#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You discover you're allergic to body paint ... after it is on

Yo mom and dad - most of these posts for the next ... however long ... are prolly not going to be kosher. This one in particular you're def not going to want to read. 

Don't worry though, I'm still a virgin. K bye. 

Hi friends. 

So, a few weeks back I got invited to Playboy's Masquerade party at the Playboy Mansion. People take a LOT of pictures at Playboy parties, so it got me thinking that this could be a good opportunity for one of my sponsors. 

Since I've been wearing MessageMe shirts for the last month or so ...  

I thought they might be an AWESOME fit for the opportunity. I then hit up one of the founders and sent the most inappropriate email ever ... 

Moments later I got the thumbs up, so all was good in the hood. (And FREAKING CONGRATS on hitting 1 million users this week!! 12 days!!! SO NUTS!!) 

I then spent the afternoon picking out my outfit to go along with the body paint, and once I was settled I went to spin class. 

Spinning is now my COMPLETE disconnect from the universe. It's non-negotiable, I go every day, and I want nothing to do with ANYONE while I am there. It's my thing ... my jam ... my little meditation session that no one else can be a part of. 

Because I still use my iPhone as my music player though a notification or two might sneak in. 

I see an update from Facebook telling me that my password has been changed. 

My ears perked up like Scooby as my mouth vaguely produced Arrrr???? 

I then RAAANNNNNNNNNNN home as fast as my legs could carry me assuming someone was fucking with my account and I needed to isolate whatever it was they were doing. 

I pull up Facebook on my Macbook Pro Retina and see that I've violated their photo policy. 

Someone reported this photo that I had screenshot of SOMEONE ELSE'S default on a dating site. He was dissecting some random cadaver and it was one of the oddest  but coolest things I had seen on any dating site. 

This was MONTHS ago, I thought staring at the acceptance of the policy violation. 

Bastard, whoever reported this. 

Facebook then told me I would not be able to use it's service for the next 72 hours. 

Talk about a universal disconnect for someone like me, I thought. 

Obviously the situation sucked balls all around, but what were my options? I just had to take it like a woah-man. 

It got me thinking though, that for the Playboy party I was going to, I should just privately message photos to users on MessageMe instead of posting on Facebook. They're going to be insanely naughty and I don't know what it is going to be like getting banned twice in a week. The LAST thing I want to do is lose my Facebook account as it is also part of my business. 

Dually noted, I thought. 

Then, on Tuesday I hit the peak of frustration.  

I was super stressed, super edgy, and super ... out of it. Even our trivia team said how tired I looked. Sure, my schedule is kinda nutty right now, but I THRIVE when I live on the edge. Why all of the sudden am I becoming a wreck? I thought. 

I was then reminded of this nagging-ness that I felt surrounding the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. I KNEW the universe was pointing me to read it again, but the acceptance of being back in "that place" was EXTREMELY hard for my ego to process. 

I then stayed up til 4 am writing out this post. 

Normally, the day after I write something like that I get really tired, I want to isolate, and I'm overall just kinda in this weird "zone." What surprised me, was that for the FIRST TIME in at least a few weeks, I finally felt "rested." It was as if this angst and anxiety came straight from my inner child who was just shouting for attention and because I kept saying how busy I was and didn't want to deal with it, it just kept going and going and going. 

My mom called me shortly after she read it, and I kindly told her I didn't want to discuss it with her. 

This has nothing to do with you, I reminded her. I love you, I respect you, but this is for me and for this anger that is still inside of me that I HAVE to let go of. 

I was running to a meeting, so I told her I had to go. While I was in the car though, I cranked up Michael Jackson's Scream and decided to SSSCCRRREEEAMMMMMMMM my little heart out. 

I screamed for the annoyance of having to STILL deal with these emotions. 

I screamed for this inner child that my intellectual brain doesn't want to deal with. 

I screamed for ... me. 

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I kept saying over and over. 

<tangent> Two best parts about having my car back are 1) being able to scream or sing my heart out with no one listening. 2) drive thrus. Never underestimate the awesomeness of being handed something without you having to get out of your car. </tangent>

Moments later, I was snapped back to reality via a text message from the dude I met in traffic asking me out for a date on Thursday. 

Let's do it, I texted back. 

I had spent almost all week at that point searching for someone to do face/body paint and by Thursday I had found just what I was looking for. 

