<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello
One of the most frequently asked questions about 50/50 has been, "Well, what if a guy likes Megan more than you?" Jokes of tag-teaming aside, Meg and I know this is a likely scenario. It was never a matter of if but rather, of when. Answer: Idaho.
Pre-Boise, the dates have been intimidated by Megan and Beast (our biggest, most reality-TV looking camera), but date #4, Corey, was merrily chattering away at Megs while she set up. And once Corey and I began running (yes, running on a date. Burn calories and find out if pheromones pique my interest. Hot), after some conversation about birth places and roommates and entrepreneurship, Corey very much enjoyed talking about Megan.
Sure, Megs is one of my favorite conversation topics, too. She's a new friend, and up until we left for this trip, we knew as much about one another as a margarita knows about a snail. And as we figure out how to get tequila and escargot to blend together, I find myself more and more fond of the gal. Part of this trip is not only about the relationships we make with strangers across the country, but the friendship and business relationship we forge together. So at first, it wasn't weird to talk about my ever-growing list of reasons Megan is rad. Until I realized that the more I glowed about Megan, the more Corey did, too.
Post-run, we moved onto a pub quiz. Corey invited Megan to sit with us, kept trying to ply her with drinks, and at every question turned to her for an answer (which made sense during the questions about history and Monty Python, but not during questions about 80s pop culture and language). He made sure to order enough food for her, not asking what my preference would be — which meant I wound up with a meat pizza in front of me. When I told him I was a vegetarian, he said, "Oh, I did that too for six months!" Which made it seem even more odd that he hadn't thought to ask what I liked to eat.
Throughout all this, Megan kept trying to get into the shadows as is her way during the dates, and Corey kept bringing her into the spotlight. I kept texting her at every chance, telling her to just join us. I figured we'd all be more comfortable if she were with us — and besides, much as I like dating, I love hooking people up.
But alas, Megan wasn't as into Corey as he was her — so we bid him farewell, got into Huckleberry Fit, and fell into shocked giggles. Once we were able to mention the incident without gales of laughter, we decided that when we find ourselves in the situation again, we would literally just high five as she became the dater and I became the filmmaker. If the boy seems confused, we'll just politely say, "No worries — we can tell you're into her. Let's just acknowledge it, and hey, now's your chance!"
It’s always an adventure out here. And a learning experience. What did I learn on this particular adventure? Well, speak the truth, even if my date is too polite to do so.
Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.
<editorsnote> Nerds, you may already know my buddy John as "Confessions of a Video Game Journalist" but what you DON'T know el senor John is that not only does he also help out as TNTML's intern, he is hands down one of the wisest people I have ever met. For reals, you need to grab a beer with this guy at some point in your life. The things that come out of his mouth ... wowzah! I decided he needs a special column devoted to his wisdom - and now here it is. The gospel according to John. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JOHN !!</editorsnote>
Question this week: What is the biggest deal breaker you have when dating a girl?
If a girl does not communicate with me, it's a deal breaker. Seriously, that's the final say in the matter. I cannot, cannot, be in a relationship with a person who does not communicate with me in any shape or form about important things.
Now, I’m going to do something that I’ve never previously done before on the site. I’m going to talk about my past relationships.
I know! I know, I hear you gasping in the audience and I’m sure several of you thought of me as genderless cyborg monstrosity that had no genitalia. Up until about 7 months ago you would be totally correct. About the cyborg thing, not the genitalia. I use the bathroom.
To get that image out of you head, here’s a song to go with this post, okay?
The reason I never delved into my own relationships on the site was because they had no relevance to what I was writing about the majority of the time. Though I think some of these questions are Jen’s way of trying to get me to talk about them, because every so often she yells at me and tries to tell me that I should write about my relationship experiences on the site for you all. I’m on to you Ms. Friel.
