<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
Rapport is an emotional exchange that helps people feel a connection on a deeper level. The next time you go out to eat, observe the people chatting with each other. What you’ll often see is people leaning toward one other, smiling, making eye contact and mirroring or mimicking each other’s movements and gestures. They’re in rapport. On a subconscious level, we all mirror the movements of someone we like or want to impress.
If you are trying to connect with a woman but feel as though you seem to be missing something, that something is probably the mutual trust and respect that is formed through rapport.
This trust can be sparked through body language, vocal tonality, wordage, and confidence. If you act like there is already a layer of trust, the other person will assume you a trustworthy person.
Sharing emotions doesn’t have to be rough, nor does it mean you are weak. Indeed, you’ll find that sharing how you feel at the right time (during rapport) will make you seem more confident – showing you aren’t afraid to show who you really are. People want to get to know the real you on a real level, and this can only be done through rapport and exchange.
Since rapport is an emotional exchange, you may be thinking, “How do I initiate this exchange?” The easiest answer to this question is this – open yourself up first. Men are made to be leaders. Without opening up first, women may not feel comfortable talking about themselves on a deeper level. Opening up first shows vulnerability because there is a possibility that you won’t be accepted. You can’t expect a girl to lower her guard unless you let yours down first.
American culture says men should be stone-faced, and because of this, men work without end to hide their emotions from others. This works against our gender role of protector and provider. Showing no emotion does not provide the emotional outlet females need. Women want to know that we understand how they feel, and to be able to understand how we feel in return. That connection is what bonds people together. No vulnerability means that the woman cannot feel completely open and comfortable around you. Being able to communicate how you feel emotionally, without letting it overwhelm you, is a key trait that many men look over because we are so worried about being attacked for a lack of manliness. Being authentically manly means sharing emotions when the time is right, not remaining hidden to the world.
One of the most important things in life is knowing who you are. Rapport with anyone, let alone a woman, is difficult if you don’t know who you are – what your passions in life are.
Spend a little time soul-searching. Get to know your feelings, what you believe in and how it affects your interactions and thoughts on a daily level.
Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Doing this helps build a sense of self, and helps formulate how you think about yourself in a positive way. When you are able to speak freely about some of your own feelings, it becomes a lot easier for others to feel comfortable and add to the rapport. Once you have that, people feel more at ease to invest in the interaction, building a better bond that you may use to transition into seduction, a strong friendship, a healthy work environment, or better family bonds.
Feeling vulnerable will be uncomfortable at first, but these are the things women will connect with and find endearing.
Opening up is great, but be careful about too much rapport too soon. This will come across as being needy. Try to be conscious of this. She’ll be chasing you if you don’t give up too much after opening up.
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach. He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company. If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com. You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello
Sometimes on 50/50, I don’t just focus on dating.
Blasting through the country has led to some strange and possibly displaced emotions. Simultaneously I am soaking up the landscape, history, stories and existence of our country on a level that was incomprehensible before (and in many ways is still hard to truly understand) while a little piece of my head is bummed I have missed art show openings and birthdays of friends. I’m having a platonic love affair with Megan that has taught me more about relationships than 15 years of short-term dating and long-term boyfriends while managing to miss something I have yet to have and missing some type of love I have yet to experience. And then there’s reconciling the past me — the younger me who went around the country with my family and longed to not be alone and turned to books to cure a lonely feeling — with the present me who, while not lonely or alone, has turned to writing to sew up any tears in my personal fabric.
God, my heart hurts. And I’m not even sure what it’s hurting for.
Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fabio. Yes. Real name. We're friends in the digispace and he owns and blogs at the fantastically awesome site LetsTalkSex.net. He's here today to share one of his latest and greatest tips on sex, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FABIO!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fabio Black
If you happen to meet Doc from “Back to the Future” you should definitely ask to be taken for a trip to prehistoric times.
As a quick ejaculator, you’d have a few advantages living back then.