I've never done this before, I explained to the woman. Do you mind if we test out some of the designs first? It's going to be for a sponsor and I want to make sure it's SUPER classy and not just oh, hey, these are my boobs. 

She started laughing, and said not a problem and I could come right over. 

I then popped on over to her studio, and for a few hours we tested out facial designs in addition to some of the lettering for the shirt. 

This is great, I said to her. It's thicker than I thought and while it shows your shape obvi it's not all BOOBBBBSSS!!! RIGHT HERE!!! BOOOBBBSSSS!!! 

I gave her some money for the cost of her materials and popped back into my car to head back to WeHo for my date. 

Hitting typical LA traffic I got home later than I anticipated. 

FUUUCCKKKK, I thought. I still have to get ready. 

I finally arrived home 10 minutes prior to his scheduled arrival time and I SSCCRRUUUUBBBEEDDDDD that shit off like it was mah job. 

My face feeling slightly raw and potentially still covered in ... something ... was finally makeup friendly and moving out the door to greet my date. 

I then got in his car (the one he was driving when I met him) and started laughing. This looks familiar, I said. 

Same one, he said with his killer smile. 

We then went over to the Arclight to see the movie Spring Breakers. 

I thought the trailer definitely looked interesting, but since I never go to the actual movie theater anymore my opinion past that was sort of moot. 

Since the Showtime app on his iphone got the time wrong, we decided to pop over to grab a drink before the movie at the little cafe they have there. 

As he went up to get me a glass of wine, I noticed my twitter bud Liam sitting in the corner. 

I went up to him saying howdy with a hug and a high five. 

We chatted for a few minutes. It's been years since we've seen each other but because we're friends in social media you have somewhat of an idea what people are up to. 

My date then came back, and I went back to our table. 

Sorry about that, I said pulling out the stool. A twitter bud of mine is over there. 

How did you recognize him? he asked. 

Because we met IRL for the first time at Comic Con a few years back. I let him use my pass. 

He stared at me for a second. 

Then said, that is the hottest thing I've ever heard a girl say. 

I laughed thinking, the dude I met in traffic gets it, but go to a bar and men look at me like I have 70 heads. Being in tech is not a value add to the Hollywood bar scene. 

We then saw the movie, which I'm not quite sure how I felt about it. It was SUPER slow in the beginning. Like crazy, crazy slow ... but I liked the photography, and how ... weird ... it was. 

We chatted in the car all the way back talking about it. 

This might be this next generations Showgirls, I said. 

We continued the discussion, and I shan't talk about anything else discussed. It's that whole intimacy thing I'm working on. Awwww yeah. 

I went to bed pretty early, but was stoked because Friday was going to be the ONLY day this week I could sleep in. My first meeting wasn't until the afternoon, and to have my roomie gone and this ... silence ... is truly spectacular. (ESPECIALLY considering the lack of sleep I have been getting because I wasn't listening to my inner child. Stupid inner child.)

As life would have it though, sweet sweet sleep evaded me once again as instead of swimming in a sea of silence I was jolted from my sleep by the sound of helicopters. 

<tangent> You don't fuck around with helicopters in LA FYI. 9/10 times it's just a bad traffic accident, but you never know when there could be some sort of crazy hostage situation, or the time I threw my dinner party and had the meth lab explode down the street. </tangent> 

I immediately popped on Twitter to check WeHoDaily's twitter feed (the BEST reporting at ANYTHING happening in Weho/ Hollywood. From a traffic blip, to gun shots ... all there.) and saw that Ashley Green's condo had caught fire. 

Not much else had been reported at that time, but the helicopters were DEAFENING. 

As I stepped away from my computer, I went to touch my face and noticed that the sensitive skin around my eyes hurt A LOT. 

Fuck, I thought, as I had difficulty blinking. This shit HURTS!!!! 

I grabbed my iphone and turned on the camera feature to front face and noticed that my eyes were REALLY red. Like dragon lady red. 

NOOOOOOO, I thought. I must be allergic to that face paint. 

I then looked down at my chest where she had placed the body paint. 

All on my neck and right about my boobs was BRIGHT red and splotchy with spotted hives. 

Yep, definitely allergic, I said going over to the mirror for confirmation. 

I took this last night. My chest cleared up faster than my face. 

There goes my career as a stripper for Avatar themed parties, I thought. 

