<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
That call was hands down one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, but I meant EVERY.SINGLE.WORD.
Loving someone doesn't ever go away, it merely evolves. We had a great friendship over the years but absolutely every bit of everything in our dynamic had run its course.
I'm now in a more stable place with my work that I am seeking more, and I want a partner - I'm ready for a commitment.
Based on his timing, I hoped that would have been him - but alas, it was no bueno.
Here's the text ...
These two sentences sum up Romeo completely. He needs something from me and based on the love that I have had for him over the years, I have always always always been there for him.
Now, I've moved on ... and I FUCKING MEANT IT.
It took me three minutes of COMPLETE disbelief before I decided to respond ...
I said to him SO FIRMLY on the phone that this was it. I couldn't talk to him anymore, I very literally wanted nothing to do with him. I, of course, will never wish him ill - but I was placing a boundary and he had to respect that.
This is him pushing and testing.
As something I have never done with him before ... guess what? This is my push back Romeo - I'm done. done. done. and the promo you wanted to use me for? Guess what, I just granted you a post. Well done, peace out homeslice!
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we've never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go ... and now we're here ... HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @KennethArthurS
A month ago I started a mission to not drink in June and now we are almost to the end of that. It's been over 30 days since I last had an alcoholic drink and I can definitely tell the difference in a few areas:
In the wallet. In the gut. In the social world. And most importantly, in the brain.
I didn't necessarily ask for a mental change in myself when I started this mission. In fact, I didn't necessarilyask for anything but I expected a few changes. I expected to save money. I expected to come out healthier. I didn't know what to expect as far as changes go when Friday and Saturday nights became dry, but in return I've found some new favorites hobbies. As a group, we have taken to hiking around Los Angeles, something that we had never done in our previous three plus years in the city. Yes, I know, we are such terrible and lazy people, but better late than never. It took 30+ days of staying away from the sauce for me to realize how much I was missing out on by automatically turning to booze when the calender hits a certain day of the week.
I didn't know what to expect in the dating department, but I pretty much figured that it would be hard for me to meet someone if I didn't go out to bars during the weekends and by self-banishing myself from OkCupid and other online dating methods for a while. I had a few people contact me while I had turned my profile into a giant pile of shit, but honestly felt no motivation to meet anyone. This period of self-discovery would have been a terrible time to discovery another person’s self. Ain't nobody got time for that.
It's just crazy to me how deep that self-discovery went.
At first, I was only thinking about alcohol. About how badly I wanted a drink when my car broke down on the same day that a girl had cancelled our date for "personal issues." How much I was craving a cold beer on a hot day, which was basically every day in June. In fact, I actually woke up several times this month feeling guilty because I had a dream where I was drinking again. That's some real "ARE you an alcoholic??" shit right there. But all of that was to be expected and no, I am not an alcoholic.
What's been really messed up is all of the weird thoughts I've been having about the afterlife and such. I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality and the fact that I might be older than halfway dead, as I approach 30. That I've spent the last ten years of my life drinking, smoking, and having little to zero disregard for my own health. That I'm almost 30 and I've yet to leave a legacy behind. That I couldn't create a happy and healthy relationship by now. That I have failed in many areas up to this point. Without getting into religion, I also spent a lot of time thinking about death and whether or not any of this matters. These thoughts are hardly ones that you want to spend a whole lot of your time thinking about. It could almost drive me to start drinking heavily again.
And so I think about how I can make the most of it. How I can make life worthwhile without consideration to what happens after you die. Then if you really think about it, 99% of what you do in your daily life won't have any consequence as to whether or not there is an afterlife anyway, so why not do what feels good? Or what's funny? Or what could make a person smile? Confidence is basically doing what feels right with either total knowledge or total ignorance of the fact that very little of what you do actually matters.
You don't want to talk to that girl over there because you're shy? Or embarrassed? Or fear rejection? Guess what dude, no matter what she says, it won't really matter.
Afraid to ask for a raise or take a day off? It won't matter either way.
Don't want to go to a singles mixer because you're embarrassed? Hey buddy, none of how "embarrassed" you get or shy you are will have any consequence on anyone’s life. In the end, it probably won't matter anyway.
