t be offended” and “take a break and come back refreshed” means something different than I thought.
I love lifecasting, but TNTML has changed a TON, especially in the last several months. I’m not comfortable here anymore, and I know it’s because I’m not 100% proud of the site. I understand that that doesn’t really concern me, and that I am a good fit because I am so different...but putting the most intimate details of your life into the world is hard enough. You also have to understand that I jumped into this with no lifecasting or blogging experience - and that is crazy. It’s a hard skill to learn on the fly, and I firmly believe that you can’t ask someone to do something differently if you are unwilling to give them any feedback or guidance.
So I guess this is goodbye. I have some ideas jumbling in my head for a blog of my own, so watch for that. I’ll probably keep contributing here, just a lot less frequently, and a lot less personally. I would like to thank you all for the support, and for allowing me the platform - this has been a great chapter of my life, and I have really enjoyed my time here. I’m still a nerd, I’m still a mom, and I’m still awesome.
K ... first off, this is a response post. First, view the original here. It's kosher ... I'll wait right here. Doop dee doo. Blah blee blah.
Awesome, back? Cool! I feel for Jen. I really do. I popped on FB chat when I read what she wrote to make sure she was alrite.
I'm weird. I'm different. But I make no mistake about what I want, and going after getting it. I CAN'T talk to Jen a lot. It's lifecasting ... this is my life, that is hers. It's rad! You all were complaining over and over that I was bitching so much about being single and going against the family grain, that I found a chica that chose that life - and offered her a platform to speak out on about it. I can't hold hands, and I can't say "good job!" That's not lifecasting. It's only first hand reporting on what you are experiencing in real time. Don't like my bitching? Awesome! Check out the shoe being on the other foot, and see if the grass is any greener.
I never felt accepted or part of anything in my entire life. True story, growing up - I was a TOTAL black sheep. In high school, I never had a clique - I was friendly with everyone, which is kind of weird because you never really feel "accepted," you're just sort of there. I went through a lot of best friends growing up, and wound up being a complete loner. I had to learn how to amuse myself, and survived by going on a series of little adventures. Get it? I got older, I never grew up. I'm still that same person. However, the only difference is, is that I created an entirely new mold.
Since I didn't fit in anywhere, I took literally all of the weird shit that I enjoyed, broke it all down, and created a website. By putting myself out there, it built a community of weird ass like minded people. (Remember there being only 9 different types of people in this world? I'm not special, only awesome.) I knew how to manipulate things though online to attract the people exactly like me.
That is what lifecasting is about Jen. Creating your own mold, and OWNING IT! Who are you? I shouldn't have to tell you that. Nor should you ever turn to me and ask! I understand that because this is my brand, things might look different for you ... but its not! Respect that I will manage the brand accordingly and tell you when things aren't working.
I had asked Jen a little while back to create her own tumblr account to just vent thoughts on, that way she wasn't blocked creatively from being afraid to say certain things ... even about me ... dude, you can't offend me! Go at it! Let it out! RAWWRRRR!!!!
I can't tell you if you're ever on the right track, I can only say that if you have to ask me, you're on the wrong train. Does this sound nuts? Prolly! But I know it works. I don't know much in this world, but that I DO know ... and people are attracted to it.
I've asked Jen to just take a breather for a bit, and said this was by no means a "punishment" or anything weird for reaching out. It was more a matter of catching your breath, or checking your prescription glasses. I won't settle for crap on this site, and I recognize in her state, she's going to keep swimming in a circle not knowing how to get out, and frankly, I have no idea what to tell her. But I do know that the mind is phenomenally powerful, and when Jen finds her creative inspiration and lets out a few of those blocks - it's gonna be itchin to be bitchin.
We all love you Jen! We'd never think of you as being "ill fitting" or "different." We're a community BASED on being different.
You just have to own it, babe! There is no good or bad, up or down, left or right ... only is and is not.
Here ... I have a song for you:
K .... now back to being balls deep in SEO ... ARRGHHHH!!!
Lately I’ve been feeling...uh...unimpressed? I don’t know what the best way to put it is. I feel kind of like I am floating on my own out here in the lifecasting world. I haven’t talked to @JenFriel much since I called turned the tables with the calling out shenanigans (here), so I’m feeling a little alone. Jen and I are so wildly different, which I think is why bringing me on works, but I often feel like a very ill-fitting piece to this machine.
I am a definite nerd....but a different kind of nerd. Not a tech nerd like so many seem to be, but a science nerd. Unfortunately right now I’m not a practicing scientist, I’m a photographer, so nerding out over something that isn’t a major part of my day to day life is a challenge.
While my posts get retweeted and shared on Facebook a bunch (which thanks for that, by the way!), I don’t get much for response or reach out...I know that shouldn’t be a factor, but it is, and it is hard to know if I am alone or resonating with someone. I don’t even know if any of this is making sense to anyone, either, it’s just the way I am feeling.
I’m not asking for anything, and I do appreciate the platform and the support, and I definitely am enjoying the blogging...I just feel like an outsider that is trying to squeeze into a mold that may or may not be there. It seems like TNTML is going in a different direction, and I’m just feeling a little lost.
Would love to hear from you if you have some input: @JenSquard
Fears 3 and 4 are similar, so I’m going to lump those together. My fear of looking like a wimp, and my fear of judgement. I wasn’t treated great by my dad, especially after the age of 11 or 12. I’m pretty sure he wanted boys, so he did his best to raise my sister and I like boys. He would say things like never start a fight, but you better finish it. Or why do you complain so much? He encouraged my sister and I to fist fight, and we weren’t allowed to have pain, sickness or needs.
When I was in high school I developed a severe case of bursitis in my shoulder from playing volleyball and the violin. It was incredibly painful, and there wasn’t much that could be done for it. So I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I remember walking through Kmart with him one day, and I walked behind him the entire time because tears of pain were streaming down my face, and I knew if he saw he would publicly humiliate me. Pain, weakness and needs were very much looked down on. Weak people don’t succeed, and whining about things only makes the people around you suffer. To this day I rarely complain about pain, and I never cry about it. Honestly, I had a terrible birth experience, surgery on my naughty bits, and two c-sections. I try to just suck it up and move on. I am still not okay with looking weak. I have survived a lot, and my life has always been difficult - I am tough as hell, and want people to see that. I now understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. I’m okay with vulnerability. Weakness, not so much.
All of these things with my dad also compound me not wanting to be judged. The older I get the more I’m okay with it. I’m getting better at owning myself, and being okay with my weirdness, my choices and my faults. That will be a lifelong battle, as it is for everyone. What I really have a hard time with is judgements over things that aren’t a choice. I can’t stand racism, even though as a white woman it doesn’t so much affect me. Race is not a choice. Neither is sexual orientation, so don’t judge. Being trashy is a choice, so if I’m being a trashwhore, judge away. But if I’m choosing not to eat spicy food because it eats holes in my mouth, that’s not really a choice. Don’t judge me for it. Or do...but understand that I am going to fight back with a massive amount of ferocity.
My choices are my choices, and I made them with the best intentions. Agree or disagree, I don’t care either way. Just know that while I love input, my choices are still my choices. And unless they are affecting your life, you don’t really get to be bothered by them, do you? I suppose I don’t fear being judged, I just hate it. Really hate it. It makes me mad mad mad.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 9:13PM
