Fun with #OkCupid: A dude in the OKC corral (the dating slump)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @casetines

I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you, I’m sitting at home, alone on a Friday.

Oh, hi.  I didn’t see you there.  Come on in and have a seat, I’ve made Bagel Bites.  I’m so glad you made it.  Look how far we’ve come, my baby.  No, WAIT, COME BACK!  Sorry, I won’t do that again.  I swear…  by the moons and the stars in the sky.

Seriously, L-O-L-J-K, K?  I want to have a chat.  Please stick around for awhile.

The reason that I invited you over here was because I’m in a slump.  Yeah, that’s right.  A dating slump.  I don’t know what to do but maybe we could talk it out.  How’d I get into this slump?  Well, ever since January when I had a trio of dates that went varying levels of nowhere, I can’t buy a good date.  And trust me, I’ve tried.  The escort service was like “No. Stop calling.  We no want your business.” 

The last girl I went out with invited me over to her place and then rejected me when I tried to make a move.  I’m still trying to remove the dagger from my heart on that one, but it’s stuck in there like the sword in the stone.  The girl before that was great up until the moment she told me that she didn’t see a romantic relationship in our future.  Oh, the girl before that?  She was awesome!  I wonder what ever happened to her, since she stopped returning my texts.

What’s a guy to do?  Get back on the horse?  Oh yeah, that wasn’t a problem.  I did get right back on the horse.  It’s not like K-Steins was about to give up, ya dig?  I kept moving, kept shaking, kept the booty quaking.  At least I tried and I tried to try.  What happened?  Not a single response.

It’s like the K-Man was throwing bait in the water over and over again and kept catching tuna cans.  I cannot eat a tuna can, I am not a goat.  Maybe I should convert to Goattism. 

However, as a current non-Goat, a man must figure out what to do when his dating life has hit the skids.  He must realize that not only does one ride the horse (or the goat, or a goat riding a horse flying on the wings of an eagle) but that man cannot ride horse if man does not mount horse.  I’ve been flailing and jumping trying to get on the horse as if I am Peter Dinklage, but I can’t give up just because I failed.  Eventually I’ll get onto the horse and mount the horse.  The horse may not ride, but with enough trying I will have success.

It’s like anything else in life; hard work breeds success.  Nothing comes for free.

It’s like Martha Washington once said: “Gotta get that.  Gotta get that.  Gotta get that BOOM BOOM BOOM!”

Been awhile since you’ve had a good date?  Don’t worry, they will come.  It’s like they say, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take…

Wait, that doesn’t really make any sense.  How can you miss something you don’t take?  Doesn’t seem fair.  How about this: You will never have sex again if you never have sex again.  You miss 100% of the girls or guys you don’t date.  You can’t find love if you’re lookin’ for a porcupine sitting on a tuffet.  (That last one is something I just imagined Paula Deen saying.)

Don’t fret pets and I won’t fret either.  Slumps happen but you have to break out of a slump, it won’t happen on it’s own.  You’re a baby raptor, trying to break out of it’s little baby shell so get out there and attack some people.  Wait, that doesn’t sound right.  I mean in the metaphorical sense of a raptor attacking it’s prey, but like, instead of that I mean knocking boots and stuff.

Does that make more sense?

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for sharing.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.  Seriously.  How do I live without you?  I want to know.  How do I breathe without you?  By sucking in and out air?  Not good enough.  Must suck love. 

Wait….

#thatisall

Want some more from Kenny? Follow him on twitter over yonder!

and don't forget to check out his blog!! <----- good shit!

Fun with #OkCupid: Are you FOR REAL??!?!?!

Wow ... earlier tonight I got an IM on OKC saying, "hey wanna see a pic of my face."

Upon looking at this dude's avatar - didn't even need to click on the damn thing  ... I flat out said no, and thought nothing more about it.

Then I started a one person dance party rockin out to "Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol, in the living room (not kidding either, it was awesome!! i will take exercise in any form I can get it!) - came back to the computer and saw this ...

No long term match? Dude - you didn't even fill out the personality profile. What?!?!

you could do ME in two hours? Oh hell no. let me rephrase OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I would never let you near any of my awesome lady bit.

What is this craigslist?? Way to take a totally kosher medium and get all creeper about it. Oh yes, I've never seen abs before ... oh baby, that's making me so juicy. ugh so tragic to think that this has quite possibly worked on a female prior. No game sir, no game. I weep ... I weep.

Get over it, man. Life's too short. Go, have fun ... live a little - and keep it real.

PS. only sunday through thursday? are you reserved on the weekends?? i feel like there's a story there ... that might be the only thing you have goin for ya there dude. might as well milk it.

How to get a response from a female on #OkCupid

*waves* Hi, I'm @JenFriel ... and I've been on OkCupid for the last 5 months. Yep, 5 months .... every day ... I've seen a lot of profiles, and read a lot of messages. Here are some of my top picks on what will get you a response from a female on OkCupid.

First off, lemme just start by establishing the female constant on OKC, and dating sites in general ... chicks rule. We don't have to go searching for guys, they come to us. You're constantly the hottest chick at the bar. It's amazeballs. So that being said, going in, you're going to have to do some leg work to pick us up. Get over it. We're worth it.

* Rule Number 1: Have a CLEAR shot of your face set as your default. *insert exhibit A*

Screw the filters, the expert lighting, just use photobooth, or set your phone on 5 second delay, place it on your desk, and smile. It is that easy. The set size for a thumbnail in an email is so small, and your number one job is to have your face take up as much of it as possible. I messaged a guy once that I wasn't even attracted to, and thanked HIM for having such a beautiful default picture. It was composed entirely of his face with a genuine smile. So beautiful.