1) You would be able to fertilize a woman quickly
2) You could fertilize many women
3) You could fertilize a woman even if a leopard was around the corner
4) You could quickly fertilize a woman at the second attempt if the first hadn’t “gone through”
5) You could quickly fertilize someone else’s woman
Your genes would be safe and you’d be a happy man.
Men used to envy quick ejaculators because they were the ones with the largest amount of offspring, biggest tribe and the most power, and maybe because they used to screw all the women so quickly that no one was ever able to see them doing it!
If instead you’re curious and can’t help yourself but ask super Doc to be taken to the future you’d find your quick ejaculation skills quite out of place.
In a world where kids become a less and less popular option, your quick ejaculation is only useful to clean your prostate.
You’d have the cleanest prostate in the world, but nothing more.
As a consequence of the evolution you’d notice that everyone in the future is naturally able to consciously control their ejaculation. You’d be out of place, super jealous and unable to learn a skill everyone instinctively masters.
If you meet Doc from "Back to the Future", just ignore him and look straight ahead, because the best moment for you is not the past or the future, it’s now. Now we are in a transition phase when men are adapting to their environment and going from being quick ejaculators into being conscious ejaculators.
This is SUCH a beautiful time in life right now!!!! I've worked insanely hard getting to this place and while I don't need an award (or a breast to pin it on - I am a self motivator) ... I am finally feeling super grounded!!!
I had two friends last week that I hadn't seen in quite some time say the same thing to me.
You feel so different energetically, they each said independently.
I laughed and passed it off like it was NBD, but it was definitely a turning point for me. Suddenly I was presented with tangible proof that I HAVE actually changed and it wasn't just wishful thinking.
I went through a lot of angst at the end of last year. I had explained to my shaman that I felt uncomfortable and like I was experiencing this "emerging-ness" but had no idea what it meant. I was scared, excited, confident of my capabilities but unsure what any of it was going to ACTUALLY translate to.
I view life like a chess game, so I have no problems taking risks but I have to at least strategize the moves.
You're like a butterfly, he said. You're now ready to spread your wings and shake off the cocoon. You're growing.
I LOVED that visual of the butterfly, and even used it as inspiration when it came to my new tattoo.
Being a Buddhist for so long now has helped me understand the concept of "letting go" but I still held onto dynamics that were no longer fulfilling. Even in dating so much ... it NEVER occurred to me how much it was fucking with my self esteem. I've met wonderful, wonderful men but only a handful even got to a second date, let alone anything further. I am naturally a painfully optimistic person so I had hope, but I was so focused outwardly that I forgot about self and what I was even bringing to the table for these men.
I've got a groove going on now. Every morning I wake up, answer pertinent emails, go to a series of meetings, then around 1 start writing out all my proposals and content for this site (I also work from various cafes so it keeps me up to date on trends and appeases my need to people watch)- I wrap in the evening, and then go to an hour spin class (my COMPLETE disconnect), do 30-45 mins of arms after, go home, answer more emails, pass out and do it all over again.
If I choose to go out on a date now it is because I am very interested in spending time with that person versus allowing them to be a story. (Present title excluded ... I'll explain in a second.)
All of that being said, I finally managed to put on my big girl pants and outline what I wanted from my future.
I was explaining to my roomie on Saturday that I have a 5 year plan.
I'm now invested in not only my own company and brand, but others have reached out and asked me to help them. This puts my eggs in more than one basket, and if I play my cards right with these opportunities, they have the potential to make me financially successful on my own terms.
I'm ready to grow some roots, I said.
I know I want kids right around the next 5 year mark. To get to that point, I have to start dating someone, and get married. Estimated datage til ringage is 2 years.
<tangent> I've also given myself an alternative to my 5 year plan which isn't inclusive of a dude: even if I don't get married I still need to have the life experience of giving birth. I just need to do it once, and am happy to adopt kids after or even blend families ... but I want the experience. It's so visceral I can't even describe it. It's this part of my body that is shouting lifeform needs to grow from here. I wasn't even sure up until last year if I wanted to have kids, let alone naturally. I'm giving myself a 10 year allocation to then artificially inseminate if necessary. I'm 28 now, I can't imagine being in my 40s and having a kid. Not that there's anything wrong with it ... but I don't think energetically speaking I'd be up to par at that point. </tangent>
Ideally in the next few years, I want to purchase my first investment property.
