Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (Date Night?)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

Here we sit on the Eve of June and I can't remember the last time I actually went on a real date.  Well, that's probably not true.  I can remember a couple of months ago when a girl that I met on OkCupid asked if she could smoke speed at my house.  Now that's what I call "Speed Dating!"  (Hit the drum and the symbol.  Perfect, thanks.)

Before that I went out with a girl for the second time and she invited me over to her house to play Scene It!  Considering that I'm the master of movie trivia, I'm all for a good game of Scene It, but I hardly thought that all she wanted to do was play trivia.  I don't know, maybe don't invite a date over until you're ready to not put up the stop sign when I make a move? 

Needless to say, this hasn't exactly been how I'd plan my 2012 to go in the search for love.  So now that we're getting closer to the middle of the last year of the Mayan calendar and I get dangerously close to thirty, I figured it was about time to try it out again.  Last week, in a feeble attempt to run an experiment, I sent out a bunch of OkCupid messages.  These weren't copy/paste jobs like I did on my English papers in college.  I actually ran with the same tips that Jen Friel has consistently given on what kind of message to send an online dater, picking out a specific part of the profile and making the message short and sweet.  The results weren't good.

Not a single date or prospect came from that experiment and I was even more discouraged after I ran it than before, when my only discouragement came from actual in-person dating fails.  Now I had both offline and online fails to hang my head over!  Ya know, no big deal, I just kind of like to fail like a boss.

Finally, a few days after I ran through OkCupid like a rabbit in a carrot factory, I settled down and re-collected myself and my ego.  There wasn't necessarily anything wrong with me (at least no more than before) and we can't force the issue.  As I've been doing for the past year and a half, I had to remember to focus on myself and improve myself.  We can't control what others do but we can certainly control ourselves.  We can shape our present, improve our future, and learn from our past.  That's what I had to do.  That's what I have to do.

My experiment was a failure in finding love, or even a gosh-darn-date, but it wasn't a failure.  I learned that picking up a hundred darts and chucking them in the vicinity of a dart board is no way to become a dart champion on ESPN the Ocho.  The only way to win at a game like that is to master throwing just one and getting it right and then repeating.

I calmed myself and perused OkCupid again and sent out maybe one or two messages.  Shortly thereafter I got a reply and exchanged a few messages with this girl, who I will be meeting tonight for my first date in months.  I've buried myself in my writing and my work and ignored my dating life but I can't simply ignore it forever because what the hell do I have to write about if I'm not living?  Fashion?  I don't know anything about fashion! 

I have no idea if this girl will be someone I see again and I can't predict the future, but I can focus on today and at the very worst I'll learn something, just like how I learned that if you pick up a handful of darts at once you're bound to bleed.  You have to take it one throw at a time.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (This Year On The Fatchelor)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS

This Year On The Fatchelor

The Fatchelor: Kenny Stein

Stats: Kenny is a tall one at 6'6", 230 lbs

Occupation: Fixes computers at a major shipping corporation by day, writes about sports, sex, dating, movies, writing and whatever else he wants to write about at night... also sometimes at day.  Not a "writer in Hollywood" like every other person, I get paid for writing, just not very much yet.

Strengths: Good sense of humor, good at mingling with strangers, not afraid to go to a movie or an event by myself and make friends, personable, smart, creative, has seen every episode of almost any show that’s worth watching, and while I wouldn't say that my movie quoting ability is "endless" I would say that it's like saying that the Grand Canyon isn't technically endless. 

I smell good, I'm tall, and I'll fight anyone in the honor of my family, friends, and loved ones that deserves a fight even though I have only been in one fight in my life and I lost.  I work hard at my passion and my passion is writing.  Confidence was always an issue in my life but when I knew that being a writer was what I am, I gained a supreme amount of confidence in my writing.  For example: I think that I'm going to travel to Thailand someday but I KNOW that I will be a well-known professional writer and my main goal is to create my own television show.

Weaknesses: I clean my room even though I know that I should just pick up after myself in the first place.  When I was at a restaurant one time meeting my (now ex) girlfriends friends for the first time, I overheard one of the dudes say "He's kind of a weird-looking kid,"  I told her what he said and she didn't believe me and it became a huge dramatic ordeal.  All of a sudden I am pissed at her and not the guy that called me weird looking, though he can still go fuck himself.  What's the weakness?  Yeah, I might be a bit weird-looking and also, I turn into the hulk if someone questions my ability to be good, to be normal, and especially when they don't believe me because I'm very honest and terrible at lying.  I don't even try to lie anymore because I'm so bad at it.  Sometimes I get lazy and put some weight back on but I'll never be obese again.  I smoke but I'm going to quit this year.  I drink but I don't "get nuts" anymore like I did in college.  I'm probably a sex addict or something.