That's not meant to come off as "NOTHING MATTERS, CHAOS EVERYWHERE!" though I could see how it might. It's just meant to say that no matter what you do, your worst case scenario is hardly even close to anyone else's worst case scenario. Your worst case scenario of rejection would be only a short moment of time for that person that rejected you and they'll instantly forget it. Your worst case scenario for taking a day off, is basically a "what can I do? them's are the law" for most bosses. Everybody at that singles mixer is in the same boat. But overall, it's what happens in the end:
In the end, we all stop going on. We all die. Then what will it matter? If you didn't hurt anyone else, if you left behind a good legacy, what will any of it matter? That's freedom right there. That's confidence. That's happiness, to me. I think that this period of self-discovery, of not drinking, of trying something new, has given me so much more than I could have ever expected.
Sunday will be July 1st and I will have successfully gone an entire calender month without having a drink, something that I haven't done in a few years and something I probably haven't done as a single person in over five years. But July 1st will also be the next step towards hopefully living better and having far more than another 30 years left on this planet, with time to right the wrongs and make the best of everything I've been given.
In the end, it probably won't matter. But as of right now, what you do this second, everything matters. I'll drink to that.
It's funny, having done this now for almost 3 years I no longer have a lot of firsts. For reals, there is no difference between online/ offline - I work my butt off with this brand to create an experience with you all in some capacity because it really means a lot to me.
That being said, I do everything that I can to encourage you guys to come and kick it with me. Since 2009 I've been OBSESSED with the location based social media service Foursquare. I know you all have seen it before - but it's an app on your smartphone that allows you to "check-in" to places.
Why would you EVER want people to know where you are?
A couple of reasons ...
Foursquare is an EXTREMELY passive social site. All I do is live my little life and check in to wear I am and if my friends are near by, they might swing by.
But isn't that creepy?
Nope. To-this-day I have yet to have a bad experience with it. I check in 24/7 too - and ::poof:: nada.
Also, my favorite part about Foursquare is the tips. Everywhere I go, new or old place, I can see what other people have liked and recommend; it's information when I need it.
What about stalkers?
I currently have 4 stalkers with restraining orders, and oddles of well, "excited" online followers and all that I know about legit stalking is that it is psychological. They want to taunt you by saying, OOOOOHHHH I just saw you over there ... bet you didn't know I was watching!!!
For me, by saying, here's where I am 100% of the time, always - it makes me the WORST person to stalk ever. I already KNOW that I'm putting myself out there for the world to see so should they want to find me, great! Let's have a convo!
Also, do you know how hard it is to actually track someone down via Foursquare? You'd have to already be in that person's neighborhood hoping that they checked in as they were sitting down and not leaving. Really. Really. Really. difficult to do, and by using it - it is of my humble opinion that I've negated a lot of potentailly weirder shit online.
This was of course, all my previous understanding. Then, Monday night happened. I was reviewing the movie Magic Mike for GoFobo.com and after I got hit up by my twitter buddy Tiffany saying she was in town and asked if we could get a drink and talk about personal branding. I got pretty excited since I can talk about this schtuff 24/7 so I said sure, and we agreed to meet up at a little bistro in WeHo that is one of my personal favs based on the awesome people watching.
We get there, and she and I get into talking ... nothing unusual ... then about 20 minutes into our diet cokes I hear, is there a Jen Friel here?
Having just had lunch there as well I wondered at first if I had left a card here or something.
Um, I'm Jen Friel, I say sheepishly.
There is a phone call for you, ma'am, says the server genuinely confused.
Wait, I say ... a PHONE CALL?
I laugh knowing that not 5 minutes prior I had checked in on Foursquare so if nothing else this HAD TO HAD TO HAD TO be a twitter follower.
The server then laughs saying this has never happened to him in all of his years working there.
People don't call restaurants anymore, who are you?
I run a website, I said, and I have some uber excited readers.
I then walk over to the phone excited to at least say howdy to the person on the other line for a second or two.
As we walked over behind the counter, the server notices that the caller had hung up.
Oh, they are gone, he said.
AAWWW! That's pretty hilarious actually that someone called.
What was their name, I ask? I want to tweet something out.
He then shows me this piece of paper ...
So, the guy's name was "Roy" - but check out the description ...
1) "big white smile?" really? that's TOTALLY not creepy.
2) "brown hair?" this HASSSS to be a twitter follower and someone I've never met IRL because everyone tells me that in my twitter avatar pic my hair looks brown not jet black (like it is in real life). It's the same exact color today as it was when that picture was taken, but I'm sure it was just the lighting that made it look lighter.