My parents have made a KILLING in real estate, and it was always something that appealed to me. I live a super modest lifestyle so I don't need a massively huge house, but a place to hang my hat is definitely appealing.
I've been traveling around nomadically for so long now. It's been a blessing in how much it has opened my eyes but guys are mostly turned off by it. Can you imagine trying to get to know a chick and then oh yeah she's in another city, another state, doing some randomly wild thing.
My actions aren't matching my intention. I need to change that.
I've also been super blessed in the last month to sign with a new agency. My manager has become a very dear friend so he guides me along the processes of staying sane, but the agents are REALLY lighting the fire under my butt to get my book out and sign a production deal for television.
Having dealt with entertainment peeps in the past, I've found the process to be emotionally overwhelming. In business, I've never asked for permission or a hand to hold, but the entertainment industry is all ... so ... confusing. There are so many steps one must take to get to xyz, and not knowing what was happening made me just want to put my head in the sand and freak.
It was COMPLETELY out of character for me to ask for help in that regard, but I know it needed to get done and I genuinely needed guidance on what is next.
So, now I've been sitting in a lot of meetings with people they have advised I needed to meet and I say the same thing over and over and over. I tell my story with as much energy as I had the first time, even though it has been somewhere in the hundreds. They've all asked me in each meeting, "so what's next?" My response is ALWAYS the same ... I'm living my "next." I want to write a book for my soul, since I'm a writer and I enjoy it SO much, but the rest is all just icing on the cake. I didn't do all of this to become an actor, I said to a producer this week, I'm a lifecaster. I'm just living my life and sustain existence on corporate sponsorships. I am giving myself a few more years, and then I will pass on the torch to other lifecasters who are in their early 20s and at the same place I was when I launched this brand. What people think of me is none of my business, and my job is to just keep working and doing what I feel makes sense.
So all of that is happening.
It's wonderful, and I am tremendously tremendously grateful but at the end of the day I still have to produce and write this fucking book.
I locked myself in a hotel on Tuesday and downloaded the app Scrivener which is basically the ADD riddled writer's answer to life.
When you're writing a book you first have to write out this MASSIVE proposal. It's broken up into a series of sections and every time I would go and open up the word doc I would start to freak. It was HUGE and there were so many components I felt suffocated and rendered incapacitated.
Any person operating in a creative manner cannot have that has a constant, so this made sense as a viable option.
Dudes, and IT'S SO PRETTY!!! LOOK AT HOW NICE AND ORGANIZED EVERYTHING IS!!!
I have all of the chapters currently outlined (11 in total).
There were a lot of things I couldn't publish in real time either out of respect for other people, or very honestly my safety. This book is going to be the realest of the real deals and include a LOT of previously unpublished shiznat.
(Even if I couldn't publish something I would still sit there and write it out. I've just held onto the stories ... until now. mwahahahaahaha =)
Scrivener though allows you to organize all of your thoughts in this "binder" and is helping me ENORMOUSLY with the digestion of this proposal.
BEST. APP. EVER.
While I was touching up the outline section yesterday, I got a text from my roomie that she was excited for the evening.
See, I had been hit up by Cavalia asking if I was able to attend a twitter hosted viewing of their new show. They normally don't allow photography or people on their phones during the show, but they were going to lift the rules and allow the tweeters to tweet tweet tweet.
The roomster is totally into that, so it made sense to make sure she got the +1.
We then arrived and made friends with these wonderful people from Australia.
They were complaining about ticket prices as the VIP experience for the event cost the woman over $400 for her and her mother.
I love the show and it's worth it, she said, but it's still a lot of money no matter how you look at it.
She then asked about how much we paid, and I slightly cracked a smile saying we didn't.