I found out btw, that all you need to do when you have a reaction like this (as long as you're still breathing and obvi not in need of EXTREME medical attention), is wash the affected area, towel blot it, and put on a pea size of cortisone where you need it. 

Because I am a magnet for mosquitos, I happened to have cortisone on me, so it was just an epic win all around. 

I decided to then cancel the body painter, but my brain went into HYPER active mode figuring out what I was going to wear instead. 

I wanted something to stay consistent with their branding while being definitely sexual since it is the Playboy Mansion. 

I rooted through my closet and found the PERFECT outfit. 

WHIIICCHHHHHH I will be debuting later today. Not now. It's only 2pm you freak a leaks!! Besides, I have a meeting I have to run to in just a bit and I can't exactly show up naked to it. 

Wait, I take it back, I don't think the guys will mind. 

So, there you go. Lesson learned ... test all body painting for not only design purposes, but potential allergic reactions. 

I'm SUPER grateful that my face calmed down today. Being able to blink again without being in pain is awesome!!!! Guess that's something I won't take for granted anymore. SPECTACULAR since it's kinda something you do a lot of in life. 

Off I go!! 

Want to see the outfit for tonight's party? Friend me on Facebook. 

Want to see the private & will not be released photos of the party? Download the app MessageMe and here's my pin ... 

I'll send the photos to anyone that messages me between the hours of 8pm - 1am PST. 

Argh! I'm so stoked, man. I meet the most INTERESTING people at the mansion. The men are SO NICE and chill. 

Here we go!! W00t! 

#nerdsunite

#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (The "fun" side of manic depression‏)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

When I’m not chronically depressed or sleeping, I sometimes get visited by mania. Wikipedia will tell you that mania is a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels

That sounds wonderful, and I’m sure it is scientifically accurate, but a more apt description of mania, at least from my experience is “every bad idea sounds like a good idea, and every mediocre idea becomes THE BEST IDEA EVER.” 

Recently I went on a* date with a young lady, as I’m wont to do, and it went amazingly well. THEN we were both snowed in on opposite sides of town, with varying illnesses, but we were texting and still enthusiastic about each other. Mania is the ear-splitting voice that convinced me that the BEST course of action to persuade this girl to be excited about me, us, and our future relationship** was to write her a one page single spaced letter, spray it with my cologne (Obsession for men, a delightfully uncomfortable coincidence), and then MAIL IT TO HER HOUSE. That’s right, after ONE date, I decided that the most logical course of action was to go 19th century and involve the postal service. 

This young lady has decided to (correctly) not return my texts. But as a rational person I can’t blame her! Literally every friend I spoke with about this letter aside from maybe one or two said a variation of “hey, don’t send that to her if you ever want to see her again,” but the booming voice of mania was like “HEY, THEY DON’T GET IT. THIS GIRL WILL APPRECIATE THE GENUINE AND SINCERE EFFORT YOU’VE JUST MADE, SHE WILL RESPOND BY ALLOWING YOU ACCESS TO HER NETHERS, AND INITIATE A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!” Spoiler alert, my friends were all correct. What I thought was a nice gesture was probably interpreted as creepy. No one mails anything if they don’t have to, especially to girls who were otherwise interested, just sick and on the other side of town.

But that’s mania. Mania convinced me that after making people laugh at a party 4 years ago, I would be the best stand-up comedian of all time (pending). Mania is interesting, in that it complements my depression so perfectly. When I’m depressed, you can’t convince me that a shittier person exists than myself. When I’m manic, I see it as a genuine joy to be me. I see everyone I meet as lucky for getting to know this wonderful person (me). 

I don’t get to pick my mood each morning. Sometimes I start my day, and by minute 8 I know it’s going to be a shit day, but lately I’ve been able to communicate my reality and my life to people I never thought I’d share my headspace with, and things are getting better. Life is better when you’re honest, and honesty starts with yourself.

Thank you for letting me also be honest with you,
Brandon

P.S. Don’t write girls letters after the first date. It doesn’t make any sense, and you probably won’t talk to that girl again.

*One, this is important.

** I should stress she was already excited or whatever about “us” although at the time, there was no us. Literally having any level of patience, beyond that of a child, would have dramatically changed the situation.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Brandon on twitter & don't miss his blog over yonder!