However, the reason that I’m going to talk about two very particular ones right now is because they emphasize what I mean about communication very well and I can’t think of better examples than these two instances. I will not name names, I respect these women far too much and the privacy of their lives to do that. However, both of them know and knew that this was a problem for us, so talking about communication issues will not be anything new if (by some infinitesimal chance they actually read the site) they will not be offended because I said these things to their faces and in person.
Now, I’m debating using pseudonyms or whatever for these women but honestly I’m not clever enough for that (really I am, but the names that come to mind are so ridiculous that its borderline hilarious and it won’t get the point across). So we’ll stick to designations such as Woman 1 and Woman 2. W1 and W2 for short. This is not in an attempt to dehumanize them, again, this is to protect their identities.
W1 was a girl I had dated for four years, since sophomore year in high school and we continued to date through college till our sophomore year there when we ended up breaking up. So far that’s been the longest relationship that I’ve had.
What I didn’t see at the time was our inability to communicate properly. Granted, we talked very well, we were extremely close after four years and could talk about most anything. It was certain things that I didn’t notice till the end of our relationship that made me realize that that was not something I wanted.
W1 had a habit of letting me decide most of what we did and not talking about certain personal issues unless I pried them from her. These were important things that really mattered in our relationship and often times just trivial things that would have not had an impact on us at all.
For example: We’re sitting in her dorm and watching a movie, we just finished lunch and I’m lazing about there with her next to me, when I notice her crying silently. Not, like, tears streaming down her face. More, single tear here, but completely teary-eyed.
Fearing the worst, since it was not a sad movie, I pause it and look at her, concerned and ask her what’s wrong. She says it’s nothing and that we should keep watching the movie, but I learned at a very early age that when a woman says “It’s nothing” and she is visibly upset, it is not nothing. Word to the wise, there.
After about 10 minutes of “sweetie you’re crying it’s obviously not nothing,” she finally fesses up that she wants to go for a walk outside. That’s it. Just, take a walk with me around campus.
“That’s it? That’s why you’re upset? Why didn’t you say anything before?! We could have watched this movie any time, I own it! Why didn’t you say something?”
“Well, I wanted you to be happy and you wanted to watch the movie, so I said yes.”
You can analyze that conversation for yourself and figure out our entire relationship pretty much from that conversation. Needless to say we went outside and then everything was fine, but that moment really stuck in my mind on a level of poor communication that I didn’t know existed.
Personally, I love it when the woman in the relationship has an opinion and knows what she wants. TELL ME. Seriously. I don’t want to make all the freaking decisions here, because then I’m responsible for everything and it’s not a relationship. Having one person decide everything and the other not speak up is two people doing everything one person wants. That’s no relationship in my book.
Guys and gals should not be afraid of expressing their feelings, wants and needs in a relationship. That’s basic communication on a primal level between human beings. If you have a problem, or trouble, doing that, then you need to work on that. Why? Well, W2 will show you.
I met W2 at an event with mutual friends and we hit it off right away. We had similar interests, we had a lot of fun together and we got real close real fast. We’d only known each other as long as we’d been dating, about four months or so, and around that time I started to notice that she had become distant and somewhat cold in the way we interacted.
I asked her what the problem was, if something was wrong, and again I went to red alert when I heard the phrase, “It’s nothing, I’m fine.” ALL HANDS, BATTLE STATIONS!!!
After some time, I found out the source of the issue was that I had said some rather inappropriate and insensitive things over the course of the last few months, which I can totally believe because often times I’m an idiot and I let my mouth run before I think, but they were not intentionally bad. They were just things that rubbed her the wrong way when I said them.
I could understand that. What I didn’t understand was why she had not said anything and was now telling me she had no feelings for me anymore because of those things that had happened and I was out of the loop.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to change who you were for me. If that’s who you are, that’s fine, but I’m not interested in that.”
Now, this is a dangerous and often times misused phrase. Not wanting to change someone is completely alright and no one should strive to change the man or woman they’re in a relationship with. But, that doesn’t mean you stop trying to talk to them about things that upset you.