I then tweeted out thanking Roy for the call, but kinda thought about it at the same time ... I really genuinely don't think I'd be mad at readers of the site calling restaurants or places I check in at. I have zero problem giving a few more extra seconds out of my day to you guys ... so there! I implore you all to reach out even more at this point, and should you really want to just talk for 20 seconds - I'd be happy to say howdy!
Unless you're a crazed stalker, or a person that owns a windowless white van. I'll never go back into that white van ...
Hi friends!! Holy schnapps does it feel good to be writing again. See, I've been over at Ford HQ in Dearborn, MI for the last few days and like a total spaz forgot to pack my macbook pro charger. Fortunately I had my ipad so I could still keep things up and running ... but writing on an ipad without an extended keyboard is no bueno.
EITHER WAY, I'm ELATED to be back and even MORE elated to say that TNTML will be partnering over the next few weeks with not one, but two really big mainstream media outlets.
The first one I can announce today ... and it is ... ::drumroll::GOFOBO.COM!!
You know, the peeps that get you into seeing movies first!!
See, they asked me a few weeks back if I'd come on board to write some schtuff for them. I'm not mad at movies, but being a movie reviewer was not my cup o' Starbucks.
INSTEAAAADDD, I asked if I could write from the perspective of what movies will get you laid. They dug it, and gave me my first movie ... Magic Mike.
HA!
That one seems pretty easy ...
My first post for them is up and live today, so feel free to take a look if you'd like to find out if the $10 spent on the movie ticket would be better spent on a drink.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Chelsea. She's a newbie to our loverly state of California and is currently trying to find her own voice and find her own way. Gosh, aren't we all??? She's here today to talk about her journey in life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT CHELSEA!!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @chelofthesea
Friday is a big day for me… Not only am I going to be in the TNTML Live Show, which is a huge step out of my comfort zone, but it’s also my mom’s birthday.
With that being said I felt like there was nothing more appropriate to talk about this week than my mom, and specifically 4 lessons I learned from my mom having cancer.
First let me back track and give you some context to my mom being sick. Before middle school, I had literally the picture perfect life. My parents were so in love, my younger brother and I did well in school and participated in extracurriculars, we lived in a lovely middle-class house, we had great relationships with extended family, and things were as wonderful as you could ever image. But one day in the summer after 6th grade, my mom went to the doctor because she’d be in having some serious pain in her lower back. When she got home that afternoon, none of us expected to hear the news she had to share: She had been diagnosed with Stage 4 rectal cancer. This battle went on for the next three and a half years. My mom tried every treatment regimen the doctors knew, but nothing seemed to work. At times she was forced to wear diapers, had blisters all over her body, couldn’t eat without getting sick, had a to carry a chemo pack around her waist that dripped into her bloodstream 24/7, and this list goes on. After fighting non-stop for her life, my mom passed away in March of 2006.
But that’s not what this story is about… it’s about the fact that no matter what, my mom managed to laugh all the time, she continued to surround herself with the people she loved, and no matter what life through her way (some crazy stuff happened during these years besides her being sick), she made every day as great as she possibly could. And the lessons I learned from her have not only made me who I am today, but help me in getting out of my comfort zone and remembering to live my life to the fullest.
1. Always own who you are and what your situation is, no matter what anyone else thinks: So, one huge side effect of my mom having rectal cancer was that she had to have a colostomy bag. When she first got it, I was super embarrassed and didn’t really want my friends to know because then they would think I was weird or something like that. Ya know, flawed logic of a 12-year-old. But what I never really thought about (at the time) was how tough that had to be for my mom! I can’t imagine what that would do to your self-esteem. Can you imagine trying to feel sexy with a colostomy bag? I can barely feel sexy when I think my hair is a little too frizzy. But somehow my mom managed to own it. Sometimes things would smell funky (as you can imagine comes with the territory) or she would be pulled aside in airports for physical pat downs… but she never let this get to her. When people asked questions, she was totally open and didn’t feel the need to hide it. Having the bag was keeping her alive, so screw you if you had a problem with it. This is something I need to practice in my own life… At times I am surrounded by people who don’t necessarily understand who I am or why I do what I do with my life… There are people I would die if I found out they read my posts or freak out if they found out I kissed a boy at the bar on Saturday. But ya know what? Fuck that. Life isn’t about pleasing others. It’s about OWNING who you are.