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of a Videogame Journalist (Mobile Gaming)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy John. We started talking on the twitter not too long ago, and then he reached out and asked if he could write for us regarding his journey through the nerdy realm. I was all DUDDEEE!! That's so raaaddd!! And now, here we are. Like right now, in real time, this is happening. Pretty cool huh? HIT IT JOHN!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JohnSollitto

So, I’ve been doing some very interesting work since I’ve graduated school.

I’ve got numerous things going on, some of which I can’t talk about, but one thing I’ve been working on has been a site called Game Mob that is going to focus solely on mobile gaming.

Now, I’ve been vocal about mobile gaming in the past. Maybe not on this site in particular, but to my friends and colleagues I’ve mentioned that I didn’t particularly like it. However, starting to work on content for this site has actually changed my tune quite a lot.

Perusing the mobile gaming market in the last month or so has exposed me to a TON of mobile games that are both fun and creative. They’ve definitely changed my opinion from thinking that the world was full of Angry Birds and Words with Friends.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of time wasters like that out there, but for every one of those there are a dozen good games that are undiscovered and passed-over.

Take for example the game Life is Magic. Not a fantastic game, but boy oh boy was I addicted to it for a couple of weeks hardcore. My girlfriend and I spent hours playing that game together and fighting monsters.

What was really unique about it, at least to me, was that the game map changed depending on where you were geographically at the time. It tapped into Google maps or the GPS of your phone and found out where you were in the world, and spawned little dungeons and caves around you to fight. Not only that, but you could visit the magical and medieval version of Starbucks or Sports Chalet to get quests or buy upgrades.

That little thing was just enough to make me smile and giggle a little bit when I started playing each day.

Then there was the game Vector for which I recently wrote the script of a video review. You all know free-running and parkour right? All that crazy stuff that was in the Daniel Craig James Bond movie? Well this game has that in it and you just run from bad guys while free-running. It’s awesome!

Now some of these games you have to pay for and some of them you don’t. I can’t get mad at that. I really can’t. These are small teams or companies pumping out games to keep the lights on to make more games just like this so that they can save up enough to make a bigger game. At least some of them are. But what I can’t abide is the blatant money squeezing of some of the bigger companies.

There are some companies, I won’t name names, but there are some out there who will give you a great game for free, but constantly try and charge you at every turn to try and get a quick buck out of you. They’ve got ads in their games, they’ve got multiple titles, and they’re a big company. So why do they do this?

Sure, every company needs to make the most out of their product. I get that. But is this how a mobile company really works? Is this what’s needed for mobile games to survive? Finding clever ways to make the gamer pay for things they may need or may not want to pay for? It’s a little sad that these companies need to do that.

I’m not sure if it is the fact that there’s so little money in the mobile market or it’s just the business model of that company, but I feel like something has to change to make some of these really great games that are hidden in the App Store or Google Play Store, rise up and survive without having to try and get gamers to pay a lot of cash for stuff that should just be in the game.

I’ll be writing more as Game Mob goes into production, but I’m excited for this new opportunity and to see where this part of the industry goes.

#nerdsunite

Want more from John? Click here to follow him on the twitter!

Check out his gaming site too!

#NerdsUnite: The secret life of a veterinary technician (time off? can it be?!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Lindsay. She and I met ... well, somewhere in the social space. I think we might have started talking through this site directly, then through facebook - maybe ... I'm not sure. But she's awesome. I talk to her on twitter almost every day, and she's really rad and TOTALLY a big huge animal lover. Like crazy huge!! In these series of posts she will be talking about her life and random adventures with sometimes more than two legged creatures. I guess there's only one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LINDSAY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @TheCraftafarian

 I’m taking a break from my series called “Reflection” (See Part 1 and Part 2) which is literally me reflecting on the last 13 years of my career as a veterinary technician (basically the beginning of my career to current). Sometimes remembering certain things can be overwhelming or even tiresome. I try to let go of some of the bitterness I still feel toward some situations but writing about it tends to bring those feelings back. AND since I’ve been dealing with headaches and just general “run down-ness” I decided to give you guys more of an update with the current rather than the next installment of “Reflection.”