Just because you don’t like a type of joke or don’t like one the other person cusses, doesn’t mean that they will then suddenly stop doing it and change their personality for you. No, what they should do, is respect your feelings and refrain from doing that around you, while then going back to their friends and saying those jokes and cussing all they want because that’s who they are.
I often say that social interaction is very much like stand-up comedy: You have to know your audience. Don’t say the incredibly racist Jew joke that you know at a Synagogue. Be respectful. However, if you’re with a group of people who know that you’re not a racist and are by no means being a malicious individual and find that joke hilarious, then by all means, say the joke.
Then W2 said this, which is a big no-no for me:
“I want someone who will know what I want and like without me having to say it and without us having to talk about it every time.”
This, ladies and gentlemen both, is an unrealistic expectation for a partner in a relationship. If you expect someone to know what you want at all times and what you like and don’t like, you better be fucking dating a mind-reader. Otherwise, you are going to have conversations about these things and you need to prepare for it.
Relationships are not like the movies where two people are so in tune and so made for each other that they know every little thing to avoid. No one is like that. People will screw up, people will say dumb things and at some point you’ll have to have a conversation about something with them along the lines of “Dude, what the fuck was that?” or “Oh my god, why did you say that to my mother?”
Shit just happens okay?
Now, what you should learn from my experiences with W1 and W2 is this: Communication is key for a healthy relationship to flourish and grow. You need to be able to express yourself to this person because if you’re going to be sharing time and your life with them, they need to respect your wants and needs. And you will need to respect their wants and needs. That also means you need to listen to them. If you don’t listen to them, you’ll miss important information that either will help you avoid incidents that are embarrassing, or learn something wonderfully fun and new about them that will make you more fond of them.
Be prepared to not get this right. Be prepared to talk a lot with someone. That’s the best thing you can do to avoid awkward situations or arguments about one or the other doing something stupid. Above all, relax about it too. You’re supposed to enjoy this person and their company. If you don’t like communicating with them or it’s difficult, maybe they’re not right for you. Spend some time working on it, but if you don’t see it getting better, then you might need to move on.
Communication, it’s a deal-breaker and a deal-maker. Remember that.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
After the Yes, I was pretty pumped for a few days, knowing Ophelia though I wasn’t going to call a lot, or text. She hated over communication, which was one of her reasons for not choosing me in the first place. The whole “Independent Woman Thing”. So a few days go by, I hazard a call. No reply. Well having gotten a yes, I kinda figured that might mean more talking. So I wait a few days more. No call. Now I have a strict rule about calling and texting. Never call more than once a day, never text more than twice without answer. If someone doesn’t respond then, they don’t want to. Simple as that, it’s the dawn of a new age. Sometimes texts don’t go through, but if you call and leave a message you know that went through. I let another few days pass and I call her again. Nothing. Seriously, miffed at this point, I then go about my business. At the bars that night with a group of friends she calls. I leap out of my chair and ran outside to answer.
She sounds slightly annoyed. I grew very perceptive of her tonation and mannerisms. She starts with, “So we need to talk...”, and every guy in the world knows that crushing line. She started talking and we talked for an hour about her and I and how she really felt about everything. She talked at length about how she just really couldn’t make herself feel the way I wanted her to feel for me. I said I understood. She went on to tell me how I’m everything she should want and yet she just doesn’t feel it. So I asked her, “You don’t think you will ever feel this way?” She replied, “No.” I told her, well that’s all I need. She immediately went into a I’m so sorry, and all that jazz. I just said, “Look that’s all I needed, that’s all I ever wanted. A clear yes or no. You always gave me, not now, I’m not ready, maybe in the future, or soon.” I wish I had used the lemon rule then. It would have saved me a year, and a whole mess of heartache. She asked if I was Ok and I replied, “I have never felt so free in all my life.” Which may have sounded a little over joyous. Dear audience for 11 years this girl had been at the back of my mind. The great, “WHAT IF?” She had been carried through every relationship I ever had, and that whole year kept me terminally in a love coma. Free was the understatement. I had finally, gotten an answer to a question that had haunted me forever. Once again it was still a NO and rejection sucks. However, I no longer had this cloud over me. This hesitant part of me telling myself there may be something better that I had missed.