The Fatchellorettes:

Comic Book Girl: Voluptous, she was not typically the kind of girl I go for "lookwise" but she seemed cool, smart and nerdy.  She was only 21 but acted much older.  We laughed about comic books and because she works at a comic book store, she knew a lot more about that area of media than I did and I was impressed, but she lived a bit too far away.  Even still, I gave her a rose and we went on a second date.  On the second date, we had a few beers, debated about some serious topics like women’s rights because she is a feminist and I said that was cool and that I liked a strong woman.  She said other feminists disagreed with her because she liked to show off her cleavage (she had big boobs) and like to dress that way, and who had the right to tell her not to?  I thought things went pretty well and I walked her to her car where we made out for approximately 2-4 minutes and we agreed to go out again.

I texted her once, maybe twice.  Never heard from Comic Book Girl Again.

Dr. Sexy: She was three years older than me and in her residency of being an ER surgeon.  She literally would see people die (lots of people) right before we'd see each other.  We met at a nice restaurant near her place and drank some beers, talked about what it was like to be a doctor.  She was really hot.  I was more intimidated with this girl than any girl I've ever gone out with before.  I thought that maybe she made a mistake because she's like an 8 or a 9 plus she's a doctor and I don't make very much money and on a good night I'm a hard 6.  I gave her a rose and she actually accepted.  She was impressed that I was a writer and that I am a voracious learner, always trying to be better and to be smarter. 

The second date we went to a place, Rush Street, that was closer to me.  We talked again, continued to bullshit.  She was cool.  She wasn't at all what I expected a doctor to be like.  She was smart but kind of immature and real.  I went to her car and we made out for 5 minutes and I gave her a second rose and she accepted.  On the third date I took some wine over to her place.  This is usually the sign that I'm about to put on a hospital gown and get examined by the Dr. Sexy.  We watch a movie and immediately it kind of seems like she's not having a good time.  Things don't click anymore.  We make out for a little while.  I feel up a doctor and she has big boobs, which I wasn't expecting.  Thought we might get to the bedroom but no luck.

I give her a third rose, which she seemed to accept.  A few days later she says that we aren't compatible or something.  No more Dr. Sexy.

Boring Girl:  How quickly can I put this?  This chick was 39 or something and a casting director.  We met and I didn't give her a rose.  But she contacted me again and I went over to her place to play Scene It.  She invited me over.  Seemed obvious enough.  I went in for the kiss and she rejected me.  Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore.

The Speed Dater:  This story is 100% real.  A girl hits me up on OKLocals.  She looks cute but can't meet right away?  She's very confusing.  Has two phone numbers that she's contacting me with.  I hear nothing from her (this is Sunday by the way) for eight hours until I wake up the next day.  She called me twice at 4 AM.  I thought, what the hell?  She explains a whole lot of drama to me about how she's been abused, used, forced to do a porno, won a blowjob contest, has no money, living on some random dudes couch, doing webcam shows.... she wants to smoke speed in my room.  

Can I just say this right now?  THIS IS MY LIFE IN DATING IN 2012!!!

I wish that were the joke. Now ladies, which one of you wants to date The Fatchelor?!?!  Is there anyone out there that could possibly be a good match out there and they don't have to be from OkCupid.

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

#Fact: Skip the small talk on your next date

<editorsnote> Inteeerrreessttinnnnngggg ... just came across this article on Yahoo! and I'm kinda not mad at it. I can't STANNNDDD guys that talk about the weather on dates, however, after seeing the other side of it this week with The Performer (aka Mr. TMI) - you can sometimes seek that bond too soon. Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself here, read the article first ... HIT IT YAHOO!! </editorsnote>

Per Yahoo: Don’t look now, but “deep and meaningful” conversations may be making a dating comeback. I know, I know… conventional wisdom says it’s best to keep the conversation light and airy on the first few dates, but is that really true? Maybe not, according to a new study from the University of Arizona published in the journal, Psychological Science, which reveals that happy people have more substantive conversations than those who engage in small talk alone.