Luckily for all of us at the clinic, our boss is taking a few days off—which means we all get a little extra time off also. Our manager scheduled it so we each have at least two days off in a row (or more!). I’m actually watching their pets as I type. <3

We’ve been slowing upgrading our apartment—it feels nice to have our own furniture that we bought. It’s nothing expensive but it all matches and we picked it out. All we’ve ever had was hand-me-downs (and they were all awesome!) but there is something different about picking out and purchasing your own stuff. Now we need a cover for our love sac (giant awesome bean bag couch/bed) and a few shelves to help us organize the rest of our belongings.

As part of my Valentine’s Day gifts David arranged to get us park hopper passes for Disney—particularly so we can go to Animal Kingdom. We may go Sunday :) I usually dislike zoo and don’t visit them but Animal Kingdom and Miami Zoo are the absolute shit. Miami Zoo is wicked cheap and an incredible experience—“cage free” zoo!!

We will also be visiting Colorado in three weeks! I’ve never visited anywhere in the US for fun. I’ve always been dragged around by family to visit family. Thanks to David’s family I’ve been able to travel to Cancun, Mexico and The Bahamas. Those are the only places I have traveled—it may be a lot to some but I’ve always wanted to visit places and see their natural beauty and other “must see” sights. I have two best friends out there and their lovely significant others and I am so freaking excited to visit them and explore Denver and Ft. Collins. They will be trying to convince us to move there, hehe. If you live in or near those areas in Colorado hit me up on facebook or twitter and maybe we can all meet up for drinks or coffee while we are wandering around Colorado. I’m so ready to see some mountains and National Park and just the awesomeness that is in the west of the US. I can’t wait to see you guys!! Tanya, Myke, Leashy, Seth, Bryan, Lily, Nette. <3 You guys are my family! <3

Luckily David’s time off was approved so he can come with me and all our pets will be staying at the clinic boarding kennel. That’s the only place I know that can handle all four of them and their behaviors and medical issues. The whole herd is too much for one person unless they are skilled in medicating animals and pet mischief. My fellow techs are professionals and they love my little hooligans.

Upcoming Changes: my blog is suffering because of my lack of routine but with these few extra days off and then vacation coming up I’m planning some slight changes to the design, but nothing big. The other change is my etsy shop—I’m currently researching recycled metals (sterling silver) and acquiring some beach glass and other natural beauties. Maybe some pretty little stones from Rocky Mountain national park! I’ll let you know :)

In the meantime you can check out the new additions to my shop. A few pieces I have made in the past I am re-offering for purchase.

I’m still trying to figure out how to design my own logo, even though I want to support small business I really can’t afford to pay a graphic designer. Next week ABSOLUTELY WILL be Reflection Part 3--I'm about to start drafting it after submitting this! 

#nerdsunite

<3 Lindsay 
twitter: @thecraftafarian
blog: craftafarian.blogspot.com
email: craftafarian at gmail d c

#RealDeal: Coding your subconscious & learning to close the end tag

I may be on the road to adulthood, but at least while traveling I CAN WEAR MY BEYOND AWESOME UNICORN LEGGINGS!!!Hi friends. 

To further continue my "self first" love and mentality, I have decided to move into my own 1 bedroom apartment. 

<tangent> As if I needed another stressor. Moving is always such a pain- even if you don't have any furniture. The process is HIGH-LARIOUS for me with a corporate sponsored lifestyle. I'm going to have to explain to whoever my new landlord is that I don't exactly have a "traditional" paycheck, and the fact that oh yeah! I trashed my credit living off the grid for a year. Fortunately, I know I have a lot of friends that own things like apartment buildings, but we shall see. Just going to have to absorb that the journey is the destination once again. </tangent>  

The catalyst for the move is actually a sponsorship with a contractual pre-requisite that my current abode doesn't provide, but I feel like this is also a VERY big step in my "self care" role. 

I need to grow up. I've been living life by the seat of my corporate sponsored pants for the last 3 years and it's shit or get off the pot time in adding structure and developing an exit strategy. No one prepares you for the moment where you realize you have become everything you wanted to be, but you have to know when to let go so you can creatively grow in other manners. 

I freaking LOVE what I get to do everyday, and I live on this .... adrenaline ... of constantly figuring out the most effective way to get shit done. I am someone that has to have 100 things going on at any given moment since it's how I thrive. If you've ever heard me speak IRL, I talk 200 mph because that is literally how fast my brain is moving. I've learned to live with how bad my ADD is and develop certain coping skills, but this shit ain't easy. 