Going back to the bar my friend Sully caught me and asked if everything was alright. She’s one of my closest friends and has always been there for me. I said, “Actually... Yes. It’s over.” I just breathed in and let it pass. Just like that the ball and chain of wonder was shed and I walked with a lighter step. Freedom has its costs, sometimes it’s not getting what you want. Not getting what you want isn’t fun. In the long run. If you are so focused on getting one thing you miss things that are right before your eyes. You blind yourself to the wonders that people hold around you. Your pursuit becomes your passion, and your true passions are left out to dry. I will never abandon my true passions again; I will never set myself aside for a single person forsaking all other options. I am whole again and I intend to keep it that way. This may have been a very bumpy road to travel, but I am very glad I saw it through to the end. No more what if? I never have to have that shadow over my soul again.
To the girl in this story, I don’t wish her ill will. She didn’t rob me of anything, I stole this time from myself. I only wish she had been more honest with me at the very start. We were friends and while I still think many of our best relationships are born in friendship, some just aren’t meant to be. So there you have it. My greatest heartbreak. It feels good finally getting it out of me. Maybe the next girl I’m with will enjoy my dedication to her, my art, and writing that she inspires. Maybe she’ll like to communicate and find a love for both my soul and heart. That’s the girl I’m seeking. That will be the girl I settle down for. Until then let’s get back behind this crazy adventure that has become my life.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea
“After a series of guys who left me high and dry and questioning why the hell I wasn’t just a lesbian instead (though, trust me, I know ladies aren’t a cake walk either) all of my friends asked me why I continued to go out with people from OkCupid. At first my answer was just that it was fun and gave me something to do on nights I would otherwise just stay home. But as I thought about it more, and began to write about coming out of my comfort zone, I realized that the reason I keep going out on OkCupid dates is because I keep learning about myself. Every date, every awkward encounter, every rejection, and every lovely goodnight kiss – I learn something new about myself and get nudged a little more farther away from my normal.”
I wrote that paragraph over a month ago. While most of it is still applicable I have actually deleted my OkCupid profile. There are a few reasons for this. One being that I am just overall tired of getting the same, lame messages. And two being that my time as of late has been very much occupied and I don’t have the time or the desire to go out with anyone else. (I was actually given permission to write about that on the site but for my own sanity will not be doing so as of yet!) Anyway, as I say goodbye to OkCupid for the moment, I wanted to write out what exactly I’d learned about myself from my last year of using the site…
1. I’m incredibly awkward but somehow it works. I don’t think I was ever awkward as a kid. I was always the one who talked a bunch and made friends with everyone. But for some reason as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more and more strange. I no longer know how to strike up conversations with strangers. I no longer understand that some people don’t want to hear all the randomness that comes into my head. And I don’t seem to understand that others aren’t okay with long periods of total silence. But what I do know, thanks to the world of dating, is that my awkwardness, in some strange way, works. I have been on dates where I could literally feel the awkwardness seeping out of my pours but for some reason the guys eat it up and think I’m charming and not a total freak. Thank you nerdy girls before me! Paving the way for awkwardness to be labeled as quirkiness and allowing my weirdness to not be an immediate deal breaker.