All I want to do is see your face. I will judge your attractiveness. Be as neutral as possible while sustaining all of your already endearing genuine qualities.

That being said, remove all hats, sunglasses, spirithoods, or whatever from your default picture.

This makes me so irate, you have NOOO idea how many profiles that I see where the dudes are wearing sunglasses. Again, the thumbnail is so small, and your job is to pick me up. How can you do that if I can't see what you look like? You can still upload the pics to the album, but set your default as just one clear shot of your face. Period. End of sentence. This is as black and white as it comes. My first instinct looking at someone who has hats and sunglasses on in their default is, this person is hiding something. Is that the message you are trying to convey?

Didn't think so.

* Rule Number 2: Fill out the personality profile. I literally cannot comprehend why anyone on a dating website would not do that, but again - I've seen it multiple times, and they did not get a response. How am I supposed to know if I have anything in common with you? I have hundreds of guys messaging me everyday ... I will absolutely not even entertain the notion of even CLICKING on your profile if you haven't filled out the personality portion, let alone actually messaging you back. HAHA! No fucking way. Get over yourself. I suffered through it, you can too.

* Rule Number 3: Do not cut and paste the same email to all the girls on OKC that you think are hot. I get so many generic emails on OKC, it blows my mind. Here's one ...

I'm a LIFECASTER that quotes the Matrix and The Big Lebowski because I dig brevity, and I explain that I travel the country in celebration of Unapologetic Awesomeness ... the only adjective that came to mind was "interesting?" REALLY?!?! ... REALLY?!?!?! Furthermore, I state VERY CLEARLY in my profile that I am NOT looking for a relationship. You're saying that you're not the kinda guy that wants a one night stand when I'm flat out telling you its not off the table. This just makes no sense!!!

Here's one that got a response:

Total awesome sauce. Flattered without being fanboy, he clearly read my profile before emailing, and ended with a cutesie "ciao bella." Me gusta. Simple. Simple. Simple. I will email this guy back.

Put time into an email. Read the chick's profile before, glance through her pictures ... find something that you can relate to and bring it up.

I have a picture of me skydiving on my OKC profile. Here's a good example email a guy could send in response to seeing that ...

Hey Jen, I saw that you went skydiving! That's awesome! I'd love to go, did you do it around here?

It's literally that easy. One line, two lines, no more than a paragraph.

* Rule Number 4: Have a variety of pictures in your album.

OKC is great, you can have an entire album to lure a potential mate with. My pictures up there are some of the best moments of my life ... spinning the wheel on the price is right, flying cross country with Billy G of ZZ top, skydiving, and the moment I heard from the creator of FourSquare. I'm weird, but shit like that just happens to me. It's my constant ... what is yours?

Do you run around and play with monkeys all day? Are you an athlete? Yoga guru? Show me all the different sides of you!!!

I LOOVEEE it when I flip through a profile and see a skydiving pic, because I know if you were crazy enough to skydive, you could definitely be crazy enough to at least be my friend. I want to see you in your default picture, in the album I want a glimpse into your world. Don't judge it, just let it be! Do you work at Coffee Bean? Awesome! Show me how hot you can look in that apron, or how much fun you had that one time you and your friend juggled bags of beans in the back. I don't know! It's your life! Tell your own story!!!

A couple heads up though for dudes, limit the drinking pictures. A beer in your hand is fine in one pic ... a beer in your hand in all of them and the default is you doing a keg stand ... that's prolly not gonna happen.

Also, limit the amount of girls in your pictures. You might think it's cool to throw up a picture of your BFF Jackie, but some girls can be intimidated by it and not message you back. It's a handicap. It's guys that care about the hot chicks you are with ... we ARE the hot chick, we honestly don't care.

Alrite, so what did we learn to sum it up?

1. Have a clear default picture set. No sunglasses, hats, spirithoods, or filters. Just you.

2. Fill out the personality profile as much as possible. The metrics increase your chance of finding a good match, dude, come on! Just do it!

3. Can the generic emails, keep it real, and keep it simple.

4. Your album should tell the story of your life in pictures. Own it.

If you guys ever have questions too, or want me to look at your profile just hit me up! I'd gladly help!

Twitter: @JenFriel

Facebook: Facebook.com/JenFriel

Find me in a coffee shop via FourSquare: Foursquare.com/JenFriel

or drop me a love note on OKC: Okcupid.com/profile/JenFriel

#NerdsUnite

Update on Sunday, December 12, 2010 at 6:38PM by Talk Nerdy To Me Lover

Follow up from @donstugots: 

Jen,

It really is simple.   The K.I.S.S. method.   Keep It Simple Stupid. I see friends sending that initial email to a chick that is their whole life story or they sit and try to come up with a 4 line email that makes them sound like Tony Stark. The truth is a fast, lite hearted email saying "hey there groovy chick. Yes, I did just quote Greg Brady" is all you need to do. Its important to remember that it isn't a game and it isn't life and death. Its dating. Regardless if you are looking for a one night stand or to get married (why anyone would want to behooves me), it is important to remember that it is still supposed to be fun. Pics should all be clear and free of other chicks, unless it is your grammy. Props like a dog help.  Your profile should be filled out but not in depth, ie "I like comic books" but a pic of you in your Superman snuggie is a bad idea, unless you wore it on a bar brawl of some kind. No drunk photos. You don't need to be dressed in a suit but it wouldn't hurt. Be clear, be confident do not over compensate or beg.   

What am I leaving out?    My class would be called PIMPin' on line is easy   (but dont tell anyone I said that, it was a joke)

Don