Giving myself a solid financial grounding at the end of last year was AH-mazing for my psyche, and even the dating detox at the beginning of this year was BEYOND amazing too.

Dudes, I am straight up IN LOVE with spinning. I go every day now, and I get to challenge myself to push THAT much harder and get THAT much stronger. I used to be a gym rat when I boxed, but unfortunately with all the typing I do every day if I were to sprain a wrist or even hurt a finger in any regard it would KILL my business.

Spinning is now my off button. I am NOT available for about an hour and a half every day now. As someone who typically responds to any email in under 5 minutes or less, this is a HUGE deal to be able to say ... no ... I am unavailable. And it's NON-NEGOTIABLE!!! Even on Saturday, I had a meeting that looked like it was going to run into my spin class, and there was NO doubt I would have called a stop early, but it's literally like saying to me, you can't breathe today. That is HOW important this disconnect has become to my psyche, and I can't stress how much more productive I am after I have that break. 

This is something, btw, that plagues all of my entrepreneur friends. We're all self motivators so as long as we are doing something we are passionate about we're good to go, but when your life is on the line wondering if your project will sink or swim - the last thing you are thinking about is your "time off." I've had people tell me for YEARS that I needed to disconnect but I had these blinders on. Everything was, get out of my face, I need to do this. I can't say looking back to be honest, that I'd change a thing, but I can say I am grateful to be in this present moment and at a place where I am now ready to listen. 

Much like your laptop, you have to schedule time to shut down so you can fully recharge. 

I also totally understand why subs in the s&m community are the way they are. When I spin, I am not the domme, or HBIC. I am at the mercy of the instructor who is KICKING MY ASS (you burn 1000 calories per hour in spin classes). You break when they say you break, you breathe how they tell you to breathe, and you do WHATEVER the fuck they tell you to do. 

How is that not like back when I was a domme? My slaves had two rules:

1) You do everything I tell you to do. 

2) You end every sentence with Mistress Jennifer. 

I've completely channeled all of my dominant energy into business, and am now exploring submissive energy spinning. 

I could never wrap my brain around being submissive, and couldn't ever understand how all these SUPER high powered CEOs, and fancy pants dudes would shake and sometimes even cry in my presence. They needed that release, much like now I need. It's extremely zen focusing only on not dying while you are on that bike, and I can only imagine it must be the same for them when I was domming them. 

Very rad realization. 

I'm also going to re-read the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. 

While I didn't necessarily agree with the therapy I've received over the years, I do think that book has a lot to offer and was suggested by a dear friend the other week. 

I have to admit though the realization that I might need this book again is slightly devastating. 

How am I not through all of this, I was saying to a friend last night over dinner. At what point do you say, you HAVE to move on with something, this has become too much?!?!?! 

The second the words escaped my mouth, I thought back to a conversation I had at the bar on Friday night. I was with a buddy of mine and we met this group of rad people that work at a music agency. 

We started talking about programming (of course) and it came up that life is like code. You have to close the end tag or everything will loop. This is just like your sub-conscious, she said. If you don't have closure through processing things it's going to reloop. You can't suppress. 

I had absolutely NEVER thought about things in that way, so it made me laugh how right she was. 

I guess I'm just at a place now though where I'm wondering how MUCH mental masturbation do you have to give something before you can just let it go?!?! I don't understand?!?!!? 

So what, my father's family sucked. So what, I was picked on so much it lead to stalking. So what, I've ALWAYS felt like an outcaster. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to do with it?!! I've written about it, talked about it in both a public and private manner. WHAT ELSE?!?!?! 

The anger then propelled me to have the realization that this must be the roadblock I am still hitting with intimacy. I've allowed friends to get closer which is great, but dating is TERRIBLY boring to me. Every date is the same as the last and I honestly don't want to date anyone right now. I don't have time, and I don't want to take away my focus with work!!! The only way I could remotely consider it would be if the other person was equally as busy, but who knows. Again, I can't even process it. 

I'm just so frustrated, and that honesty is incredibly refreshing. The second you become honest with yourself you can at least move forward instead of staying stagnant. 

I'm viewing this book as my next step. I honestly don't know what else I could even try personally. I have the self care, I have AMAZING friends that I have been hanging out with more and genuinely opening up IRL. What else am I supposed to do?

I'm not even looking for an answer at this point, just an understanding of what the question is. 

#nerdsunite

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