2. I don’t care about physical attraction, but instead about physical chemistry. I always say to people that I don’t care about appearance. If you just rolled your eyes, I get it. Nobody ever believes me. And I never really had a good way to explain it. I would just say that I didn’t really care because when a hot dude ends up being boring and dumb, he immediately transforms from Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love to Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. But on the flip side of that, when I meet a guy who I’m not physically attracted to but he ends up turning my brain on and making my face hurt from laughter, he becomes so freaking handsome in my eyes. This is where people argue “but if you’re REALLY not into ____, personality can’t change it.” Fill that blank in with short guys, fat guys, black guys, whatever… What I’m here to say is that for me, that’s not true. I’ve realized that this theoretical not-so-attractive dude not only has to have a good personality, but we also have to have sexual chemistry. We have to like the same things and when we kiss there has to be something more. I need to want him in a primal way. I’m scared my dad might one day find this blog…so that’s enough about that. But in summation what I’ve learned is that my eyes are not what turn me on.
3. I’m not as terrible of a flirt as I think I am. I have to start this off saying one thing… THANK YOU INTERNET. Basically, I have never been a flirty girl. I've discussed this before on the site -- I was always the friendgirl and never the girlfriend. Though I was in a really long term, serious relationship the beginning of that had almost nothing to do with flirting and almost everything to do with us both being young and looking for affection. So when I dived back into the dating scene out here, I wasn't sure I would know how to flirt. When guys compliment me, I get pretty awkward (shocker) and don't really know how to respond. It's almost nearly impossible for me to give compliments. Seriously, it's sad. The guy I'm currently seeing and I were having a talk and it took everything in me to tell him the things I like about him... The struggle was so apparent on my face. Luckily it didn't scare him away! But the Internet has helped me so much in my flirting. How you ask? Well, I, like many others, am much wittier with written words than spoken words. And having the chance to talk to guys digitally before meeting them in person gives me a chance to flirt and build up the witty banter before being dropped into a date. Also, I think getting the small talk out of the way has done wonders to my flirting. I’m much better with substantial conversation, than the bullshit you have to talk about when you first meet someone.
4. I don’t care what a guy does, I just need someone with passion and drive. Before really getting into “dating” I thought I had a list of deal breakers. A guy had to have a car, a job, and a place to live… Without those things, there was no way I would even think about dating them. Hey guys, wanna know what happens when you make a list of rules for yourself? You break them. About a million times. In a row.On OkCupid I’ve gone out with LA hotshots, who make lots of money and have TV shows on big fancy TV stations, who take me out to places I could never afford on my own. I’ve also gone out with dudes who live at home, have no car, and can barely afford their own lives, let alone taking me out on fancy dates. Of course, the majority have been somewhere between these two extremes. To be honest, I never thought I’d be super into the fancy LA guys. I don’t live that type of life, and while of course it’s fun, having excessive money and spending it on dumb shit is not something I can relate to. But what I found fascinating was that among all these guys, I didn’t really care how much money they made or if they had the stability I thought I was looking for… All I cared about was whether or not they were passionate about what they were doing. He could be a stand-up comedian, who pours every bit of his heart and soul into the sets he’s doing almost every night of the week or a dog walker, who believes in the importance of his work and loves each dog like his own – I don’t care! I’m passionate about my work and I need you to have something that consumes your whole heart sometimes. Something bigger than yourself that you’re willing to give yourself up to. Something you fight for. Something you can talk to me about and teach me about for hours.
5. I have bigger balls than most dudes when it comes to rejecting someone. This is the lamest of the lessons I have learned. From my experience, dudes don’t have balls when it comes to rejecting girls. I believe this partly has to do with guys being taught that women are crazy. Now before all the male readers get pissed off, let me admit – bitches can DEFINITEY be crazy. But hey, guess what? Stop dating those! Most of us are level-headed, rational beings who would prefer the truth to some bullshit excuse or you just disappearing. And guess what? We won’t flip out on you and text you non-stop! Choose better women and you will deal with better rejections. And guess what? Maybe you can even stay friends. Basically what I’m saying is that even in situations where I’ve had to reject a guy who I could tell was really liking me and who I had no real reason not to like except a lack of “chemistry,” I do it and I’m honest and I don’t beat around the bush. What I’ve learned to do to make this easier is make sure my body language on the date matches how I’m feeling. There have been times I’ve given someone a goodnight kiss when I knew I didn’t want to go out again, but I will not do that anymore! In coming out of my comfort zone, I’ve learned it’s okay to know what I do and do not want, and if people get pissed at you for you making it clear – well, that’s on them. All I can worry about is being honest about how I feel. Speaking my truth, right Jen?