What do you mean? she asked back.
It's sponsored because of twitter.
Oh, you work at twitter? she asked.
No, I said. I use social media as currency.
She stared blankly.
I run a website and companies will send me invites for experiences based on documentation. I actually built an entire lifestyle around it.
She stared blankly.
Realizing this wasn't going anywhere I asked what she did.
I ran a strip club for 15 years, she replied back candidly.
I almost spit out my drink thinking this woman was the LAST person I would suspect as working in the adult industry.
Wow, I said. Never would have guessed that.
<tangent> I'm SUPER fascinated by people that experience human nature in such raw forms. Even when I went to the brothel in Vegas. I didn't go to see t&a, I was more interested in just exploring what people were into, and what fetishes were the most popular. I have this very very deep curiosity and passion for people, so to get to talk to someone who seemed so open was quite the perk. </tangent>
You should come down and see it, she said. I have to go there on Saturday and I'd love to show you around.
DONE! I said getting her phone number and putting it in my phone.
We continued to converse for a few moments, and she told me how she excited she was for Ozzfest since Tool was opening for Black Sabbath. She was DYING to get her hands on some tickets.
Alrite, I said ... let's do an exchange. You host me and a friend on Saturday at the club, and I will show you how I get things like tickets to concert for free on twitter.
Deal?
Deal, she said.
So, now that is happening.
The show started a few moments later, so we high fived our way out and over to our seats.
I don't even think I possess the vocabulary to describe how AMAZING the show was.
I went in expecting nothing, but the beauty and majesty of these animals was so breathtaking.
I have to admit though, I was a bit confused at first. Yes, the horses are TRULY awesome and I honestly can't even IMAGINE how long it takes to train them ... but there is no backstory to the performance. The dancers just come out and you are immediately transported to this other world.
I'm the type of person that can't even watch porn in another language. BUT WHY DID SHE NEED TO CALL THE PLUMBER? I have actually screamed. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
Immediately I turn it off once I realize I'm not going to be able to understand the storyline. I ALWAYS need to know about the characters and feel the beginning, middle, and end to become emotionally invested.
There is no backstory presented. You're just there ... letting go.
How funny, I thought, considering my newest mantra.
The show runs 2.5 hours (with a 30 min intermission) and I honestly can't speak HIGHLY enough about it. It was so beautiful ... and the men? They are JACKED!! Total girl porn.
<tangent> I did however feel inferior with the special skills portion of my resume. After seeing all of these people hop around and defy gravity with their equestrian and acrobatic skills. Suddenly, my ability to burp the jeopardy theme song paled in comparison to riding a horse upside down being held only from your ankle. True story. </tangent>
After everything wrapped we then got in the car to drive home programming the address into WAZE.
As it routed us back from the valley, I put down one of my windows to get some fresh air.
As I pulled up to a light, I looked over to my right and saw a SUPER cute dude.
He then waved as he saw me look over.
I waved back putting the rest of the window down.
By the next light, he had also put his window down and I rolled up.
HI! I said my usual, perky, excited to have someone new to play with, self.
Hi, he said with a seductive wave. Where are you guys coming from?
Cavalia, I said. It was an INCREDIBLE show and you should totally see it. It's over in Burbank.
I'll check it out, he said. What are you girls up to now?
The light turned green. We both departed.
By the next light, he had his phone out.
Let me get your number, he said.
I then shouted out my phone number with a smile.
We were home minutes later, and seconds into walking inside I hear a beep ...
I've said this before, I will say it again ... I am a MASSIVE people magnet.
I thought at first it was the car (since beetle convertibles are more likely than not driven by women), but even when I had the Ford Fiesta from the Fiesta Movement - people still came up and talked to me while sitting in traffic. Men AND women. I don't know why ... happens all the time.
I used to call everyone "traffic hottie" pre smartphones. Now I make sure to get a first and last name. It's so annoying wondering who the person is otherwise.
We spent about another hour or so playfully texting before we both agreed to go out on a date tonight.