In the study, participants wore digital audio recorders that unobtrusively tracked their real-world behavior and conversations for four days, and they also took written personality and happiness assessment tests. Researchers then looked at the conversations the participants had with others, and then they broke them down into two categories: 1) small talk (defined as uninvolved conversations in which only trivial information was exchanged), and 2) substantive conversations (defined as conversations in which meaningful information was exchanged).

Those who spent more time with others reported being happier — which isn’t groundbreaking news to those who follow human trends and needs for social engagement. But the big news in this study is that the people having deeper conversations tended to be the happiest of the bunch. Compared to the unhappiest participants, the happiest ones engaged in about one-third as much small talk and had twice as many deep conversations.

What does this mean for daters? Well, small talk is certainly a useful social skill and will help you break the ice with Mr. or Ms. Right — but once the ice is broken, don’t sink in the frozen social waters by talking about the weather. Based on the findings of this study, here are five suggestions on how to get into real conversations that avoid unwelcome levels TMI and intensity, but are sure to keep your next date simmering at a just-right temperature:

1. Casual might be cool, but it won’t get you anywhere romantically. “We found this so interesting because it could have gone the other way,” said Dr. Matthias Mehl, Ph.D., one of the researchers at University of Arizona in Tucson, who put the study’s findings into context for the New York Times. “It could have been, ‘don’t worry, be happy’ — as long as you surf on the shallow level of life you’re happy, and if you go into the existential depths, you’ll be unhappy.” But the findings were, in fact, the opposite: Surfing on the shallow level of life doesn’t make you cool; rather, it actually makes you less compelling to your date.

2. All this talk about the weather will put your date to sleep. You don’t need to delve into blatant and inappropriate TMI to really connect with your date. Think about it: you just met each other and this person’s already hearing about your dirty laundry? I don’t think so! But it does mean you should limit chatting about the wind and rain (unless it’s a national phenomenon or crisis). Trust me, talking about the weather won’t blow anyone away. Instead, talk about current events, the news, pop culture trends, things that you’ve read recently, movies you’re passionate about — the list is endless, and it certainly doesn’t need to include weather. As Mark Twain famously said, “Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

3. Ask open-ended questions that require an explanation from your date. It’s easy to engage in conversational dead ends. You tell someone how you feel. That person shares with you how he or she feels, followed by silence, and then… crickets (until one of you picks up the conversational baton and runs with it again, that is). But how you pass that baton is really what matters, so plan ahead to make sure you ask the right questions. The key is to know what questions to ask in advance so that you don’t end the evening knowing your date’s favorite TV show, but nothing about who this person really is. Think about a question that’ll get your dates to open up and share important information about themselves, which is essential to move any potential relationship forward. “I used to ask women what they did for work or what their hobbies were,” says North Carolinian Bill, 34. “But I get a whole different — and better — response now that I ask them what they are passionate about. Asking one great question can really change a date from so-so to something else.”

4. Skip the small talk and focus on being a bigger listener. People who are really interesting are interested. It’s remarkable how few people ask you a question and then engage in active listening as you respond. (Contrary to popular belief, listening is not the act of taking a quick breath in between your monologues as you prep to start speaking again.) If you really listen, you’ll be prompted to ask more meaningful questions that will take you down conversational roads you wouldn’t have imagined happening during your first handshake with this person.

5. Understand the role intimacy plays in helping build a bond. In considering why intimacy is necessary to build bonds, Dr. Mehl proposed that substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: 1) human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and 2) we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people. The findings indicate that these connections come from conversations that are socially and conversationally deep, rather than being solitary and superficial. Sharing something deep has its risks — after all, the person could ignore or dismiss something that’s near and dear to your heart. But if the opposite happens, your hearts open up and real connections can spring forth.

So before your next date, consider this new scientific evidence before your talk turns to the weather. Just remember: No one ever looked back on an exciting date and thought, “Wow, all that small talk really bonded us together!” 

I think the bond though has to come from a very organic place. Again, as I saw with The Performer earlier this week, it FREEAAAAKKEEDD me out when he brought up ALL that drama from his past. It was wayyyyy too much WAAAYYYY too soon!! Ask stimulating questions - if it's an online date, do some research first, pull from her dating profile and ask her to elaborate on some things (maybe she has a pic from an exotic location, or talks about wanting to go to Africa - whatever!) - pull from the profile!! The first date should always. always. always. be about the chick. She has the upper hand in this one! Actively listen, engage, and have fun man!!! Good luck out there, nerds!! xoxo

#nerdsunite