So… Thank you men of OkCupid. Thank you for the drinks, the dinners, the stories, the great (and not-so-great) hook ups, the late night conversations, the texts you sent too often, the days at Disney, the games of pool, the karaoke singing, and so much more. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. You have made my last year more memorable and don’t you worry your pretty little faces, I’ll probably be back. Or on the other hand, don’t worry, if you pop in my Quiver or suggested matches, I’ll click right past you. Maybe even hide you or block you! Whenever the day comes I find myself back in the crazy world that is online dating, know the girl behind the screen won’t be the same as the one who signed up last year because my comfort zone is getting nothing but further away!
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
At the end of my last post I talked about how I wasn’t going to wait any longer and that I wanted to start making a difference in the world now. Along came my first response. Let's jump in. Here is what he wrote:
I sent a woman with no photos in an online dating site an intro email. I liked what she wrote in her profile, she was a teacher and didn't want anyone to know about her online dating. She said if she was interested, then she would reply with a picture attachment. Well needless to say, her pictures were of a stunning woman about 6 years younger than me. I am 45 and she is 39.
Here is my question...I feel that she is out of my league lookswise. In an honest assessment of myself, I say I have a 6/7 face with a 9/10 body. Surprisingly I don’t feel intimidated- I feel relaxed because I feel like I already know what this outcome would be. A one time date.
Have you ever gone out with someone you felt was in a higher league than you lookswise and any tips on how to pull an upset at making this work? I know the standard advice of "just be yourself" and "act confident" applies, but was wondering if you had any anecdotal evidence that this is a possibility.
I’d like to first thank this person for writing in with their question. I am so grateful to have this opportunity. For the purpose of this piece I will call this person James.
First it’s important to understand that women care about looks far less than men. I’m not saying they don’t care about how you appear but if you search you’ll find countless examples of beautiful women dating less than beautiful men. There are a lot of reasons for that but they’re not the substance of this post. Below I have given two tips that should make a huge difference.
Focus on conversation topics that aren’t aesthetic centered. What are you passionate about, what do you want out of life and what are you doing to get that? Be animated, ambitious and fucking excited about what you’re doing. If what you’re doing doesn’t excite you then you need to reevaluate how you’re spending the little time that you have. Here are some of my examples:
Lately I have been geeking out into the world of programming and the thought of being able to solve real world problems in the world is thrilling. I’m taking classes from Stanford and Princeton to learn programming fundamentals and algorithms, respectively.
I ride my bike everywhere because I feel it brings me closer to my city. I have been OBSESSED with this album of remixed Radiohead songs. I recently watched a video of a little girl with a beautiful voice captivate an aggravated Simon Cowell on Britains Got Talent and it made me cry she was so enthralling.
I started coaching guys on social dynamics and it has been the most rewarding experience in my life to date.
Be conscious of what your body is saying. If you feel as though you are not worthy of a girl that you’re with then you are probably going tell that in subtle ways. Body language is always a little hard to correct when I’m not looking at someone but here are some tips...
Mind the fidgeting. (Finger fucking pins or silverware, leg twitching, constantly readjusting in your chair etc.)
Lean back and always be equally as comfortable as she is.
Maintain eye contact and smile a lot.
Pre-date, watch a movie with your favorite badass male star in it. Pretend that you are him.
Friday, November 30, 2012 at 11:59PM
One of the most frequently asked questions about 50/50 has been, "Well, what if a guy likes Megan more than you?" Jokes of tag-teaming aside, Meg and I know this is a likely scenario. It was never a matter of if but rather, of when. Answer: Idaho.