2. Don’t take yourself too seriously: Honestly, this must have been one of my mom’s mantras. I will tell you a ridiculous story to help illustrate it for you. At one point in her treatment, my mom lost all her hair. I mean…she was COMPLETELY bald. At first, she was wearing wigs and bandanas to try and seem more “normal” for my brother and me, but eventually we convinced her to rock the Natalie Portman look. She always joked that she had a weird shaped head but no way. That’s a tough look to pull off, but she managed. Anyway, I digress – back when she was wearing the wig, she had gone to vote at a local polling station. Because we lived in South Florida, it was my mom and 50+ senior citizens. They all waited in line, which was took forever, when all of a sudden some OFF DUTY police officer came in and cut them all in line. Needless to say (if you know me at all), my mom didn’t take a lot of crap from people so she went to the front and asked why exactly he got to cut in line since he was off duty, and wasn’t it only fair he waited in line like the others. When the poll worker responded in a catty tone, letting my mom know she had no reason to complain and that he was a hero – my mom pulled her wig off in front of everyone and yelled “I HAVE CANCER. IF THAT DOESN’T GET ME TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL.” The entire group of old people cheered her on… This didn’t result in anything changing. She still had to wait in line, and the dude still got to vote ahead of everyone else. But ya know what? She didn’t take herself too seriously and made her point because of it. There are so many examples of this, but this just so happens to be one of my favorites. Whenever I feel embarrassed or start to take myself too seriously, I try to remember that sometimes you just gotta rip your wig off in a room full of old people!
3. Say whatever the hell you want to say: My mom never struggled with words. She expressed herself more often than most people, even before she was sick. But having cancer and knowing that she didn’t have much time left made my mom even ballsier. She would tell people exactly how she felt! At times, this was great and made her relationships immensely stronger, other times it pissed people off a whole lot. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we are scared of the consequences. And sometimes, we’re right for doing that… Just because you think some girl’s outfit is unflattering, there is no need to tell her that she looks like Jabba the Hut. But at the same time, if you feel someone is treating you unfairly, there is no need to bite your tongue for fear that they won’t like you vocalizing your opinion. I’ve never really had a hard time expressing my opinions, and that is a huge thanks to my mom being the woman she was. With this one, I should probably take the opposite of this lesson and remember it’s okay to filter myself sometimes. But that’s no fun! And even the people my mom managed to upset still respected her for being honest and speaking her truth (right, Jen?).
4. Just because life sucks doesn’t mean you should stop living: We all know life gets hard sometimes. We all know there are days where we don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and blast Dashboard Confessional or Alanis Morisettte or that one song by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Oh wait, is that just me? Woops. Anyway, moving on. Sometimes life totally sucks but there is no excuse to stop living. My mom getting sick made her live life even more! The year after she was diagnosed, we didn’t all just stay home while mom got chemo and went to the doctor’s office… We went on a 6-week road trip around the country! My mom coordinated with her doctors so she could get her treatment at different hospitals so we could travel the nation and not have to worry about it! This will always be one of my all-time favorite memories. But this didn’t stop there. One weekend my mom rented a convertible because she had never driven one before. If she was craving lobster, we’d make the two hour drive to the Keys just for dinner. No matter what, she did what she wanted to do and lived 100%. More than ever this lesson is relevant in my life right now. There are days where I don’t want to do anything because I don’t know where to go, or because all of my friends are busy, or because it’s just hard to put yourself out there… But there is literally NO excuse that makes it okay for me to waste my days when I want to be doing something. Life is for living and if you’re not doing that, you might as well give up.
As I began writing this post, I doubted myself. I wasn’t sure it would fit in with my theme of talking about my comfort zone and I also wasn’t sure how emotional I’d get writing about my mom, especially so close to her birthday. But it has been so freaking good for my soul. Getting to reminisce about her through words never gets old. And by opening up to you nerds about her, I honestly feel like I am stepping out of my comfort zone and letting you in to a huge part of my life and something that has shaped me to be who I am. If you ever wonder why I’m loud or vulgar or kinda crazy… My mom is the lady to thank! She would love this community and think it’s so rad that I’m writing for TNTML. So as I continue forward in the quest of getting uncomfortable (and maybe a little weird) I’ll hold these lessons close. And as I learn from these, I’m sure I will realize how many more she was able to teach me.
Friday I will have both a beer and a cupcake in her honor! Let’s party!
Saturday, June 30, 2012 at 3:13PM