So, now this is happening. He's also a writer which is cool, and I could tell immediately that this dude was confident based on the amount of lights it took him to ask for my number. 3 or less might be a new record.
Let's see what happeennnnssssssssssss ... looks like I might get some more book content for chapter 9. For now though ::shhhhh:: I can't say anything. =) xx
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy
My name is Brandon, and I suffer from bipolar disorder. There are a lot of misconceptions about what bipolar disorder is and how it affects people. In life there are highs and lows, for people like me the highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower. One day I can be planning to make millions of dollars doing stand up comedy, the next I’m sulking in my room because someone on the internet said a mean thing to me. Sometimes, I’m the life of the party and full of energy, life and vigor. Other times, if I can be coaxed out of my room, I’m bummed about a girl next texting me, or sour cream on my nachos, or my grades, or whatever.
Having bipolar disorder doesn’t mean I’m “crazy.” Crazy is thrown around too much in our society, anyone we don’t understand we label as crazy. I’m emotive, I feel things powerfully, perhaps more powerfully than I should. Because of the way my brain is organized, I have strong emotional reactions to small things sometimes, to the average person it might seem ridiculous, but for me it’s normal. Normal for me is all over the map, and I have to accept that, I have to accept that something small to me might affect someone in a huge way, or vice versa.
My problems aren’t bigger than anyone else’s. I live a decent life, there is room for improvement, but I understand I could have it infinitely worse. When you’re depressed, you’re not thinking logically, you can’t recognize the sheer number of things going right in life, instead you focus on the small number of catastrophes taking place. When I’m at my most depressed focusing on anything but my depression seems impossible. Lately, I’ve been extremely depressed. Comedy isn’t going as well as it should, I’m still in my parents house, I’m unemployed, I have no idea how to initiate a relationship that isn’t a friendship, or casual sex, and I just microwaved fast food.
At my most depressed I get suicidal, and lately I’ve been suicidal. I’ve tried to keep busy to keep my mind off of suicide by doing shows, hanging out with friends, starting new hobbies (writing letters), organizing things, looking for flaws in great movies, and just doing whatever I could to stay busy. If I’m busy, I can’t kill myself, I have to finish whatever it is I’m doing (I hate incomplete things). But when I have idle time, I just start thinking of all of the lives I’ve negatively impacted, and all of the lives I’ll continue to negatively impact, and the people who only talk to me because they feel it’s some sort of obligation. Lately I’ve wanted not to die, but to not exist, to take back every interaction I’ve ever had this is impractical, but has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately.
I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t want to hurt people around me by taking the selfish way out. This is the most practical I’ve ever been about my own mortality, and these past few months I’ve been existing, not because I’m doing well, but simply because I don’t want my absence to cause anyone to do worse.
I’m a control freak, it’s in my nature, and it usually works out for me (usually being the key word). There are things beyond my control, generally those things terrify me, but I deal with them as best as I can. Lately, these past few months there have been a number of things that were both out of my control and somewhat devastating.
I don’t know if this will help anyone, but I hope it does. It sucks to feel alone, unappreciated, hated, or however you feel, but know that someone out there values you as a person, and would be devastated by your loss. I’ve battled suicidal depression since I was 15, and I’ll battle it for the rest of my life. I get through each day because I know my triggers, I know my weaknesses, and I surround myself with people who are honest enough to tell me when there is legitimate cause for concern. I’m here today because I have great friends and family.
I have no qualifications to help anyone do anything. I can’t diagnose anything. Odds are I’ll only be able to talk in clichéd generalities, but I’ll be able to talk, and sometimes that’s all you need.
Monday, March 18, 2013 at 12:48PM
Rapport is an emotional exchange that helps people feel a connection on a deeper level. The next time you go out to eat, observe the people chatting with each other. What you’ll often see is people leaning toward one other, smiling, making eye contact and mirroring or mimicking each other’s movements and gestures. They’re in rapport. On a subconscious level, we all mirror the movements of someone we like or want to impress.
